The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.30.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.30.96

Live from Albany, NY

Your hosts are Vince & King

Steve Austin & Faarooq v. Jesse Jammes & Savio Vega

I still don’t get how Jammes singing the heel’s big song on the way to the ring was supposed to make him a babyface. Also, why are we watching this match and why is Austin teaming with Faarooq? Austin doesn’t DO teams, that’s his whole deal. Austin beats the hell out of Jammes in mid-song to the applause of the fans, and drops Savio with a stungun and short clothesline to take over. Faarooq with the spinebuster for two. Savio comes back with a leg lariat out of the corner for two, but Austin stomps a mudhole in the corner. Savio gets a small package for two and hits Austin with a spinkick out of the corner, and it’s the most terrifying words in the English language: Hot tag Jesse Jammes. He basically gets nothing and Faarooq cuts him off again, but Jammes does his stupid dancing for his comeback and then accidentally hurls himself over the top rope like a moron. And then Austin just destroys the knee on the outside to be a jerk, which brings out Bret Hart as a concerned citizen. Jammes is such a pussy that a simple chop block has removed him from the match, and we take a break. Back with Bret Hart now having to man up and take Jesse’s place while he goes to the back with an ice pack and presumably calls his mother to cry while drinking light beer and watching “The Real Housewives of Nashville” or whatever wussy southern wrestlers watch for reality TV. Meanwhile, people go running in the background with a “Sincere Rules” sign. EDGY HEEL FANS! Maybe they should start an “E-C-Dub” chant while they’re at it. Meanwhile meanwhile, Austin holds Savio in a chinlock. Savio makes a hot comeback and slugs away, but a splash hits knee and Austin drops an elbow on him and gives him trash-talk for good measure. Faarooq with a powerslam for two, but it’s hot tag Bret, and he’s wearing jeans and PISSED. Probably all drunk and ready to fight, like a good Canadian. Drunk on CANADIAN BEER. Not like Jesse Jammes, that sissy. Bret goes nuts on Austin and sets up for the Sharpshooter, but the Nation runs in for the DQ and heel beatdown at 14:30. Well that was a shitty ending to a whole lot of nothing. *1/2 Ahmed Johnson, wearing what appears to be Doink the Clown’s leftover trunks from the period he was being played by Tony Atlas, makes the save and lets us know that YUB GUBBA DUB.

No, Rick, pay attention here.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Flash Funk

It’s a non-title match, but the winner will surely be the champion of alliteration. Flash attacks and slugs Hunter down to start and chops away in the corner, but misses a springboard bodypress out of the corner. Hunter pounds away and tosses him while Goldust watches from the stands. Did they have designated seats for Goldust and Marlena or did they have to go all United Airlines on a couple of poor fans, I wonder? Because, you know, the show was totally sold out, I’d bet. Hunter with a suplex while the fans are just openly chanting “boring” at this point, because apparently Hunter is completely adrift without Marc Mero in there with him. Hunter with the chinlock and we take a break. More action when we return, Vince promises! Wait, has there been action up until now and I just missed it? And we return with an abdominal stretch in progress, before Hunter drops a knee and gets another suplex. To the top for a fistdrop that gets two. Perhaps if he had a strap to pull down first? Hunter chokes away on the ropes while the camera keeps cutting to Goldust in annoying fashion while a young Kevin Dunn says “Hey, I just had an idea…” somewhere in Connecticut. And now Lawler leaves to do a comedy routine on the house mic while Flash makes his comeback, drawing the only heat of the entire match. Hunter is so distracted that he gets moonsaulted for two, and he finally just grabs the IC title and knocks Funk out for the pin at 13:10. Who could possibly give a crap about watching that match for that long? ** Flash, who was more than happy to use the distraction provided by Jerry Lawler to hit several big moves, is now a sore loser and beats up Hunter after the loss. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Wait, I guess he did. Never mind.

Main Event Interview: Shawn Michaels & Bret Hart FACE TO FACE.

Someone actually has a sign in the crowd that says “Watch Shotgun Saturday Night January 5”. Pretty sure that sign wasn’t changing anyone’s mind, random fan. JR announces that it’s Bret v. Vader next week, and Shawn will be doing commentary. Shawn goes on a super-sarcastic rant about how Bret can cut the first promo because he’s the almighty superhero. So Bret reminds us yet again how he was screwed out of the WWF title last year, and screwed out of the WWF title against Sid at the PPV. And his sons used to look up to Shawn, but then Shawn went and posed in Playgirl magazine, and GIRLS DON’T EVEN BUY THAT MAGAZINE.

So yeah, Shawn has no class and he’s a disgrace and he can dance all he wants until Bret kicks his ass. So then Shawn fires back by saying that he’s seen Bret on the road and he ain’t no role model.

Sadly, this impending catfight and presumed Twitter war (#Playgirl! #SunnyDays!) is cut off by Sid, who wants real competition. So that brings out Undertaker, and then Vader attacks HIM, and then Shawn attacks Sid. Man, that Wrestlemania match between Bret and Shawn should have been epic after this buildup, especially with Bret’s slowly building rage and Shawn poking the bear immediately after.

Goldust v. Jerry Lawler

We’ve got 2 minutes of airtime left so I don’t see this going long. And even then they had to take a commercial break and do a Starburst ad before the match! So we’re joined in progress with Goldust yelling at color commentator Hunter Hearst Helmsley, which allows Lawler to choke him down to take over. Hunter heads over to presumably do sex with Marlena, but Marc Mero prevents it and Marlena ends up taking a bump as the match is thrown out at 2:30. DUD

The Pulse

Whole lot of nothing and bullshit finishes on this live RAW, but the Shawn/Bret interview was something else for the time. YouTube that, skip the rest.