The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–03.07.94 / 03.21.94 / 03.28.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.07.94

So after a bunch of older reposts, the Network has finally caught up to my archives, so we rejoin the WWF in March of 1994. To prove it’s current again I’ll be sure to make lots of jokes about the Sharks choking and NBA owners hating black people. Also, in a totally random note, I have been using a stopwatch app on my iPhone for months, only to discover that IOS 7 has one BUILT IN. Mind blown. (OK, now we’re going down the rabbit hole a bit, with reposts from 2014 when the WWE Network was launching, so I’m rapidly going to catch up to the present time at this rate. Also, for those who enjoy minutia about my real life, I’m a certified Apple tech, so I spend a pretty huge chunk of my daily life dealing with iPhone servicing and it’s weaned me off ever wanting one ever again. I’ve had various combinations of Samsung, OnePlus and currently a Pixel since ditching the iPhone 4 years ago. Android 4 Life!)

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Ted Dibiase. That was always a decent combination. Right behind them in the front row is what can only be the FIRST EVER “RSPW” sign to make TV.

The Smoking Gunns v. Owen Hart & Crush

Ted Dibiase questions what Crush and Owen could possibly have in common, and Vince notes that both turned on their friends. Of course they share a sadder commonality now. Crush no-sells the Gunns’ offense in the babyface corner and beats on Billy, but the crowd chants “USA” to show their support. Crush is from HAWAII. That’s his whole deal! Wrestling fans really are stupid. Owen comes in with a leg lariat on Billy and drops a leg, and the heels work Billy over in a dull heat segment. The crowd wants Bret. Maybe they should appreciate Owen more while he’s around. We take a break and return with Bart getting the hot tag and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, as Crush clips Bart and Owen finishes with the Sharpshooter at 11:00. Pretty good heat for a meaningless tag match in the fourth week of a taping cycle. **1/2

WRESTLEMANIA UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTINGILL! You know, you might think of great wrestling when you think of Wrestlemania, but you are WRONG to do so, because you should also think of the celebrities, like Donnie Wahlberg and Burt Reynolds. Sorry, Todd, I blame myself.

Virgil v. Jeff Jarrett

Ted Dibiase’s bias is kind of obvious on commentary here. Virgil controls with a hammerlock and Vince has been HANDED A NOTE. Really, he’s got a headset and someone is coming out and giving him notes about the special guest timekeeper at Wrestlemania? Why not wait until the commercial break? Vince and Dibiase argue over the pronunciation of George Stephanopoulos while Virgil is still working on the arm and Vince is all “HE’S A HOUSE OF FIRE!” That’s one deadly armbar. Virgil slugs away and Vince is all about the FISTICUFFS and MIXIN’ IT UP, but JJ hits a DDT to finish out of nowhere at 4:43. I’ve also been handed a note: This match sucked. ½*

Doink the Clown v. Iron Mike Sharpe

I do believe this is the last appearance of the original Doink costume before Ray Apollo switched to the later design. Sharpe manages to evade the clown, but makes the classic heel error of pointing to his own head to indicate his intelligence. I think the San Jose Sharks did that after game 3, and look what happened to them! Doink tosses him and quickly finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 2:15. DUD

Tatanka joins us to receive a special headdress from Chief Jay Strongbow and Wahoo McDaniel, plus an actual Chief. I have to say, having Strongbow take part in something like this is pretty hinky. At least Tatanka is actually Native American. Anyway, he gives a boring speech about his ancestors and then Vince cut him from the PPV two weeks later. Not such a lucky headdress.

IRS v. Mark Thomas

Vince and Ted are all “Let’s see what’s in the news this week” to show how totally not taped this show is. Thomas looks like one of the members of High Voltage in terms of build. Irwin slowly pounds away and gets his usual abdominal stretch, and Vince points out the scathing irony of IRS accusing people of tax cheating while HE HIMSELF cheats. That’s deep, man. That’s like hating black people while making millions off a team of black basketball players. IRS finishes with something while I’m making that observation at 3:39. I could rewind but that would imply that I care. ½*

Jim Cornette has words for Lex Luger in advance of the March to Wrestlemania Special next Sunday.

Next Week: Nothing announced, unless the Network is showing the March to Wrestlemania special, which I somehow doubt.

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.20.94

They are adding new episodes like CRAZY now. AWESOME. Apparently the dude who was in charge of programming the Network got canned last week, which is why we’re suddenly getting flooded with new content.

Live from Poughkeepsie, NY, one day after Wrestlemania X.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage.

The Quebecers v. The Bushwackers

I didn’t even realize they were still around at this point. The Quebecers were of course the tag champions but this was specifically non-title. Big brawl to start and the Quebecers bail, and back in for some “comedy” spots. Johnny Polo gets involved and gets nailed by Jacques by mistake and Luke gets two. This is just HORRIBLE. Finally they get it together and Jacques gets double-teamed in the Kiwi corner with some super-basic stuff. Pierre also gets dominated and we take a break. Back with Luke playing ugmo-in-peril, as Jacques slams Pierre onto him for two. Man, Pierre Ouelette looks like a high school senior here compared to how grizzled he got even in 95. More dull double-teaming as Luke is just totally unable to work any kind of normal pace, but he makes the hot tag to Butch. Battering Ram for Jacques puts him on the floor, but Polo nails Butch behind the ref’s back and Pierre finishes with a running knee to the back at 13:22. What a trainwreck. It was like they were trying to work a normal tag match, but the Bushwackers are so awful that it ended up 10 times worse than their usual goofy comedy match would have been. DUD Afterwards, Captain Lou returns and challenges them to a tag title match against a team of his choosing. This would end up badly for the champions.

Next Monday, watch the special encore of Wrestlemania! You mean we can’t just watch it on the Network the day after?

Meanwhile, IRS presents his list of reasons why people are tax cheats.

Tatanka v. Chris Hammrick

Hey, that jobber ended up in ECW a few years after this, didn’t he? “Hard Cash” Hammrick or something like that? He was pretty decent there, too. Tatanka with a backdrop and chops, and Hammrick charges and takes a bad bump to the floor. No wonder he ended up in ECW. Back in the ring, Tatanka with a delayed suplex and he works the arm, going really stiff on the poor guy for some reason. Tatanka with a pair of chops and the PAPOOSE TO GO to finish at 4:41. This was pretty lengthy for a squash.

Diesel v. Some Guy

Diesel is starting to get some steam behind him with the fans, who chant his name while he beats on the jobber. Usual Nash squash, Snake Eyes, big boot, powerbomb at 2:25. Now that was a squash.

Bret Hart is out with his new belt to issue a challenge to all comers, including his brother.

Jeff Jarrett v. Koko B. Ware

Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware, don’t forget. And Randy Savage still isn’t. (Well at least now he is.) Vince is AGHAST at people disparaging the reputation of Burt Reynolds in the tabloids, which is kind of hilarious given they just showed a clip of Burt at Wrestlemania so drunk off his ass that he’d probably explode near an open flame. Speaking of explosions, the combined ugliness of JJ’s outfit and Koko’s outfit threaten to shatter the phosphors in my TV. Thank god Savage isn’t on screen right now or I’d void my warranty. Koko briefly controls but misses a charge and Jarrett chokes him out. Closeups show Koko looking ROUGH at this point. Drugs are bad, Koko. Jarrett controls with a clothesline out of the corner, but misses a flying fistdrop and Koko makes the comeback. Vince declares that this is “Bowling for Dollars on Monday Night RAW”. I’m gonna let that one slide this time but I’m not tolerating any references stupider than that. Jarrett finishes anyway with a DDT at 5:05. ** Jarrett gets in Savage’s face and Randy is pumping his fists at him like a cartoon superhero, and that would actually be an interesting match if it happens in the next couple of weeks. And then they brawl in the ring, giving us all three neon outfits at the same time…and that’s it for my TV. My poor cat nearly gets mauled by flying shrapnel from the screen shattering due to stress. RIP.

Next week: 1-2-3 Kid, Owen Hart, and Lex Luger v. Rick Martel in the battle of narcissists!

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 03.28.94

I don’t know why their dating scheme is constantly a day off, but it’s really annoying. The title has this one listed as March 27, but that would be a Sunday.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & JIM CORNETTE. This could be awesome.

Earlier tonight, Ted Dibiase buys up ringside seats from fans. Given the state of the business at that point, he could have done that from his pocket change.

Rick Martel v. Lex Luger

Martel tries for the face punch to start but gets chased off and hiptossed out of the corner. Luger throws clotheslines like a developmental babyface making a comeback in NXT, and he goes to a headlock to retain control. Vince specifically notes that Luger is a “house of fire”, so there you go, grammar Nazis. It’s not “house afire”. Martel bails to the apron and Luger yanks him back in for that headlock again, and an atomic drop to put Martel on the floor as we take a break. Back with FISTICUFFS on the outside, and Luger walks right into a choke back in the ring. Clothesline out of the corner gets two. The crowd chants “USA” but at least Martel is from Quebec so it’s valid. Martel cuts off a comeback with a knee to the gut and goes back to the choking and chinlocking. Luger with a backslide for two. Suplex and Luger makes the comeback, as Martel makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate his intelligence. It’s like the wrestling heel version of monologing! Powerslam and Torture Rack finish at 15:47. This was Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. **3/4

Owen Hart v. Random Jobber

We get a weird POV shot from Dibiase’s seat, as he cuts a promo that is clearly redubbed in post afterwards. This would be the start of the Corporation, of course. This dude with the pasty skin, mullet and ugly tights might be the jobbiest jobber who ever jobbed. Owen tosses the dude around while Jim and Vince do their “what’s in the news this week” segment. Owen with a back elbow and he cuts off the jobber’s pathetic comeback attempt and puts him down with a bulldog and Sharpshooter to finish at 5:10. Most of this was stalling while Dibiase and Vince did their bit at ringside.

Doink the Clown v. Eric Cody

Doink controls the guy with an armbar, giving us some midget-related comedy off that, and he pounds him down and finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 3:30.

The Quebecers are out to answer Captain Lou’s challenge, and his team is revealed as the Headshrinkers in a bizarre babyface turn for them.

The 1-2-3 Kid v. The Black Phantom

Oh wow, X-Pac v. Gangrel four years early. Given his look and connections I’m really not sure why Dave Heath didn’t get a contract much sooner. Kid controls with a hammerlock, but Mr. Phantom overpowers him until Kid comes back with a spinkick. Dropkick misses, but a second spinkick gets two. Moonsault press finishes at 2:24.

I failed to note the WWF Greetings on Call commercial on last week’s show, and I feel like I let everyone down, because who wouldn’t want to get a personal greeting from a drunk Razor Ramon at 3AM?

Crush v. Ray Hudson

Crush pummels the jobber with elbows and a superkick and pounds away on the mat. Press slam and a kneedrop finish at 3:25.

Nothing to see here this week.

Next week: Earthquake v. Adam Bomb and the Wrestlemania X 10-man that got bumped from the PPV!