The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–02.13.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 02.13.87

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby.

Yeah, back to the classic era of the show, since I left off back in 1987 with the February 2 ’87 show, building to WM3. I actually had most of the rest of 87 done from the 24/7 era, so this is mostly filling in gaps for that year. Plus this is a very appropriate episode given the latest Hall of Fame induction.

Billy Jack Haynes & Davey Boy Smith v. The Hart Foundation

From MSG, with Billy Jack one of the numerous fill-ins for Dynamite Kid while his back was fucked. This particular match was taped on 01/13/87, shortly before the Harts won the titles. Danny Davis is reffing here so things are probably going to go bad for the babyfaces. Bret Hart escapes a pair of lockups by claiming a hairpull, which Danny of course 100% supports. WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE. Bret grabs a facelock and Davey sits him on the top rope to break and slaps him around in retribution for his cries of hairpulling. That seems a bit harsh. Over to the Anvil, who overpowers Billy Jerk, but Billy works on the arm a bit before Davey comes in and gets clobbered in the Hart corner. They toss Davey for some abuse outside from Anvil, and then Bret runs interference by going to the babyface corner and dramatically falls to the mat clutching his head like he got punched in the face by Billy Jack. AWESOME. We take a break there while Bobby applauds the cheating prowess of Bret. Back with the Harts working Davey over and Bret drops an elbow from the middle for two. Anvil chokes out Davey while Bret pulls his legs, and Davis is conveniently occupied with Billy Jack. Probably blinded from the tears in his eyes. Bret gets some more shots on Davey, but he comes back with a crucifix for two and a really slow count from Danny Davis. Gorilla is LIVID about the quality of refereeing here. Bret with a sleeper and Davis immediately does a fast test of the arms, but Smith powers out of it and drops Bret on the top rope, crotching him just like that bitch Julie did metaphorically, and it’s HOT TAG Haynes. Billy runs wild and runs the Harts into each other before beating on Bret in the corner, but Davis gets bumped by an errant punch from Bret. Full nelson on Bret and a second ref comes in and calls for the submission at 10:14. Lots of fun. ***1/4

Back in the studio, Gorilla continues burying Danny Davis, which leads into a discussion of the tag title screwjob. Bobby is pretty sure Davis was just helping Dynamite out of the ring and keeping him safe.

Previously, on Piper’s Pit, Hulk Hogan tries to patch things up with Andre the Giant, but Andre brings Bobby Heenan with him, SHOCKING the crowd. Seriously, some of my friends at school were in literal tears the next day. Hogan of course puts on the performance of a lifetime as Bobby cuts a scathing promo about Hulk used Andre for 4 years and stole his spotlight out of jealousy. And then Hulk goes to hug his friend, and Andre gives him a terrifying “TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY SHOULDERS” and challenges him to the main event at Wrestlemania 3 before tearing off the shirt and cross. Talk about a promo burned into my mind forever.

You’ll notice Hogan never denied any of Andre’s accusations, because deep down he WAS jealous and he knew that he hogged the spotlight and now Andre called him on his bullshit and he’s FUCKED. What a terrible friend Hogan was.

WRESTLEMANIA III: BIGGER, BETTER, BADDER!

Meanwhile, in Memphis, Honky Tonk Man is laying down some tracks in the studio. Honky buries that talentless hack Elvis and points out that his hair is NATURALLY black. He doesn’t even put grease in it! Back at the studio, Bobby is pretty sure Elvis saw Honky wrestle years ago and took all his moves and songs from him.

Honky Tonk Man v. Corporal Kirschner

This seems to be a dark match from Saturday Night’s Main Event in December. Honky works the Corporal over with a variety of kicks and punches, but the Corporal comes back with a sunset flip for two. Honky slams him and goes up with a fistdrop from the middle rope for two. Corporal makes a comeback that mostly consists of him flailing his fists around with no effect, and Honky backdrops him for two. Honky takes him down with a kind of backdrop or suplex thing and goes up for another fistdrop, but it misses and Kirschner makes the comeback again. He drops elbows, but misses a blind charge like a doofus and SHAKE RATTLE N ROLL finishes him at 5:10. The Corporal was terrible as ever here. *

Back at the studio, Bobby is on the phone with Miss Betty, and Gorilla wants NO NONSENSE from her.

Nikolai Volkoff v. Blackjack Mulligan

Back to MSG for this one, as Mulligan attacks and puts Volkoff down with an elbow for the pin at 0:25.

Bobby, meanwhile, is on the phone negotiating contracts for Wrestlemania while Gorilla tries to hold the show together alone.

Meanwhile, Jake Roberts stops by for the promo with Ken Resnick, dressed like this…

DANGEROUS!

And now, a review of a defining moment of my childhood, as the British Bulldogs defend the tag titles on Superstars against the Hart Foundation. Dynamite immediately gets walloped with the megaphone on the floor, in reality literally pulled off his hospital bed and carried to the ring by Davey Boy because he couldn’t walk. Davey fights the Harts by himself while Danny Davis ignores it all and “tends” to Dynamite. Davey makes his own comeback and powerslams Anvil, but Davis ignores the count while Vince has an aneurism. Finally Davey goes to haul Danny in by himself, but the Harts double-team him, hit the Hart Attack, and finally win the tag team titles for one of the most memorable angles in WWF history.

Back at the studio, Gorilla buries Andre’s supposed 15 year undefeated record because he mostly does battle royals and tag team matches, see. Talk about moving the goalposts!

Leaping Lanny Poffo v. The Red Demon

The Red Demon, who sounds like a euphemism for menstruation, is apparently just good old Jose Luis Rivera with a red suit and leopard skin hood. From PARTS UNKNOWN, WEIGHT UNKNOWN. Weight unknown? They couldn’t even ask the guy to step onto a scale? Anyway, it’s quite the look. The Demon gets some shots in the corner, but Poffo takes him down with a headscissors and works the arm. Poffo chases him to the floor and then goes for the mask, unsuccessfully. Gorilla sees nothing wrong with that behavior, obviously unaware of the traditions of lucha libre. Demon goes for an international object a couple of times, but Poffo slugs away in the corner and goes for the mask again. Geez, obviously he’s got self-esteem issues because he’s an ugmo, leave him be! The match drags on as Demon chokes away with his wrist tape and MSG collectively goes for nachos or hot dogs or whatever snack food they were consuming in New York at the time. Fun fact: Here in Canada, we have a popular chain of French fry restaurants called New York Fries, which is based out of Toronto. We also have Swiss Chalet, which is also based out of Toronto and serves roast chicken, and has no connection to Switzerland. Which is to say that my mind is meandering as this match crosses the bad side of 10 minutes and Demon continues choking out Poffo with the tape and searching his tights for objects to use. Poffo finally makes a comeback and then goes for the mask again, as Gorilla and Mean Gene are pretty sure it would end Demon’s career if we discovered his identity. Is he, like a sex offender or something where he’d get fired and jailed if unmasked? But then, given they didn’t even check him for weapons or weigh him before the match, the oversight from officials backstage isn’t particularly comprehensive anyway. The Demon keeps going for weapons, but goes up and misses an elbow. Gene: “I don’t want to spend all my time complaining about every official in the WWF…” Never stopped Gorilla before. Finally, Poffo slams and finishes out of nowhere with a senton bomb at 16:00. Back at the studio, Gorilla questions why he didn’t just do that 15:00 ago. I’m with him. DUD

Bobby announces the mixed midget match at Wrestlemania and lays out plans of Bundy systematically dropping elbows on all four midgets while Gorilla tries not to lose it.

Meanwhile, on SNME, Roddy Piper faces Adrian Adonis. I might actually redo some of those old ones again because it’s been a long time and a lot of them aren’t written that well. Adonis gets the sleeper, but they both tumble out and Piper beats up Jimmy Hart, only to get perfume sprayed in his eyes and lose by countout at 3:43.

In the studio, Bobby protests that Piper beat up Hart while he was wearing glasses. Gorilla: “Jimmy Hart doesn’t wear glasses!” Bobby: “They were sunglasses! Some people need them to see!”

Intercontinental title: Randy Savage v. Bruno Sammartino

From Boston, January 1987. So this was the side-effect of the Steamboat throat-crushing angle in November of 86, as Bruno was interviewing Savage immediately after the deed was done, and Randy’s attitude towards the whole thing disgusted Bruno to the point where he basically vowed to kill Savage in retribution for Steamboat’s injury. Now there’s a good old fashioned angle. Savage hides behind Elizabeth and spits at Bruno to start, but Bruno attacks him and kicks his ass all over the ring, preventing him from running. He runs Savage into the turnbuckles and stomps him out of the ring, and sure enough Savage hides behind Liz again. Bruno decides to be the bigger man and turns back, so Savage clobbers him from behind and runs him into the post. That’s why Savage should have been in the Hall of Fame by now. He runs Bruno into the stairs and drops the axehandle to the floor. Back in, he goes up, but Bruno nails him on the way down and slugs away to make the comeback. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Bruno hits him with a running boot to the face, then puts him down with another boot. Bruno finally puts his head down and Savage catches him, but Bruno still gets the better of a collision. Savage hits the floor and drags Bruno out for the brawl, and Savage has finally had enough and just nails him with a chair to win by countout at 6:03. Good brawl that saw Savage get some comeuppance. *** Afterwards, Bruno beats the hell out of him and puts him in the bearhug until officials pull them apart.

Bobby and Gorilla wrap things up in the studio as Bobby pesters him for his pick in the WM main event, unsuccessfully.

Oh, so many wonderful memories! This is like chicken soup for the wrestling fan’s soul. Well, except for that Poffo match, which was like chicken shit for the soul.