The SmarK Rant for WWF Capital Carnage 1998

The SmarK Rant for WWF Capital Carnage 98 – 12.06.98

Hi Scott,

I’ve been enjoying your Heat & Raw rants for 1998. The next wrestling show chronologically is the UK PPV Capital Carnage. I know you tend not to review the UK PPVs, but can you please make an exception for this one? It will give you more material than you know what to do with.

I thought I had this one done back in the day, but I guess not. This was a Sky-exclusive PPV that I don’t remember hearing anything about but I do recall the VHS release and I had a copy and probably watched it at the time and then forgot about it. But hey, it’s on the Network, so let’s give it a look.

Live from London, England, drawing 10,000 for a sellout.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler

Gangrel v. Al Snow

JR’s pained explanation for Gangrel’s gimmick (“He’s the cult-like leader of a gothic group…”) is probably copyright driven, but why can’t anyone just say HE’S A FUCKING VAMPIRE?! That’s his gimmick, he’s a vampire. Snow gets the trapped headbutts and a wheelbarrow suplex for two, but a blind charge puts him on the apron. Snow recovers with a crossbody for two, but Gangrel puts him down with a DDT for two. Russian legsweep gets two. JR notes that Gangrel is 29. What’s that in vampire years? Also, Dave Heath had been around since the 80s, are you telling me he started when he was a teenager? A quick check reveals that, yeah, he started at 18 in 1987. Crazy. Anyway, the Brood comes out to run interference and Edge hits a missile dropkick behind the ref’s back to give Gangrel the win at 5:54. Basic house show opener. *1/2

Meanwhile, Mankind is hanging out in the boiler room, but it’s COLD, so it’s somewhat of a misnomer.

LOD 2000 v. The Headbangers

Droz has now stolen Hawk’s gear and written “Droz” on it with a marker after a couple of weeks where they’ve basically dropped the angle. Droz gets the dropkick and hiptoss on Mosh to start and basically plays babyface, but the crowd chants “We want Hawk” so I have no idea who is going to be on which side here. Droz with a powerslam on Thrasher, but the Bangers double-team him with a clothesline for two and the crowd cheers that, so I guess they’re gonna be babyfaces and just roll with it? Animal comes in with a shoulderblock on Mosh and he cleans house with a powerslam on Mosh for two, but Droz tries to switch off with him and gets rolled up and pinned at 3:18 as a result. That was it? And then the LOD breaks up AGAIN and gets into a brawl over this. So Animal spent weeks trying to get rid of Hawk and now he doesn’t like Droz as a partner either? What a storyline THIS one was! Absolutely nothing to the match. ½*

Meanwhile, Undertaker suggests that we pray for the soul of Steve Austin. Paul Bearer seems to be fine from his ordeal in the sewer and Undertaker never arrived at the asylum. Also, the hounds of hell will be baying for Austin’s rotting soul. Does the Dog Whisperer make housecalls to Hell, I wonder?

Val Venis v. Goldust

Val attacks to start, but misses a blind charge and gets clotheslined to the floor. They fight out there and Goldust gets a hiptoss back in the ring and Val begs off, suddenly playing heel tonight for whatever reason. Val stomps him down in the corner and slugs away as the crowd has no idea what to do with this and Goldust gets a clothesline out of the corner. Slingshot suplex of all things follows and the crowd is D-E-D dead. Val with his own clothesline for two. Jerry does get a funny line here: “I once tricked a girl into marrying me by telling her she was pregnant.” Goldust gets the bulldog for two, but Val gets a spinebuster for two. Val to the top but Goldust rolls through a crossbody for two. Val with the Seaman’s suplex for two. They collide and Goldust lands on the Big Valbowski, but he tries for Shattered Nuts and Val hides behind the ref and then rolls Goldust up for the pin at 5:35. Typically boring match between these two. *1/4

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon lectures at Oxford University. No really, that was a thing that happened.

The Stooges are out to change up the card, and instead of Rock v. HHH (“Hunter Hearst Hemsley”) as the main event, it’s now Rock v. X-Pac and HHH v. JJ for whatever reason. In reality, Steven Regal was supposed to win the European title from X-Pac here, but he was in rehab and never returned. Next up, Shane talks about how Vinnie Jones is a hard man, and thus might be George Michael’s boyfriend.

Works on so many levels. Anyway, Vince would like to add that tea time is some bullshit and the British Empire sucks and they all wish they were American. Also, Great Britain will be a “cesspool of debauchery” and the Prime Minister will be Pakistani. What a complete waste of time this was. Like, “Vinnie Jones is gay for George Michael” is their big heat spot? I’d have gone with “Big Daddy doesn’t deserve to be the Hall of Fame” myself.

Edge v. Tiger Ali Singh

I take it back! I’d rather have Vince making anti-British speeches for 20 minutes than sit through Tiger Ali Singh on PPV! Edge has his individual entrance back here, so I guess he’s the babyface? Tiger attacks to start, but Edge immediately grabs an armbar. He’s so young and exciting! Tiger misses a charge and Edge grabs another armbar to really crank things up. Edge with some dropkicks and Tiger bails, but Edge pulls him into the post. We needed Lawler to say he was SINGH-ing soprano there! Fine, I guess it’s up to me. Edge goes up with a missile dropkick for two, but a second try lands in a lazy powerslam and Tiger pins him at 2:55 with his feet on the ropes. This heel turn really did wonders for Edge’s career, didn’t it? DUD

Vinnie Jones, who may be George Michael’s boyfriend according to information divulged earlier in the show, joins us for an interview with Michael Cole. The British will fight anyone, apparently. Good to know.

Marc Mero & Jacqueline v. Christian & Sable

So I guess Mero’s retirement was actually delayed by one match due to contractual obligations. Thankfully they at least make an effort to keep in continuity by having Mero and Jackie get into a squabble before the match and act like they’re being forced to team. Speaking of which, Sable teaming with Christian is about as random as they come. Christian gets a hiptoss and dropkick on Mero, who tags out to Jackie, and she runs away from Sable. Mero comes in and Christian yanks down his shorts and allows Sable to get some cheapshots on him and the babyfaces take over. Sable superkicks Mero and Jackie won’t tag him, so Christian has to stay in. Christian goes up with a crossbody for two while Sable chases Jackie around the ring, but Mero comes back with the samoan drop and goes up. Christian brings him down and gets a leg lariat and inverted DDT, and Sable hits Mero with a low blow and Sablebomb. This is enough for Mero, who walks out on the match, and Sable finishes Jackie with the TKO at 4:47. Jackie attacks the ref in anger and Sable tears off her t-shirt, giving us blurred boobies. Sorry, the “uncensored” WWE Network is very much censored here. Best match of the show thus far with Christian just outright playing babyface. Sable was protected heavily because they didn’t want her doing anything physical and possibly bruising something before her Playboy shoot. **1/4

Intercontinental title: Ken Shamrock v. Steve Blackman

Blackman survives an attack and gets a spinkick for two, then slugs away in the corner and follows with a clothesline for two. Shamrock powerslams him and drops a knee, and a suplex gets two. Shamrock slugs away and follows with a kneelift, but Blackman cradles for two. Blackman fights back and walks into a leg lariat, and Shamrock goes to the facelock to slow down the torrid pace they’ve been setting thus far. Blackman fights free of Ken gently massaging his neck, but Ken gets a fisherman’s suplex for two. Blackman comes back with a shoulderblock to put Shamrock on the floor and goes after Bossman with a baseball slide, so Bossman whacks him in ankle with the nightstick and Ken taps him with the anklelock at 6:55. As the announcers note, Blackman went after Bossman completely unprovoked, so Bossman was completely justified in costing him the match. Just a match. *1/2

Meanwhile, The Rock enjoys some fruit backstage and runs through various catchphrase attempts before remembering his own. Really funny stuff and yet another sign of the Rock becoming a huge star.

Jeff Jarrett v. HHH

This is actually HHH’s first match since Summerslam, I believe. HHH works a headlock to start and gets a spinebuster for two. Jarrett bails and necksnaps him, but goes up with a crossbody and HHH rolls through for two. Jarrett takes him down with the armbar and JR keeps saying “Hunter Hearst Helmsley”. Wasn’t that long gone by 1998? Jarrett chokes away on the ropes, but Chyna helps her man out, so Jarrett goes to the sleeper instead. HHH fights out with a suplex and comes back with the knee, but Jarrett escapes the Pedigree and catapults Hunter. He decides not to go into the turnbuckles and dumps Jarrett, but Debra takes the ref and puts the moves on HHH. Jarrett grabs a chair in the meantime, but Chyna steals it, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 6:52. Eh. Super-safe return match for Hunter. *1/2

Meanwhile, D-Lo Brown tours the country and offers some suggestions to the locals on how to improve things.

WWF tag team titles: The New Age Outlaws v. D-Lo Brown & Mark Henry

The Outlaws’ spiel is so over that some doofus spills his beer on himself while singing along with it. Eh, it’s British beer, no big loss. JR recaps the antics of the “hooligans” in the bar who were harassing Chyna. Hooligans? I heard they knocked over a dustbin in Sheffield! Road Dogg sends D-Lo running with the dancing punches to start, and Gunn hits him with a press slam and clothesline on the way back into the ring. The Nation regroups and Henry comes in with a bearhug on Billy, but the Outlaws clear the ring again with a double-dropkick. Finally D-Lo comes back with a clothesline and gets heat on Road Dogg with the short powerbomb, and Mark comes in with a legdrop and big splash for two. Billy actually drags his partner back to the corner and tags himself in, which I’m pretty sure is not legal even in England. Gunn with the usual comeback spots, but Henry powerslams him to cut him off. Gunn hits the fameasser on D-Lo for the double down, and Billy gets the small package for two. Piledriver gets the pin out of nowhere at 10:11. What a completely random finish that was. The fans didn’t even react because that was hardly even a transition move. Was Dogg hurt legit or something, I wonder? Started OK but went nowhere. *1/2

WWF title: The Rock v. X-Pac

X-Pac works the arm to start and hits Rock with a pair of spinkicks to chase him to the floor and JR is LOSING HIS MIND while the crowd is less so. Who could possibly buy X-Pac as a serious contender based on what a geek he’s been booked like for weeks? Rock decides to walk out on the match, but HHH chases him back to the ring. What, does this clown think he’s in charge of the WWF or something? That’ll be the day, I say! Back in, X-Pac with the broncobuster, but that misses by a mile and Rock stomps him down to take over and a clothesline gets two. They fight to the floor and Rock throws JR’s refreshing beverage in X-Pac’s face, and back in for the chinlock. Russian legsweep gets two and he goes back to the chinlock, but REALLY sinks it in this time. Corporate Elbow gets two, and it’s back to the chinlock. X-Pac fights out and Chyna sneaks in with a low blow on Rock, and that gets two. X-Pac comes back with the leg lariat for two and goes up with a crossbody, but Rock rolls through for two. Ref is bumped and Rock goes after Hunter outside and grabs the title, but Hunter hits him with the European title and X-Pac gets two off that. He comes back with the broncobuster and Rock yells at Chyna and then brawls with HHH outside, and that’s a DQ at 12:34. Apparently JR feels like that shouldn’t be a DQ because HHH was “defending Chyna’s honor”. Pretty sure that’s not how the rules work. OK match, shit finish. **1/2 So then D-X does a beatdown of the Rock until Ken Shamrock makes the save. SHADES OF GREY.

Steve Austin v. Mankind v. Undertaker v. Kane

So Shane McMahon is the guest ring announcer, Pat Patterson is the guest timekeeper, Gerald Brisco is the guest referee, Big Bossman is the guest outside the ring referee, and Vince McMahon is the guest commentator. Things are looking bad for Steve Austin, guys! Vinnie Jones comes out to even the odds for some reason, but he goes after Big Bossman, and Gerald Brisco gives him the red card to eject him before the match even starts. Red card? Totally stolen from Stampede Wrestling. So after they take FOREVER to get to the actual match, Kane and Mankind start before the other two even do their entrances. Undertaker comes out and immediately chokeslams Mankind and throws Kane out, which is the cue for Steve Austin to make his entrance. So he brawls with Undertaker in the aisle and then Undertaker beats on Mankind at ringside. In the ring, Austin chokes Undertaker out but he comes back with the flying clothesline and legdrop for two. A sign at ringside notes that “Austin is a gooner.” Does one aspire to be a gooner or should Austin be insulted by that designation? Austin comes back with the Thesz Press on Taker, but Brisco won’t count due to a knee injury. Taker and Mankind fight outside and Austin gets two on Kane, but Brisco is again unable to finish the count due to sudden onset of injury. They all fight outside and Brisco decides to choke out Austin himself, which seems to be overstepping the bounds of refereeing. I’m pretty sure that’s not how the rules work. Gorilla Monsoon was probably so upset watching this that it led directly to his death. Back in the ring and they all slug it out as this meanders onwards and Taker tries the ropewalk on Austin but gets brought down by Kane. Mankind and Austin double-team Kane and Mick offers the MEGAPOWER HANDSHAKE, and of course Austin turns on him. Mankind with the claw, but Undertaker pulls him out of the ring to break, which doesn’t particularly make sense if the point is to beat Austin. So the Brothers double-team Austin next, but Mick joins in with Mr. Socko and then the brothers turn on him as well. This match isn’t particularly going anywhere. Kane and Undertaker beat on Austin in the corner and Mick grabs a chair and makes the save, but Taker gets another chair and puts him down for two. Austin gets a chairshot of his own, but Brisco still won’t count. Kane tries a chokeslam, but Austin kicks him low and it’s KICK WHAM STUNNER, but Brisco checks with Patterson looking for the official time. So Austin takes out Brisco and Taker chokeslams everyone, but now there’s no ref. Hebner comes in and Austin gets two on Kane, and KICK WHAM STUNNER finishes at 16:10. Just a bunch of stuff that happened, a basic house show main event. **

And finally, Vinnie Jones returns to help Austin get revenge on Big Bossman, and Earl Hebner cleans house so that they can all drink warm beer to end the show.

Total yawner and a complete waste of three hours, thumbs down.