The SmarK Rant for WWF All-Star Wrestling–01.19.80

The SmarK Rant for WWF All-Star Wrestling – 01.19.80

Hey, I want to ride this Zbyszko thing out and see where it goes, what can I say?

Taped from Hamburg, PA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

THE FOLLOWING WRESTLING EXHIBITION REQUIRES DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION

Pat Patterson v. DB Coleman

This is non-title, for those worried about Pat losing his newly-won Intercontinental title here. Pat works a headlock on Coleman and pulls on his beard to retain control, and then pokes him in the eye. Pat was signing autographs for the fans before the match but he’s kind of a dick here, to say the least. Coleman chokes him down in the corner and chokes and chokes and chokes and finally Patterson rakes his eyes to escape and tosses him, ramming him into the doctor’s table at ringside. I believe during the steroid trials, Patterson claimed to have never met or known Dr. George Zahorian, and now we’ve got photographic proof that he was lying. Back in, Patterson with Bombs Away on Coleman for the pin at 5:41. 0 for 1.

Bruno Sammartino interviews Pat and trying to decipher their accents at the same time is like playing that game The Witness where you have to navigate two mazes at the same time.

Rene Goulet v. Jose Estrada

It’s a very international flavor to the show thus far this week, like a fine instant coffee beverage. Goulet takes Estrada down with a flying headscissors, but Estrada does his own version in turn. Goulet escapes and slugs him down, then drops an elbow for two. He goes to a facelock and Estrada reverses him into a hammerlock and then pounds away on him. Goulet takes him down and honestly looks like he’s trying to rape him on the mat, but then changes his mind and they fight for a suplex instead. Estrada wins that battle and then slams him for two, but Goulet takes him down and works the knee. Estrada fights up, so Goulet gets a vertical suplex and that’s apparently enough to finish at 6:20. Really? OK then. 0 for 2.

The Great Hossain Arab doesn’t usually like to speak English, but he’s here to teach us his array of suplexes and tell us how great Iran is. Kids today, they don’t know how to wrestling! In one hand is hamburger and in other hand is TV, and they’re fat and slobs. Everyone’s talking about Bruno Sammartino is strongest man in world, but he’s never done Persian clubs. So he proceeds to demonstrate as usual. Gotta love Sheik. 1 for 3.

Ken Patera v. Charlie Brown

Charlie here is not to be confused with Jimmy Valiant’s alter ego. Or the comic strip character, I guess. Grand Wizard helps Patera remove his track suit in a manner that leaves little to the imagination as far as how they wanted to fans to interpret it. Brown grabs a headlock to start and Vince is like “I don’t think he actually knows what to do with that hold now.” And sure enough, Patera casually escapes and kicks his ass, then drops a forearm from the middle rope. Vince declares that Patera has ice water in his veins. Yeah, among other substances. It wasn’t ice water that made him attack police and throw a boulder through the window of a McDonalds. Maybe he should have tried the ice water thing as a legal defense? “Your honor, my client could not have been using the alleged substances, because his circulatory system was previously established to be taken up by 99% ice water by volume.” Patera finishes with the swinging full nelson at 5:31 and Charlie Brown wanders off, a loser again, head down. 1 for 4.

Dominic DeNucci v. Johnny Rodz

Rodz floats over into a headlock and they wrestle to the floor off that, but beat the count back in. “Rough and tumble!” declares Vince.

So they do another version of the same spot and fall to the floor on the other side, but DeNucci has had enough of his “rough and tumble” shenanigans and slugs away in the corner. Rodz puts him down with a cheapshot and goes up with a stomp from the middle rope, and it’s time for some choking. Rodz throws some knees and stomps away and DeNucci is barely bothering to sell, and then he just hits an atomic drop and catapults Rodz into the corner for the pin at 6:13. Rodz has been a secret weapon of these shows, but this was pretty bad. 1 for 5.

Vince McMahon again puts Bruno on the spot about Larry Zbyszko’s challenge, and although Bruno never knew that Larry was harboring these feelings of resentment, he still loves Larry like a brother and won’t fight him. Vince thinks that people, not HIM mind you, might accuse Bruno of COWARDICE. That still doesn’t sway him.

Hulk Hogan v. Steve King & Bill Berger

Hulk facelocks Berger like he’s Richard Belzer , but King tries to save and beats on Hogan to no effect. Berger tries a headlock and gets thrown down, and Hulk finishes King with the body vice at 2:25. Vince thinks we’ll be seeing a lot more of this Hogan guy in the weeks to come. 1 for 6.

Next week: GREAT HOSSAIN ARAB v. RENE GOULET! I literally can’t wait.