The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–06.19.89

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 06.19.89

It’s so terrible, and yet I must return to it.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby

Warlord v. The Blue Blazer

Quite the start to the show here. Warlord comes out swinging with clubbing forearms and a slam, but misses a charge and Blazer gets a missile dropkick for two. Warlord goes back to his bread and butter sequence of the clubbing forearms and slam again, probably because that’s the only spot he can remember. So he tries it a third time and Blazer makes the comeback with dropkicks while Warlord “sells” by waving his arm in circles, and then he finally hits that third slam and pins Blazer at 2:00. No word of a lie, Warlord looked like he was completely gassed from this squash match. 0 for 1.

Back at the studio, Gorilla suggests that maybe Zeus could be a wrestler. What, you don’t think that…? Zeus? A wrestler?

Update! With Mean Gene! We recap the Valentine v. Garvin feud, and Rugged Ronnie is quite happy to be a referee, according to Rugged Ron. Don’t say anything you can’t take back, Ronnie.

The Bushwackers v. Dusty Wolfe & Tom Merkel

I think that was the second jobber’s name, but the sound wasn’t clear and there’s no graphic and frankly I don’t really give a shit anyway. And then we get a drop-in from the BRAINBUSTERS, who would be a welcome addition to this show. If it was the NWA and a year previous, then Sheepherders v. Tully & Arn would have been pretty awesome. The WWF version was much less so. Wolfe gets double-teamed and Merkel or Merkin or whatever his name is comes in and quickly gets pinned with the battering ram at 3:20. 0 for 2.

Gorilla questions Bobby on why the Brainbusters haven’t signed for a match against the Bushwackers, and Bobby clarifies that it’s because the Wackers can’t sign their own name. Man’s got a point.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY! Bobby has a bottle of sweat to spray on Andre, because none of his opponents make him sweat, so he’s never felt what it’s like before. Duggan? No sweat. Hillbilly Jim? No sweat? Ultimate Warrior? No sweat. Nice to see Andre having some fun at this point. Bobby could probably just hold that spray bottle under Mike Rotundo’s brow for 2 minutes and fill it.

Bobby stops to apologize to all the humanoids and for anything he may have said that offended us, and then spins his chair around and cracks up.

Ted Dibiase v. Red Tyler

Good old Red Tyler, who was a quality jobber but sadly was lacking a soul. I feel like I should clarify something for those who were offended by my remarks against gingers in a previous rants: Red-haired men are soulless monsters, but red-haired women are hot. We all know how I feel about Lita. So it’s fine. I shower her and Christina Hendricks with enough praise that it cancels out whatever abuse I might heap on freaks like Tyler. Dibiase destroys him, whips him into the corner for a Flair Flip, and then nails him with a clothesline to the back of the head on the way back in and finishes with the Million Dollar Dream at 2:10. Quality squash here. 1 for 3.

King Hacksaw Jim Duggan joins Mean Gene for an interview and if Haku wants the crown back, he’s not hard to find. Sadly, he was just a transitional monarch, like one of the characters on The Royals.

Back at the studio, Bobby goes on a rant about how Elizabeth isn’t a real manager because she should be home cooking for her man, to the point where you can hear the cameraman cracking up in the background.

Mr. Perfect v. JT Thomas

Thomas had a pretty good physique and I’m surprised he never got a shot. Perfect controls him on the mat and Thomas makes a brief comeback, but walks into a forearm and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 1:54. 1 for 4.

Bobby notes that Perfect just keeps getting better, but Gorilla points out that there’s a logical fallacy there because someone who is already Perfect can’t actually improve. That’s deep, man.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY! We’re gifted with a Bushwacker promo this time, and Rick Martel with manager Slick. That didn’t last particularly long, did it?

The Young Stallions v. Barry Horowitz & Boris Zhukov

The Young Stallions were still a thing in 1989? A quick check shows that their last recorded house show match as a team was in March 89, so this reunion in June must not have lasted long. They don’t even have matching tights anymore! I bet they’re not even sharing their steroid needles, either. These breakups can be so ugly. The Stallions control the jobbers with headlocks and Powers gets a backbreaker on Horowitz into a flying splash from Roma, and that gets two. That’s a pretty good tag team finisher, actually. But no, this continues, and now the Stallions work the leg for a bit before Boris comes back in and they work his leg over as well. However, a cheapshot turns the tide and Powers is face-in-peril. Barry gets a rollup for two. Boris with the dreaded bearhug and Barry gets an abdominal stretch, but Powers hiptosses out and makes the hot tag to Roma, and Powers finishes Horowitz with the powerslam at 9:04. I like the backbreaker-splash combo better as a finish. As dark matches at Superstars tapings go, this was totally fine. If only the good people at the TV taping in Madison, WI, had realized that this would be the last time they’d ever see Paul Roma and Jim Powers team up in the WWF, they probably would have, I dunno, clapped a little louder or something. I know I’ll need a minute. 2 for 5.

Meanwhile, Gorilla feels like Boris and Barry should have prepared a little more for the match and maybe they wouldn’t have lost.

Rick Martel v. Jerry Lynn

Ha, another job guy appearance for young Jerry Lynn. Martel has Slick with him, which again I totally do not remember. He was in the weird heel phase where he was wrestling aggressively but not yet working as a model. Martel with a dropkick and elbow and he pounds on Lynn with knees on the ropes, and then goes up with a flying kneedrop to finish at 2:49. I kind of liked this Evil Rick Martel squash, before he turned into a cartoon character later in the year. I’ll give it a point! 3 for 6.

Meanwhile, Bobby tries to call Carnegie Hall and rent it so he can watch No Holds Barred alone, but sadly Mr. Carnegie is long dead and thus he can’t get a hold of him. You see, every time he’s tried to go to the movie (which is breaking box office records) the theaters are always packed with cheering fans and only single seats are available. Keep in mind, it’s been more than a month since the movie had been released at this point.

Dusty Rhodes is now working at a gas station. The idea of putting $5 of gas into the tank would be ludicrous today. You wouldn’t even make it around the block! Especially at Canadian prices.

Coliseum Corner, with Tony! Coming this month, the video cassette featuring the Ultimate Warrior.

Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Greg Valentine

Huh, so this is the dark match main event of the Main Event where the Megapowers exploded. It’s also a bizarre experiment in physics, because Warrior is unable to wrestle longer than 10 minutes and Greg needs that long to warm up, so I feel like they would cancel each other out somehow. I’m not sure how, I’m not a scientician. Warrior chases Jimmy Hart around the ring and walks into a shinguard to the head as a result as Hammer takes over. Warrior comes back with a splash, but misses an elbow and Hammer drops his own for two. Warrior decides that he’s had enough of the match for tonight and comes back with shoulderblocks, but Jimmy Hart runs in, so Warrior tosses him at Valentine, and then hits Valentine with his own shinguard and pins him at 3:50. Absolutely nothing to this one. 3 for 7.

The Fabulous Rougeaus v. Tim Horner & Chris Zarna

Horner gets his JTTS offense in to start and the Rougeaus bail from the force of his dropkicks, but sadly Zarna tags in and gets the boots put to him. Boston Crab and the legdrop combo finishes at 3:49. 4 for 8 because I love the music.

Jimmy Snuka is the guest on Brother Love, but Jimmy Hart and Honky Tonk Man interrupt and call him various monkey-related insults before Honky beats him down with the guitar. Brother Love asking Snuka if he was doing “hook ‘em horns” with his hands was pretty funny.

Hillbilly Jim v. Fuller Stevens

The match is joined in progress, I’m assuming for music rights reasons. You don’t go messing with a country boy, but you can apparently overdub his theme. Jim gets a slam and stomps on his foot, then gives him the boot in the corner and follows with another big boot for the pin at 1:22. 4 for 9.

Bobby has finally had enough of Gorilla’s abuse, and he packs up his magazines and leaves. Mean Gene replaces him after the break, which makes Gorilla much happier. Also, Gene has the inside dirt on the things that happened backstage between Hogan and Zeus, as there was BAD BLOOD. In real life! Oh man, you don’t think that…no! Hulk better watch his back, though!

Bad News Brown v. Brooklyn Brawler

Yes, this is actually our feature match for the week. Brawler attacks to start and that goes spectacularly wrong for him, as Brown beats him down and tosses him. Brown misses a clothesline and hits the post by mistake, which is the only way Lombardi could ever conceivably get heat on him. Back in, Brawler bites his forehead to take over and chokes him out on the ropes, but Brown proceeds to beating on him again. The ref offers a warning and Bad News just growls “Don’t worry about it” while continuing to cheat. It’s a referee, what’s he gonna do, COUNT TO FIVE at him? How terrifying. Brawler gets a cheapshot and rams Brown’s face into the mat a few times to take over again, then goes with the EYEPOKE OF DOOM and slugs away on the mat. The ref finally pulls him off and Brown runs Lombardi into the corner and finishes with the Ghetto Blaster at 4:25. I’d call this “Better than it had any right to be.” 5 for 10.

Back at the studio, Gene and Gorilla wrap it up and discuss Bobby’s issues, but now they’ve put the thought in the back of my mind that Zeus might show up and cause bodily harm to Hulk Hogan sometime soon. I mean, we can only hope. If Zeus had a Go Fund Me or Patreon or something back in 1989, I would have thrown a couple of bucks his way.