The SmarK Rant for Juggalo Championshit Wrestling Vol 1 & 2

https://youtu.be/-7CqAwtajKk

If you don’t re review stanglemania I’ll find your house and play ICP records from my car. Then follow you around town with the music blaring while I tell everyone that you have a shaggy 2dope tattoo on your lower back.

I don’t respond well to threats.  However, as a compromise, how about a repost of the first two volumes of Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, featuring future WWE star Chris Hero?  OK then.

The SmarK Rant for Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, Volume One.

– As sent to me by Jason Parker, this is a Smarks-EXCLUSIVE rant. Besides, there’s too many dick jokes and swear words for Wrestleline.

– Your hosts, as it were, are Luscious Johnny Stark, Diamond Donovan Douglas (aka “3D”, played by Violent J) and Handsome Harry Guestello (aka “Guido”, played by Shaggy 2 Dope)

– The Insane Clown Posse, owners of the promotion, cut a promo welcoming everyone to the show and basically promising to take over the wrestling world. They bring out their #1 guy, Evil Dead, who is apparently an actual dead body brought to life for the sole purpose of winning the JCW World title, and NOT, as vicious rumors have insinuated, Violent J’s brother wearing a stupid rubber mask.

– We get some celebrity cameos, including “Slash”, “Hulk Hogan” and “Slim Anus”. The latter is a guy dressed like Eminem, who is soundly booed by the crowd.

– Iron Shiek is interviewed about his match tonight, but the announcers cut in out of boredom and go to the next segment.

– Meanwhile, Abdullah the Butcher beats up two guys before he even gets out of the parking lot and into the building! The ICP are just riffing on wrestling cliches a mile a minute, nothing that he’s cutting one victim open “like a loaf of warm bread”.

– Lucha Libre Style match: The Iron Sheik v. Izzy High. The previously mentioned “Crackpipe on a pole” stipulation is not in evidence, sadly. Izzy is dressed like a high school stoner. Sheik attacks to start, with ICP just verbally destroying the Sheik’s slowed-down attacks and breaking kayfabe with every sentence. I’m DYING listening to this stuff. Sheik chokes him out as “Guido” goes into detail on the bionic knee surgery Sheik had. Izzy fights back, but Sheik doesn’t sell, which is noted by the announcers. Sheik loads up the boot, nails Izzy and slaps on the camel clutch for the win at 2:13. The ICP’s take on the finish: “And now he’s gonna mount him from behind and fuck him like a bitch…oh, wait, it’s the camel clutch, my mistake”. -**

– The ICP do an interview in the back and formally introduce Evil Dead, who appears to be, well, dead. He’ll win the battle royale tonight and become the first JCW champion. Shaggy: “Hey, we own the promotion, need we say more?”

– The Rude Boy is confident about facing Abdullah tonight, mainly because he’s friends with the owners.

– Evil Dead v. The Redneck Devil Without A Cause. Dead staggers against the ropes, but pushes off and DDTs Mr. Cause for the pin at 0:10. That DDT is apparently called the “inverted scabby eggplant”, and the ICP argue about the merits of having the fastest win in JCW history when there’s only been two matches in JCW history. DUD

– King Kong Bundy v. Tom Dub. Dub is about 120 pounds, maybe. The ICP note that Bundy looks like a “giant penis in a broken black condom” and spend the match making dick jokes about Bundy that are WAY more entertaining than the match. Bundy mops the ring with him, avalanche and splash finish at 1:41. Hilarious commentary here saves the match. DUD

– The Rude Boy v. Abdullah the Butcher. Rude Boy is sitting in on commentary through the magic of videotape, and the ICP spend the whole match asking questions and then cutting him off. Abby attacks on the ramp and kicks his ass, then chairs him at ringside and dumps a table on him. Into the ring, the fork gets used extensively and Rude Boy is bleeding all over the place, while ICP point out Abby’s no-selling. Abby drops an elbow as the commentary points out his calling spots on-camera, and another elbow finishes at 4:24. DUD The ref and ring announcer get maimed, too.

– Meanwhile, in a HILARIOIUS backstage segment, the ICP try to talk Bundy in working twice and doing the battle royale. “We’ve only got like 18 guys!” J whines. Bundy demands $5000 extra, which the ICP think is outrageous because it’s their first show and they’re broke. Bundy replies “What the fuck are you talking about, you paid those two $800!” and the camera pans over to find the Rock N Roll Express sitting on a couch and drinking beer with a stupid grin on their faces. I don’t know why, but I was just shitting myself with laughter watching this, and it’s funnier in retrospect because the RnR were a “big surprise” at the end of the show and no one was supposed to know they were in the building.

– Chick Foley v. Angel. Thumbtacks are scattered in the ring. Foley is dressed like Mankind, except she’s a chick. They roll around on the thumbtacks while the ICP piss and moan about how much the match sucks. Angel finishes with an avalanche and legdrop at 2:17. ICP apologize for the bad match, and note “and now that manager chick is gonna turn on Angel, as if anyone watching gives a fuck”. And indeed that’s what happens, and no one gives a fuck. DUD On the upside, you get to see Angel topless in a pre-match vignette. On the downside, you get to see Angel topless in a pre-match vignette.

– Meanwhile, the battle royale booking meeting is adjourned, and everyone leaves looking pissed off, except for Evil Dead, who is the ICP’s unanimous pick to win the thing, being managed by them and all. They speculate that everyone is pissed because Evil Dead is booked to win.

– Battle Royale for the JCW World title: Featuring Suburban Gangsta, Tom Dub, Mr. Meaner, Jaimy Coxxx, Cashflow, Redneck Devil Without a Cause, Truth Martini, Terek the Great, Fat Fuck Barrel Boy, Incidious, Gavin Starr, Mojo, Breyer Wellington, Inferno, Tommy Starr, Patrick, Twiztid and Evil Dead. But wait, the aptly named Some Manager Guy brings out the RnR as a surprise, and we’re underway. 30 seconds later, we’re down to Evil Dead and the RnR. This is the best battle royale EVER! Dead DDTs both Express, and Ricky puts Robert out by mistake and then accidentally falls out to give Evil Dead the win at 2:25. It should come as no surprise, since they’re been saying throughout the entire tape that he would win. Violent J notes that all the other promotions, without corpses as World champions, can lick his balls. Well, that’s nice to know.

– Main event: Violent J & Shaggy 2 Dope v. Doink the Clown & Doink the Clown. The Doinks are Terek the Great and Truth Martini, forced into the outfits in a powerplay by the ICP, a point which was hammered home by them doing a pre-match promo backstage where they bitched about doing the job for ICP just because they were the owners. Big brawl to start, but ICP get double DDTs. J gets a Michinoku Driver on Doink, and a Death Valley Driver. Shaggy comes in with a jackhammer and powerbomb, and J adds his own. Shaggy misses a blind charge, however, and Doink tags Doink. Doink gets a bad senton for one as J talks about what a handsome man he, as in the Violent J on tape standing on the apron, is, and how badly he (Violent J the commentator) would like to fuck him (Violent J on tape), which causes a rather large uncomfortable silence from the other two commentators. J protests that he’s not GAY or anything, but he just couldn’t help but notice what an attractive man J is. Shaggy gets a piledriver and bails, but Doink puts him through a table, and back in he gets two. Doink puts Shaggy through another table, while Doink pulls J off the apron and punks him out. The crowd is RABIDLY cheering on ICP, showing that even total idiots can get heat using the Face In Peril Formula. And I mean that in the nicest way. Back in, Shaggy makes the hot tag to Violent J, who hiptosses Doink and Doink, and then the ICP uses a 3D on Doink for the pin at 7:46. A shockingly watchable match, sexually deviant commentary aside. ** Some Manager Guy leads a heel beatdown on ICP, but Ballz Mahoney saves with a chair. King Kong Bundy turns the tide again, but Raven does a run-in and cleans house, end of show.

The Bottom Line: You know how I’ve sometimes said that a match was good, but you’ll enjoy it more if you turn down the sound? Well, this is the total opposite: Everything sucked, but if you turn the sound UP you’ll enjoy it way more. The ICP are incredibly funny on commentary, turning the entire tape into a hilarious parody of a bad wrestling promotion and all the cliches therein. If you watch without the ironic commentary, you’ll just notice that’s it a bad wrestling promotion with all the cliches therein. And no one wants that.

Strongly recommended for the comedy value, but as a warning: This is NOT for the young and/or easily offended. If a commentator pointing out that the ref is being forced to “munch the pink taco” during the women’s match makes you run to hit the PTC’s number on your speed dial, this isn’t the tape for you. However, if you’re of legal age and a cynical bastard like me, pick it up and laugh your ass off.

The SmarK Rant for Juggalo Championshit Wrestling Volume Two

– Enough negativity for now. Hopefully this’ll lighten the mood a little. Since the first volume was a Smarks exclusive, so shall the second be. Besides, it’s still too filthy for Wrestleline. Thanks as always to Jason Parker for sending this stuff along, and look for StrangleMania II either here or on Wrestleline later this week.

– Your hosts are the ICP, otherwise known as Diamond Donovan Douglas and Handsome Harry Guestello (aka Guido). Johnny Stark seems to have disappeared.

– Celebrities are introduced to start, and the ICP have apparently broken the bank for this show, bringing in Robin Leach, RuPaul and Michael Jackson! Eric Bischoff just wishes he could have generated that kind of star power, even if all of them were just played by JCW jobbers.

– Serious Darius Bagfelt interviews Madman Pondo, who has problems with ICP. Big problems. But don’t worry, the commentators inform us, he’s really friends with them in real life. Whew.

– Tom Dub v. Hornswagglin’ Hillbilly. Hillbilly is announced as being from “Asslick, KY” and appears to be Haystacks Calhoun…after eating King Kong Bundy and Yokozuna. Yikes. Guido very tastefully points out “the ass in front of his pants”. Tom Dub weighs all of 150 pounds, and this one is thankfully over quick via the usual finisher for the grotesequely overweight…THE BIG FAT SPLASH OF DEATH! Only went 0:35, so no point in rating it. ICP’s take: They knew he was gonna win at that point because he was already blown up.

– Backstage, Honkytonk Man talks with some young Juggalos and lets them know that ICP’s music sucks.

– Special “Who The Fuck Are These Guys?” match: Hizaya v. Chris Hero. Hero is doing a Hurricane-ish gimmick, enough so that ICP should probably try suing, just for the hell of it. Hizaya gets some armdrags and dumps Hero, then follows with a tope. Another one, with a twist, follows. Hero clotheslines him and goes up while DDD praises Hizaya’s selling job. Hizaya gets a northern lights suplex for two. Hero rolls the dice for two. The commentary is paying zero attention to the actual match, as J & Shaggy just go off onto whatever tangent about fashion trends and Wal-Mart strikes their fancy. It’s funnier that way, though, trust me. Hero goes up but misses a moonsault. Hizaya gets an X-Factor for two. They expose both guys as playing two of the celebrities from earlier in the show. That makes J’s lavishious comments towards RuPaul a little more…disturbing…somehow. Hizaya finishes with a swanton at 4:26. Does anyone really care about the ratings anyway?

– Out on the mean streets, the ICP pull Evil Dead out of the trunk of their car to prep him for a match against King Kong Bundy that we never get to see.

– Meanwhile, a bunch of disgruntled wrestlers pass some weed around the room. Doesn’t really go anywhere.

– Double table match: Dick Nipple v. BillyBill. Nipple would be playing a lawyer, and BillyBill is the ICP’s personal bodyguard. He powerbombs Nipple through two tables to win in 0:20. Must be some sort of inside joke here.

– Chris Hero has an interview interrupted by Madman Pondo, who punks him out with a roadsign. However, in a brilliantly funny twist, interviewer Serious Darius then nails Pondo right back with the sign for screwing up his interview! See, now that’s the kind of anarchic stuff the WWF could be doing to freshen up the product, without even having to break kayfabe or appeal to smart fans. Just shit like that out of nowhere to break up the cliches thrown at us on every show.

– Fat Fuck Barrel Boy v. Madman Pondo. DDD explains in depth the appeal of Fat Fuck Barrel Boy: “He’s fat, he’s a fuck, he wears a barrel…what’s not to like?” Thumbtacks are scattered in the ring. The match starts and we’re clipped. “Did I mention this match is just highlights?”, Guido casually mentions, “Because it took him 30 minutes to pull out the fucking staple gun, so this way it’s right there.” Honesty in commentary, gotta love it. FFBB starts stapling dollar bills to Pondo’s face, which, it is explained, constitute their pay for that night. AND THAT’S A SHOOT, BRUTHA! Pondo also staples money to FFBB, and gives him a legsweep into the thumbtacks. Pondo gets slammed onto the tacks and FFBB gets a pump splash, but another one misses. Pondo staples FFBB’s nuts (described in 8 different ways by Guido) and they head out to where Pondo dives off a balcony and puts FFBB through a table at 5:23. This was kinda like a New Jack match, with two distinct advantages:

1) The commentary was funnier

2) The table spot didn’t miss.

– Cage match: RudeBoy v. Abdullah The Butcher. Rudeboy again provides commentary, noticeably drunk (and unapologetically so). Abby just beats the hell out of Rudeboy before they even get in the cage. “Why the fuck are you just standing there?!” the commentators demand of him. “Because I’m trying to get to that powder spot we worked out before the match.” Rudeboy calmly answers. Sadly, even that gets fucked up as he drops the powder. Blood is already flowing all over the place as the ICP start grilling Rudeboy about the legitimacy of pro wrestling like John Stossel on Dr. D. They finally get into the cage, where the Butcher carves him up with a fork and Rudeboy bitches about his payoff not covering hospital bills. The ICP respond that his beer tab didn’t cover the payoff, so I guess it’s a draw. Tons of blood. Abby drops an elbow, then ties him up with a rope, hangs him, and walks out to win. Funny, funny commentary.

– ICP music video.

– Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope & Evil Dead v. Big Flame, Neil & Bob. The idea is that the heels are a trio of gays, with Big Flame being in charge and the other two being his presumed bitches. It affords the ICP a chance to use the word “faggot” more times per minute than I thought was humanly possible. In perhaps the first intentional bait and switch in wrestling, they show the introductions for a different six-man from Cleveland (with someone else subbing for Evil Dead) and then explain that “the match sucked” so the actual match shown will switch to one from Australia once it begins. And indeed, that’s what happens. Jay dumps Flame (a big Adrian Adonis type) and Shaggy follows with a plancha. Then Jay tosses the ref onto them in a neat spot. The commentators mock the small crowd. Shaggy beats on Neil. Suplex gets two. Guido & DDD advance the tag team formula by pointing out that the bulk of the match is largeless pointless because “everyone’s just waiting for the hot tag to Jay so he can do all his hiptosses.” Evil Dead comes in and struggles to remain alive. They point out that he doesn’t sell because he’s already dead, “and on top of that, he’s fucking evil…” Dead goes up but gets crotched. Shaggy comes in and gets a fameasser on Bob, and tosses him. Back in, Jay with a DVD and Michinoku Driver, and they blow some sort of neckbreaker. “What the FUCK was that?!” Guido demands. “Um…fuck you!” would be the witty rejoinder in question. Big Flame beats on Jay, however, then Neil cheapshots Shaggy and they work him over. Powerbomb stops a rana. Neil gets a swanton for two. Bob gets a flying elbow for two. Jay fesses up and admits that it’s not Australia, it’s just Maryland. Bob misses a blind charge, and Jay gets the hot tag. HIPTOSS! HIPTOSS! See? Set up the joke, then pay it off. Easy. Samoan drop for Big Flame, and the ICP finish Bob with a horribly misguided 3D at 13:55. Certainly a watchable match.

The Bottom Line: More funny stuff here. Not as funny as the first volume, and in fact much of it is just hateful and racist humor, so buyer beware. But for those who are always whining about the “It’s just entertainment so shut up and enjoy it” aspect of the business, this is the tape for you.

Strongly recommended, but once again I must warn that this is NOT for anyone under 18 or the easily offended.