Wrestling Observer Flashback–01.28.91

Previously in the Flashback… http://blogofdoom.com/index.php/2016/11/24/wrestling-observer-flashback-01-21-91/

Dave is about to start getting REALLY mad now. 

But first…the Royal Rumble review!

– In our top story, Dave dug deep and peeled back the layers of the onion that is Vince McMahon in some hard-hitting investigative journalism. For years it seemed like Vince only pushed no-talent steroid freaks because it’s easy to make new stars by hitting a gym in California for talent.  But indeed, as of the Royal Rumble show, it’s clear that Vince has a new criteria for stardom:  Severe male pattern baldness.  You see, fans can’t feel like the champion is a totally untouchable superman, so they need SOMETHING to feel like they’re better than that champion. And in this case, it’s clear that to be a top level World champion (like Bruno, Lou Thesz, Hulk Hogan or Verne Gagne) you need to be bald. 

– It should be noted that when Backlund started getting boos as champion, Vince made him shave his head, but by then it was too late.  Pedro Morales had a full head of hair, but Latino fans don’t have “hair envy”, they just don’t like people with nicer masks than them.

– Sadly, Ultimate Warrior’s failure as champion hinges on the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t lose his hair. Despite his best efforts to bleach it into submission, and even attempts to use his arm tassels to cut off the flow of blood to his head, the only result was killing all his brain cells. Which explains his promos.  Kerry Von Erich also tried really hard to lose his hair, but just couldn’t cut it. 

– In conclusion, clearly the steroid monsters that Vince pushes are not trying to become muscular, but rather trying to induce hair loss as one of the side effects.  WCW is screwed, because Flair still has a magnificent head of hair, despite his efforts to cut it all off a few weeks back.  Clearly that’s why they decided to move him down before it was too late.

– Enough with the silliness, Dave says, let’s get to the Rumble review, which was the BEST WWF PPV EVER.  Wow, really building this one up right from the get-go. 

0.  Jerry Saggs pinned Sam Houston with the flying elbow in the dark match.

1. The Rockers pinned the Orient Express in 19:12 when Jannetty pinned Tanaka with a sunset flip.  Dave calls it the best WWF PPV match since Savage v. Steamboat, although there was a two minute nerve hold “as a tribute to the WWF career of Mr. Fuji.”  ****

2. Big Bossman pinned the Barbarian in 14:14 by reversing a flying bodypress for the pin.  First bit was awful, but the rest was excellent.  **3/4 

3. Sgt. Slaughter won the WWF title from Ultimate Warrior in 12:45.  Dave is not happy about this one.  Thankfully, they chose not to rile up an already angry mob of fans by having Adnan out there waving the Iraqi flag.  OH WAIT, that’s exactly what they did.  Both guys were completely blown up after about 2 minutes of bumps, but Randy Savage managed to save the match with his interference, with the match ending up very entertaining thanks to the people not involved in the match  ***1/2  (Woof!  That seems incredibly generous for such an awful match.) 

4.  In place of intermission, they did a nothing match with the Mountie beating Koko B. Ware in 9:05.  The idea was to calm down the fans and prevent riots.  Mountie’s gimmick is pretty lame.  *3/4 

5. Ted Dibiase & Virgil beat Dusty & Dustin Rhodes at 9:57.  It was basically just a backdrop for the Virgil babyface turn.  Dusty missed a blind charge and got pinned by Ted for the finish, ending his WWF career.  Afterwards, Virgil turned on Dibiase with a lengthy dramatic pause and some great acting.  **1/4 (match was *, angle was ****)

6. Hulk Hogan threw out Earthquake to win the Rumble in 65:16. Dave calls it the worst of the four Rumbles, with everyone just in there to kill time.  Hogan had already guaranteed victory to the troops, so the result was academic.  And that gets Dave’s blood BOILING.  Anyway, more on that later.  Greg Valentine was booked to go 45:00 as punishment for doing the UWF shows after his contract expired and he was legally free to do so.  Because now he’s back, you see, and Vince can do as he pleases again.  Martel was in for 52:00 and Dave doesn’t even want to think about what HE did to deserve that.  **1/4

– RANT ALERT.  Dave is completely disgusted, even by Vince’s already low standards, by the bad taste shown from putting the World title on Sgt. Slaughter four days after war was declared in the Middle East.  Vince apparently feels that putting the belt on the traitor and then having him lose to American-flag drenched Hogan before “a patriotic orgy of 100,000 fans at the LA Coliseum” is the ticket to millions of dollars.  But when US soldiers started getting killed, everyone figured he’d pull back on the angle and come to his senses.  Instead, they wrapped the company in patriotic fervor, claiming not to condone Slaughter’s actions, and yet still put him over for the title.  Slaughter was on record to those around him as not wanting anything to do with the heel character originally, but Vince obsessively pushed the idea until it became clear that the only way Sarge would get hired was to do the traitor gimmick. Plus he wants to retire and work a front office job soon, and that was the condition of doing so. 

– Even worse, Hogan (who was turned down for a Middle East tour by the USO) will be visiting families of US soldiers in Kuwait, partially to cheer them up, but mostly to sell them a $30 PPV where he gets his fake revenge on the Slaughter character.  Dave thinks that’s a tad horrifying as well, from a moral standpoint. 

– Dave also wants to clarify here and note that he has no problem with Slaughter as champion, because if Vince thinks that Hogan v. Slaughter will draw money, more power to him.  It’s the exploitation of the war for fake sympathy and mainstream attention that really grinds his gears.  It’s fine to be patriotic or jingoistic, as long as it’s sincere and legitimate.  What Vince is doing is crass exploitation of a horrible situation, and it MAKES DAVE SICK. 

– Also, Hulk Hogan is equally at fault.  Sgt. Slaughter is just a poor guy playing a terrible role because he needs the job.  Hogan, on the other hand, should know better and has legit influence on Vince’s decisions.  In fact, Dave says, if they’re not going to be sincere with this stuff, then they should at least publicly admit that they’re just actors playing roles and that none of this is “real”, because the war is very real and doesn’t need to be mixing with the wrestling world. 

– To Japan, where Maeda apparently has backing for his new new UWF, which will be called UWF, and will be launching in March. 

– In Texas, Eric Embry continues to set the attendance records week after week, with the Sportatorium packing 325 whole people in for the latest show.  (How can they even fit that many people in there?  Is that legal under fire regulations?  Would they have to literally stack fans on top of each other like chairs in a school gymnasium?  Is there some sort of closed circuit broadcast they can do at a nearby stadium for the overflow?) 

– Kevin Von Erich made his comeback to wrestling after, like, a month for the rival promotion at the Metroplex, and drew a staggering 140 people.

– Due to security concerns in CNN Center, the upcoming Clash has been moved to Gainesville, Ga.  (Whoever heard of security concerns moving a major show?) 

– the Southern Boys will undergo a name change soon because their name is considered a bit limited, geographically speaking. 

– Diamond Dallas Page from Florida is in and managing the Freebirds now.

– To the WWF, where Dave wants to clarify that Slaughter was winning the title whether or not war broke out.

– The pilot for “Tag Team” will finally see the light of day as ABC will show it as a “Movie of the Week” this Saturday.

– The sudden interest in Chris Chavis for a WWF role is because Vince saw that “Dances with Wolves” is a big box office hit. 

– Joe Pedicino may have actually talked Max Andrews into syndicating his GWF when the thing actually launches sometime in the future. 

– And finally, Dave was bored enough during the Rumble match to actually time the runs to the ring, with the winner being Hawk at a brisk 4.67 seconds.  Dave gives credit for Kerry Von Erich finishing fourth, even with a bad foot.  Some celebrities even entered the contest, although Richard Pryor’s time of 4.37 was disallowed because he was on fire at the time.  Ben Johnson ran a 3.23 but got DQ’d for steroid use immediately afterwards.  Art Barr ran a 6.95 but plead down to a 4.96.  Buddy Rose ran a 7.05 but claimed to be 2.15.  Sting came in dead last at 37.00 because he found out he wasn’t winning and sulked the whole way.  Kevin Von Erich failed to finish due to collapsing in mid-run, but attributed it to Oriental tool punch to the throat. Sid would have won the whole thing, but he found out there was softball in West Arkansas that night and pulled out at the last minute.  He still got the biggest pop anyway.