The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown–12.09.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown – 12.09.99

Taped from Boston, Mass, drawing a sellout.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Normally I’ll be posting these on Sundays, but I’m doing Armageddon 99 this weekend instead.

Road Dogg v. Chris Jericho

Road Dogg is a babyface here as the confused booking of D-X continues. Specifically, Chyna is a babyface, but she’s still associated with D-X, so D-X has to play babyfaces when she’s involved in the storylines. They slug it out to start and Dogg wins that battle, but Jericho hits him with a leg lariat to put him on the floor. Jericho follows with a dive as Cole explains that there will be no D-X interference in any matches tonight, or they’ll be suspended. Maybe the make believe figurehead was as sick of DQ finishes on Monday as I was. Wait, who IS in charge of the show at the moment? Vince? Jericho gets distracted by Chyna and Road Dogg comes back with the shaky knee for two. Jericho comes back with the Lionsault for the pin at 2:55, but Dogg’s foot was on the ropes, so Chyna bitches at the ref and he restarts the match. Dogg comes back with his pumphandle slam and Jericho puts his foot on the rope, but Chyna pushes it off and Dogg gets the pin at 3:48. Boy, they’re really heating up that Chyna-Jericho program now. *

Meanwhile, Test meets with the McMahon family and he wants a few minutes with Stephanie, which results in him calling off the engagement and Steph returning the ring to end off that storyline for good. They’re about to share a kiss, but X-Pac bursts in and cock blocks him. They can’t even book a backstage segment without doing a run-in finish! Good thing they never branched into porn (Playboy notwithstanding) because they’d never get to the money shot.

Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman v. The Dudley Boyz

Angle points out that if Boston follows his tenets, they could even win a World Series someday! So there you go, clearly that’s what they did. And Nomaaaaaaaaaah is even at ringside for this. D-Von offers Kurt the down position to start and Kurt quickly schools him for two, and then offers D-Von the same and D-Von kicks him in the head. Heh. Angle puts him down with a german suplex, but Bubba comes in for the double-team and they hit the Wazzup, although we did not yet know wazzup. Was that a thing in 1999? Bubba throws chops and misses a splash, which brings Blackman in for the hot tag. Angle with a top rope belly to belly on Bubba and he stops to celebrate, so Blackman tags himself in and walks into 3D at 4:00. Wasn’t Angle supposed to be undefeated until the Rumble? Angle actually points out that he didn’t get pinned and he’s still undefeated, as if to clarify that point. Thanks, Kurt! Dudleyz were still searching for something which would come pretty damn quick. *1/2

European title: British Bulldog v. Christian

Once again, we are interrupted by the mysterious orange and black lights. Bulldog with a hiptoss to start, but Christian works the arm until Bulldog gets a press slam. Listening through headphones as I do, the commentary for Smackdown is REALLY weird from a technical standpoint, as they’ll randomly insert overdubs from Michael Cole that switch from the left to right channels and are higher or lower tone than the original commentary. It’s really off-putting. Christian comes back with the inverted DDT and goes to finish with the Unprettier, but the Posse runs in for the DQ at 2:35. Bulldog just looks so sad and out of place here. ¾*

Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly tries to get the hard-hitting interview by asking Miss Kitty what dress she’s wearing at the PPV, but Kitty declares that she’ll be the Cat from now on. I think that match was the only case of having to book someone to win because she wasn’t wearing underwear. Wrestling!

Oh, wait, is it going to be THAT match?

Meanwhile, on RAW, we’d like to remind you that Big Show is a nasty bastard and his momma said so. How would Andre feel about that development, though?

Big Bossman & Prince Albert v. The Hardy Boyz

Bossman is still carrying around the Hardcore title at this point, for those keeping track. Cole is looking forward to this one! It’s gonna be fun! Bossman pounds on Jeff and gets a backdrop as Big Show arrives backstage and the commentary dubs kick in. This one literally sounds like Cole is recording over the phone. And Big Show runs in for the DQ at 1:16. What was the point of making sure to establish that Show wasn’t here and then showing him arrive before the run-in? Talk about overthinking it.

Meanwhile, we take a look back at the special friendship between Mick Foley and Al Snow and how it all fell apart.

Mankind v. Al Snow

Why on earth did they give this away in a nothing match on this nothing show and not at the PPV? Does anyone give a shit about Outlaws v. Rock N Sock in a match that I haven’t seen in 20 years but can guess as a DQ finish right now? Snow attacks in the corner to start and chokes him down, then takes him to the floor and beats on him until he runs into an elbow. Back in, Snow keeps choking Mankind out, but Mankind takes him to the floor with a Cactus clothesline and Snow snaps again and chokes Mankind out by the table with cables. Back in, grabs a chair and the ref steals it, which allows Mankind to make the comeback with the running knee in the corner and the double-arm DDT. Mick goes for Socko, but changes his mind and can’t pull the trigger. So Snow kicks him in the nuts and hits him with the chair for the DQ at 5:17. Man, after that amazing Snow interview on Monday (now there’s something I never thought I’d type…) you’d think this would be a crazy brawl with super heat, but NOPE. Just a match with a bad finish and no payoff. **

The McMahon Family joins us for the official contract signing for the PPV. HHH comes out and talks about he’s a successful businessman now because he married Stephanie. The stock options alone! Vince points out that his greatest success will be dismembering HHH. Well, he sure knows about making money from people getting dismembered. HHH points out that they can’t come within 50 feet of each other because of the restraining order, so he wants Stephanie to retrieve the papers and maybe get a little kiss in the process. So Vince sends Shane instead, and D-X ambushes him after HHH signs the papers. So for those keeping track, Road Dogg has been both a babyface and then a heel in the same show. HHH hurls Shane off the stage for good measure. And then signs the contract for Sunday. The build had some great heat, but the match was a huge letdown, unfortunately. Still, they did what they could with it.

Test v. X-Pac

Speaking of huge letdowns, here’s Test to pay off the X-Pac angle from earlier in the show. And another orange and black light show. Test chases X-Pac from the ring to start and stupidly follows him, which allows X-Pac to send him into the stairs. Back in, X-Pac with the Lightning Legdrop and he goes to the chinlock, then puts Test down with a spinkick for two. He hits the kicks in the corner and misses the broncobuster, and Test is BUILDING MOMENTUM with a sideslam. Test slugs away in the corner, but X-Pac goes low and finishes with the carpet muncher at 2:55. What a fucking geek that Test became in the span of a week. That was an EPIC neutering, as he lost his fiancé to HHH and got pinned by him, then has to tearfully give back the ring like a wuss, and then gets pinned by HHH’s annoying lapdog X-Pac! You literally could not book someone to look any worse with the specific audience they were targeting. *

The Rock v. Billy Gunn

Remember how this was a featured match at Summerslam, just four months before? Nope, me either. Rock does a whole deal with Nomaaaaaaah Garciaparra before the match about anally violating someone with a baseball bat, and yet people cheer this monster! Also, related follow up question, why the fuck is Billy Gunn wearing a choker? They fight on the floor and Billy drops him on the railing and slugs away in the ring, but the ref is bumped 1:00 in. Fameasser and there’s no ref, but he recovers and Gunn gets two. The ref is bumped AGAIN and the People’s Elbow finishes at 2:00 regardless. What was the point of THAT? DUD

Meanwhile, the Linda simulacrum is exhibiting her best attempt at human emotions, demonstrating the thing we humans call “worry” about her husband and his whereabouts. The stooges assure her that they’re just fetching coffee for him and Linda leaves to recharge her battery pack and update her firmware.

HHH v. Kane

So awesome to get a few months of “My Time” for HHH’s entrances. I always loved that song, even if it was a bit on the nose. No pun intended. Earl Hebner, after getting bumped twice in the previous match, is out to work this match as well, but HHH immediately beats him up and gets rid of him. So this brings out the mystery ref in the Vince mask, and HHH beats on him as well. And then we get another “Vince” while HHH and Kane continue working a nothing match, and HHH beats on Vince #2. Cole is SURE that this is the real Vince! And then it’s a third Vince as Kane hits a flying clothesline on HHH and follows with a chokeslam and HHH walks out for some kind of Sportz Entertainment Finish at 3:30. Then a fourth Vince comes out and cleans house on D-X with a pipe, and this one is wearing Vince’s suit so it’s probably him. The canned heat sounded REALLY fake for that ending.

They really should have left well enough alone after Monday, because this show greatly diminished my interest in watching the PPV. It’s clear that the main event was the ONLY thing they had any interest in building. Still, join us tomorrow as we take another look at a nothing show that was completely forgotten after it aired, and yet still managed to change the entire course of the wrestling business in the process!