The SmarK Rant for WWWF All Star Wrestling–01.05.80

The SmarK Rant for WWWF All Star Wrestling – 01.05.80

I dunno, call me a glutton for punishment with these, I guess. I’m jumping ahead a year to the start of 1980, because there’s a lot more recognizable faces and Hulk Hogan is now around.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING EXHIBITION REQUIRES DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION

(What the hell, Vince?)

The Great Hossein Arab v. Tito Santana

Tito was half of the tag champs with Ivan Putski at this point in a real oddball pairing. Sheiky Baby attacks while Tito is signing autographs and chokes him out with the head-dress, then beats him down on the ropes, but Tito comes back with a slam and chokes him right back, because as wrestling teaches us, two wrongs always make a right. Tito works on a headlock in dramatic fashion and takes him down with a hiptoss. Hossein misses a dropkick and Tito gets his own and goes back to the headlock. Vince feels this is sufficient evidence that Tito is able to “mix it up” in singles matches. Given he’s been laying in a headlock for the past 4 minutes, he’s not mixing much up. Finally Hossein dumps him to escape and beats on Tito on the apron and Bruno’s like “Well, Vince, it was pretty much Tito’s fault for hesitating on the criss-cross.” Come on, man, let’s not engage in victim blaming here. Hossein finally gets frustrated by his inability to put Tito away and goes to grab a chair, and that’s a DQ at 6:42. Typically lame finish for the time. 0 for 1.

Ken Patera v. Bill Berger

Berger is just as much of a pasty doughie jobber as you’d expect someone named “Bill Berger” to be. Patera stalls and runs in circles around the ring to show off, then works a headlock for a while and goes to a chinlock while Bruno tells bullshit stories about Patera squatting “900 pounds”. COME ON. Patera with the elbow off the middle rope and he finishes with the swinging full nelson at 5:00. That’s an awesome finisher but it’s gotta be hell on the neck of the victim so I can see why no one’s resurrected it. Nothing to the match. 0 for 2.

The Grand Wizard thinks that Patera’s bad attitude is his best feature, and he’s more proud of Patera than any man he’s ever managed. Patera is pretty sure that if he could get away with it, he’d slap Vince right out of his shoes. Well, only if Vince was a cop and Patera was high as fuck.

Ben Ortiz & Angelo Gomez v. Hulk Hogan

Hulk slaps the jobbers around and slams them, then rams their heads together. Gomez gets tossed (“Throw the other one outside!” quips some smart-ass at ringside) and he hits Ortiz with a backbreaker and suplex for two. He beats on Ortiz with some stiff shots, knees Gomez off the apron for a second time, and dumps Gomez with a shitty gut wrench as the proto-smarks in the audience laugh at the blown spot. He does it again, but this time gets the over the shoulder backbreaker he was intending the first time, and that finishes at 4:57. Hot take: Hulk Hogan kind of sucked in 1980. 0 for 3.

Freddie Blassie is interviewed by Bruno, and Bruno wants to know if Hogan actually has any wrestling skill, because he didn’t show any there. SHOOT COMMENT.

Larry Zbyszko v. Johnny Rodz

Both guys made it into the WWF Hall of Fame, in case you wanted something depressing to consider while reading this. Larry gets a sunset flip for two and Rodz complains about his tights being pulled and then pounds away on the mat to take over. Larry makes the comeback with the abdominal stretch and Rodz escapes with a hiptoss, but goes up and misses a legdrop and Larry gets two. Rodz with a backslide for two. “It’s non stop action with Zbyszko in there!” declares Vince, in a call made by no one else ever. Rodz misses a splash and Larry gets two and then goes to work on the knee and follows with a knee to the back for two. Rodz puts him down with a back elbow and hits some knees to the head, then goes up to the middle rope and drops an elbow on the neck, but misses a second one. Larry collides with him and both guys are down as Vince says “nip and tuck” about a billion times, and Zbyszko comes back with a shoulderblock and falls on top for the pin at 7:30. That looked very messed up, with Larry seemingly trying a Thesz Press and Rodz not going down for it and then Larry just pinning him. Still a very fast-paced and entertaining match, although it was oddly structured in that all of Larry’s offense was based on Rodz missing a big move and Larry going for a cover without hitting his own offensive move. 1 for 4.

Bobby Duncam v. Ron Lee

Lee works a headlock as the crowd chants “We want Patterson”, perhaps led by a young Steve Lombardi. Duncam reverses to a facelock and grinds it in on the mat, then finishes with a sloppy bulldog at 2:30. 1 for 5.

Next week: We will be granted an interview with Larry Zbyszko!

This was at the very least easier to watch than the show from 79 I watched last time. I know it doesn’t get particularly better and I’m not holding out any great hope, but it was an improvement so there’s that.