WRESTLING OBSERVER FLASHBACK–03.19.90

OH HEY, DAVE IS TRYING SOMETHING NEW THIS ISSUE. TRY TO GUESS WHAT IT IS.

I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST ONE PERSON HERE WHO WILL LOVE IT. BUT IF I HAVE TO SUFFER, SO DO YOU.

– IN THE LEAD STORY THIS WEEK, IT’S “STRAIGHT TALK ON STEROIDS”, BECAUSE OF ALL THE PRESS THAT SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM IS DOING RIGHT NOW. DAVE NOTES THAT WATCHING GRAHAM ON TV, AS HE LOOKS 20 YEARS OLDER THAN HE DID EVEN A DECADE AGO, YOU COULD SEE MANY OF TODAY’S TOP STARS IN THE HOSPITAL OR RETIRED BECAUSE OF BONE DEGENERATION. (Break it down! The calcium in your bones, that is. Also, Paul Orndorff and Rick Rude say “hi”.)

– POPULAR LEGEND HAS IT THAT DR. JOHN ZIEGLER INTRODUCED STEROIDS TO THE WEIGHTLIFTING WORLD IN 1960, IN ORDER TO BEAT THE GODLESS COMMIES AT THEIR OWN GAME IN THE OLYMPICS.

– Sorry, Foghorn, for you I will end the bit early. But the rest of the Observer is all like that, so I might be a bit grumpy by the end.

– Anyway, Ziegler introduced steroids in order to catch up to the Russians, using a formula that was supposedly created by the Nazis in World War II in their quest to create a “Super Race”. (Note to Nazis: Your super race would have low testosterone by the time they were forty, plus develop boobs and really bad acne. Not really so super.)

– Dave blames most of the current problems on the WWF, with the insane travel schedule that leaves no time for working out properly and yet demands perfect physiques 365 days a year. Nature just can’t provide that.

– At this point it’s really difficult to know what the long-term effects of roids will be, although we know some of them like “bitch tits” and acne and roid rage. (Unfortunately, we know in great detail these days all too well what the long term effects are.)

– The WWF is currently ignoring the issue and hoping it goes away.

– Dave already has a laundry list of guys who have heart problems from steroids (Savannah Jack, for example) or kidney problems (Ed Gantner). (Neither of those stories had a happy ending.)

– Dave doesn’t really see an answer, since steroid testing is ineffective as it stands and Vince is constantly pushing guys who look like steroid freaks. Most promotions complain that real testing is too expensive, but what they really mean is that the RESULTS are too expensive, in that they’d be losing their top draws on a regular basis and killing the gates. (As UFC found out.)

– Also, Dave finds it most infuriating that even though Graham was on Entertainment Tonight beating the drum about how the WWF is forcing everyone to go on steroids, Graham himself would go on TV as a color commentator and bitch about how guys like Terry Taylor “need to gain 20 pounds of muscle” to be a star. And then, he gained those 20 pounds and still wasn’t much of a star.

And now, a new segment of indeterminate length, based on Dave getting so annoyed by a WWF house show in San Fran that he decided to take notes on the conversations around him instead of watching the show. It’s time for…

“You know, when the Rockers wrestle Andre & Haku in Wrestlemania, it isn’t for the title.”

In reference to Big Bossman: “Remember Jim Cornette used to have a bodyguard in the AWA named Big Bubba? That’s him.” “No, that was the NWA. His name was Bam Bam Bigelow. He grew the hair to cover his tattoos.”

In reference to Ultimate Warrior: “His father is Don Muraco. That’s why when he started wrestling in the NWA, they called him the Rock.”

In reference to the Orient Express: “He’s the guy who used to be in the NWA with the Dragon Master. He’s one BAD dude!”

(I’d like to say Dave was exaggerating these descriptions, but god knows I’ve been to enough wrestling shows to know that if anything he’s probably giving them too MUCH credit.)

– Dave hates Ted Dibiase’s new theme song, by the way. He feels like the Rougeaus are not as good of workers, but at least they have a good theme song.

– Brutus Beefcake got a big hometown pop because he’s announced from San Francisco, but everyone forgets that he’s not actually from the city and it was actually a gay joke to get him over as a heel in the original form of his gimmick. (That’s one of those weird things that only happens in wrestling.)

– Behind the scenes magic: Mean Gene brought out Pat Patterson and Ray Stevens for an interview segment, but in fact it was a secret trick to make the fans cheer REALLY loud so they can copy-and-paste the crowd noise over top of babyfaces who aren’t getting the proper reactions. (Have we finally found the way to get Roman Reigns over?)

– Dave notes that everyone WANTS to cheer Savage, but Sherri is so awesome as a heel that he gets booed effortlessly.

– Rick Martel gave some interviews at the tapings setting up his feud with Jake Roberts after WM. (Jesus fuck, did that feud really run for a YEAR?!?)

– Notable match: Tito Santana beat Buddy Rose in a long-awaited rematch of the first match of the first Wrestlemania.

– The main event was a tag match with Hogan and Bossman against Perfect and Genius, and there were literally thousands of empty seats after it started, with the crowd burned out from already seeing Warrior and tired from four hours of squashes.

– To Japan, where Terry Gordy & Steve Williams teamed up and won the PWF World tag titles over Stan Hansen & Tenryu in a surprise upset, when Tenryu submitted to Gordy no less. Tenryu rarely does jobs, even less so submission jobs, and Baba is apparently trying to make this Gordy & Williams team into the new version of Hansen & Brody. (if only they had some kind of kick-ass name for them…)

– The joint WWF/Japan show will apparently be called the “Wrestling Summit” and should draw a $3 million gate with a sellout of the Tokyo Dome.

– Mike Awesome, a “muscular jobber from Florida”, is into Memphis as the newest babyface to feud with Jerry Lawler. (Pretty sure that was his Observer debut.)

– As noted last week,they’re not even pretending to have continuity between Dallas and Memphis, as Jimmy Valiant is USWA champion in Memphis defending against Lawler, while Lawler remains USWA champion in Dallas.

– Also, Chris Champion is able to make a miraculous recovery from his grave injuries in Memphis every time he goes to Dallas.

– After supposedly leaving forever a few weeks ago, Eric Embry is back in the USWA and no one seems to be particularly making a big deal about it.

– Completely random note thrown in while talking about a tour of New Zealand organized by Don Muraco: The Bushwackers and Haku maintain New Zealand citizenship for a variety of tax-related reasons, and so have to travel to the country at least once a year to maintain that status. So the WWF has decided to start running shows there to accommodate them.

– Sadly, Tully Blanchard’s job with Coca Cola, which Dave snidely infers might not have been an actual thing that existed, has fallen through for real and Tully will have to start wrestling full time again.

– The AWA is down to about two lines of results in these things now, by the way.

– The early genesis of that promotion in Philly continues as Joel Goodheart presents a show featuring…wait for it…Tony Stetson v. Johnny Hot Body! (And you thought Cesaro v. Sheamus went on for a long time.)

– Early talk for the Luger-Flair rematch at Capital Combat is HAIR V. HAIR. Dave thinks that’s a bad idea on so many levels.

– In the “Just Sayin’” department, Dave points out that the NWA forced Ole Anderson out of the ring because was too old, and forced Terry Funk out of the ring because he was too old, and is pressuring Flair to step down because he’s too old, but they hired Abdullah the Butcher this week.

– Apparently that stupid shit about using movie characters in wrestling was just something that Jim Herd was saying to be funny, and not a serious idea being pursued by the booking team or anything. Whew.

– NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

– The NWA was making offers to Scotty the Body, but he’s happy in Portlandia right now. Dave suspects that the WWF will also come calling.

– Michael Hayes was suspended for 30 days for some sort of violation. Dave isn’t sure what it is, but is pretty sure what it is. That’s his actual wording.

– NWA is claiming that they’re on WGN now, but the station is violently denying it, and in fact denies having any interest in airing wrestling. (Unless I was dreaming it back in 1990, I’m pretty sure the wrestling side was telling the truth in this case. They did have a show on WGN and it had some kind of special Chicago-specific feature with Jack Brickhouse, right?)

– The NWA is also in negotiations with Paul Heyman to drop his lawsuit with the company and return to a TV role again. (Hey, wonder if that led anywhere?)

– Once again, a Flair-Luger screwjob at the PPV has led to the rematches doing business at the house shows, so Dave concedes defeat on the matter.

– Here’s a minor note that could have drastically changed the landscape of business: So when Enos & Bloom were loaned out by Verne Gagne to the NWA as masked goobers, Ted Turner actually made offers to buy the AWA completely so he could have their ESPN timeslot and whatever talent was left over. Verne refused because he wanted the company to continue to have a distinct AWA branding and the deal fell apart. (How badly do you think Verne wished he accepted that offer when he went bankrupt a year later?) The original terms of the deal called for Ric Flair to work for Verne on 4/6, but when they went to negotiate further the NWA was like…

– Apparently Robert Goulet will be working Wrestlemania as a celebrity because they wanted a Canadian and he’s cheaper than Anne Murray. In fact, I have secret footage of the negotiations:

– At the TV tapings in Sacramento, Earthquake challenged the winner of the Hogan-Warrior match, and Dave notes that since Hogan and Earthquake are booked around the horn through April, that tells you the winner of the match. (Cracking good detective work, David!)

– And finally, wrestlers are becoming increasingly upset because they’re getting paid on the house for PPV shows, while Vince keeps all the sweet, sweet PPV nectar to himself. (And now they WISH PPV was still around and making them money!)

Seacrest out. Dave better drop the caps lock bullshit next issue, though.