The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2011 – 11.20.11

The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2011 – 11.20.11

My wife and her friends are having a girls’ night in our house, so I was like “Fuck it, let’s go watch CM Punk.” Plus I’ve never actually watched this show before, despite it coming right at the time when I was getting back into reviewing of wrestling again!

Live from Madison Cube Garden. One awesome thing about these Network versions of the PPVs – they cut out ALL the commercials and sponsorship breaks. What a difference it makes in the flow of the show.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker T

Big Johnny joins us to start, reminding us that it’s his 10^th anniversary with WWE.

US title: Dolph Ziggler v. John Morrison

Kind of weird how they just recycled “I Am Perfection” into “Here to Show Off” or whatever his current theme is called. It’s like literally the same song but with different lyrics. Morrison chases Ziggler out of the ring while the crowd basically turns on the match immediately and chants for Zack Ryder. It was indeed really weird how Ryder was getting hot at this point and they completely dogged him out and put Morrison in the spot instead, literally his last PPV match in the company. Ziggler works a headlock while the crowd gets more angry, since the common guess was that they’d do some kind of swap to get Morrison out of the match at the last minute and give Ryder the shot. Morrison comes back and dumps Ziggler with a clothesline and follows with a corkscrew dive, but the crowd boos him as well because he’s Batista to Zack Ryder’s Daniel Bryan. Back in, Ziggler catches him with a neckbreaker for two and gets the heat. Really, the only one drawing heat in this match is Ryder. Ziggler works a headlock in dull fashion with both guys really distracted by the crowd, but Morrison blocks the Zig Zag and makes a comeback, which also gets booed out of the building. Ziggler reverses a tilt a whirl into a sleeper, but Morrison gets his own and then turns it into a DDT for two. Vickie gets involved and gets sent back to the dressing room as a result, and Morrison gets a small package for two. Crucifix gets two. Flying kick misses and Dolph hits the fameasser for two. Zig Zag is blocked and John gets the shining wizard and Starship Pain, but Dolph moves and hits the Zig Zag for the pin to retain at 10:32. Kind of a weird match, as they fought against the crowd for the first few minutes and then finally just ignored them and did their match. *** And then Zack runs out and attacks, drawing a big pop.

WWE Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Eve Torres

This is a “lumberjills” match, and I literally don’t even recognize a bunch of the girls in the match. Maxine? Apparently Beth and Natalya are part of a thing where they’re rebelling against the “models” of WWE because they don’t look like models. In what universe? The WWE one, I guess. Eve twerks right away and tosses Phoenix, but gets choked down and catapulted under the ropes for two. Beth goes to a chinlock and works her over, but Eve takes her into the corner with a bodyscissors. Senton hits knee and Beth goes for the Glam Slam, but Eve turns it into a triangle choke. Nattie helps to break it up, and Beth rolls her up for two, but Eve goes up top. Beth follows her up with a Glam Slam from the top, and that’s all at 4:33. This was not exactly a banner time for the women’s division, but Eve Torres was trying some interesting stuff and seemed to at least be willing to learn. She got much better after the heel turn, as I recall. Unfortunately this match was pretty clumsy most of the time, with a great finisher. *1/2

Meanwhile, David Otunga brings legal FIRE against CM Punk on behalf of Big Johnny.

Meanwhile, The Rock cuts a lengthy promo about his match tonight and how John Cena has lady parts, then sings a song because apparently someone just gave him 15 minutes of PPV time to go out and do whatever the fuck he wants. I don’t think he ever got “Boots to asses” over like he wanted, but bless him for trying something new.

Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, Hunico and Cody Rhodes v. Sheamus, Sin Cara, Kofi Kingston, Mason Ryan and Randy Orton

Holy crap what a collection of jobbers and geeks this is. Hunico? Mason Ryan? It’s like the graveyard of failed pushes. Ziggler is working twice due to injury to Christian, which is…weird. I mean, the roster wasn’t THAT thin, was it? Ziggler gets a dropkick on Kofi for two, but Kofi brings in Orton and it’s RKO OUTTA NOWHERE at 1:30. The heels regroup outside and Wade delivers the BAD NEWS about being down a man, but Orton attacks them and the brawl is on. Kofi and Sin Cara hit dives outside while Mason Ryan stands there posing and trying to look tough and failing to do either properly. Meanwhile, Sin Cara gets injured on the dive, so take a drink, and he’s eliminated at 3:42. Replay shows him completely failing to clear the top rope. HE HAD ONE JOB. Like, they literally hired him to sell masks and jump over the top rope multiple times per match. So everyone regroups and Cody gets worked over by the faces, including Mason “Wish I was Batista” Ryan. Hunico comes in and gets beat up by the babyfaces, but Kofi tries a leapfrog in the corner and knocks himself out on the post. So weird that the announcers talk about how Hunico was the fake Sin Cara and then got unmasked, and then he went on to become the actual Sin Cara again a year or so later and everyone just acts like it’s the same guy now. Mason throws Hunico around like a child, but Cody tags in and finishes Ryan with the Disaster Kick and Crossroads at 8:51. To a HUGE ovation, I should add. Sheamus comes in and beats Cody down, and Booker clarifies that “What this is called is a beatdown.” Professional announcer, ladies and gentlemen. Sheamus does the forearms on the apron while the announcers are still trying to make “Great White” a thing. Maybe because his flaming red hair reminds people of…sorry, too soon. Barrett yanks him off the apron and works him over on the floor, and that gets two. Kofi gets a hot tag and hits a flying clothesline on Wade to set up the Boom Drop, and a rollup gets two. Kofi runs wild on the heels, but walks into a big boot on the ropes and takes an impressive clown bump to set up the Wasteland at 14:03. Orton charges in on Barrett and tries the draping DDT, but Wade dumps him and Hunico comes in with a dive. Back in, that gets two. Team Barrett works Orton over and Cody looks like he’s trying to get hardway juice by headbutting Orton for some reason. They have a lengthy discussion while in a chinlock, but Orton blocks a bulldog. Sheamus comes in and beats on Swagger with the flying shoulderblock, but Barrett breaks up the Razor’s Edge. So Sheamus drops knees on Swagger in the corner until we get the lamest DQ reason of all time: Kicking too much ass, at 18:48. So Orton is alone with 4 guys, aka the Tammy Sytch formula. Sheamus hits Swagger with a Brogue Kick on the way out, and Orton pins him at 19:40. Michael Cole switching between cheering for the babyfaces and then being a jerk heel is really irritating. No wonder no one trusts the announcers. Cody stomps on Orton in the corner, but Randy makes the comeback with the DDT and then hits Hunico with an RKO at 21:36. RKO for Rhodes, but he walks into the Wasteland at 22:07 and Barrett and Cody are YOUR sole survivors. Obviously they wanted to protect Sheamus because of where he was ending up at Royal Rumble and beyond, but the rest of this was pretty lame and pedestrian stuff. **1/2

Meanwhile, Big Johnny is concerned that Alberto Del Rio isn’t taking CM Punk as seriously as he needs to.

World heavyweight title: Mark Henry v. Big Show

The ring has been reinforced for this one, to prevent any further implosions. Well that’s reassuring. Man, remember Mark Henry: World Champion? What a weird time that was. Show and Henry trade power to start and Henry bails while the crowd is completely distracted with chants for whatever they’re on about. Show uses an ARMDRAG and Henry bails again as this is taking forever to get going. So Henry stalls and hides in the ropes, and then finally clips the knee to take over and goes to work. This is REALLY dull stuff, and Show escapes with a DDT for two. They slug it out while the crowd chants for Daniel Bryan, and Show wants the chokeslam, but Henry catches him with the World’s Strongest Slam for two. Big splash gets two. Elbow gets two. They head to the floor and Henry tackles him through the barricade in the spot that NEVER doesn’t get over. Show beats the count at 9, but Henry tries a suplex back into the ring and Show fights him off and makes the comeback. Show superkicks him and goes to the top in an ill-advised strategy, but manages to hit a flying elbow after spending 5 minutes steadying himself. That gets two. I’m assuming that was the tribute to the Macho Man. And then Henry just kicks him in the nuts for the DQ at 13:09. That ended up better than expected, especially given the slow start and disinterested crowd. *** Show knocks him out afterwards and the crowd loses their mind waiting for Daniel Bryan to cash in, but they’re just as disappointed as they were for Zack Ryder’s title shot.

Meanwhile, R-Truth gives a wacky interview about yelling at pigeons in the park while Miz acts like a tough guy. What a strange time this was.

WWF title: Alberto Del Rio v. CM Punk

In order to counteract Del Rio’s ring announcer, Punk brings out his own…Howard Finkel! Finkel gets a huge reaction from the crowd and he’s actually in tears, so the announcers make fun of him. What a company. Frankly I’m shocked they haven’t lost the rights to “Cult of Personality” yet. The crowd wants ice cream bars to start and Punk works a headlock and then goes to the arm. Punk goes for the Vice early and Del Rio bails. Back in, Punk stomps him down in the corner and Del Rio bails again. Back in, Punk goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Punk goes after Ricardo and walks into a baseball slide as a result, and Del Rio goes to work on the arm outside. Back in, a double axehandle gets two. Punk tries the GTS, but Del Rio counters into an armbar takedown for two and goes to work on it. ADR with a backbreaker for two, and goes up with another axehandle for two. This match is taking FOREVER to get going. Del Rio charges and splats on the floor, and then heads back in and walks into a high kick. Punk makes the comeback with a neckbreaker for two. Knee in the corner sets up the bulldog for two. Springboard clothesline gets two. Punk sets up for the GTS, but Del Rio blocks with the backstabber for two. Punk with a rollup for two. Blind charge misses and Del Rio hits the step up enzuigiri for two. ADR with an armbreaker for two. They head up top and Punk fights him off, but Del Rio crotches him and adds more punishment to the arm. Blind charge misses and now Punk gets his Savage tribute with the elbow for two. Del Rio escapes the GTS and reverses into the cross armbreaker, but Punk makes the ropes. Another try, but Punk boots Ricardo off the apron and Del Rio rolls him up for two with the tights. Punk with a high kick for two. Anaconda Vice and Del Rio rips at the face to fight it, but taps out at 17:15 and CM Punk is WWE champion again. Hopefully he gets more of a run with the belt than he did at Summerslam. Slow start, but they built the drama pretty well and the final near-falls were really hot. ***1/2 I’m a little disappointed that Finkel’s last ever “AND NEWWWWWWW” call was downplayed so much, though.

Alleged Main Event: John Cena & The Rock v. Miz & R-Truth

No, seriously. And then they wondered why this show bombed so badly that they nearly eliminated the Survivor Series name in 2012. Like who seriously thought it was a good idea to put Rock in the ring with Cena BEFORE Wrestlemania? Also, Miz and R-Truth were supposed to be the most dangerous heels on the roster. Like, so dangerous that they built an episode of RAW around the roster staging a sit-in due to how terrified they were of the Awesome Truth.

I’ll pause while you compose yourself and clean the drink you spit on the screen due to laughter.

Rock works a headlock on the Miz and throws some armdrags, and a rollup gets two. Miz runs away to regroup. Truth wants the Rock and he works the arm, but Rock casually slugs him down and gets a fisherman’s suplex while Cena inadvertently distracts the ref. The Rock almost pinned R-Truth! How might the wrestling world have changed. People today might think of Truth as a joke or something. Back to the Miz, and he looks like he went swimming in a pool of orange spray tan tonight, so it’s over to Cena with a half-hearted tag from Rock. Why again were Rock and Cena even teaming up, in storyline? Cena controls with a monkey flip and dropkick. Truth comes in and gets destroyed, as the faces are just treating this like a complete cakewalk, spending more time trying to showboat for each other. I guess that’s a KIND of storyline. Miz and Truth get the heat on Cena and Miz boots him down for two before Truth hits the chinlock. Miz with a short DDT for two. Corner clothesline gets two. Double suplex on Cena gets two. They cut off the ring and we get a super-dull heat segment on Cena as no one in the arena buys that the heels have any chance here. Truth goes up with a bodypress, but Cena rolls through, and Truth reverses to a front suplex for two. Cena catches Miz with the STF and hits Truth with an AA, but Miz chinlocks him while Truth knocks Rock off the apron. The heels flapjack Cena for two and Truth goes back to the chinlock again. Finally it’s hot tag Rock and he gets the Scorpion King Deathlock on Miz, but Truth saves and Cena tackles Truth to the floor. Miz pounds him down, but walks into the spinebuster and the People’s Elbow finishes Miz like a complete geek at 21:44. This was a complete bore and it destroyed Truth as a main event guy forever, literally failing at everything they were trying to accomplish with it. **1/4 Fans wanted to see the Rock and they got 18 minutes of John Cena selling for the Miz.

The Pulse

The Punk title win was a really good match, but the rest was a completely forgettable and unremarkable bore. Recommendation to avoid.