The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School–04.22.91

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 04.22.91

Taped from Madison Square Garden

Your hosts are Gorilla, Bobby and Anvil, who is dressed like he’s going to a Fresh Prince cosplay convention.

Ricky Steamboat v. Haku

Ricky works a headlock to start, but Haku throws him out for the skin-the-cat spot and Dragon comes back with armdrags. Haku bails and stalls, and back in for more armdrags from Ricky. That arm ain’t getting any more worked over, Ricky. Haku nails him in the corner to take over and puts him down with a headbutt and a clothesline for two as they kind of wander around lazily. “The meat’s really flying out there!” declares Anvil. I don’t want to speak ill of the recently deceased, but they really couldn’t fire him from commentary soon enough for me. Dragon fights back with chops but puts his head down like a moron and gets pounded to the floor with clotheslines as a result. Haku brings him back in with a delayed suplex for two and goes to the chinlock as they mute a bunch of stuff out on commentary for whatever reason. Maybe Jesse Ventura stopped by to hum a Jim Johnston composition or something, who knows. Dragon fights back with more chops and it turns into a slugfest, with Steamboat triumphing for two. Haku misses a blind charge and Steamboat goes up with the flying bodypress to finish at 9:43. Super simple and basic night off for them. **

Power & Glory v. The Bushwackers

So we get 5:00 of stalling and comedy bullshit from the Bushwackers, then Luke gets beat up and double-teamed while Roma preens and Hercules gets blown up from standing on the apron clapping, hot tag Butch, more bullshit, finish gets fucked up because somehow Hercules can’t remember an elbowdrop, and the heels win at 10:49. There you go. DUD

Big Bossman v. The Mountie

We get the epic shock stick v. nightstick showdown as the idiot ref rings the bell WHILE THEY’RE HOLDING THE WEAPONS! Do your job, Danny Davis! So Bossman lays Mountie out with the nightstick and grabs the cattle prod, but finally the ref does his damn job and gets it out of there. Bossman blocks a leapfrog with a spinebuster and smacks him around on the mat, then tosses him while the announcers discuss jurisdiction and such. So…at what point did the Bossman character morph from a prison guard into legitimate law enforcement? Is he supposed to be, like a sheriff or something at this point? I mean, clearly the Mountie is, you know, a MOUNTIE, but Bossman’s job description appears to be much more nebulous outside of “upholding law, order and justice.” Did he run for elected office in Cobb County after turning babyface? Attend police academy like in that movie about the people who attended the police academy? I forget the name, but you know the one. It had the people from the Police Academy movie. I think it might have been Police Academy 4. Bossman beats on Mountie from the proverbial pillar to the literal post, but he misses a charge and goes flying over the top rope. Mountie works on the leg, but makes the fatal error of stopping to cut a promo, and bing bang Bossman slam finishes at 8:00. This was nothing but Mountie had HEAT, the first thing on the show thus far to do so. Mountie gives him a bunch of zaps with the stick for more ridiculously easy heat. **1/2

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Sgt. Slaughter

Sadly, this is not the Desert Storm street fight that came later. Sarge and General Adnan attack to start, so Hulk clears the ring and chokes Slaughter out with a TV cable, then slugs away in the ring and backdrops him out of the corner. He sends Slaughter into the post and slugs away on the mat, then throws him over the top and onto the announce table. I feel like this degree of cheating is not justified by a simple 2-on-1 attack to start the match. Sure, he took a fireball to the face, but that was like, two weeks ago. Get over it and stop living in the past. And show of hands: How many of you are thinking about throwing a fireball in Hogan’s face right now? BE HONEST. Sarge rakes the burned face to take over, but Hulk fights up, so Sarge dumps him to the floor and Hulk is wearing the CRIMSON MASK. Sarge runs him into the post and lays him out with the WWF title, then rams the ringbell into his face behind the ref’s back as well. This is some spectacularly incompetent refereeing tonight. IT LITERALLY WENT DING! Did the ref not even stop to ask the timekeeper about that? Anyway, Sarge gets two off all this punishment and goes back to ripping at the burned and bloody face. I mean, the man’s name IS Sgt. Slaughter, not Sgt. Laughter. All of this sets up the camel clutch, perhaps trying to avenge Iron Sheik from 7 years previous, but much like last time someone tried to put Hulk in a camel clutch in MSG, it also goes badly for Bob. Hulk fights with girlish rakes of the eyes, but Slaughter hits him in the burn again and adds a backbreaker for two. Slaughter works the back some more and drops a flying knee on him for two, but Hulk makes the comeback and even withstands the wind-up Popeye punch. Ref gets bumped because he’s useless and Sarge gets a chair this time and beats on the ref. I can’t blame him. It’s been really poor refereeing. Hulk gets the chair and commits various acts of assault with it, and the ref revives and calls for the DQ at 15:56. Seriously? The ref goes down from a clothesline but takes four shots to the back from a chair and is up 30 seconds later? Sarge tries to throw fire but gets blocked with a chair, which we all know from the childhood game of rock-paper-scissors-chair-fire. Fire burns paper, chair blocks fire, you know the rest. Hulk brings some kid into the ring to pose with the belt. Fun fact: The kid was so inspired by Hogan that he grew up to be Bruno Sammartino. True story. ***1/4

Irwin R. Schyster v. Jimmy Snuka

Ah yes, the early career period of IRS, when he would tear off his dress pants and reveal his ridiculous tights underneath. The image of IRS wrestling in a shirt and tie, tucked into pea soup colored striped tights with “I R S” in red letters on his ass deserves a Hall of Fame all its own. Irwin works a headlock, but Snuka chases him out of the ring. Irwin comes back with a suplex into the ring and drops elbows for two. Further to the overanalysis of Mike’s ridiculous abomination of a gear, it appears that the shirt is not an actual shirt as such, but another part of the costume with fake buttons that look like a dress shirt. However, as he progressed with the character, he simply started wearing a shirt and pants instead, because THAT was at least slightly less ridiculous. Think about THAT. IRS rolls through a bodypress for the pin at 6:30. And somehow this character stuck around for another five years! ½*

Kerry Von Erich v. The Warlord

Test of strength to start and I’m pretty sure both guys are immediately blown up. Also, this match is a hazard because if they strain too hard, one of the needles might shoot out of the scar tissue on their ass and hit someone in the front row. Warlord needs a break from the test of strength so he goes to a bearhug while the announcers discuss the made-up backstory of Kerry being a world class discus thrower. It’s amazing how Fritz’s bullshit can permeate even to the national level. Bobby: “Kerry’s strength in college was actually the lesser known javelin catcher position.” Ha! Kerry bails to escape the vicious hugging, so Warlord runs him into the post. Kerry tries a sunset flip back in and looks like a sea mammal crashing onto the beach during a tidal wave, and Warlord puts him down with a backbreaker to spare us any more acrobatic attempts. Warlord misses a splash, somehow looking unable to grasp the process of jumping in the air and landing on another man with his body, and the discus punch gets two for Kerry. Tornado with the sleeper, but they both hit the floor and slug it out until both are counted out at 9:22. Kerry wants five more minutes, but I’m pretty sure Zahorian was closing up shop right away and Warlord needed to get back there. -**

The Orient Express & Mr. Fuji v. The Rockers & Virgil

Tanaka pounds on Shawn to start and puts him down with a side kick, but Shawn comes back with a clothesline and chases him out of the ring. Back in, Shawn slugs away and the Rockers outsmart the heels and clean house. Next up, Kato wants Virgil and immediately tosses him into the corner for some punishment from FUJ THE STOOGE, but Virgil fights back with his pugilism. Kato cuts him off and they fight to the floor, knocking out the signal for a second in the process. Marty dumps the Express and it’s kind of a mess, but finally the Express isolates him and we get to the good stuff that is Shawn playing face in peril. Tanaka works the back and goes to a chinlock, then puts him down with a flying forearm for two. Orients double-team Shawn for two and Kato goes to his own chinlock, but Shawn powers into an electric chair onto the top rope to break free. Tanaka suckers Marty in to set up another double-team, but Shawn fights them off and it’s hot tag Marty. He runs wild and powerslams Tanaka for two, and a double superkick puts him down and out, which allows Virgil to get the pity win with the Million Dollar Dream at 11:11. That’s pretty condescending of them. Match was pretty fun. ***

Ted Dibiase v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

That Dibiase and Sherri combination just never clicked for whatever reason. Piper comes in and whomps Dibiase right away, beating on him with the belt and choking him out with the kilt, but he tries an atomic drop and immediately blows out his bad knee. Sherri gets involved and Piper gets rid of her with a kiss (#MeToo) but she trips him up and Dibiase hits him with a cheapshot. Piper keeps getting distracted by Sherri and runs into Dibiase’s boot as a result. Dibiase goes to work on the bad knee and gives him a lovetap with a chair behind the ref’s back, but that gets two. Good, because if Piper had laid down for that wussy chairshot I would have had to revoke his lifetime Haku rating. Dibiase wraps the wrong leg around the post for whatever reason and tries to finish with the spinning toehold, but Piper sends him into the turnbuckles and makes the comeback. He steals a cup of soda from Sherri and throws it at Dibiase, but Sherri steals the Brain’s chair and gives it Dibiase for another shot to the bad knee. This sets up the figure-four and PIPER QUITS at 7:33?! No, wait, Howard Finkel clarifies that Piper did not submit, but the ref stopped the match to prevent further damage. That’s what LOSERS say. What a dumb finish. Piper, who actually had legit leg surgery around this time, was not even convincing selling the knee injury here at all and it left the match really feeling flat. **

You’re not missing much by skipping this one.