The SmarK Rant for WWF Breakdown–09.27.98

The SmarK Rant for WWF Breakdown – 09.27.98

(Originally written 06.26.18)

So the Heat shows have convinced me to “buy” the PPV they’re hyping up, Breakdown, a show that I only remember one match. It was originally written the night of the show in 1998, when I would have been drinking and only half paying attention (as opposed to now, where I’ve quit drinking) so it’s been in need of a redo for 20 years.

Live from Hamilton, ON, drawing 17,000 and a typically decent buyrate for the time of about 300,000.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

We get a REALLY good video package, echoing the “Mr. McMahon’s Utopia” one from earlier in the year, laying out his “master plan” to deal with Steve Austin. Man, they used to be awesome at these.

Oddly, the announcer still calls the show “Breakdown: In Your House”. I thought they had completely dropped that branding by this point?

Edge v. Owen Hart

Owen wears a Toronto Argonauts jersey to the ring trying for the cheap heel pop, because astonishingly Hamilton has their own football team and it’s a big rivalry. They’re the “Tiger-Cats”, in one of the more redundant names in football. Just in case you’re wondering. Edge is the one with the babyface reaction tonight, despite being from Toronto, the city hated by everyone in Canada who is not Toronto. They fight over the wristlock and Edge works the arm, but Owen takes him down and drops a knee on the elbow. Monkey flip out of the corner, but Edge lands on his feet and goes back to the arm again. He takes Owen down with a rana and clotheslines him to the floor, but Owen evades a dive. However, he makes the classic heel error of pointing to his brain to indicate how smart that he is, at which point Edge baseball slides him. Edge tries another dive, but Owen catches him with a powerslam on the floor, and a missile dropkick gets two as Owen takes over. Gut wrench gets two. Owen with the chinlock and do a nice little sequence where they trade rollups off a victory roll, and Edge gets a crossbody out of the corner for two. Owen puts him down with the Owenzuigiri and goes up, but Edge brings him down with an electric chair into a facebuster. He almost invented the One Winged Angel! Edge with a flapjack and neckbreaker for two. DDT gets two. Owen with a backdrop suplex, but Edge lands on his feet and gets a northern lights suplex for two. Owen with a german suplex for two. He misses a blind charge and Edge takes him to the top rope, but Owen blocks a superplex and jumps down for the Sharpshooter. Edge reverses to a cradle for two off that. Edge with the leg lariat, but some mysterious guy with long blond hair pops out of the crowd, and Edge is DUMBFOUNDED, as Owen rolls Edge up for the pin at 9:30. And that was the WWF debut of Christian. Good TV-level match, nothing astonishing. ***

Too Much v. Al Snow & Scorpio

This was a very weird time, as JR talks about how “Al’s infamous Leif Cassidy and Avatar characterizations certainly did not succeed.” WHAT EVEN IS THIS? You’d think getting a bunch of people to chant “Head” would be the easiest babyface character in the world to pull off, but they somehow never got the gimmick and how to make Snow into a star. Scorpio, who was aimlessly drifting from partner to partner at this point, works on Taylor’s arm and gets an atomic drop. Funny how Too Much went from this loser footnote gimmick to something they could milk endlessly on the indies until they retire. Like shit, as long as Taylor can do a Worm, he can work 3 minute matches at county fairs for $500 a pop until he’s 70. Snow comes in and hits Taylor with a backdrop, and Scorpio adds a pair of corner clotheslines. A chair gets involved and Snow dives off it behind the ref’s back for an Air Sabu, and then Scorpio also tries it and completely botches it, nearly landing on his head and kind of sliding into Taylor into the corner instead. Too Much takes a clown bump anyway and Scorpio hits Taylor with a flying splash for two, but picks him up. Why do that? Scorpio goes up again to finish, but this time Christopher crotches him and suplexes him on the floor, and Taylor follows with a springboard double axehandle. Back in, Scorpio plays face in peril and blows a double backdrop spot, forgetting to land on his feet. So Christopher bulldogs him. Then they repeat the backdrop spot and Scorpio nearly blows it AGAIN, but makes the hot tag to Snow this time. They all go for pins and no one knows who’s legal, but Snow finishes Taylor with the Snow Plow at 8:09. This was a fucking disaster. ½* I don’t even know what Scorpio’s deal was tonight, unless he got into the REALLY good Canadian weed, because his timing was wrong on everything and he missed multiple spots in obvious fashion.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole asks the Brothers which one will do the honors of pinning Austin and becoming WWF champion. Undertaker tells him that they have an understanding.

Marvelous Marc Mero v. Droz

Mero attacks to start, but Droz presses him into a faceplant and chases him to the floor. Back in, Mero hits him with a kneelift, but Droz shoulderblocks him and then charges and gets backdropped to the floor. Mero hits him with the somersault plancha, but Droz makes a comeback in the ring and slugs away. He doesn’t really know where to go with this, it looks like. Powerslam gets two. Droz stops to yell at Jackie and Mero puts him down with a clothesline and chokes him out with the wrist tape. The ref deals with that, but that allows Jackie to come off the top with the HIGH HEEL SHOE OF DOOM and Mero finishes with the shooting star press at 5:11. Droz looked like a deer in the headlights out there. *

Vader v. Bradshaw

This is one fall to a finish, anything goes, falls count anywhere. I bet this is gonna be stiff. Bradshaw actually debuts the short hair and clean-shaven look that would define JBL, although obviously he grew the hair back out later. Still kind of trippy. In his pre-match promo he declares that “It’s survival of the fittest, not survival of the fattest”, which is definitely a line that JBL would use in the future, although at this point JR actually apologizes to fans for the line. Bradshaw hammers away in the corner and gets a corner clothesline, then slams him and drops an elbow for two. Vader clobbers him and adds a splash for two. Bradshaw gets a big boot and clotheslines him to the floor, then adds a lariat out there. And then they start throwing BOMBS at each other before Vader sends him into the stairs and drops it on him. Vader’s like “OK, you want to play that way?” and throws some stiff punches on the floor, and back in for an exchange of gentlemanly fisticuffs between them until Bradshaw hits a backdrop suplex. He charges and hits the floor and they go back to punching each other in the face until Vader kicks him in the nuts for two. Vader whips him into the railing and you can audibly hear Bradshaw swearing at him on camera, and back in Vader goes up with the splash off the middle rope. Vader goes up again with the Vaderbomb, but that only gets two. Bradshaw comes back with the Clothesline From Hell, and that gets two. Another one, even harder this time, and Bradshaw lays the badmouth on him and adds a neckbreaker for the pin at 7:54. This Bradshaw push, like all the others, went nowhere. So the match wasn’t what you’d call good, but HOLY SHIT was it stiff and both guys were just unloading, so I award it **1/2 and a hearty…

Meanwhile, we head back to the WWF.com desk with Kevin Kelly and Jason Sensation, and he does some pretty impressive impressions of WWF stars.

D-Lo Brown v. Gangrel

D-Lo lost the European title to X-Pac on Monday, so he’s just from Chicago again now. JR notes that Gangrel is “allegedly living a gothic lifestyle of some sort”. Those are some harsh allegations. D-Lo attacks and Gangrel cuts him off and slugs away, then hits a corkscrew elbow for two. D-Lo comes back with a leg lariat while JR notes that he’s been wearing the chest protector since June and “could have recovered from a tumor by now”. D-Lo goes up and misses an elbow, but goes low and hits the running powerbomb for two. Blind charge misses and Gangrel tries a DDT, but D-Lo blocks it and gets a suplex for two. Gangrel tries a comeback, but D-Lo cuts him off and rolls him up for two. The match drags on while Lawler makes fun of some guy in the crowd with a Hulkamania sign because it shows Canada is “behind the times.” Funny how that would change in a few years. Gangrel gets a flying bodypress for two and the crowd is completely dead, but Mark Henry comes out and pulls Gangrel out and beats on him behind the ref’s back. Back in, D-Lo finishes with the Low Down at 7:53. This felt 3 hours long. * Gangrel gets revenge by spitting “that red, viscous liquid” in Henry’s eyes and DDTing D-Lo.

Cage match: The Rock v. Mankind v. Ken Shamrock

This was the official beginning of Rock’s monster push all the way to the top, and his pre-match promo hits a lot of the usual Rock beats but without the pauses for crowd interaction. Mankind cuts a hilariously unhinged promo about how even he would have turned down Monica Lewinsky in high school, and he’s not stupid enough to lie down and sell the People’s Elbow. Plus he’s been training with Spaceman Frank Hickey. Ken Shamrock is a MONSTER heel in Canada and gets solidly booed by the crowd. The reaction for the Rock is something to behold, as all the twentysomething guys go NUTS for him. Vince must have been blowing a load in his pants thinking of all the money he was about to make. Shamrock slugs away on the Rock to start while Mankind decides to just walk out the door, but Rock cuts him off. Mankind hits Shamrock with a knee in the corner, but Rock puts Mick down with a clothesline and the crowd EXPLODES. He tries to leave, but Shamrock cuts him off and slugs it out with Foley. Shamrock chokes him out and goes to an abdominal stretch, but Rock puts Ken in his OWN at the same time. Never even seen that before. So Shamrock hiptosses Rock to escape, and Mick hiptosses Shamrock, and we’re back to the start again. Rock and Mankind make a deal to team up, and Rock immediately turns on him to a big pop, but of course they’d have their day. Mick tries to climb out and Rock slams him to the mat again. Shamrock beats up both guys and goes for the door, but Rock hauls him back in and we get a Rock and Sock beatdown. They actually do well with simple double-teams (Mick actually yells “You hold him, and I’ll kick him!” and they manage to pull it off without screwing it up) and they run Shamrock into the cage. Mick gives Rock a series of complex hand signals and they do a nice double-team knee as a result, and now Mick’s really pumped, so of course Rock turns on him again. Poor Foley. ☹ So now Rock and Shamrock double-team Mankind and Ken gets the anklelock, but Rock breaks that up. So then Mankind and Shamrock double-team Rock and that gets MAD heel heat from the crowd. Like, they are personally offended that Rock is selling. Mick and Ken take turns beating on Rock and hit a double suplex, but Rock comes back with a DDT on Mick. DDT on Shamrock follows and Rock slams them both and does a Double People’s Elbow as the arena comes absolutely unglued. Vince probably had a solid half-chub again. Rock tries to climb out and they haul him down again, so Rock hits Rock Bottom on Mankind for two. Shamrock saves and the crowd just blasts him as Lawler declares Canada to be Bizarroworld. Rock comes back and slugs Shamrock , but Ken suplexes him into an anklelock as the crowd freaks out. Mankind makes the save to a huge pop, because he saved the Rock, and he climbs out and gets cut off by Rock. They slug it out on top of the cage and Rock goes down, leaving Mankind alone to leave, but he decides to go full Superfly instead and murder his girlfriend in brutal fashion and then avoid justice for 30 years due to incompetent police drop an elbow. Sadly, that misses, and everyone is out, but Shamrock crawls for the door, so Mankind pulls a chair into the ring through the door and knocks Shamrock out. Mick decides to climb out, so Rock wisely pins the unconscious Shamrock at 18:50 instead and wins the #1 contendership. This was 17,000 people telling Vince McMahon “THIS IS THE PERSON WE WANT AS OUR TOP STAR” and the next night on RAW, Rock pinned Undertaker with the Rock Bottom clean as a sheet and never looked back. This match put me in my happy place. **** Sometimes, when it matches up with his plans, Vince listens. Shamrock snaps afterwards, setting up his heel turn that also revitalized HIS career.

Val Venis v. Dustin Runnels

Val brings out Terri for the heat, but once the bell rings, all the heat is gone. Dustin slugs away in the corner, but Val gets a legsweep and gyrates. We hit the chinlock and that goes on for a while, but Dustin fights out and Val clotheslines him for two. Dustin with a DDT for two. He goes up and Val drops him to the floor. Back in, Dustin tosses Val again, but Terri uses the POWER OF THE POON to get Val fired up again, and Val comes back before Dustin bulldogs him for two. This was messed up because Val was supposed to kick out and just forgot, so the ref stopped the count for the no reason, and Val finishes with the Money Shot at 9:05. In the Observer at the time, Dave noted that Terri looked like “a washed up porn star” here. Or as we’d call her today, “like Tammy Sytch”. Heatless and dull. *

Oh, speaking of “dull” and his partners “heatless”…

Jeff Jarrett & Southern Justice v. X-Pac & The New Age Outlaws

Jarrett starts with Road Dogg and the crowd immediately is lost because there’s a fight in the stands. Dogg gets caught in the heel corner and worked over, and Canterbury drops an elbow for two. Dogg does his dance and Canterbury cuts him off with a clothesline. Jarrett with a DDT for two. X-Pac comes in with the leg lariat and gets slammed by Canterbury as a result as JR runs through his rolodex of homespun southern wisdom. He’s not quick, he’s sudden! Trying to slow him down is like trying to pour smoke through a keyhole! Jarrett powerslams him for two and the heels work him over. Canterbury with a wheelbarrow slam for two and the crowd is just not into this at all. Hot tag Gunn, who is the best pure athlete in the WWF, you know. Someday he might even do something athletic to prove it! X-Pac with the Broncobuster on Jarrett, but everyone brawls and JJ grabs the guitar. The ref cuts it off, but Jarrett gets it back on the floor and kabongs X-Pac with it. In the ring, Gunn finishes Knight with the fameasser at 11:22. So what was the point of having X-Pac take a guitar to the head if it didn’t lead to the finish? Didn’t the poor guy have enough concussions by that point? Match was OK. **

WWF Title: Steve Austin v. Undertaker v. Kane

Austin attacks both brothers during Undertaker’s entrance and lays out Taker with a chair, but Kane takes control in the ring and goes up with the flying clothesline, which misses. Austin chokes him out while Taker heads back to ringside, but Austin sends him into the stairs to take him out again. “Are you OK, Undertaker?” yells some concerned fan at ringside. Back in the ring, Austin works over Kane and hits the stunner, but Taker yanks him out of the ring and sends him into the post. Back in, Taker slugs away on Austin, which JR describes as “sounding like a thirty-aught-six exploding in the ribcage of Austin”. Come on, let’s take the metaphor train down a few notches. Austin with a neckbreaker for two. They head to the floor and the brothers have some dissention , which allows Austin to run them together and choke out Kane with a TV cable. Taker chokes Austin out in turn and they go to work on Austin again, dropping him on the announce table and taking turns beating on him. Back in the ring, Austin tries to fight back and gets cut off while the Stooges come out to watch. So they slowly fight up the aisle and this match is already dragging on way too long at 10:00 in. Austin breaks away and attacks Brisco, but Slaughter saves and Austin gets dragged back to the ring. We get a replay of Austin attacking Taker at the very start of the match because there’s so little going on in the present. A chair gets involved and Taker puts Austin down with it, but Kane saves at two. They do some more double-teaming and Kane gets two this time, but now Undertaker saves. Then he decides to turn on his brother, which allows Austin to come back and clothesline Taker to the floor. Legsweep on Kane gets two. Undertaker and Kane work out their issues and go back to slowly beating on Austin again after our one burst of something interesting, and Kane gets two. Kane and Taker squabble again and slug it out as this match goes nowhere slowly, but now Austin finally makes the comeback to wake up some of the crowd. Taker goes up and Austin sends Kane into the ropes to bring him down, but the brothers cut off the comeback again, and a double chokeslam gets the anticlimactic pin at 22:02. There’s no announcement of who wins the title, but Vince comes out and takes the belt for himself, because he doesn’t care who the champion actually is, as long as it’s not Austin. A forgettable main event that has rightly been forgotten and overshadowed by what it led to two months later. *1/2

The Pulse

The Rock cage match is a fascinating piece of history, and the rest of the show is anything but. Just a throwaway Attitude Era show that basically burned out the crowd with a bunch of meaningless midcard matches and a disappointing main event. Thumbs down.