The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–06.05.89

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The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 06.05.89

As picked by winning commentator JosephM for correctly guessing that both myself and Meltzer gave Okada v. Omega 7 stars!

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby, coming from the premiere of “No Holds Barred”. This is apparently why he picked this particular episode.

Gorilla’s first whopper is that the movie “broke box office records everywhere” when it debuted the weekend previous. Bobby notes that the audience reminds of him when they show movies at San Quentin.

King Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Dave Wagner

So Duggan is the head of a fictional monarchy, but he still supports American democracy? I’m getting very mixed political signals here. The Genius does an inset promo where he makes fun of Duggan’s crossed eyes, and gosh wouldn’t that be an awesome program? Duggan throws the jobber around by the beard and gets a hiptoss, then elbows him down and finishes with the three point stance at 1:45. Bobby Heenan tries to steal the crown and that goes pretty badly for him, but luckily Haku makes the save for his helpless manager and stands up to vicious bully Duggan. Duggan cheats and gains an unfair advantage like a coward, so Andre the Giant comes out and evens up the odds by double-teaming him. Finally Big John Studd chases off the Heenan family, giving us another nightmare program of Duggan & Studd v. Haku & Andre. I can’t even imagine poor Haku having to work for four guys in that kind of disaster. Andre tries to head back in and gets knocked out of the ring again. 0 for 1.

Jack Tunney stops by the lobby to chat with our hosts, but he’s just looking for the bathroom. Arnold Skaaland stops by after the break, which offends Bobby.

The Genius reads a poem about how he should have starred in the movie, and some teenage girls stop by to ask Gorilla for an autograph.

Mr. Perfect v. Lance Allen

Good wrestling name for the pasty, balding jobber. Kind of a waste, actually. Perfect chops away in the corner and hits the necksnap, but Allen fights back with a hiptoss out of the corner. Lord Alfred just buries the jobber on commentary, and he misses a blind charge and gets booted out of the corner, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:13. Just a squash. 0 for 2.

Next up for Bobby, a woman mistakes him for an usher and wants to be taken to her seat. Gorilla points out that had he done so, he could have seen the movie, which is what he was trying to do all along.

Sean Mooney introduces a Rougeau promo, and the Rockers are JEALOUS because they’ve got sweet capes and the Rockers have torn up shirts. Next up, Red Rooster wants to thank all his “rooster boosters” for supporting his new chicken wing finisher. TWENTY NINE WRIT…oh, wait, never mind.

The Twin Towers v. Ray Brown & Jerry Lynn

SAY WHAT?! Yes, Jerry Lynn was apparently doing jobs on 1989 WWF TV and thus my MIND IS BLOWN for the week. WWE Network, will you ever cease to amaze me? Akeem throws this Lynn kid around to start and Bossman slugs him down and lets him tag out to Ray Brown. Bossman immediately hits a spinebuster and Akeem finishes him with a big fat splash at 2:20. 0 for 3.

Bobby Heenan orders a PA to bring him some popcorn, and it naturally gets spilled all over him.

The Bushwackers v. Brooklyn Brawler & Bad News Brown

Didn’t I review this on a Coliseum video recently? Anyway, the Wackers double-team Brawler in their corner and we get various wacky shenanigans as they bite him. Over to Bad News, and he’s having NO offbeat shenanigans and immediately headbutts Butch down and pounds on him. So he lets Brawler have another go at it, and naturally he fucks it up and gets double-teamed by the Bushwackers again. Back to Bad News, and he beats on Luke and carries the load for Lombardi, and once again the Brawler comes in and misses an elbow like a moron. The Wackers double-team him with the battering ram and finish with the gutbuster at 5:45. A disgusted Brown finally just turns on Brawler and hits him with the Ghetto Blaster, leaving him laying. Cute story, but it’s the Bushwackers. 0 for 4.

Sean Mooney is back, in Pog form! No, he’s just here to introduce Bret Hart doing a promo. He wants the “continental” belt! Like, the director couldn’t stop the take and correct him? Speaking of electric promo skills, Mr. Fuji and Barbarian want to make people suffer, although they have no specific targets of suffering in mind at this specific point in time. Wait, why is Fuji managing him? Was that before the POP officially split up?

Lord Alfred Hayes stops by to rub in all the excitement that Bobby and Gorilla are missing by not watching the movie.

Honky Tonk Man v. Red Tyler

Tyler was always a talented jobber, despite his soulless ginger nature. Wait, are we still allowed to hate gingers? I mean, Bryce Dallas Howard aside, am I right? Honky beats on Tyler in the corner and hits a hooking clothesline as Gorilla informs us that we’re in LaCrosse, Wisconsin for the show this week. Was the town named after the sport or vice-versa? I assume it had to be one or the other. Also why would you want to announce that you’re in LACROSSE WISCONSIN for what is supposed to be a major TV taping? Honky finishes with Shake Rattle and Roll at 1:30. He blesses us with his song, but the guy in the truck keeps turning his music down until Mean Gene cuts him off and starts his interview segment.

Superfly Jimmy Snuka joins us as Gene’s guest, but Honky steals the microphone and accuses Snuka of living in the trees, and eating coconuts and pineapples. I’m pretty sure those are from totally different areas of the world. Unless maybe he’s living in a tree in one of those biodomes where they’re cultivating various florae from around the world. But I don’t feel like that’s likely.

Gorilla points out to Bobby that no one has been leaving to get popcorn because they don’t want to miss a minute of the excitement of the movie, so it’s unlikely anyone will bring any to Bobby.

Coliseum Corner with Tony Schiavone, as he shills the “Brains Behind the Brawn” tape AVAILABLE NOW. Actually available on the WWE Network too, although I took a hard pass on reviewing that one.

Jim Powers v. Iron Mike Sharpe

This is a random opening match from the Meadowlands, because apparently they had burned through EVERY OTHER MATCH EVER. Like seriously, they’re just fucking with us now. Sharpe offers a handshake, but he was LYING and Powers chases him out of the ring while Hayes explains Mike’s connection to the more famous Sharpe Brothers. Back in, Sharpe gets a few clubbing forearms and yells a lot, but Powers chases him out of the ring again with a dropkick. Sharpe runs away a few more times, and tries a dropkick back in the ring and gets nowhere with it. And then he takes another walk, and heads back in for a test of strength this time. Powers escapes that and works the arm. I know wrestlers work left, but Sharpe has literally had an arm protector on his right wrist for a decade at that point! Sharpe necksnaps him to escape and even Tony points out that Powers was working the wrong arm, and in fact Sharpe uses his reinforced forearm to take over, and runs Powers into the turnbuckle for two. Powers comes back and runs Sharpe into the turnbuckles 10 times and gets two. Sharpe uses the CLUBBING FOREARM to cut him off, but Powers comes back and powerslams him for the pin at 10:35. Perfectly cromulent. 1 for…whatever we’re at now.

Bobby gets accosted by some fat ladies carrying a giant sandwich into the theater. I should point out that this show has now been running longer than the actual movie was.

Demolition v. Todd Becker & Fuller Stevens

Are these jobbers rejects from the NXT name generator or something? The champs beat on the guy in the leopard tights to start and then the other guy comes in and gets smashed. Hayes informs me that it’s Todd Becker, and I’ll take his word for it. Smash finishes crushing him and the Decapitation finishes at 2:10. Demolition demolishing geek jobbers is always fun. 2 for whatever. We’re on a hot streak now! Also, why wouldn’t they mention Ax’s starring role in the movie? Maybe that’s why he got pissed off and left.

Meanwhile, Bobby is pretty sure that the Brainbusters will win the tag titles soon. Gorilla suggests finding a partner for Andre the Giant instead. Hmm…

Meanwhile, Dusty Rhodes is delivering pizza, including “pig snout pizza with extra feet on the side.”

Back to Sean Mooney, as he aims to solve the eternal question: Who’s stronger, Hercules or Dino Bravo? Clearly, the answer is FUCK OFF. Also, Koko B. Ware has a new look and a NEW ATTITUDE. However, he’s still a big loser. #truthhurts

Tito Santana v. Jake Milliman

Gee, how can you tell they’re doing TV in Minnesota? Rugged Ronnie Garvin is the referee here, in case there’s any troubleshooting needed. Tito works a headlock on the Milkman and goes to the arm while Milliman yells “My arm hurts!” And people thought the selling in the Okada match was spectacular. Tito slams him and finishes with the flying forearm at 2:20. Milliman decides to take out his frustrations on Garvin, and…well…you know what happens.

Greg Valentine v. Hillbilly Jim

From the esteemed Copps Coliseum in Hamilton, and this is our FEATURE MATCH. Gorilla relates a story about Hillbilly using horse salve on his broken leg to speed healing. OK then. Jim trips him up and Hammer bails, and we take a break from this exciting action while the Bushwackers annoy Bobby, and return to the match, unfortunately. Back with Jim holding a bearhug, but Hammer escapes with forearms to the back while Gorilla again reminds us that it takes Hammer 15 minutes to warm up. Valentine goes to the chinlock and reverses a slam for two, and back to the chinlock we go. Jim escapes and comes back with an atomic drop, and a big boot for two. Jim stops to chase Jimmy, and Hammer rolls him up for the pin with a handful of overalls at 6:45 shown.

And the payoff, as Bobby Heenan finally gets to go see the movie with Sherri as his date. So they’ve been sitting in the lobby for TWO HOURS doing this show…how much longer could possibly be left in the movie?

Well, there you go. Wouldn’t have been my pick for a show to watch, but if 1989 WWF TV makes you happy, who am I to argue?