The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–06.12.89

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 06.12.89

The new episode of the Mae Young Classic wasn’t up at the point when I had some time to write this morning, so instead we hit the WHEEL OF RANDOMNESS and let’s check out another episode of PTW from 1989, picking up after the weird episode with the No Holds Barred premiere that we covered weeks ago.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby. Gorilla was quite embarrassed to watch the show from last week and see Bobby’s behavior in the movie theater. Bobby thinks that making out with Sherri in the balcony is hardly anything to complain about.

Hercules v. Harley Manson

Gorilla clarifies beforehand that the jobber is of no relation to Charles Manson. He does look a lot like the Dirty White Boy, however. Herc slugs away in the corner to start and tosses Manson while the crowd chants something I can’t make out. Herc grabs a headlock and yells “I don’t get it!” so he’s obviously confused as well. And then two sides of the arena start chanting something at each other while Hercules finishes with the backbreaker at 3:15. I don’t even know why this made TV, Herc was clearly just fucking around and laughing at whatever the crowd was doing. 0 for 1.

Back at the studio, Gorilla notes that a lot of people haven’t seen the movie yet, because they’re “waiting for the crowds to subside a bit.” And I’m like…

UPDATE! With Gene Okerlund! Let us take you back to Wrestling Challenge, as Honky tries to sing his song, but Mean Gene cuts him off (quite rudely) because he has an interview with Jimmy Snuka scheduled. Clearly, if it’s one thing you can always say about the WWF TV tapings of the 80s, it’s that they were tightly scheduled and not at all meandering. Cough. Anyway, Honky calls Snuka a savage who eats pineapple and CAN’T EVEN AFFORD SHOES. I’d have gone with the murderer dig myself, but that’s never been Honky’s style. Snuka hits him with a bodypress off the stage and Honky runs away. 1 for 2. Unfortunately I had to sit through one of their matches a while back and I can definitely say they should have stuck to cutting promos on each other.

Greg Valentine v. The Blue Blazer

Off to MSG for this one as we’re in the thick of Greg Valentine’s shinguard phase. They trade wristlocks to start and Blazer gets a bodypress for one and works the arm on the mat. Valentine bails for some physiotherapy from Jimmy Hart, and back in for some chops in the corner, but he misses a charge and Blazer goes back to the arm again. Finally Valentine just throws him out to the floor to take over and lays in some elbows on the apron. He goes for the mask, but the Blazer saves his identity as I don’t think we’ll ever find out his mysterious true name. Blazer fights to his feet after some elbows, but Greg just clobbers him from behind and gets two. Atomic drop and Valentine goes to work on the legs, but Blazer escapes the figure-four and then reverses it to a cradle for two. Blazer makes the comeback with a dropkick and goes up with an elbow off the middle rope for two. Backbreaker gets two. Elbowdrop gets two. Missile dropkick gets two. Back to the top, but Valentine catches him with a slam and pulls the tights for the pin at 11:00. Hell of a match! 2 for 3.

Back at the studio, Gorilla points out that Blazer’s mistake was letting Valentine get warmed up, because once it went over 10:00, he had no chance.

The Genius v. Brian Costello

Genius offers a left-handed shake and then takes Costello down, before heading to the floor and pointing to his head to indicate how smart he is. No wonder he never won any matches, that’s the kiss of death for heels. Genius backflips back into the ring and slugs away in the corner. He turns his back and Costello gets some shots from behind, but Genius pokes him in the eye and rakes the face in the corner. He stops to do some cartwheels while the jobber recovers and then pokes him in the eye AGAIN and pounds in the corner as this drags on. Even Tony and Lord Alfred are getting sick of the match. Genius finally goes up and finishes with a swanton at 7:23. SEVEN MINUTES. For a squash! 2 for 4.

Back to the studio, where Bobby thinks that “Tony Schiavone” sounds like a bottle of cheap wine. Gorilla agrees that the match was way too long.

Ravishing Rick Rude v. Frankie DeFalco

Yes, once again Rude’s music is BUTCHERED by overdubbing. DeFalco actually throws some forearms to start, but Rude gets a suplex and as always, has time to pose. Rude pounds away in the corner and finishes with the Rude Awakening at 1:43. 2 for 5 because I can’t award a point for any match featuring the awful redubbed music.

WWF EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY! Jim Neidhart is off on his own now and he’s looking for competition, but everyone is afraid of him. Also, the Rougeaus have awesome new capes and clearly the Rockers are jealous of them.

Barry Horowitz v. Tim Horner

See, next time you feel compelled to bitch about Roman Reigns v. Baron Corbin, remember that THIS fresh hell is what used to pass as a featured match on Monday nights. This is from the Boston Garden and they immediately trade hammerlocks and start boring the crowd. Horner with the hiptoss and back to the arm, which has Horowitz running away and stalling. Barry with some forearms, but Horner takes him down with the Japanese armdrag (Tony, after years of calling Ricky Morton matches, has apparently never seen that before) and Horowitz runs away again. Horner slingshots him back into the ring, but gets thrown out in turn and Horowitz follows with a gut wrench for two. Alfred notes that Horner winning would be an “underdog victory”, which shows what kind of plans they didn’t have for Horner. And we take a break. FOR THIS MATCH!?! Gorilla promises that it’s a long way from being over. What a terrible way to get people to keep watching. Back with Horowitz in control with a rolling cradle for two and he throws knees in the corner and runs Horner into the turnbuckle, which gets one. Horner comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Horowitz slams him for two. Russian legsweep gets two. Horner comes back with the abdominal stretch, but Horowitz escapes with a hiptoss and rolls him up for two. Barry with the abdominal stretch and some questionable use of the ropes and that continues for a period of time so long that even IRS would be like “Dude, you’re holding that fucking move too long.” Horner finally escapes and it’s a double down, but Horner makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner. Snap suplex gets two. Rollup is blocked by Barry, but he pats himself on the back, and of course Horner rolls him up on a second try to finish at 12:30. Good lord this was long. 2 for 6.

Back at the studio, Gorilla asks Bobby if he’s been recruiting Tim Horner. “No, of course not, Tim Horner is a stupid name.” Oh, and here’s Dusty Rhodes!

Dusty Rhodes is running the Famous Americano Taco Shop, and he shares a burrito with his poor customer. Now, I feel like I can’t really do this skit the justice that it deserves, but suffice it to say some poor Mexican-looking actor wanders into the Little Taco Shop of Horrors, where Dusty Rhodes mans the counter while wearing a sombrero. The customer orders an enchilada and Dusty immediately produces one, fully dressed and on a plate, from beneath the counter. This guy, clearly not worried about health code regulations or FUCKING DEATH, just starts happily eating the meal without questioning why Dusty has a fully cooked and apparently STILL WARM enchilada sitting under the counter. And then Dusty pulls out a taco plate, followed by a burrito, and starts eating the customer’s meal before declaring that his taco shop “makes you hop, hop, hop.” Now, clearly I’m not as well versed in the medical sciences as others, but my assumption would be that the hilarious explosive diarrhea that Dusty is referencing is probably caused by GODDAMN FOOD POISONING due to improperly cooking and storing Mexican food.

Meanwhile, Tony Schiavone shares a clip from Hacksaw Jim Duggan: The Home Video. So yes, I have to sit through a few minutes of Jim Duggan v. Dino Bravo as a result. What a sales pitch for this video! But I mean, why buy the cow when you get the cow shit for free here? 2 for 7.

Ultimate Warrior v. Dusty Wolfe

Poor Dusty got renamed to Dale Wolfe once Dusty Rhodes came in, which is probably the reason why his career never took off like he planned. Warrior chokes him out on the ropes and tosses him, and back in to finish with the press slam and big splash at 1:50. 2 for 8.

Back at the studio, Bobby lets us know he was also in a movie, with Cher and Madonna in fact. However, it was rated “PI and HA”, because it was only for “prison inmates and Hell’s Angels.”

Hillbilly Jim wants all the kids to mind their parents and eat their vegetables. Or was that the other way around? … never mind, not important, time for the main event.

Brutus Beefcake v. Bad News Brown

Back to Boston for this one, and you have to wonder what Beefcake’s motivation is going to be here, since Bad News is already completely bald. The answer appears to be that Beefcake is going to trim his beard, to which I say NOT COOL. Some lines should not be crossed. So Bad News waits for him to get rid of the scissors and then attacks and chokes him out with his own stupid coat. Hey, the man threatened to cut Brown’s beard, so clearly anything goes in Boston. Brown chokes him out on the ropes and follows with a headbutt, but Beefcake won’t go down. So Brown chokes him out on the ropes again, but Beefcake makes a comeback and drops an elbow on him. Brown pounds him down again while telling anyone within earshot to shut up, but he misses a charge and we take a break. Back with Brutus pounding on the neck, but he GOES FOR THE BEARD and that just pisses off the sort of man you shouldn’t piss off. Even moreso than Jeff Jarrett. Brutus with the 10 punches in the corner and a bodypress for two, but Bad News slugs him back down again and decides to go airborne. Beefcake of course slams him off the top because WHAT THE FUCK, BAD NEWS, and he gets the sleeper. Brown quickly rams him into the corner to break and catches him with a wicked lariat on the rebound, but then he stops to cut a promo about how he’s going to cut Beefcake. So he grabs the scissors, but the referee tries to stop him from, you know, murdering his opponent with scissors, and Beefcake rolls him up for the pin at 8:50. I feel like the referee would have been justified in just disqualifying Brown there, instead of just letting it play out and seeing where it went. “Oh, shit, he actually stabbed him in the fucking face! Well, ring the bell.” Anyway, I enjoyed this. 3 for 8.

Gorilla and Bobby wrap it up and Gorilla wants to go to see the movie again, because “the youngsters” were screaming when Hogan was on screen, so he couldn’t hear some of the stellar dialogue very well. Bobby: “So tell them to shut up.”

And on that note, we’re out for the week!