The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–06.30.97

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 06.30.97

OK, back to the RAW side this week, now that I’m caught up with Nitro. I barely remember where we left off last time, but I know the build to Canadian Stampede is on and Paul Bearer is ready to reveal Undertaker’s dark secret, which is totally not Papa Shango.

Live from Des Moines, Iowa, drawing 3781. Can you even imagine that kind of number even a year later?

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.

Of note, the dark match for this show was a tryout match, with Henry Godwinn beating reigning CMLL heavyweight champion Sean “Steele” Morley. I’m surprised Morley didn’t have to do his tryout on a couch in the back.

Ken Shamrock v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Shamrock works the arm to start, but Hunter goes to the eyes and slugs away in the corner while JR namedrops Moondog Mayne as an influence for Ken. I mean, I’m not doubting the word of Jim, but Lonnie Mayne died in 1978, so I kind of doubt he had much influence on Shamrock’s career. Hunter USES THE KNEE and puts Shamrock on the floor, where Chyna sends him into the stairs. This brings Mankind down to distract Hunter, and he stands there yelling at him forever, until Shamrock gets a suplex for the pin at 4:42. Wait, this is before he became Dude Love, right? I lose track after a while, quantum leaping from era to era like Sam Beckett, hoping that each leap is the one that brings me home. This was a professional wrestling match that aired on TV. *1/2

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson turns heel and joins the Nation and literally gets injured during that interview segment, thus ending his main event career for good.

Meanwhile, at the hospital where Ahmed is having his knee operated, he blames Undertaker for sending DOA after him, and promises he’ll be back for his revenge. That was a promise he couldn’t keep.

Meanwhile, 10 year old Michael Cole interviews the Legion of Doom, who are ready to turn the Nation into “bat guano” tonight.

Meanwhile, Sunny has cash in her cleavage related to a Summerslam giveaway contest. Costs a lot less than that to get a glimpse these days.

WWF tag title tournament, semi-finals: The Nation of Domination v. The Legion of Doom

Ah, OK, now I’ve got my bearings. So Dude Love is still a few weeks away. Faarooq quickly dives into a powerslam from Animal and Hawk drops a fist. D-Lo comes in and Hawk hits him with a big boot and goes to a chinlock, but puts his head down and D-Lo catches him with a cheapshot and chokes away in the corner. D-Lo then puts his own head down and Hawk gets a neckbreaker for two. LOD gets the Doomsday Device on D-Lo, but HOG runs in and hits Hawk with the slop bucket, and Faarooq gets the illegal pin at 3:05 to advance to the finals. Oh, this was not good. DUD

Faarooq brings in Vince for an interview, and he bitches about Vader getting the title shot at Canadian Stampede instead of any of them, because they’re black and being held down. So this brings out Los Boriquas, who are now a thing, and DOA, and they do a big brawl with police and agents immediately breaking it up because no one wanted to sell for anyone else according to the Observer. This was not exactly nWo v. WCW like on Nitro at the time as far as crowd reaction and intrigue went.

Meanwhile, in the new WWF magazine, they’ve got photos of a SECRET LIASON between Sunny and Brian Pillman. Honestly, I think he was the only person in the locker room she WASN’T banging.

Scott Putski v. Brian Christopher

Putski looks like he’s composed of 40% steroids and 60% baby oil. Putski throws Christopher around with suplexes as JR hypes up “The Great Sa-soo-key” as the new big thing in the light heavyweight division. Putski whips Christopher in the corner for two, but Brian takes him down with the Stroke while Jerry makes Polish jokes. Oddly, that was never really a thing here in Canada. Christopher charges and gets a shoulderblock and I suspect that was a blown spot. Another charge and Putski gets a powerbomb out of the corner this time and makes the comeback with a flying splash for two, but Lawler gets involved and Putski whips Christopher into him. Lawler recovers, however, and trips him up into a rollup for Christopher that finishes at 3:40. The Lawlers double-team Putski with a spike piledriver and I’m sure we can all infer where this was headed, but it never went there. Match was OK. **

Meanwhile, if you buy that new Steve Austin video, you can see the Steve-A-Mania promo from ECW! I’ve heard it’s pretty good.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is all bummed out in the dressing room because Paul Bearer is gonna spread lies and slander tonight.

Speaking of lies and slander, Brian Pillman is here to offer an apology for hitting a “fan” on Shotgun Saturday Night, but instead he cuts an especially crazed promo about how he’s gonna eat Mankind’s good ear. That whole deal on Shotgun was supposed to be a way to fire Pillman from the show and replace him with Paul Heyman, but they neglected to actually ask Heyman before making him the new host of the show.

Brian Pillman v. Mankind

Mankind debuts his “Pick Me, Steve” sign and offers a present for Jim Ross, which turns out to be a mannequin hand with his finger guard on it. Pillman attacks during this show of apology on Mick’s part, but runs into an elbow and Mankind slugs him down in the corner and follows with a running knee. Pillman stomps away to take over, but Mankind gets the clothesline as Hunter comes out now in revenge for earlier and we take a break. Back with Mankind beating on Pillman and following with a baseball slide to put him on the floor, but Pillman lays him out with the ringbell and runs him into the post. They fight back into the ring and Mankind posts Pillman crotchfirst. Pillman’s ankle gives out, but Hunter runs in and Pillman takes off his boot and hits Mankind with it. Hunter tries to add a chairshot, but hits Pillman by accident with a shot to the back so gentle that the breeze barely ruffled Pillman’s hair, and then Mankind chases Hunter to the back for the countout loss at 9:20. By the standards of 1997 Brian Pillman matches in the sad weeks before his death, this was not bad. Not good by any means, but a totally watchable and non-embarrassing pro wrestling match. **

Paul Bearer is here to tell us a story about his life working for Undertaker’s mortician family years ago. Seems there was a red-headed little punk named the Undertaker, and his younger brother who was named Kane. So years later, Undertaker and Kane stole some chemicals from the funeral home and were out back smoking cigarettes when Paul left for mortician school one day. When he came back, the funeral home was burned to the ground and Undertaker was standing in the bushes alone. He’s a MURDERER. A GODDAMNED MURDERER. Wait, I thought they didn’t do murder storylines in the WWF?

Meanwhile, Sable shows off her new boob job for the Summerslam giveaway deal. “Why would she need another boob job?” ponders Dave in the Observer. Well, that one certainly paid for itself several million times over.

WWF tag title tournament, semi-finals: British Bulldog & Owen Hart v. The Headbangers

Owen pounds on Mosh, but the Bangers come back with a double flapjack for two. Thrasher headlocks the Bulldog, but Owen comes in with a leg lariat and atomic drop, into a suplex for two. JR talks about how the Headbangers have their own “cult following”. They wish. The Harts work Thrasher over in the corner while Bret Hart calls in and pretends to be in Calgary watching LIVE on TSN. In fact I’m pretty sure RAW was on a one hour tape delay on TSN at that point, so he’s a LIAR. Mosh gets a hot tag and sets up Owen for the Stage Dive, but Bulldog breaks it up and Owen cradles Mosh for the pin at 4:11 to advance to the finals. Bleh. *1/2 And then Jim Cornette brings out THE HEADHUNTERS, I shit you not, and they beat up both teams. They can’t have lasted long because I don’t remember that at all. Actually, I think I vaguely recall them being called something stupid like the Squat Team but I don’t remember them ever being on RAW.

Meanwhile, Undertaker gives his side of the funeral home fire story. Yes, they were playing with matches and flammable liquids, but after Taker left to do his chores, he saw Kane alone with the matches and flammable liquids and he’s pretty broken up about it because his little brother was his responsibility. Amazingly, for as laughably stupid as this whole deal was, they’ve been successfully milking it for TWENTY YEARS.

Vader v. Rockabilly

Billy attacks with the guitar and Vader shrugs it off, as Undertaker runs in for a presumed DQ at 0:30, although no bells ever rang to start or finish. Taker slaps Paul Bearer and demands the truth, and so Paul reveals the awful truth: KANE IS ALIVE. How Vince Russo resisted bringing him out later in this very show, I’ll never know.

Steve Austin v. Jim Neidhart

Anvil attacks to start and that goes badly for him, as we cut to the back where various people are watching the match. Austin with a slam for two and he grabs a headlock, but Anvil puts him down with a shoulderblock. Austin gets an awkward abdominal stretch and poor Neidhart can barely lift his arm in the arm because he’s so thick, and Austin uses the ropes and gets caught. They fight to the floor and Austin slams him on the ramp. Back in the locker room after we take a break, Bret Hart reveals that he wasn’t on the phone in Calgary at all, and in fact he’s here in Iowa attacking Shamrock. Told you he was a liar. I mean, not as big of a liar as Shawn Michaels or Vince McMahon, but still, kind of shameful. Back in the ring, Neidhart chokes Austin out and has run through his two offensive moves during the commercial break, so we hit the chinlock! Austin makes the comeback and slugs away, and here comes the Hart Foundation for the DQ at 10:15. Bret uses the ringpost figure-four, but Mankind makes the save and puts the claw on Bret while he’s helplessly laying on the floor, and we’ll see you at Canadian Stampede!

Well shit, I guess I know what I’m doing tomorrow.