The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–06.26.89

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 06.26.89

I dunno man, I’m just getting close to the end of the Network run of this show anyway, so we might as well keep pressing on because this is right in my wheelhouse as a fan at the time. With only four episodes left, I can always circle back to the 87 shows, which is where I left off when WWE 24/7 was ripped unceremoniously from me years ago.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby, although Bobby is growing increasingly distant and shows up late this week. He’s unwilling to take any more abuse from Gorilla or “that Adolf Hitler lookalike” Mean Gene.

Mr. Perfect v. Scott Colton

WHAT? NO WAY. Sadly, no, it’s not a preschool aged Colt Cabana, just some local goof from Wisconsin. Perfect takes him down and works a spinning toehold while slapping the jobber around, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 1:45. Always good to see Curt murdering jobbers. 1 for 1.

Back at the studio, Gorilla runs down the card while Bobby runs down the babyfaces. Jimmy Snuka is apparently “an illiterate tree monkey”, but on the bright side, he can cater your luau. Sadly, Bobby was unable to rent Carnegie Hall and watch No Holds Barred alone, so now he’s going to wait for another opportunity.

Last week, Honky Tonk Man attacked Jimmy Snuka with a guitar on the Brother Love Show in a less-than-memorable angle.

Brutus Beefcake v. Tom Stark

Beefcake is fresh off having his hair cut by Sherri in a cruel twist of irony. Tony is unsure if you can even define a haircut as “suffering”, but he certainly wasn’t expecting it! Lord Alfred, meanwhile, confuses Hercules with Samson before Tony corrects him, and Brutus finishes this guy with the sleeper at 1:45. And as usual, the guy loses some hair (and apparently makes another $50 as a reward for taking that bullet). 1 for 2.

The Rougeau Brothers v. Tim Horner & Chris Zarna

Horner is certainly falling down the totem pole fast in this run. The Rougeaus offer a handshake and then turn on Horner and dump him anyway, but he comes back with dropkicks on the Rougeaus to clean house. Over to Zarna and he immediately gets beaten down like the geek he is. Raymond works the knee and puts Zarna in a Boston crab as Gorilla asks Bobby a trivia question: How many previous WWF tag champions were brothers? Bobby has no answer and Raymond finishes Zarna at 3:55 before we can learn if there is an answer. OK, now I’ve gotta pause the show and look this up. So it looks like, up until that point, there were no legitimate brother teams to ever hold the titles, although you could possibly count the Valiants (not real brothers but kayfabe ones) or the Samoans (not brothers but close enough). Anyway, the Rougeau music is an automatic point, it’s just a rule. 2 for 3.

Hillbilly Jim v. Fuller Stevens

I feel like we already got this one last week. And a quick check reveals that not only did we already see this match last week, but also the previous tag match with the Rougeaus! I’m deducting my previous point! 1 for 4.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Zeus, who is apparently unable to speak English and grunts his way through a promo before Randy Savage comes out to speak for him and threaten the future of Hulkamania. I’m with ya, Macho.

“Widowmaker” Barry Windham v. Frankie DeFalco

This half-assed gimmick was DEATH from day one. How did they ever expect this to get over? DeFalco tries an armdrag and Barry just slugs him down and follows with a suplex and then finishes with a superplex at 1:35. Vince feels like he’s a little overly ambitious to be challenging Hulk Hogan at this point. Well he was gone soon after anyway, so Vince needn’t have worried. Frankly I don’t know why either side even bothered making this deal. 1 for 5.

King Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Jim Magen

Magen hammers on Duggan in the corner, but runs into a clothesline and Duggan goes to a chinlock. Duggan with the slam and three point stance to finish at 1:50. I’ll be so glad when they get the crown off this guy and onto a true regent like Macho Man. I mean, if that’s a thing that happens in the near future. Sorry, spoilers. 1 for 6.

Meanwhile, Dusty Rhodes works as a garbageman.

Coliseum Corner, with Tony! This week’s featured tape is the Best of the WWF Volume 19, with clips from yet another Powers of Pain v. Demolition borefest on display here.

The Rockers v. Barry Horowitz & Tom Stone

The jobbers try to whip the Rockers into each other, but they reverse things and Marty puts Stone down with an elbow and a monkey flip out of the corner. Marty with another chinlock, and then Shawn comes in with his own as they continue chipping away on Stone. Jannetty comes in with a middle rope elbow and the double fistdrop finishes for the Rockers at 3:18. The Rockers were probably too hung over to give a shit here. 1 for 7.

Brother Love presents his benefactor, Ted Dibiase. Dibiase re-introduces the Million Dollar Belt and reveals that Jake Roberts has sustained a career-ending injury at his hands, thanks to a disc being removed from his neck. Well, it was a good run for Jake.

Back at the studio, Bobby reveals that Dibiase gifted Jake’s family with $2 to cover expenses, and Jake’s wife bought a bottle of aftershave to drink with the money.

Ravishing Rick Rude v. Sonny Rogers

Rude with the Awakening at 0:43 as he’s clearly not fucking around this week. He finds a lady for the after-match kiss, but Ultimate Warrior storms in and destroys him while he has his eyes closed, then steals the belt back. That’s some Hulk Hogan level nonsense there. 1 for 8.

Tito Santana v. Dusty Wolfe

Tito works the arm and gets a dropkick on Wolfe, then blocks a slam and hits his own. Tony and Alfred think that Tito needs to get over the breakup with Martel and move on with his life. Perhaps by CHANGING HIS TIGHTS?! No, wait, that’s crazy talk. Tito works an endless armbar and follows with a backdrop before finishing with the flying forearm at 3:04. 1 for 9.

Back at the studio, Bobby airs his grievances like it’s Festivus, as the tensions build between our hosts.

The Barbarian v. Lance Allen

Barbarian hammers on Allen with shoulders as Alfred notes that Barbarian MUST be rated as one of the all time greats in the WWF as things stand. WHAT? Flying shoulderblock finishes at 1:58. 1 for 10.

Back at the studio, Gorilla is just openly trolling Heenan now, declaring that Barbarian is a contender for Hulk Hogan, but Bobby has no one in his stable who is even capable of challenging Hulk. Bobby blows him off and continues complaining that all the theaters showing No Holds Barred are sold out and thus he can’t get a ticket. Was the movie even playing in theaters by that point?

Update: A quick check reveals that in fact this was the final week of release for the movie, as it was pulled with a total gross of $16 million:

https://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?page=weekly&id=noholdsbarred.htm

Greg Valentine v. Jim Neidhart

Lord help me, THIS is what I’ve had to sit through this shitty show to get to? Neidhart chases him out of the ring to start, but Hammer comes back with elbows in the corner until Anvil takes him down for some forearms. Valentine runs away and then gets a shot to the knee to take over and goes to work on that and that goes on for a long while. Or at least it feels that way. Anvil slugs out of the figure-four attempt and sends him into the post to make the comeback. Dropkick and some tackles get two. Neidhart works on the leg but stupidly hits the one with the shinguard on it, so it does nothing. Valentine then takes off the guard, nails Neidhart behind the ref’s back, and gets the pin at 8:07. A nothing match between two nothings going nowhere. 1 for 11.

Speaking of going nowhere, Bobby walks out on the show again, but it’s the end of the show anyway so it’s mostly a symbolic gesture. Fight the power, Bobby! I would have walked out on this week’s terrible show, too.