The SmarK Rant for WWF All Star Wrestling–02.09.80

The SmarK Rant for WWF All Star Wrestling – 02.09.80

Wait, so last week’s show actually BEAT Sunday Night Heat in the pagecount race for the week. Only by 100 views, but still. What is WRONG with you people? So I guess that’s a sign that I should continue.

And of COURSE the Network is missing the week where Bruno accepts Larry’s challenge.

Taped from Hamburg, PA

Your host is Vince McMahon

THE FOLLOWING WRESTLING EXHIBITION REQUIRES DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION

Hulk Hogan v. Joe Mascara

Sadly, Joe’s tag team partner, John Eyeshadow, was seriously injured in the missing 02.02.80 show and forced into retirement. They tried to replace him with a lookalike named Bob Falseeyelashes but it was just never the same. Mascara fruitlessly works a headlock on Hulk and gets put onto the apron like a child, and Hulk grinds on his own headlock and then works the arm while Vince marvels at the tan and beach body of Hulk. Hulk continues working the arm while Vince clarifies that Hulk isn’t slow, he just has no regard for the skills of Mascara. Good to know. Hulk chokes him out as this incredibly dull squash continues unabated and finishes with a bearhug at 5:58. Vince goes to the replay, noting “And now we go to slow motion action”. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THE ENTIRE MATCH, THEN?

Tony Atlas v. Jose Estrada

They tussle for the lockup and Tony overpowers him with a wristlock, but Jose slugs away on the ropes and just makes Tony MAD. Atlas explodes like Trump on Twitter and…uh…grabs a headlock. Never mind, then. Estrada goes to the armbar…and the armbar…and another armbar, but Tony reverses to his own wristlock as Vince ponders which one is vacillating more. Estrada tries a headlock and Atlas tosses him off and slowly pounds on him. A devastating bodyslam follows, but Jose slugs away in the corner and rakes the eyes a few times to really crank up the action. Atlas comes back with a dropkick, however, and finally finishes this with a headbutt at 7:40. Even Vince bitches that Atlas was selling too much for Estrada here.

Vince interviews Atlas afterwards, as he cuts an embarrassingly terrible promo very reminiscent of Eddie Murphy’s Buckwheat. I hope to god that’s his normal accent at the time and Vince Sr. wasn’t asking him to cut a promo where his character just escaped from a southern plantation.

The Wild Samoans v. Steve King & Dominic DeNucci

The Samoans stall for the first 2:00 and Vince is like “Well, admittedly there’s been no action thus far.” That pretty much sums up the entire show this week. The Samoans double-team King as Vince cruelly sums up the Bruno-Larry angle WE DON’T GET TO SEE ON THE GODDAMN NETWORK that was 100 million times more awesome than anything on this show. Of all the shows to omit! Dominic comes in and gets choked and chopped in the corner, but he fights back, only to get choked and chopped some more. This show is more boring than the buildup to a Roman Reigns title match. Finally Dominic grabs what appears to be the hammer from the ringbell and fights them off, but the Samoans literally no-sell a HAMMER TO THE FUCKING HEAD and continue their boring offense on DeNucci, who is barely selling anything himself. Back to Steve King and thank fucking god they finish this shitty match with the samoan drop at 10:21. FUCK THIS SHOW. FUCK IT LIKE BROCK LESNAR FUCKING OVER ROMAN REIGNS IN A TITLE MATCH.

Bobby Duncum v. Charlie Brown

Jesus, there’s still 9 minutes left in this cure for insomnia? That’s like 3 whole Roman Reigns chinlocks. Speaking of which, Duncum immediately clamps on a chinlock and holds it. Like literally, first match of the match. Brown slugs back, but Duncum finds some kind of foreign object on the mat and hits Brown with it, then goes to an armbar. More chinlocks and he drops a knee and finally finishes with a bulldog at 4:49.

And then after hyping up a Bruno Sammartino interview ALL FUCKING HOUR the show just ends with a “presented in the most complete form possible” disclaimer. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Still better than Roman Reigns.