The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–12.23.96

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.23.96

Taped from wherever we were last week.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, JR and King.

Intercontinental title: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Marc Mero

So this match has the DQ and countout rules waived for some reason, which is really quite silly because it’s not Hunter deliberately got himself counted out at the PPV or whatever. I mean, it’s fine, but just feels unnecessary to the storyline. Mero attacks to start and Hunter bumps all over as usual, going flying to the floor, where Mero chases Lawler back to the dressing room. Hunter nails Mero from behind and toys with using a chair, but then he’d be DQ’d and lose the title. Back in, they trade chops in the corner and Mero makes the comeback with a corner clothesline, but Hunter tosses him. Back in, Mero with the KO punch, but Hunter throws him over the top again. So who exactly has Goldust beaten to earn a title shot at Royal Rumble? He’s been completely aimless for months. Mero fights his way back in with a sunset flip for two and they go into a pinfall reversal sequence until Hunter puts him down again and we take a break. Back with Hunter in control with a delayed suplex and a kneedrop for two. Mero comes back with a flying headscissors and goes up, but the moonsault misses and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes CLEAN at 10:28. Huh. Really good, energetic TV match. ***1/2

Afterwards, Hunter calls out Goldust in the audience, threatening to make a REAL MAN out of him. Vince: “We may not know whom or what he is, but we certainly know whom or what he is not.” Right, thanks for clearing that up.

Last week, Billy Gunn suffered temporary paralysis at the hands of fake brother Bart. So we do the solemn segment about the serious injury, and then Vince is like “Hey, here’s Sunny in a Santa outfit!”

Rocky Maivia v. Salvatore Sincere

Don’t forget SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIGHT debuts on January 4! Still a great concept that went by the wayside too soon. Rocky wins a battle of hiptosses and puts Sal on the floor while Sunny is all over the Rock’s strudel on commentary. Back in, Rock with a flying chop off the top, but Sincere comes back with a sideslam for two. Lariat gets two. Jim Cornette is hanging around ringside, also apparently looking to manage the Rock. Well, he is a blue-chipper. Sincere controls with his boring offense and a short-arm clothesline. Rocky makes his goofy comeback and hits the hurricane DDT, then finishes with the shoulderbreaker at 5:25. Kind of astonishing that he was only a couple of months into his career at this point. Match wasn’t any GOOD as such, but Rocky looked like a totally normal wrestler who was completely comfortable out there. Fans really did give him a raw deal, to be honest. **

Sid is here to offer words of warning to Shawn Michaels, who is watching from the back and looking like he just grabbed a bottle of pills and washed it down with a bottle of Jack.

Pierroth & Cibernetico v. The New Rockers

Welcome to flaming ratings death. Pierroth trades chops with Cassidy, and Cibernetico controls both Rockers with some basic stuff. Marty’s lack of kneepads really weirded me out at this point. Marty takes over with a cheapshot and drops a fist for two and Cassidy comes in as we take a break. Back with Cibernetico hitting a sunset flip for two. Hot (?) tag to Pierroth and Cibernetico takes out Marty with a dive while Pierroth finishes Leif with a flying splash at 6:00. The company was so tone deaf with that AAA talent exchange. *1/2

Bret Hart v. “Razor Ramon”

Honky Tonk Man is on commentary, continuing his search for his next protégé. Now, this would seem to be completely random and stupid as a TV main event, but Bognar was a Calgary guy who got the job via Bret Hart, so it makes sense that Bret would want to somewhat help his career. Not that it did help, of course. Honky gets a funny line, calling Razor’s hair “a bit too greasy” for his liking. Razor chokes away to take over after a bunch of nothing and follows that with a bunch of nothing. They fight to the floor and Razor takes a gentle bump into the stairs and they fight up the aisle as we take a break. Back with Bret in control with a bulldog and Sharpshooter to abruptly finish at 10:00. *

Meanwhile, Vince asks Shawn Michaels some REALLY stupid questions and Shawn gives eye-rolling sarcastic answers while sounding totally disinterested in this shit.

Next time: It’s Goldust v. Jerry Lawler on a rare LIVE RAW episode as we close out 1996!