The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night–04.18.92

The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 04.18.92

(Originally written 04.24.18)

Taped from Center Stage in Atlanta

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Dusty Rhodes. I wonder if he’ll use this opportunity to get himself over and tease a return from retirement?

Scotty Flamingo v. Johnny Rich

Scotty was hanging out with JT Southern at this point, and JT was the evil version of Van Hammer. Because WCW. Scotty dominates on the mat to start and dodges a charge, then works a leg for a bit and pounds him in the corner. He tosses Rich and slugs away back in the ring, but Rich rolls him up for two. Rich with a sunset flip for two because Scotty’s big move is fluffing his hair, and Rich makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner. Scotty puts him down in the corner, but misses a pump splash, and Rich comes back again with a dropkick, but Scotty drops a knee and hits a pair of clotheslines and a piledriver to finish at 6:42. Well that was about as dull and unimpressive of a debut as you could have. *

Meanwhile, Sting wins his second WCW title from Lex Luger at Superbrawl II and sends him packing for the WBF. This brings Sting out for an interview segment, and he’s quite the sight in pink tights and cowboy boots. Dusty wants Sting to take Vader down and rub his “big old ugly nose” in the mat one time, and tell him that’s from Dusty. Yes, Dusty can literally make any match about himself. Sting’s just got one word for everyone: OWWWWW! And then he apologizes to JR for cutting him off and sits back down again to wrap up the segment. This was quite the deal.

Vinnie Vegas v. Chris Sullivan

Vinnie could be World champion someday, notes JR. Yeah, that’ll be the day. He throws Sullivan around a couple of times and tosses him, then cuts a promo on a camera that the director doesn’t use. Back in, sideslam gets two, and Vinnie picks him up and puts him down with a pair of punches, then finishes with the big boot and a lariat and finally Snake Eyes at 3:35. Even Dusty was getting sick of Vegas teasing the finish by the end. The guy made the “roll the dice” gesture before 5 different moves!

And now, the WCW Top Ten!

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10. Terry Taylor

9. Cactus Jack

8. Barry Windham

7. Ron Simmons

6. Larry Zbyszko

5. Dustin Rhodes

4. Steve Austin

3. Big Van Vader

2. Ricky Steamboat

1. Rick Rude

Bobby Eaton & Arn Anderson v. Joe Cruz & Terry Bronson

Bobby actually gets heat on the jobber by telling him that his boot is unlaced and then kicking him in the head. That’s AWESOME. Arn comes in and works the arm and Eaton hits the backbreaker and tosses him for some abuse via AA. Back in, Arn chokes the poor geek down and Bobby fish-hooks the eye because they’re EVIL CHEATING HEELS. Over to Joe Cruz, who is like the Dollarama knockoff version of Magnum TA, and Eaton quickly puts him down with a shot to the jaw and Arn goes after the arm. They beat on Cruz in the corner and this idiot manages to screw up taking a hiptoss from Eaton. Come on, they had like two weeks to edit that out! Arn works the arm and Bobby comes in with a short-arm scissors and then finishes with the Alabama Jam at 8:20. This started as a fun jobber abuse squash and then dragged WAY too long. ½* Like nearly 10 minutes to dispatch these two geeks?

WCW Magazine! With Eric Bischoff!

New match announced for WrestleWar 92: Rick & Scott Steiner facing Tatsumi Fujinami and Iizuka. That’s an incredibly random match for a PPV. Funny how Iizuka spent years doing nothing and then suddenly got over as an insane senior citizen who thinks his hand is made out of iron. Anyway, moving on, Diamond Dallas Page is still feuding with K. Allen Frye for some stupid reason, and he’s still repping Steve Williams & Terry Gordy. Finally, the fan question of the week comes from Kurt Weaver, who wants to know who Sting would like to face next. Sting gives a diplomatic UFC answer and says he’ll take whoever they throw at him. You’ll never get Jon Jones that way!

Meanwhile, Van Hammer beats up the Atlanta Hawks’ mascot at a basketball game, and we get exciting backstage footage of the Freebirds doing a concert and being all wacky. GIRLS IN THE BATHROOM! Dusty completely buries them in sentence: “They were performing their greatest hit. See what I did there?” Good lord this show is brutal at two hours. But hey, we’ve still got a 2/3 falls match between Nikita Koloff and Larry Zbyszko to look forward to!

Marcus Alexander Bagwell & The Z-Man v. Randy Starr & Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker

Jesus Christ, this show is TWO HOURS LONG. Would it kill them to give us something more compelling than 90 minutes of squashes? And this isn’t even leading to anything! Zenk is facing Pillman at the PPV and god knows what Bagwell was doing. The smiling babyfaces double-team Parker with a double dropkick for two and Starr comes in and falls victim to Zenk’s headlocks. Bagwell with a suplex and that sets up a missile dropkick from Zenk to finish at a relatively brisk 4:37, compared to everything else on this boring episode.

Nikita Koloff v. Larry Zbyszko

THANK GOD time for the main event. And here’s a shock: Larry stalls to start. We finally get contact at 2:45 in, with Larry getting a cheapshot before Nikita rolls him up for two and goes to the headlock. Nikita grinds on that for a while, but Larry escapes with a backdrop suplex and a neckbreaker for two. Time for the ABDOMINAL STRETCH, but Koloff hiptosses out of that and goes to a chinlock. Larry escapes and gets some choking, and follows with a piledriver for two. We are FOURTEEN MINUTES into this and the match is literally putting me to sleep. Larry goes for the brainbuster, but Nikita cradles for the first fall at 14:23. TWO MORE FALLS TO COME.

Second fall and Koloff misses a charge, allowing Larry to get two. Dusty’s wisdom of the week: You cannot win lying flat on your back. Royce Gracie would disagree with that. They fight on the floor and Koloff heads back in to make a comeback, or as Dusty calls it, “He done reached way down and pulled out another deck of cards.” I think perhaps he’s confusing his friend with The Gambler. Or maybe Gambit. Larry takes over with whatever and stomps away, but they clothesline each other while I amuse myself by reading early reviews of The Avengers. Meanwhile, Larry goes to the chinlock as I was betting earlier in the day that food poisoning would be the most unpleasant thing to happen to me today, but here we are. So this goes on for SIX MINUTES, no shit. Finally Koloff escapes and makes the comeback, but he stupidly runs in from of Paul E while trying the Sickle and gets tripped up. Larry tries his own clothesline, but misses, and the Sickle finishes him in two straight falls at 26:15. Given how much people have been begging me to review this show, it seriously needs to get less boring in a hurry, because it SUCKS thus far. **

Meanwhile, Paul E. yells at Larry backstage to end the show.

Next week: Steve Austin defends the TV title against Barry Windham in the main event! That should at least be a hell of a match.