BoD Mania III, Part 1

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal: Camp Cleveland, Upvoters, TatR & Shelton Benjamin, Biscuit, “No Way” Jose Gomez, Texas Bobby, Cabspaintedyellow, Kyle Warne, PIERS, Kyle Connor, Ioan Morris, Rockstar Gary, Big S Bankston, Juvydriver, SpicolliDriver, Joe Dust, Diddly, Beard Money

And we are off! This breaks out in a pier-six brawl! And just like that, Cabspaintedyellow is eliminated by Texas Bobby, who is then eliminated by Beard Money! And Beard Money does a cartwheel! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww!!!!! Diddly gets tossed by Camp Cleveland. Rockstar Gary & Big S Bankston are fighting……………..over a flask. The flask pours out on the mat and they lick that up until Camp Cleveland picks them up and tosses them over for the elimination. Kyle Connor and PIERS are battling in the ropes but the Midwest Madman, Biscuit, runs over and dumps them both over. The Upvoters and Camp Cleveland are mixing it up as Kenny Reigns accidentally elbows Shelton Benjamin, who takes offense and demands an apology. Kenny lets him know its every man for himself. Danimal and TatR come over and they all start shoving each other. Camp Cleveland runs over and they are all brawling. Kenny backdrops Shelton to the floor. Shelton then jumps up on the apron and takes out Kenny. Camp Cleveland take Danimal and throw him on top of Kenny but at the same time, TatR was behind them and pushes Camp Cleveland out too. TatR gets up but Mikey is on the apron and yanks him over the top rope as the teams brawl on the floor. The Drivers are still alive and they work over Beard Money in the corner. Biscuit comes over and starts throwing uppercuts to everyone. He hits Ioan and calls him a “limey prick” then also says the same to “No Way” Jose before tossing him over the top rope. Beard Money fights off Juvydriver and tosses him then tossses Spicolli Driver through the middle rope but everyone thinks he has been elminated. We then see a hand yank Spicolli underneath the ring. Biscuit tosses Beard Money and we are down to just four: Biscuit, Ioan Morris, Kyle Warne, and Joe Dust.

After a struggle, Joe Dust tosses out Kyle Warne. Biscuit now refers to Ioan as a “Wonder Bread wop” and tosses him out. Well, you know, he had a concussion. This leaves Joe Dust and Biscuit, along where ever Spicolli Driver may be. Joe Dust attacks Biscuit and tries to scramble what is left of his brains. Joe tries for a brainbuster but Biscuit flats over then stumbles over to the ropes for balance. Joe charges but Biscuit back drops him and he is the last one left but what a minute, from underneath the ring, comes Spicolli Driver with a mask. He takes a hold of Biscuit and eliminates him. Spicolli Driver now asks for the mic and he has something to say:

“I told all of you……………………..Harry Fact #1 is that Harry………………never……………does………….the……………………….job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

OH MY GOD, that was Harry Broadhurst underneath the ring the entire time. He planned this so he would not have to defend his title. Biscuit is pissed and seemingly confused on the outside, as he asks a fan, an eight year old boy, to go make him a boilermaker. Biscuit looks in the ring and yells at Harry, who is gloating over his trick.

Canadian Pride Match: “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten vs. “Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn

Because GM Bobby Bayless is a dumb fuck, he put together the “Canadian” aspects of this match which include Bullwinkle from “Rocky and Bullwinkle” and Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff. PTT is accompanied by the masked Mounties. Hanging above the ring is a cage that contains Cuppie, the lovable dancing Canadian mascot. The winner of the match will receive Cuppie. The bell rings and they are firing away! Mister E Mahn starts drilling PTT with haymakers. PTT gets clotheslined to the floor then hides behind his mounties when Mahn follows. Mahn retreats but charges and leaps off of the steps to take out PTT with a clothesline. The Mounties try to take out Mahn with their shock sticks but he ducks and they shock each other! Mahn rolls PTT inside and fires away. He sends PTT into the corner but PTT now uses the ref as a shield. PTT pushes the ref at Mahn then lands a cheap shot as he takes control. PTT starts choking out Mahn with his foot. PTT hits a slam and then follows up with an elbow drop for two. Mahn fights out of a chinlock but PTT hits him low then reapplies the hold. PTT hits a snap suplex then climbs up top. He points and yells at Cuppie that it is time for his Mr. Sub then jumps but Mahn gets his knees up as both men are down. Both men struggle to get up as PTT fires away first. Mahn blocks a punch then he starts firing away. PTT whips Mahn, who ducks a clothesline, then takes PTT out with a flying knee smash. Mahn heads outside and fires away but now Hart Killer runs out and tosses Mahn into the steps as the referee rings the bell for the DQ. Hart demands a mic:

“There is no way to have a Canadian Pride match without myself. I havent seen desperation like this since Smith tried to beat last call when he picked up his brother Bruce’s head off of the dungeon floor and ringed out his hair so he could drink up the booze.

(Points at Mahn) We all you that you are Alexandre Daigle. That is something we can all agree on. (Points at PTT) And you, well, you are very good. However, you are not Wayne Gretzky good. You are Luc Robitaille good. (PTT Spits out his water as his eyes bug out of his head then screams “LUC ROBITAILLE” before raising his own Stanley Cup and proclaiming himself the Pride of Canada) Well, you can pretend that you are more than a 7/10 but the truth is this, I am the Pride of Canada and next time there is a match with that on the line, I must be included.”

Wade Michael is standing outside the dressing room door of Kbjone.

Wade: Fans, we know that this title match is imminent. We’re hoping to get a few words-

CLANG! The door opens and Kbjone levels Wade and the cameraman with chairshots! “No time to talk Wade, got a championship to win from an asshole!”

Here he comes! Kbjone, trusty chair in tow, makes his way to the ring. And there’s the music of Extant1979! He’s accompanied by Biff Kensington and has a haughty sneer on his face, along with the A+ title over his shoulder. He hands it off to Biff and stares at the ring at Kbjone, disgust in his eyes….and he charges! This match is ON!

Extant1979 vs Kbjone – A+ Player’s Championship match – No Holds Barred

Extant fakes a slide into the ring, and Kbjone takes a mighty swing with his chair, but Extant avoids it and slides into the ring on the other side. He goes after Kb and fires right hands, causing Kbjone to drop the chair. Biff tosses various weapons into the ring, and Kbjone takes a trashcan to the head from Extant. Drop toehold from Extant with the trashcan still on Kbjone’s head. Extant drops elbows, but the last one misses and Kb gets a chairshot to take over. Kbjone with a few more shots to Extant, but Biff jumps into the ring and onto Kbjone’s back to stop him. Kbjone shrugs Biff off and turns towards him, Biff backing up slowly. Kb: “Back off, Biff! Davis has you covered later!” From behind, Extant with a shot to the nuts of Kbjone! Kbjone goes down and Extant gets two. Extant lays into Kbjone with stomps, and Biff goes to the outside and gets a table. Extant goes to set the table up, but Kbjone is back to his feet! He tosses Extant to the outside and now they’re battling on the floor….but Biff comes back and he jumps on Kbjone’s back AGAIN!

Extant: “Hold him, Biff!” Biff gets his arms under the shoulders, Extant with a superkick! Kbjone goes down! Extant laughs in his face. “No Holds Barred, huh? You’re a bigger ignoramus than I thought you were!” Extant tells Biff to hold him up again, but wait! One of the fans in the front row just grabbed Biff from behind! Extant goes over to see what the deal is….the fan just blasted Extant in the face with brass knuckles! Extant goes down! How did the fan get knuckles past the metal….wait, that’s a mask! It’s JOHN PETUKA! He yells at Kbjone to ‘FINISH IT!’ and grabs Biff to stop him from interfering! Kbjone is stirring and he sees Petuka and smiles. He rolls Extant back into the ring and sets up the table. He and Petuka point at each other while Biff screams, and Kbjone loads up Extant….PETUKA BAZOOKA through the table! OH MY GOD! Kbjone covers as Biff struggles to get away from Petuka, but the ref is counting! 1,2,3! Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a NEW A+ PLAYER’S CHAMPION, and his name is Kbjone! Extant1979 is out in the middle of the ring! Kbjone goes over to help Petuka over the barricade, and they celebrate in the middle of the ring as the Upper-Midcard Express has a singles title! Petuka can’t put any weight on his leg, but he still hops and helps Kbjone hold up his new title. Kbjone grabs a mic.

Kbjone: Well, well, well. Looks like I’m a new champ! And Biff, since it seems like you just can’t wait until later, I know that Robert Davis is ready to fight; let’s do that one right now, shall we?

Biff’s eyes bug out of his head! “WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” is heard over the loudspeakers as Biff screams that he isn’t ready, but that’s not going to stop Robert Davis from heading down the rampway along with Archie Stackhouse!

Robert Davis vs Biff Kensington III

Stackhouse rolls Biff back into the ring, where Davis is waiting with Jughead. Biff immediately pleads for his life, with Extant not even stirring on the outside to help him. Ring the bell! Davis is all over Biff, rights and lefts raining down on the mastermind behind Kensington Enterprises. Biff covers up, but there’s been no offense at all from him. Davis winds up, big splash in the corner to Biff, who collapses. Davis puts Biff on the top rope, superplex by Robert Davis! He drops a few elbows on Biff, then drags him to the center of the ring, hoists him up, Welcome to Riverdale Driver by Robert Davis! Meanwhile outside the ring, Curtzerker has charged from the back to help out, but Stackhouse and Kbjone are handling them as Robert Davis looks down at Biff with a look of grim satisfaction. “It didn’t have to come to this, Biff!” He picks him up again, a SECOND Welcome to Riverdale Driver! Biff Kensington may be legally deceased. Finally, Robert Davis covers, 1,2,3. Robert Davis wins! He holds Biff’s lifeless carcass up and rakes Jughead across his forehead, causing blood to spurt out! He picks Biff up in a gorilla press position and tosses him onto Curtzerker on the outside, and everyone from Kensington is down. Davis, Stackhouse, and Petuka rejoin Robert Davis in the ring, and they observe the carnage that lay on the outside as Kbjone holds aloft the A+ Player’s Championship. The opponents of Kensington raise their arms; on this day, they reign triumphant.

Winner Gets the Anchor Cheese Sponsorship: DBSM w/ The Posse vs. Kaptain Kiwi w/ Brothers Garea

This match is for all the cheese. Specifically, the processed canned cheddar. Kiwi starts off with his death stare but is met with a slap by DBSM, who now smiles and points at his posse. Kiwi maintains the same facial expression then starts firing away. Kiwi hits a backdrop then a hiptoss. He goes for the flying headscissors but DBSM retreats to the corner. DBSM regroups with the Posse and gets some great advice from Harvey Grant and the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters.” DBSM heads back in and pleads with Kiwi before kicking him in the gut. DBSM hammers away on the back as he yells “Be home in a minute, Maude!” The camera flashes on the Brothers Garea, who might be worried here. Tough to tell with Johnny drooling and sleeping. DBSM hits a backbreaker then works a surfboard. Kiwi fights out then charges but DBSM drops him with a knee to the gut then sends Kiwi to the floor. Kiwi is dragged up on the apron where DBSM suplexes him back into the ring for a nearfall. DBSM yells about getting the cheese as a psychotic Steve Decker starts smashing the guardrail with his bat. DBSM works a chinlock then Kiwi powers out and backs DBSM into the corner. Kiwi collapses as the Brothers Garea Kiwifruit Tree Farm depend on this win. Kiwi is fighting for all of Auckland, dammit! DBSM approaches but Kiwi fires away from his knees. Kiwi gets up then starts chopping away in the corner. Kiwi is finally back in control of the match. He whips DBSM, who reverses, as Kiwi collides with the referee. DBSM knees Kiwi in the back then yells for the Posse. Mark Linn-Baker and Jamiroquai distract the Brother Garea as Steve Decker hops the guardrail, along with Harvey Grant and the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters.” They head inside and hold up Kiwi for Decker but DBSM steps in and wants to use the bat. Decker is upset as DBSM promises they will in fact put M80’s in Kirt Manwaring’s mailbox after the show. Decker hands DBSM the bat and he swings but Kiwi boots him in the gut. Kiwi then hip tosses both guys that were holding him. The referee comes to as DBSM charges with the bat but Kiwi blocks that than catches DBSM in the Garea Stretch. THE GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!!! DBSM is screaming and screaming as Kiwi has the hold wrenched. My lord, this is inhumane! DBSM screams and finally taps out!!!!!!!! Kaptain Kiwi did it!!!! Kaptain Kiwi is once again the Anchor Cheese spokesperson. The camera shows a still passed-out Johnny and an empty seat where Sir Tony was. No, the spotlight shines on the stage as we see Sir Tony in his captain’s uniform while riding a horse. What a BoD Mania moment, folks.

Next week on Part II,

Curtzerker vs. Strike Force for the BoD Tag Titles

Tommy Hall vs. Stranger in the Alps for the BoD Writer’s Title

Matthew Maynard Adams vs. Jef Vinson

Cultstatus vs. Jobber in an Iron Man Match

Andy PG vs. Hoss for the BoD Title.