The SmarK Rant for WWF In Your House: It’s Time! (12.15.96)

The SmarK Rant for In Your House: It’s Time! (12.15.96)

Hey, welcome to rock bottom for the WWF, pretty much.

Live from West Palm Beach, FL, drawing 5700 people and a paltry 0.35 buyrate, which was, if not the lowest in history up until that point, at least one of them.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & JR

Leif Cassidy v. Flash Funk

This was a weird time for Al Snow, as he was getting more roided up and becoming a mean heel instead of the goofy New Rocker heel, and Paul Heyman was pretty openly courting him for ECW. If ever there was a time to just jettison the character and repackage him, this was it. Cassidy works the arm but Flash reverses to an armbar and they do a nice little reversal sequence and then they completely blow a bodypress spot in the corner. Like Flash slips on the original move, and then they botch the redo as well. Not that anyone in the crowd was paying attention anyway. Leif with a powerbomb out of the corner, and then he hurls Funk over the top in a crazy bump for Flash. And then Leif follows with a somersault plancha and lays him out with a clothesline on the floor. Hopefully that wakes up the crowd a bit. Back in, Cassidy with a dropkick for two and we hit the chinlock. Funk makes the comeback with a flip flop and fly, then escapes a powerbomb attempt, but walks into a short powerbomb. Leif goes up and misses a springboard moonsault, and Flash makes the comeback again with a handspring head kick. Cassidy bails and Flash follows with a dive of his own and goes up with a moonsault for two. Leif clotheslines him for two and they go into a pinfall reversal sequence for some near-falls, before Funk gets the enzuigiri and finishes with the 450 at 10:31. Some hot moves, but it was INCREDIBLY sloppy at times. Pretty much felt like an indy match, with nothing nothing nothing nothing and then suddenly DIVE DIVE DIVE and then back to nothing. ***

WWF tag team titles: British Bulldog & Owen Hart v. “Razor” & “Diesel”

Big Daddy Dentist pounds on Owen while JR goes off about how these guys aren’t “bald with artificial body parts”. Unlike, say, Steve Austin, the bald guy with giant bionic leg braces on both sides. Immediately Pierroth and Cybernetico from AAA come out to act as a distraction and you can just feel the life draining from the crowd even further. Bulldog pounds on Razor and now Austin comes out to distract Bulldog this time for a brawl. So there you go, that’s where Austin was supposed to be going for Wrestlemania before everything went down in February. Owen gets double-teamed on the floor and gets the “heat”, as I think someone in the front row might have booed half-heartedly while going for nachos. I mean, who was even supposed to be the babyfaces here? Owen & Bulldog? The guys feuding with Steve Austin? Diesel with the big boot, but he misses an elbow before Owen gets trapped in the corner again. He fights back with an enzugiri on Diesel and makes the hot tag to Bulldog. Delayed suplex on Razor gets two and it’s BONZO GONZO as I think a couple of people are actually watching from the nacho lines. Everyone brawls and Razor tries the Edge on Bulldog, but Owen hits him with a leg lariat and Bulldog gets the pin to retain at 10:30. Last 30 seconds were pretty good, I suppose. *1/2 And we didn’t see much of the Imposters after that. Steve Austin dives in during the celebration and destroys Bulldog’s knee while Owen is conveniently looking away, which was setting up a breakup that never happened.

Ahmed Johnson makes his return from whatever his most recent injury was at that point, and he’s got the GOOD track suit and fanny pack so it’s like a formal occasion or something. He gives us a stirring dissertation on whatever it was that he’s talking about, and the Nation comes out to retort and lay down the challenge for Royal Rumble. That feud just felt so dead already.

Intercontinental title: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Marc Mero

The pre-match video package writes Mr. Perfect out of the promotion with an off-handed “Poochie returned to his home planet” send-off. Hopefully HHH will do OK without him. I believe this marks the debut of Hunter using Beethoven’s Ninth as his entrance, and thankfully he’s back to classic black for the belt instead of the gaudy white one he won from Mero. They fight over a wristlock to start and Mero dumps him with a clothesline and follows with a double axehandle. Back in, Hunter drops him with a necksnap in the corner, but gets backdropped to the floor. They brawl out there and Mero gets whipped into the stairs as Hunter takes over. Back in for the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DISCOMFORT. Hunter uses the ropes and gets into the argument with Hebner for easy hate that actually gets the crowd going. And then he comes off the middle ropes and lands on Mero’s foot, setting up the comeback. Hunter bumps all over for him, and a flying headscissors gets two. To the top and Mero gets a rana off the top rope, but goes up again and gets crotched and Hunter gets two. Pedigree is reversed into a catapult and the Merosault gets two. The ref is bumped and Mero gets his visual pinfall and then tosses Hunter for the big dive, but then Goldust comes out and hits both guys with the belt. There’s WAY too much interference in this show. Everyone is out and Mero beats the count at 13:10. Match was all right before the incredibly shit screwjob TV finish. *** I mean, seriously? Ref bumps, belt shots AND a countout ending?

Meanwhile, Sid is angry.

Armageddon Rules: Undertaker v. The Executioner

Vince is like “Look into the eyes of the Executioner, that vacant look!” Yeah, there was a reason for that vacant look. Taker with a big boot and he slugs away while poor Gordy bumps like a 60 year old man and just looks like he’s got no clue what’s going on out there. Paul Bearer distracts Taker and allows Executioner to take over, but that goes nowhere. Finally Mankind has to come out and save the match as they double-team Taker (and Mick trips on the mats and lands facefirst on the concrete in the process). Taker fights them both off and they head up the aisle as this is going nowhere fast, and Mick has to fling himself through the stupid house set multiple times. JR yells “They’re tearing the house down!” until we really, REALLY get the joke. They head back to the ring while indy geeks dressed as security subdue Mankind, and the other two head backstage for the backstage portion. This results in a thrilling shot of the stairs leading away from the arena, and then we head back to the ring where Mankind gets locked in a straitjacket. Pretty sure rent-a-cops don’t have the authority to put someone in a straitjacket. We head outside, where Executioner ends up in a body of water somehow and Undertaker just walks away and leaves him there, opting to fight Mankind in a straitjacket instead because he’s still 100x the worker that Gordy was at that point, even with the jacket. Amazingly, Executioner returns from his swim and Taker finishes him with the tombstone at 11:30 for the incredibly anti-climactic 10 count finish. This was bad on every level possible. -** I mean, when the guy in the match is incapable of even working the match and you have to bring out Mankind to work for him, you’re hitting levels of terrible that you really don’t need to. Mercifully, Gordy was fired after this and that ended his career. He kind of kicked around WAR in Japan here and there, but mostly was done. Frankly I’m shocked WCW never tried to stick him in the nWo or anything.

WWF World title: Sid v. Bret Hart

Shawn Michaels’ entrance as color commentator cuts off Bret’s pre-match promo, and you just know what THAT produced for a reaction. Shawn immediately makes friends by calling Sid “the biggest piece of luggage in the WWF” during the entrances. Bret attacks him and pounds away in the corner, but Sid stomps him down and Vince is like “Damn, Bret really fucked up there, why would he slug it out with Sid, what a moron”. And people wondered why the Bret heel character worked so well? And then Shawn goes on an epic rant against Bret, with “god forbid some of us are different instead of vanilla and boring, I mean would it kill you to smile once in a while?” They head to the floor and Sid pounds on him, and back in for more punching from Bret while Shawn declares himself to be the TRUTH-TELLER. To the floor and Sid pulls up the mats like he’s Bill Watts, but Bret sends him into the post and goes to work on the back. Vince sums up Sid: “He’s much better on offense than he is on defense.” Now there’s an understatement. Bret takes FOREVER working on the back while playing subtle heel, and Bret undoes a turnbuckle. Sid blocks that, but Bret gets a backdrop suplex for two as I guess he’s just decided to literally wrestle himself out here. Legsweep gets two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Sid comes back with a big boot and a powerslam, although he barely even goes down with Bret on the move. Short clothesline gets two. Legdrop misses, but Bret can’t get the Sharpshooter…and now Steve Austin pops up again and clips Bret. Owen and Bulldog chase him away and Sid goes to work on the leg and Sid manages to fuck up running him into the turnbuckles. They repeat the spot and this time Bret goes into the exposed turnbuckle. Sid with a chokeslam for two. They both tumble to the floor and Bret steals Shawn’s chair (“Hey, it’s your match, pal, take it!”) but Sid piefaces Shawn and runs Bret into him. Powerbomb, 1-2-3 at 17:00. Weak ass finish to an OK match. *** Bret takes out his frustrations on Shawn afterwards and beats the hell out of him for good measure. Well, there would more frustrations to come for him.

The Pulse

This one doesn’t really get much talk in the “Worst PPVs ever” discussion because it’s pretty non-descript and inoffensive most of the way, but there is literally NOTHING on this show to warrant going back and watching it. This was the textbook definition of “throwaway show” and the meager buyrate proved it.

Strong recommendation to avoid.