The SmarK Rant for UWF Blackjack Brawl–09.23.94

The SmarK Rant for UWF Blackjack Brawl 1994 – 09.23.94

(Originally written 05.24.18)

Ask and ye shall receive. The miracle of YouTube.

Air conditioning repair Elkhart, IN

Live from Las Vegas, NV

Your hosts are Carlo Gianelli (?) & John Tolos. No idea who the play by play guy is, but he’s terrible. Also, Blackjack Mulligan is involved here in some form, although what his role is, is unclear.

America’s title: Johnny Ace v. Dangerous Dan Spivey

Johnny has Missy Hyatt as a manager, and quite the gut going at this point. Ace gets a rollup and a bodypress out of the corner, and a dropkick puts Spivey on the floor amongst the throngs of people at ringside. THRONGS I say. Now, I should note that this is for “the Americas title” but it’s never specified who the champion is. Spivey takes a breather and Ace beats on him on the way back in with some kicks. “That would KILL A NORMAL MAN!” declares Tolos. Oh man, this is gonna be one of THOSE shows. Ace with a chinlock and I have no idea who the babyface is supposed to be here. Spivey misses a legdrop as Tolos notes that both guys have guts. Truer words have never been spoken. Every time the lights go up even a little, you can see the rows of empty seats on the hard camera side, because apparently Herb Abrams is too stupid to move everyone over to the camera. Spivey gets a sideslam for two, but misses a blind charge and Ace suplexes him out of the corner and follows with a flying clothesline for two. Belly to belly gets two. “They can smell that belt around their waist!” notes Tolos. Spivey with a DDT for two, but I swear the referee slapped the mat about 5 times for whatever reason. Spivey with a Bossman slam for two as the crowd is dead silent. Legdrop gets two. Spivey puts Ace in some kind of busted-ass abdominal stretch and Missy throws in the towel at 7:14. Tolos declares this to be a double-cross while Spivey threatens to beat up Herb Abrams. Herb flips out for some reason and declares Spivey to be a “dirty cheating swine” or something similar. Just a match, but decent enough outside of the bizarre finish. **1/2

Wildman Jack Armstrong v. Mondo Guerrero

Mondo comes out to, I swear to god, Weird Al Yankovic’s “Taco Grande”. Armstrong looks like a crazy homeless guy at this point in his career. Mondo quickly throws him around and Armstrong bails and stalls. Back in, Mondo works the arm, but they brawl outside and some guy in a suit attacks Mondo. His name or purpose is never commented upon by the announcers, because why would they? Mondo gets a quebrada that the camera completely misses because the show is apparently being directed by a first year film student. Oh, and 4 minutes into the match, we’re informed that this is for the Junior heavyweight title. Just in case anyone cared. Back in, Mondo gets a spinebuster for two, but misses a senton and Armstrong hits an elbow for the pin at 4:38. Armstrong clarifies his strategy after the win: He’s a thinker, not a stinker. I suppose one could be both, if internet memes are to be believed. * Rumor is that Armstrong was working the show because he was Herb’s coke dealer.

Dr. Feelgood v. Sunny Beach

This is a “special television match”, whatever the fuck THAT means. So Dr. Feelgood (Chief Physician from Pain, Iowa) uses “Bad Case of Loving You” by Robert Palmer for his entrance instead of, you know, FUCKING “DR. FEELGOOD”. So Missy Hyatt is managing him after turning heel earlier in the evening. Feelgood works the arm, but Sonny Beach, who is more like Sonny Beached Whale, comes back with a backdrop for two. Feelgood appears to be journeyman jobber Al Burke for those who care. Missy uses a shoe to stop the awesome momentum of Beach, but he comes back with a backslide for two. Beach with a suplex for two and a gut wrench for two. Feelgood comes back with a sloppy DDT. “Another great professional wrestling move by Dr. Feelgood!” declares Tolos. So Feelgood randomly leaves the ring and digs through his first aid bag, actually pouring ether onto a rag on camera. Back in, Beach shoves it back in his face and pins him at 5:25. Yes, he won with an ether-soaked rag, and Jim Cornette wasn’t even booking. ½*

Southern States Championship: Cowboy Bob Orton v. Finland “Hellraiser” Thor

Thor is of course Tony Halme, with one of the worst names I’ve ever heard. Like he couldn’t just be Tony Halme? Also he’s using “Do Ya Know” by Slaughter as his entrance, and that’s a great fucking song so fuck them for ruining that, too. Cowboy Bob is a babyface here, because Herb Abrams is stupid enough to book Cowboy Bob Orton as a babyface. Now, I should note that the show does not establish exactly which Southern States are represented by the eventual champion, but I imagine Florida must be in there at the very least. I would like some clarification, though. What’s the cut-off? Are both North and South Carolina part of the title? THOR pounds away in the corner and follows with a sideslam. Tolos is sure that the title is going to change hands tonight. Is it? Who even is the champion? I feel like that’s a reasonable question to be asked here, at the very least. Thor goes to a chinlock and Orton comes back and gives him some stiff shots in the corner and follows with a dropkick, perhaps in payback for getting beat up earlier. Orton bails and throws a glass of water in his face, and they brawl to a double DQ at 5:30. Tolos finally clarifies that Orton is the Southern States champion at this point. That would have been good information to have DURING THE RING INTRODUCTIONS. Orton’s eye is busted open hardway from Halme’s bullshit punches. Who actually thought that this combination would produce a decent match? *

MIDGET WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Little Tokyo v. The Karate Kid

Let’s talk about the fucking ring announcer for a moment. So for every match, every competitor, his whole deal is to repeat “HOW ABOUT IT?” and “Let’s hear it for him!” and “Let’s rock and roll!” for EVERY GUY, heel or face. Like in the last match, Tony Halme busts Orton open hardway and beats on him with chairs outside the ring, and he’s like “Hey, let’s hear it for THOR! Everyone chant ‘Thor’! HOW ABOUT IT?” Anyway, this is a midget match, exactly the kind of thing to really annoy me, and they do the usual midget comedy before Karate Kid misses a charge and gets pinned at 7:30. I don’t rate midget matches.

REVENGE MATCH: Sampson v. The Irish Assassin

What this is revenge for is never adequately explored, given the UWF didn’t have TV at this point or run house shows or anything. “Let me hear it for the Irish Assassin, folks!” I feel like people don’t need to cheer on “The Irish Assassin” if they don’t want to. Sampson is apparently subbing for Hercules tonight. Both of these guys are the epitome of generic roid freaks, and neither is anyone of note. The announcers let us know that Blackjack Brawl 2 and 3 are coming up in the future, so at least we have some warning. The Assassin gets a horrific attempt at a tilt-a-whirl slam as they PLOD around the ring, but he misses an elbow and Sampson gets a clothesline as both guys look like they need someone to run in with an oxygen mask. Sampson gets a slam and then follows with a suplex for the pin at 3:57. Yes, a SUPLEX. So he gets revenge (with a suplex, mind you) for whoever or whatever it was that wronged him. Good for him. At least someone gets some satisfaction from this show. -***

MGM Grand Championship: Tyler Mane v. “Wild Thing” Stevie Ray

This was blond beach bum Stevie Ray, not the Harlem Heat one. He’s doing a Chris Jericho thing for his entrance and trying to get the crowd to mob him, but I don’t think legally there’s enough people in the building to constitute a “mob”. Mane of course went on to be Sabretooth in the X-Men movies. Ray runs WILD to start (see what I did there?) but Mane works the arm and then misses a kneedrop. Ray goes to work on the knee and the referee forces him to break it up for reasons that I’m not entirely clear about. And then Mane attacks him from behind after faking the knee injury, and gets a backdrop suplex out of the corner. Who booked this crap? Mane gets a chokeslam and chokes Ray down, but misses a kneedrop and the announcers are like “Right on that knee he hurt before!” Um, I thought he was faking the injury? Wasn’t the entire point? Ray makes the comeback, but Mane pulls down the top rope and puts him on the floor. Ray with a sunset flip back in, but Mane grabs the ropes to block it and pins him at 6:30. This was some TERRIBLE refereeing. And then Mane picks a wedgie out of his ass right on camera, which kind of sums up this entire show thus far. *1/2 Fun fact: This was Ray’s final match, as he retired after this, after only 7 years in the sport. Too bad, because he had a similar look to Chris Jericho, as noted. Apparently he’s a motivational speaker now, so good for him.

Women’s title: Candy Divine v. Tina Moretti

The ring announcer somehow mangles it into “Candy Devian”. Ivory is of course the only one showing any energy out here tonight whatsoever, because she’s incapable of not being hyped like Mojo Rawley at all times. They fight on the floor and back in for some spectacularly botched shit, missing simple stuff like a rollup and a crucifix and just looking ridiculously terrible. Candy chokes her out in the corner and gets a slam for the pin at 3:25. No idea what they were going for there, but I’m just assuming they fucked it up. -*

Lumberjack match: Jimmy Snuka v. Cactus Jack

Sadly this YouTube upload omits the Killer Bees v. Power Twins of Pain match that’s supposed to go here. Crazy that Jack was coming off a major push in WCW at this point and was slumming it here. Snuka is using the Hawaii 5-0 theme, because, you know, totally the same thing as Fiji. They trade headlocks while the lumberjacks all stand around at ringside looking like they’re waiting for the $20 payoff so they can hit the poker tables and get the hell out of there. Jack puts Snuka on the floor with a knee to the gut and he gets thrown back in, allowing Jack to pound on him to take over. Jack bails and gets thrown back in, and now Snuka takes over, but Jack clotheslines him over the top with a ludicrously overblown bump and everyone fights at the announce table, by which I mean “stands around in a crowd”. Back in, Herb joins us on commentary while the announcers declare this to be a “great night of professional wrestling” and “incredible action” while Cactus Jack holds Snuka in a chinlock. Snuka fights back, but somehow manages to rebound off Jack while trying a shoulderblock, and takes a bump at a 90 degree angle that sends him flying out of the ring again. So everyone swarms him and tries to get him back in, and the idiot announcer goes “They need to call security to get this under control!” Hopefully they’ll shut down the show while they’re at it. So the lumberjacks ignore the guys while they fight into the ring, and it’s a double countout at 8:55. In a LUMBERJACK MATCH. DUD

UWF World title: Steve Williams v. “Malicious” Sid Vicious

This was actually a battle of two reigning World champions, as Doc was AJPW Triple Crown champion at this point, and Sid was USWA Unified World champion. Sid works a headlock to start and they trade shoulderblocks, but Sid puts him down with a big boot. Tolos notes that this put Williams down “like a barrel of you-know-what”. Actually, I don’t know what. Is that actually a saying? Because I don’t think it is. I’m feeling like this show needs Ron Howard doing narration to clarify this stuff. Doc takes him down with a headlock, but Sid escapes and gets his own. He follows with a chokeslam and stops to soak in the reactions of the 200 people in the building, and goes to a chinlock. Williams fights back with a clothesline out of the corner, but Sid powerslams him for two. Back to the chinlock, but Williams fights out and makes the comeback with a powerslam for one. Corner clothesline and now the ring is apparently bubbling up in the middle and coming apart, and Williams gets a superplex and DoctorBomb for two, but Dan Spivey runs in for the DQ at 11:00. So the Skyscrapers reunite and double-team Williams, but Johnny Ace makes the save. Even the ring gave up on this show by the end. ** Herb Abrams promises a rematch in the STEEL CAGE, but sadly there was never a Blackjack Brawl 2 to pay that off.

The Pulse

This one made Backlash 2018 look like Backlash 2000. If you’re ever wondering just what a wrestling show booked by someone literally high on cocaine at the time would look like, here you go. I don’t think it’s Heroes of Wrestling level bad because most of the guys here were at least in or close to their prime years and could work a match if needed. But as far as trainwrecks go, it’s a big one. If you’re into that sort of masochism, it’s readily available on YouTube.