ECW on Sci-Fi #1 06/13/2006

So after a hellish PPV where the ECW brand was mostly well-represented, it’s time for the brand new ECW TV show! What could go wrong?

Clips of One Night Stand and Raw set to LET THA BAWDIES HIT THE FLAWWWWWWWWWW. Heyman says RVD is officially the new WWE champ and the decision stands (so why did Heyman make the count and not a ref? Felt like they set up for something then changed their minds). Cena says if anyone can show up at ECW then he’ll see you on Sci-Fi.

We’re at Trenton, NJ and the commentators are Tazz & Joey Styles. There’s a lot of ECW signs in the crowd and they’re all spelled correctly so they can’t all be plants.

Heyman introduces your new WWE Champ RVD. Crowd cheers RVD and boos Cena and the belt. RVD isn’t scared of Cena and hope he does show up tonight. I like the idea of the renegade new brand guy winning the title and daring the WWE guy to fight him on his own turf. Imagine someone from NXT doing it in 2016. Heyman also declares RVD the new ECW Champion too and presents him the old title. Some loud fans want RVD to pull a Shane Douglas and throw the WWE belt down but instead RVD decides to keep both.

”This is the ECW Championship and I will wear it proudly. And look at this one. It spins!”

Edge’s music plays and Heyman calls him the number one contender. Edge respects RVD as they’re both MITB winners and casher-in-ers and can’t wait to tear the house down with him at Vengeance. Then he spears RVD. Ha! He then walks through the crowd so he can avoid the ECW locker room but bumps into Cena who is also entering via the crowd. Everyone brawls, Heyman gets punched by Cena and the locker room chases Cena away.

When we come back, Heyman’s in the back talking to the NEW BREED UNLEASHED. All the wrestlers are simply nodding and agreeing with Heyman like minions like he’s Dr. Moreau and they’re his pig-men.

The Zombie vs. The Sandman
If you have any memory of this show, this is probably it. So the Sci-Fi channel requested there be something sci-fi related on the show to appease the regular viewers who weren’t thrilled wrestling was being added to the channel (they were probably sick of those NEW BREED UNLEASHED adverts like the rest of us). WWE suggested they use a character called The Martian but the bosses at Sci-Fi declined, either because Zombies were more popular or because they thought WWE were making fun of them. So out comes a crap Zombie (with hands out-stretched and blue skin) as the commentators shit all over it.

Taz: ”Is this a rib? This certainly isn’t a NEW BREED UNLEASHED.”

Zombie grabs the mic and makes zombie noises as Styles & Tazz continue to commenhate. The Sandman’s horrible music plays and he enters through the crowd (which doesn’t have the same effect when Cena & Edge have done the same a few minutes ago). Sandman’s not smoking, apparently because Vince McMahon thought good guys shouldn’t smoke. He was years ahead of Hollywood.

Sandman eventually enters, canes Zombie a few times and pins him with the White Russian Leg Sweep and that’s it.

Winner: The Sandman (At least they were keeping the spirit of ECW alive by biting the hand that fed them).

The wrestler who played The Zombie died a few years ago. It’s unknown if it was via headshot or helicopter blades.

Kelly Kelly is here. ”I’m an exhibitionist which means I’m going to take off all my clothes for you tonight.” Kelly’s on this show too? ZOMBIE, COME BACK.

Advert for Vengeance PPV and the D-X Reunion vs. the Spirit Squad. Which headlined.

We get the entire Tazz vs. Lawler match from Sunday. Aye cheers. It shows how cool the atmosphere was compared to the pre-Smackdown crowd they have here.

Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible
The last thing Credible was involved in before this was no-showing The Impact Players reunion for 1PW. Only in wrestling can you go from fucking up to success within a month (and if you’re RVD, vice versa).

Credible’s wearing the ECW shirt with cut-off sleeves so he may as well just pin himself and save us a match. Angle The Wrestling Machine destroys Credible with amateur Wrestling takedowns and casually tosses him out of the ring. Credible gets taken down and playfully slapped on the back of his shiny head. Credible shoves Angle and he gets the Zidane Special. Angle gets the tap-out via Reverse Choke.

Winner: Kurt Angle (I’m all for squash matches if they make the squasher look impressive. Credible’s a WWE jobber on the C-show so his career has come full circle)

Angle threatens Orton for their rematch at Vengeance. The commentators hype up Angle using a choke to win, because chokes are legal in ECW but illegal in WWE. That’s a cool idea that works for Sandman not being able to use weapons on Raw or something, but the answer for ”HOW CAN ANGLE BEAT ORTON IF THE PPV MATCH IF HE CAN’T USE HIS CHOKE?” is simply ”by using the Ankle Lock or some other perfectly legal hold.”

Heyman tells us he’s throwing everything he had planned for the show out the window and he’s having an EXTREME Battle Royal instead. I swear half of these segments have to be ribs on Heyman. The commentators lose another blow of credibility by trying to sell the amazing idea of an EXTREME Battle Royal. ”Can you imagine???”

More groundbreakingly subtle Kelly Kelly segments.

Advert of the ECW Rise & Fall of ECW book. I forgot that existed, any good?

Outside the arena we see a guy with fangs pulling faces so he must be a vampire. He’s about as convincing as Dracula Gottfried.

Styles: ”Tonight the NEW BREED UNLEASHED!”

Kelly Kelly is here to strip. With this, the D-X reunion and ECW you can tell 2006 was a hard attempt at re-doing an Attitude Era. Kelly the exhibitionist struggles with taking off her bra, cups her breasts then walks off. Oh.

I wonder if Meltzer rated that segment like he rated the Rude/Warrior pose-off. Crowd seem confused why there was a woman stripping but the ring wasn’t being fixed.

Tazz: ”It’s a NEW BREED UNLEASHED alright!”

EXTREME Battle Royal, winner gets John Cena at Vengeance
(Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Roadkill, Danny Doring, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, Little Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Balls Mahoney, Big Show)

Tazz: ”It’s the first battle royal in history where all weapons are legal!” I’m not going to even bother with that. Big Show pushes everyone out via the middle rope so they can grab weapons helpfully placed at ringside. Roadkill takes a Fallaway Slam and we go to break. When we come back there’s shite everywhere and people are getting twatted. Crowd chants ”ECW” but it’s just mindless twatting. Sabu sets up a table at ringside as the NEW BREED UNLEASHED try to out-twat Big Show but he’s too Big and he eliminates Snow, Richards, Doring & Roadkill. Show attempts a Camel Clutch slam but Balls sandbags him.

Tazz: ”That was pretty impressive!”

Balls gets tossed. Sabu uses Dreamer to try Air Sabu but Show ignores it because he’s too big and press slams Dreamer over the top rope and through the table. Show press slams Mamaluke, which is a dream squash match waiting to happen and Guido/Mamaluke are out. Show goes hoss-to-hoss with Big Guido and Show puts him out, but he holds onto him from the outside and allows Sabu to dump him for the win.

Winner: Sabu (I hated this. I hated the commentators hyping cookie trays being used in a battle royal by THE NEW BREED UNLEASHED as a crazy concept, hated the shitty spots, hated the realisation that the majority of the roster are there to make up the numbers and hated Sabu only winning because Big Fucking Guido of all people assisted him like Sid at Rumble ’92. But apart from that it was alright.)

Overall: Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface in the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre) used to tell a story about how he was contacted to reprise the role in the 2003 remake. The Director him it was going to be ”a psychological thriller, not a bloodbath like the original”. Gunnar didn’t take the role as he realised the person in charge had either not seen the original or they didn’t get it.

ECW on Sci-Fi was a remake of a film by someone who had only seen a poster of the original.

Highlight: IT SPINS