The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW 12.20.93 / 12.27.93 / 01.03.94

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – December 20 1993

– Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY.

– Your hosts are Vince & Shawn Michaels. I guess they’re doing a rotating host deal until they can find a permanent color commentator. That combination would rule today, actually.

Jeff Jarrett v. PJ Walker

Rather than his familiar electric cowboy look, JJ is going with an all-white toilet-paper look for some reason. Jarrett grabs a headlock and does some strutting, but PJ hiptosses out of another try. And Jarrett’s outfit is so incredibly gay that it actually crashes the episode and I have to reload it and try again. Fringed tights are a danger to everyone. Walker gets control with armdrags, but Jarrett struts to evade him and clobbers him from behind to take over. “Right out of the page of Diesel!” declares Vince. Yes, it’s already VINTAGE DIESEL in the WWF. Jarrett misses a flying fistdrop, but finishes with a sloppy DDT at 3:32 anyway.

Men on a Mission v. DUANE GILL & BARRY HARDY

Vince declares this is a “special Santa rap” from Oscar, and yet it sounds exactly the same as the garbled nonsense he spouts every other time. And I’m not even saying this as a typical white guy who doesn’t get or like rap music in general, but he’s just totally unintelligible by any measuring stick. For those keeping track, Gill & Hardy as a team are more Jobbers I Care About. Mo overpowers Gill with a wristlock to start and it’s over to Mabel. The Lords of Pain try to double-team him, but he puts them both down with a clothesline and slams Gill onto Hardy. Vince’s topical conversation to prove the show is “live”: Some guy who ate an entire pig in Argentina and died. The mind of Vince is a scary, scary place sometimes. Mabel sits on Hardy and Mo works on the arm, and Mabel sits on him again to finish at 4:32.

Ludvig Borga v. Tatanka

My review of UFC 13, featuring Randy Couture destroying Ludvig Borga in both of their MMA debuts, will be up shortly on Heavy.com. You’ll be happy to know Borga wasn’t any better as a legitimate athlete than he was in the WWF. Tatanka chops away to start and pounds him in the corner, sending Borga to the floor. Borga meets the post and they back into the ring, where Tatanka continues his aggression and chops him down again, followed by an elbowdrop and flying bodypress for two. Borga catches him with a cheapshot, however, and pounds away to take over. Tatanka, however, no-sells it and gets pissed off, only to walk into a powerslam. Borga misses an elbowdrop and Tatanka is still angry, hitting him with clotheslines, but Yokozuna wanders out. Tatanka with a powerslam and he goes up, but once again Fuji’s flag gets involved for the DQ at 4:40. Yoko comes in for the beatdown, but Tatanka fights him off. Lex Luger adds a slam to Yoko to justify his paycheque for the year and the heels get the hell out of there. Nice to see Luger being proactive for once.

Adam Bomb v. Mark Thomas

Lou Albano is scouting here for some reason. Bomb powers Thomas down and adds a backdrop suplex, while Vince mocks the jobber’s purple tights. Atom Smasher finishes at 1:42, while Vince and Shawn discuss scalping of Barney tickets.

Meanwhile, at the race track, we meet Thurman Plugg. His friends call him SPARKY! Oh, the 90s. Bob Holly is never gonna live that one down.

Meanwhile, Owen Hart throws out a challenge to Bret on Superstars, but Bret responds that he’ll never fight his brother under any circumstances.

Owen Hart v. Mike Bell

Owen works on the arm and does his hiptoss escape, then adds a snap suplex and an elbow off the middle rope. Gutwrench and forearms send Bell into the corner, but he comes back with a corner clothesline. Knee to the gut and elbow gets two for Bell. Owen puts him down again with a suplex and follows with a belly to belly out of the corner, and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 3:10.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is building the dreaded double-wide, double-deep casket for Yokozuna.

The Headshrinkers v. Phil Apollo & Jerry Seavey

Samu attacks both jobbers by himself and suplexes Seavey, and it’s over to Fatu for some chops in the corner. Samu chokes him out and puts him down with a superkick and they finish with the double legsweep and flying Fatu splash at 2:51.

Next week: Lex Luger! Razor Ramon! Johnny Polo v. Marty Jannetty! Alundra Blayze v. Heidi Lee Morgan to crown a new Women’s champion!

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – December 27 1993

– Taped yet again from Poughkeepsie, NY. Was there something going on that week that they couldn’t go live again?

– Your hosts are Vince, Jacques & Pierre. The gag being that Pierre speaks English about as well as George St. Pierre does. But he at least has more than one suit.

Lex Luger v. Barry Horowitz

Lex works the arm while Jacques questions why Luger has to oil his body up all the time. Yeah, good question! Lex whips Barry into the corner for two, but the Stooges Eyepoke turns the tide and he follows with a jawbreaker. Luger slugs back, but Barry gives him a Nash choke in the corner and pounds away. He tries a blind charge to put Luger away, but makes the fatal error of literally patting himself on the back first and gets clotheslined. That’s pretty deep. Luger finishes with a powerslam and superplex at 4:22.

Johnny Polo v. Marty Jannetty

Polo hiptosses out of a headlock to start, then takes Marty down with an armdrag and celebrates well out of proportion to his accomplishment. Marty whips him into the corner, but Polo hops to the apron and celebrates again, and this time Marty hauls him back in for an atomic drop into a backdrop suplex. That gets two. Marty works the arm now, but misses a bodypress and splats on the floor. Polo follows him with a suicide dive (“Polo fever…CATCH IT!”), but Marty slingshots back in with a bodypress for two. Polo hits the chinlock, but they criss-cross and collide and both are out. Marty recovers first and sends Polo into the corner, then hits a back elbow and faceplants him. He goes up and Polo crotches him, but Marty recovers with a high cross for two. Polo charges and Marty rolls him up for two. Marty dropkicks him to the floor, but Pierre abrogates his responsibility as a color man and goes to help Polo, but eats a baseball slide. Marty goes for a dive on Polo, but Pierre trips him up. Polo tries to attack and gets superkicked, so Pierre pulls Polo out of the ring. Marty hits Pierre with a dive and tries a sunset flip on Polo, but Pierre grabs the hands and Polo gets the cheap win at 8:22. That was rather overbooked for a match between a manager and a tag wrestler, but it’s the third week of tapings so you take what you can get. They were trying hard but the crowd just wasn’t buying Polo as a threat. **3/4

Doink the Clown v. Spike Gray

Doink is now noticeably taller than before, and finishes Gray with a bridged german suplex at 1:01 after Dink distracts him. It’s probably Steve Lombardi at this point while they search for a new guy to play the clown.

Crush v. Mike Moraldo

Crush uses his EVIL MARTIAL ARTS to put Moraldo down, then presses him and pounds away. More martial artistry and he uses kind of a Bossman slam/chokeslam thing and finishes with what appears to be an Iron Claw at 2:24. That was the least scariest claw I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Kerry Von Erich wrestling drunker than Courtney Love.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is making a casket for Yokozuna as a Christmas present. I’d hate to get Undertaker for Secret Santa.

Razor Ramon v. Derek Domino

Hell of a name on the jobber. Jacques goes for the pizza jokes rather than the Clapton jokes, but either would work. Domino slugs away in the corner and does pretty well at it until Ramon gets angry and fires back, then hiptosses him across the ring. Blockbuster suplex and Ramon slaps him around on the mat to kill time. Abdominal stretch while Vince shills a Mike Tyson bio-pic on USA, a classy affair no doubt. And this was 1993, before much of the REALLY skeevy stuff had even happened to Tyson! Razor’s Edge finishes at 3:50. Jacques resolution for Pierre in 1994: Teach him how to speak English. I think he’s still working on that one.

Next week: The Smoking Gunns v. Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger! Guess that means it’s week FOUR of this crappy taping. Plus Jeff Jarrett and Yokozuna. Was there a bunch of stuff cut out of this episode? Because it was only 33 minutes long as opposed to the full 45.

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – January 3 1994

– Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY, for the fourth week in a row. Now I’ve been to some brutal TV tapings in my time, so I can imagine how bored and burned-out the poor crowd would have been by the 18^th hour of programming.

– Your hosts are Vince & Johnny Polo. Now THERE’S the money combo.

– So before the credits, we go back to Wrestling Challenge, where we learn that Yokozuna has a phobia of caskets. Sure, that’s a great way to promote the match. Not that both guys are threats who hate each other, but that one guy is afraid of caskets. Funny watching Stan Lane as a straight man interviewer and pretending to have no connection to Jim Cornette.

Yokozuna v. Dan Dubiel

Yoko pounds the jobber down while Polo is already cracking me up. I much prefer Scott Levy in his manic, rather than depressive, cycle. Yoko with a legdrop, belly to belly, and buttdrop to finish at 3:39. And he slipped and put a LOT of weight on poor Dubiel, as you can see him asking “Are you OK?” and Dubiel answering in the affirmative. Luckily Yoko stayed in character otherwise.

Lex Luger v. Jacques Rougeau

Joined in progress from Superstars with both guys, and the ref, unconscious. Pierre switches places and gets two, but Luger recovers with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH for the pin. Jacques informs the ref that Luger pinned the wrong man, so Lex knocks him out as well and pins him.

And now, a SPECIAL INTERVIEW with Lex Luger. He might be entering the Royal Rumble after all. Or maybe not. It’s up to Jack Tunney, really. Yeah, that was special all right.

– SPARKY PLUGG is still coming.

Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger v. The Smoking Gunns

This seems pretty random. Bam Bam overpowers Billy to start, but gets dropkicked out of the ring. Back in, Bigelow misses a headbutt and the Gunns work the arm as a result. Polo: “The Gunns think a three star restaurant is a drive-in with two kinds of condiments.” I’m sad Levy wanted to wrestle so bad because he’s the heir apparent to Bobby Heenan at this point. Bigelow fights off the Gunns and brings in Booger. The Gunns bail and we take a break. Back with the Gunns double-teaming Booger in ugly fashion, but Bart misses a charge and hits the floor, managing to fuck up that bump as well. This is not so much of a good match thus far. Back in, Bigelow with a suplex for two. Vince reminds us that at the Royal Rumble, it’ll even be Bigelow against Booger! Perish the thought of this well-oiled machine being forced to fight each other. Booger chokes Bart on the ropes and pounds the back, but Bart manages to get the hot tag to Billy, as Polo completely oversells the moment just to be a smart-ass. I love it. I think he knows very well what a piece of crap this match is. The Gunns double-team Bigelow while Booger puts the moves on Luna, but Bam Bam swats a flying Billy aside to fight him off. Booger keeps hugging Luna, drawing Bigelow out for a brawl and the countout at 8:08. They’re breaking this team up already? Did this even go anywhere? 1/2*

Next week: The one year anniversary of RAW!

Jeff Jarrett v. John Crhystal

The jobber gets a small package for two, but Jarrett beats him down and gets a clothesline. Dropkick, but he stops to gloat and gets rolled up for two. Jarrett chokes him down and slugs away, but it’s yet another comeback by the jobber, with a powerslam for two. Jarrett finishes with a sloppy DDT at 3:02.

Still pissed about the loss to Polo last week, Marty Jannetty brings out 1-2-3 Kid to get in Polo’s face. So to celebrate RAW’s anniversary, the Quebecers defend NEXT WEEK against Marty & Kid.

Shawn Michaels v. Brian Walsh

Shawn works the arm, but the jobber gets to do a bridge spot off a wristlock, and gets a backslide for two. Shawn finally has enough and tosses Walsh out to the floor, and plays catch with Diesel. Back in, Shawn with a delayed suplex for two. Walsh with a rollup for two, but Shawn drops an elbow and finishes with the superkick and piledriver at 5:07.

Next week: The Quebecers v. Marty & The Kid! Bastion Booger v. Bam Bam Bigelow! Whew, at least they’re paying that angle off. BE THERE!