The SmarK Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 2000–01.23.00

The SmarK Rant for WWF Royal Rumble 2000 – 01.23.00

[Originally written 03.05.19]

Live from Madison Square Garden, drawing a sellout of 19,000 and a gate of $1.1 million, which made it one of the highest drawing shows in wrestling history. Oddly, the buyrate was down from 1999, with 590K buys instead of 620K from the year before.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler

Kurt Angle v. Tazz

So after weeks of buildup, Tazz pretty much peaks in his debut, although it was definitely the right time and place to debut him. And of course the crowd goes nuts for him as he destroys Angle, backdropping Kurt over the top. Angle actually gets a suplex on the floor and back in with an elbow for two before choking him out in the corner and hitting an overhead suplex. Angle goes up and gets crotched and Tazz brings him down with a head and arm Tazzplex for two. Angle cradles for two and hits a german suplex for two. Angle Slam is countered into a crazy german suplex and Tazz hits another overhead suplex, then the exploder, and he finishes with the Tazzmission at 3:16. I actually remember this being a much more impressive start for Tazz than it was here. They were suplexing the shit out of each other and it was all action while it lasted, though. ** In fact, I’d say Angle looked like the biggest star coming out of it.

Meanwhile, the Hardy Boyz don’t want Terri risking herself by going out for the tables match tonight.

Tag Team Tables match: The Hardy Boyz v. The Dudley Boyz

Back when this was a fresh matchup and a new stip! Bubba goes off on the New York crowd to make sure no one is cheering them in the ECW-friendly arena, including a John Rocker reference to really date this show. Big brawl right away and Jeff takes the Bubba Bomb before the Dudz start bringing tables in right away. Matt saves his brother and dumps Bubba, and Jeff follows with a crazy dive as they’re just letting it all hang out already. Matt and D-Von fight over a table in the ring while Jeff batters Bubba with a chair, but he dives off the railing and goes headfirst into a table as a result. Back in the ring, Bubba goes up, but the Hardyz cut him off and bring him down with a superplex as D-Von pulls the table away to save. And then Matt brings in a ladder because why not? So everyone brawls outside and Matt manages to climb the ladder and legdrop Bubba through a table. So now they need to put D-Von through a table as well to win. So they arrange furniture on the floor, but Matt puts himself through a table by mistake and then Jeff dives and goes through ANOTHER table, but JR explains that you have to win with an offensive move. I think THAT rule went by the wayside pretty soon afterwards. Back in the ring, Bubba powerbombs Matt through a table stacked on two sets of stairs, and it’s 1-1. The Dudleyz beat on the Hardyz in the aisle with chairs while JR notes that the babyfaces look like they’re been in a bad car accident. In Jeff’s case, he might have been. The Dudz set up a three table pyramid in the aisle and Bubba goes up to the balcony above the entrance, but Jeff hits him with a chair and he falls backwards through the table stack. Jesus. Then Jeff comes off the balcony with the swanton, puts D-Von through the table, and the Hardy Boyz win at 10:20. The overly complicated rules kind of hindered the heat but this was some crazy shit for the time and launched a whole new era for tag team wrestling in the WWF. ***1/2

Meanwhile, EMTs tend to Kurt Angle, who doesn’t remember the chokeout finish and thus he’s still undefeated.

Miss Rumble 2000 Bikini Contest

Now, the Smackdown I just reviewed had a big angle where Edge and Freddie Blassie were supposed to be judges, but Edge is nowhere to be seen here. Instead we get Sgt. Slaughter, Blassie, Johnny Valiant, Tony Garea and Fabulous Moolah. The actual “contest” has Ivory, Terri, Jacqueline, BB, Luna Vachon (with some kind of overdubbed music) and the Kat. So everyone does their stripper routine (with Luna refusing to even take part) but Mae Young comes out for the big payoff as a spoof of Armageddon and flashes her (prosthetic) puppies, which is thankfully covered by a big red X on the Network. And of course she’s the unanimous winner of the contest. According to the Observer, the whole thing was supposed to have something to do with the Edge v. Val Venis storyline and then everything just got dropped at the last minute and forgotten about and they went with the “Mae Young does something wacky” payoff they always did.

Meanwhile, Jericho and Chyna fight over who gets to wear the IC title to the ring, but Dave Hebner settles it by bringing it out for them. “Dave! Come on! Earl?”

Undisputed Co-Intercontinental title: Chyna v. Chris Jericho v. Hardcore Holly

Jericho of course comes off as the big star here, making his MSG debut. Holly attacks both to start and they all slap each other before Holly whips Chyna out to the floor. Hardcore with the DROPKICK OF DOOM and he slugs away on Jericho, who comes back with a flying forearm for two. They slug it out and Holly tries a rana, but Jericho blocks with the Walls and Chyna saves to thunderous boos. Chyna clotheslines Holly to the floor and hits him with a baseball slide, and Jericho follows with the springboard bodyblock. Back in the ring, Chyna pairs off with Jericho and gets the handspring elbow and DDT for two, but Holly saves. Everyone heads to the floor again and Chyna dropkicks a chair back at Holly. Back in, Chyna and Jericho both go up with stereo splashes on Holly and dogpile him for two. Chyna gets her horrible Pedigree on Holly for two as the crowd FREAKS OUT because they hate her, but Jericho and Holly team up with a Doomsday Device on Chyna that gets two for Jericho. Jericho and Holly go up for a superplex, but Chyna crotches them both and gets the superplex, which Holly reverses for two. Chyna grabs a chair and puts Holly out behind the ref’s back and gets a terrible boston crab, drawing more boos from the crowd, but Jericho bulldogs her and finishes with the Lionsault to unify the title again at 7:20. This was WAY worse than I remembered and Chyna was a complete embarrassment out there. I bet the crowd reaction to her killed off her singles push, too, given what Vince thinks of the MSG crowd. *1/2

Meanwhile, the Rock is pretty sure that if he can get by Headbanger Mosh and Crash Holly, he’ll have a solid chance of winning the Rumble. I really want Rock’s Brahma Bull football jersey. I would wear the shit out of that. Also, Rock started trying to get “tall glass of shut up juice” over as a thing here and failed miserably, one of the few times he couldn’t make a catchphrase happen.

WWF tag team titles: The New Age Outlaws v. The Acolytes

The Acolytes come rushing in and no-sell everything, as Bradshaw hits the fallaway slam on Billy and Faarooq powerslams Road Dogg. Dogg fires back with the shaky knees, but that misses, and Bradshaw hits the Clothesline From Hell on Billy Bitchcakes. Quality 360 sell from Billy there, though. Ref gets bumped and the Acolytes destroy Road Dogg, but X-Pac runs in to provide distraction, allowing Billy to finish Bradshaw with the fameasser at 2:41 and retain. Completely rushed, back when the quaint notion of “Fitting the entire PPV into 2:40” was still a thing that Vince cared about. DUD

But really everything else on the show is just filling time for the next two matches…

WWF title, Street Fight: HHH v. Cactus Jack

The video package cutting together the past few weeks of buildup for this is EPIC, showing how great their production guys can be given a great storyline and “O Fortuna” to work with.

Slugfest to start and HHH runs away from that, so Jack follows him to the floor with a neckbreaker and runs him into the stairs. HHH fires back with the bell and then lures him into the ring for a sick chairshot to the face, but Jack pops up and legdrops the chair onto HHH for two. Back to the floor and Jack backdrops him into the crowd and they fight into the alley portion of the set, where Jack suplexes him onto a pair of wooden pallets. HHH fights back with a suplex onto a garbage can, but Jack pummels him into the stairs and follows with the running knee. Back in, Jack finds a barbed wire 2×4, but HHH goes low and goes to work on him with it. However, he doesn’t do enough damage and Jack goes low on him with the board and hits the DDT for two as the ref hides the barbed wire under the Spanish table for safekeeping. Crowd doesn’t like that development. So Jack heads out and retrieves it, as they switch to a gimmicked one with fake barbed wire (you’ll note the original was falling off the board and the new one is wrapped tightly around the board again). That was actually a brilliant sleight of hand because they used the real one first and established that it was real by having it stick in Jack’s shirt, and then they could do whatever they wanted with the fake one from then on and people would buy it because they already saw it was “real”. That’s pro wrestling in a nutshell for ya.

Jack nails HHH in the head and then drops an elbow with it, and that gets two. And now HHH is busted open as Jack starts mutilating him with the board. Back to the floor and Jack wants a piledriver on the table like on Smackdown, but HHH backdrops him through the table as Jack takes a dangerous bump as always. Back in, HHH tries the Pedigree, but gets catapulted into the corner and bulldogged onto the barbed wire for two. HHH retreats to the floor and hiptosses Jack into the stairs to take over. Back in, HHH takes out the knee and beats on it with the barbed wire board, and then finds a pair of handcuffs and locks Jack in the corner with them. Jack manages to fight Hunter off with his feet and then bites HHH’s bloody face, but Hunter puts him down again and breaks a chair on his back. Like, literally pieces of the chair went flying off. Jack heads to the floor and HHH follows with more chairshots, but the Rock pops out of the dressing room and nails HHH with his own chair while security uncuffs Jack. Now a free man, Jack makes the comeback and piledrives him onto the Spanish table, which allows him to find the bag of thumbtacks as promised. So those get dumped into the ring as the crowd freaks out, but Stephanie runs interference and HHH backdrops him onto the tacks and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE….gets two. My friends and I were losing our minds at that point, thinking that Jack had a shot to win. Jack tries to fight back again, so it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE on the thumbtacks, and that finishes at 26:50, as HHH is finally made into the top guy for good. Even though no one ever put him over. This match absolutely still holds up, thanks for asking. *****

Royal Rumble:

D-Lo Brown is #1 and Grandmaster Sexay is #2 and D-Lo goes right to work while Sexay gets his groove on. D-Lo with the powerbomb attempt, but Sexay turns it into a rana and nearly falls on his own neck in the process. GS goes up with a missile dropkick and tries to throw D-Lo out, but he lands on the apron. Mosh is #3 at 1:40 with a bizarre furry cone bra, but Kaientai runs in and gets tossed out like jobbers for some reason. JR wants to assure us that they’re not in the Rumble. Well that’s a relief. D-Lo with the Sky High on Mosh, and Christian is #4 at 3:22. This gives us a rare moment of Christian’s original solo music, which sucks. Glad he started using Edge’s music full-time afterwards. Sexay with a backdrop suplex on Christian and Rikishi is #5 at 5:00. And now the crowd goes nuts as he cleans house and tosses Mosh at 5:20. Christian goes flying out at 5:34. D-Lo finally cuts him off with a neckbreaker and legdrop, but Rikishi no-sells it and hits the Rikishi Driver on him before throwing him out at 6:11. So this leaves Rikishi and Sexay, but Scotty 2 Hotty is #6 at 6:40 as this really gets awkward. So Too Cool decides a dance break is in order, and we stop for that, before Rikishi casually turns on them and tosses both guys out at 7:45. Still an awesome moment.

Steve Blackman is #7 at 8:40 and boots Rikishi down before going to work on him, but Rikishi pops up and hits the Rikishi Driver and throws him out at 9:30. Viscera is #8 at 10:20 for the Hoss Fight, and he hits Rikishi with a belly to belly and legdrop before going to work in the corner. Blind charge misses, however, and Rikishi hits him with superkicks and then shoulderblocks him out of the ring at 12:00. Hell of a run for Kish! Big Bossman is #9 at 12:20 and he literally just walks around the ring for the entire 90 seconds until Test is #10 and attacks him at 14:00. So they brawl at ringside before Test throws him in, and we get a hilarious spot as he does the Nash choke on Rikishi in the corner and Bossman just nails him in his exposed nuts. What a great heel. British Bulldog is #11 at 15:30 and everyone fights in the corners. Kind of sad that Rikishi is the only one in the ring still alive and there’s already been two other dead wrestlers thus far. Gangrel is #12 at 17:20 and Test attacks him before he can even spit out his blood! Poor guy’s gonna have blue fangs. Kaientai tries to attack again and poor Taka gets hurled out again. What a weird running gag. Edge is #13 to a big pop at 19:00 and Bulldog gets him to the apron right away, but he fights back in as Rikishi hits the buttdrop on Bossman. Mr. Bob Backlund returns at #14 at 20:55, dressed like he’s coming from the gym and still looking 20 years old. Everyone teams up and puts out Rikishi at 21:33. Bossman and Bulldog double-team Backlund and Chris Jericho is #15 at 22:50. He dropkicks Bob out of the ring at 23:08 and people didn’t really like that.

Crash Holly is #16 at 24:30 and not much is going on. Chyna is #17 at 26:00 and she goes right after Jericho, suplexing him out at 26:42 before Bossman knocks her out of he ring at 26:44. Seemed like their horrible program would continue based off that, but instead they went in a drastically different direction. Faarooq is #18 at 27:45 and now the Mean Street Posse run in and distract him, allowing Bossman to toss him at 28:00. Short night for Faarooq on both counts. Road Dogg is #19 at 29:00 and Test immediately lays him out with a low blow. “Right in the dog biscuits!” notes JR. That’s one way to put it. Al Snow is #20 at 30:30 and he’s in a grumpy mood as Bulldog gets thrown out by Road Dogg at 31:00. JR stresses how exhausted Test and Bossman must be. They’ve been in there for 15:00 at this point, by the way. Val Venis is #21 at 32:10 and he goes after Test as Funaki does another run-in, what with Taka landing on his face last time and suffering a concussion. And they show the HILARIOUS replay of him injuring himself over and over. Because he’s Japanese so it’s OK. Val and Edge team up on Snow and Prince Albert is #22 at 33:53 and he immediately throws Edge out. Bossman attacks Albert because they were feuding that week. Hardcore Holly is #23 at 35:30 and we’re in another lull here. The Rock is #24 at 37:00 and the lull is about to end. Bye bye Bossman at 37:18! Val tries to beat on him in the corner and teams up with Test, but Rock fights them both off and then stomps on Hardcore. Billy Gunn is #25 at 38:44 and he goes after Rock like a moron, but Rock makes his comeback and throws out Crash at 39:27. Big Show is #26 at 40:27 and now the ring is getting cleared. Big boot and Test is gone at 40:51, followed by Gangrel. Show goes after Rock and throws him around the ring, and Bradshaw is #27 at 42:00. This brings out the Posse again and this time Bradshaw kills all three of them, but the Outlaws throw Bradshaw out at 42:25. Kane is #28 at 43:39 and he gets rid of Val at 44:08. Rock cuts him off and Godfather is #29 at 45:10 while Kane throws Albert out. This gives us another Funaki run-in and exit. Godfather takes his time as the ladies tour ringside, and X-Pac is #30 at 46:46.

Kane tosses Hardcore at 47:25 and Show immediately throws out Godfather at 47:49. Rock clotheslines Snow out at 48:00 as we go rapid-fire, and Gunn throws out Dogg at 48:15. Kane slugs Ass out and we’ve got…

Final Four: Kane, X-Pac, Rock & Big Show

Rock hurls X-Pac out at 48:44 while Kane brawls with the Outlaws in the entrance, but apparently the refs missed it and he stays in the match. Kane and Show choke each other and Kane gets the enzuigiri and slams him, but X-Pac spinkicks Kane out at 50:09. Broncobuster on Big Show, and Show disgustedly pops up and throws him out for good at 50:29. So we’ve got Rock and Show left and Rock gets the People’s Elbow, but tries to throw him out and gets chokeslammed as a result. Rock’s shocked facial expression is great. Show tries to slam him out, but Rock holds onto the top rope and Show goes out at 51:50 to give Rock his one and only Rumble win. Of course, this would not be without controversy, as the replays shown don’t actually show Rock’s feet and whether they touched the floor on the way down. This was loads better than the 99 lowpoint for the match, although not as great as I remember at the time. ***1/2 They definitely did a great job of disguising all the star power that was lacking here.

Still a high point for the promotion and the show that arguably kicked off their most successful year from a creative and money standpoint. It’s 2.5 hours that flies by like a Takeover. Can you even imagine how great this show would have been if it was two weeks later, though? Still a strong recommendation.