BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Welcome to BOD Raw!

The lights go out! Spotlight! And there he is! The former #1 Contender to the BOD World Title, John Petuka, steps out into the spotlight on his crutches, a tear in his eye! He’s accompanied by Kbjone, who helps his former partner in the Upper-Midcard Express get into the ring. ‘Petuka!’ is the chant from the crowd as John surveys the legions of fans in the BOD Arena. Finally, he raises a microphone:

Petuka: Let’s make this quick, okay? I hate speeches, so let’s just put it on the table. Last week, my knee was further injured by an attack from Kensington Enterprises. And I’ll never forget the look on the doctor’s face when he told me that I was on the shelf for a long time, possibly permanently. I think I took it pretty well. (Pause) I gave him a PETUKA BAZOOKA through the operating table.

The crowd and Kbjone laugh as Petuka grins, then shakes his head.

Petuka: I’m not here to cry about it. Let’s face it, I did my fair share of dastardly stuff in and out of this ring. I made my decision and told the big man from Saskatoon who I wanted to represent me, who I felt like….well, look. I never quite went with the white knight stuff, nor did I really think much of those who did. But I’ll always recognize courage. I’ll always recognize toughness. And with that in mind, I made the only call I could, and based on what happened, it looks like I chose wisely. So, ladies and gentlemen, before I take my leave, know that I’ll be back someday, and that it actually feels surprisingly good to introduce the #1 Contender to the BOD World title, a man who earned it almost as much as I did – AndyPG!

The crowd goes wild as AndyPG makes his way to the ring, sliding in under the ropes. He shakes John’s hand and gives him a side hug, then stares down Kbjone; Kbjone looks down and laughs, then tosses his chair aside and shakes Andy’s hand. AndyPG gives a little chuckle and steps back, and takes the mic from Petuka’s hand.

AndyPG: John, whenever you come back, if I’ve got that belt, you get your title shot. I’m a man of my word. The word that comes to mind for me is grateful. I know that when I got that call and came to BOD Fastlane, the butterflies in my stomach were flying. I know that at the end of the day, it’s a mark of respect that John chose me to represent him as we finally try to end the stranglehold of Kensington Enterprises once and for all here in the BOD. I worked my ass off for this shot, BOD, but I don’t care how corny this sounds; the fact that Petuka thought that I was the one to carry his banner forward, the fact that he had that confidence in me to win this thing, that meant more than the BOD Rumble win ever would. (Pause) And now, there’s only one thing left to do, and that’s finish off Kensington once and for all! And with that in mind, I’d like to invite one other person to this little party, and that’s the man who will face Biff Kensington at BODMania III – the man that fought by my side in BOD Wargames, the man that may, in fact, be crazy, so I’m glad he’s on my side; Robert Davis!

‘Welcome to Hell! Welcome to Riverdale!’ plays over the loudspeakers as Robert Davis, brandishing Jughead, and Archie Stackhouse make their way to the ring. Davis gestures for the mic:

Davis: Biff Kensington, your arrogance has finally brought about your destruction. You mocked the prophet who gave you leave to change your ways, and now you will lie at my feet, the price of your ignorance paid in blood! The streets of Riverdale danced after Fastlane, Biff, they danced because they felt the shining light of our sun-drenched streets would finally open those eyes that cannot see, and they will only see the color red. I will baptize you, Biff Kensington, and in your baptism of blood, you shall finally….know peace.

Wait! That’s the music of Kensington Enterprises, and here they are! Biff Kensington, looking supremely confident, leads Hoss, Extant1979, Curtzerker and Tommy Hall to the ramp, smiling. Hoss and Extant have been separated, and Extant is sneaking glares the World Heavyweight champ.

Biff: Well, look at this motley crew! I think there’s been a little misunderstanding. (Biff paces to end of the line) I think you’ve forgotten who we are! I think that you need to be reintroduced to the men who have ruled the entire BOD since Summerslam! Well, except you, Petuka; how’s the leg, by the way? (The rest of Kensington snickers, except for Hoss) You know, it’s amusing to me; for months, it’s been all about Vinson, or Abeyance, or AndyPG or John Petuka or Kbjone or you Riverdale freaks; but you’ve FORGOTTEN who holds all the gold and all the power in the BOD! You’ve forgotten this man (Pointing to Extant1979), not only the smartest wrestler to ever cross those ropes, the man who not only holds but had the right to re-christen a belt just because he’s the champ: the A+ Champ himself, Extant1979! I think you’ve forgotten this man (Pointing to Tommy Hall), the man who has held the prestigious Writer’s Title longer than anyone, the master of all things E-Book, the Writer’s Champ, Tommy Hall! And (putting his arms around both members) you’ve clearly forgotten about the most dominant tag champs in the history of the BOD, the BOD Tag Team Champions, Curtzerker! And, finally, (He jerks his thumb over his shoulder at Hoss) the man who has defeated all comers, the man who has maintained an ice cream like vice grip on the BOD World Title, Hoss! You see all this gold, BOYS? That’s gold that’s held by the best in the business, because that’s what Biff Kensington stands for – the BEST. These are our titles, and you’ll never take them unless we decide we’re done with them!

AndyPG: No one has forgotten anything, Biff. Hey Hoss, how’s that chin doing after Extant superkicked you into next week at Fastlane?

Hoss looks to get the mic, but Biff won’t give it up. He’s on a roll.

Biff: Stay out of Kensington business, PG. I want each and every one of you to take a look at John Petuka. I want you to see what happens when you cross Kensington….tragic accidents. I want you to remember that for the next few weeks, as we approach BODMania, that an accident can befall any of you at any time. I want you to remember that everyone loved Petuka, everyone thought all his antics were amusing, and that all these peons in the audience loved him when he won the Rumble; and then I want you to look at him. And I want you to think about that while you’re walking backstage, while you’re in airport, while you’re at some two-bit autograph session. Kensington is ALWAYS watching, boys, and the instant you let your guard down….well, that’s when the MRIs start. It’s BODMania season, and we’re not fooling around. Kensington, let’s go – we’re done here.

Biff throws down the mic and starts to herd the rest of the Enterprises to the back.

AndyPG: Hey Biff, before you go, let me tell you something – at BODMania III, it all goes away. Every last stitch of that gold is going to be gone. We’re burning you to the ground, Kensington. The debts have been called in, and I’m going to make it my mission to ensure that you leave with nothing!

Biff laughs at Andy as he’s leaving. The rest of the wrestlers look to clear the ring, but Petuka stops them.

Petuka: Hey, before you all go, my surgery takes place in two days. So, before that happens….one more time!

They look confused, but then the lights go out! Spotlight on the wrestlers in the ring….Petuka takes a deep breath, single tear running down his cheek, and raises his hand….BANG! There it is! The banner has been unfurled! But what does it say? “BODMania III….the Fall of Kensington Enterprises” is the message! The crowd goes crazy as everyone POINTS TO THE SIGN!!!

Petuka is the last man to leave the ring, and the crowd gives him a standing ovation. When will we see him again?

Kaptain Kiwi vs. Diddly

The Brothers Garea are at ringside. A few Anchor Cheese representatives are also in attendance for this match. Kiwi starts off in control with a deadly arm wringer. Look at the extra torque on that! Diddly uses an eye rake to escape as the Brothers Garea look on with worry. Diddly scoops up Kiwi for a slam but misses an elbow drop as Kiwi is now back on offense. He hammers away then its…….the…………….FIVE MOVES OF SNOOZE. Garea pulls up Diddly and slaps on the Garea Stretch and gets the submission win. But wait a minute! Garea is not breaking the hold! The Brothers Garea finally head inside the ring as Tony pleads with Kiwi to let go of the deadly move. Garea relinquishes as Tony is taken aback at the rage his protege just showed.

A limo pulls up to the arena. And there’s Jef Vinson! The former World Heavyweight Champion has arrived with his lovely valet, and Wade Michael rushes up to meet him.

Wade: Jef, what do you want to say to the fans about the events of Fastlane last week? How are you feeling right now about the return of AndyPG and your loss to him?

Vinson glares at Wade, then grabs the mic.

Vinson: I’ll do my talking in the ring, later. Get out of my face.

He shoves the mic back into Wade, causing him to fall backwards, and strides in to the BOD Arena. Wade stares after him, perturbed.

Lets check in on GM and dumb fuck Bobby Bayless:

(Bobby Walks into his office with his Donald Trump “Make America Great” hat and sees his cousin)

Bobby: Hey pal! Let’s make America great again!

Brian: We have a better chance of that happening if you stay home election day.

Bobby: (blank stare)

Brian: Nevermind. Look, Bobby, your “all hands on deck” thing, its not happening tonight.

Bobby: What!

Brian: Bobby, I have better news. In fact I have great news. Bobby, tonight, you get to see your friends Randy, Corky, and Jimmy, the jokester.

Bobby: (ecstatic) My pals!

Brian: I have a driver who is going to take you guys in the Wienermobile to the arcade.

Bobby: You are the best! (Bobby leaves as Brian pulls out his phone and dials someone

Back in the Kensington War Room, Biff and Extant are talking in the corner while Curtzerker provide a literary critique to Tommy Hall on his latest e-book.

Biff: I understand, but we’ve got to just let events play out right now. The most important thing is keeping the titles.

Extant: And that, Biff, is something that wouldn’t even be happening were it not for that ignoramus that you call a World Champion signing a contract without your knowledge. Once again, I question the wisdom of making that simpleton the World Champ when you had the option of elevating the smartest man in wrestling to that position. But remember, Biff, I agreed to do what was necessary for the whole of Kensington; I’ve been a team player the whole time.

Biff: No one is arguing that, Extant. I’d be lying if I said I’m thrilled with how things have worked out, but these are the cards. So we have to play them.

Extant: Ah, a poker reference. How delightfully droll.

Biff: Well, I at least have my lawyers trying to get Hoss out of facing PG, so that might….

Hoss walks up, having overheard Biff.

Hoss: What about AndyPG?

Biff: Hoss, don’t worry about it. Let me handle that type of stuff.

Hoss: I want AndyPG. I will face AndyPG.

Biff: You might not have to do that. My lawyers-

Hoss: I WANT ANDYPG. AND ICE CREAM.

Extant: (under his breath) Of course you do, you nincompoop.

Hoss turns to Extant, but this time, Extant isn’t backing down. He looks up at Hoss, eye to eye; Biff steps in the middle of them.

Biff: It’s fine. It’s fine! Hoss, if you want Andy, you can have him. Now, we need to talk about Extant’s No-DQ match with Kbjone. We need a plan.

Extant: What about you, Biff? What about Robert Davis?

Biff: You don’t honestly think that Robert Davis is going to make it to the show, do you? Don’t worry about that, I’ve got that taken care of.

Once again, Biff and Extant walk away from Hoss as friction continues in Kensington.

BoD Southern Maryland Six-Man Titles: Job Mob (c) vs. Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson & Bop Watkins

With Four on special assignment, Jobber has taken his place. Sexy Yano starts off but first puts down 21 Championship belts. Jobber sparks a blunt on the apron and tells Munson to take a hit. He approaches but Chartock boots him in the face. Jobber laughs as Yano stomps away. Barlow tags and misses a punch as Yano boots him low then whips him over to Jobber, who blows smoke in his face before Yano puts him away with a piledriver. After the match, Jobber takes the mic:

“(Finishes the blunt) BoD Mania is just two weeks away and I do not have a match. So, at BoD Roadblock, I am issuing an open challenge for anyone to face me at BoD Mania III. I’m doing this to give someone the rub, a chance to put over others, not at all to stroke my own ego. Listen, we gotta party and the Job Mob needs challengers for the BoD Northwest Northwestern Panama Six-Man Titles at BoD Mania, which you can find about on Yano’s Periscope account.”

AndyPG is walking in the back, but stops short as he sees Abeyance staring at him. Abeyance walks up and stares him down.

Abeyance: So, it’s you. We bled together, we fought together, we were both betrayed by the same guys, but it’s you. Not the former World Champ, not the guy who never got his rematch. You.

AndyPG: Abeyance, I-

Abeyance pokes him in the chest.

Abeyance: Good luck, Andy. (As he walks away) A reckoning is coming, AndyPG. A reckoning for those who were forgotten, those who were ignored. It’s coming.

Abeyance disappears into the bowels of the BOD Arena, while Andy looks at his retreating figure, frowning.

BoD Tag Team Titles: Curtzerker (c) w/ Biff Kensington vs. The Upvoters

The HUSS Section is all riled up tonight! The Upvoters, sponsored by Burger King’s Grilled Chili Dogs, come out with a positive attitude. The Upvoters take control of the match as they work over Williams. The HUSS Section is in full force as Kenny works the arm. Williams escapes as the Berzerker tags in but misses a clothesline and eats a dropkick. Danimal tags and hammers away but gets distracted by Biff and turns around to meet a big boot. Curtzerker now beats on Danimal as Kenny cheers on from the apron. Danimal escapes a leg drop by Williams and goes for the tag but Biff jumps up on the apron to distract the referee as Kenny chases him off but eats a boot by Berzerker. Kenny tumbles outside as Biff drags him over and handcuffs him while Danimal is getting assaulted. Berzerker hits Danimal with a HUSS RUSH then Williams locks on the HUSS Lock as Kenny is cuffed to the outside. What’s that! I hear a horn and its the Chrysler Lebaron! STRIKE FORCE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! Matt Indeed and Mar Solo are pumping their fist while wearing white windbreaker. Curtzerker and Biff are in shock. Matt Indeed jumps off the Lebaron and runs inside to hit Williams with a flying forearm as Mar Solo, fresh out of rehab, is guzzling coffee and generally spazzing out. Biff leads his team to the aisle as the Berzerker attempts to go to the HUSS Section, who are welcoming him with open arms. Strike Force is back! And we just learned that Strike Force will be facing Curtzerker at BoD Mania III for the Tag Team Titles.

And that’s the music of Jef Vinson! He and his lovely valet head towards the ring, and Jef grabs a mic quickly.

Vinson: There’s only one person I want to see right now, and it’s not any of you morons! Get out here, AndyPG!

AndyPG walks out to the ramp, mic in hand and a big grin on his face.

Vinson: I’ll make this short and simple, Andy – you know I wasn’t ready for you at Fastlane. And you know that it wasn’t fair! And frankly, since you’re all about sportsmanship and fairness these days, you know deep down that the right thing to do is to give me another shot at your title shot, next week on BOD Raw!

AndyPG chuckles.

Andy: Jef Vinson. It’s been a hell of a year, hasn’t it? Can I tell you a story, Jef?

Vinson: Quit stalling, Andy. Sign up for the beating that you deserve.

Andy: ‘Deserve.’ Now that is an interesting word, Jef. Well, let me tell you that story now. It’s a story about a decent man who worked hard for something, who left it all on the table to get that thing. It’s a story of a man reaching his full potential, of a man who was an inspiration to everyone around him.

Vinson: Cut the crap, Andy. Yes, we get it, you’re all about inspiration. Stop it and give me an answer, or I’ll just come up and beat it out of you.

Andy: Oh, Vinson. I wasn’t talking about me; I was talking about you. I remember watching your run to the World Title last year. I remember Jobber throwing the entire Job Mob at you, and I remember how you overcame them all to win that belt at BODMania. And I said to myself, that’s who I want to be. I want to be the guy who stands up in the face of incredible odds and wins. And that’s why I followed you in your war against Kensington, Jef. I believed in you.

Vinson: So sorry that I let you down, PG.

Andy: Well now, Jef, I haven’t finished my story yet. See, Jef, this story is about a man who overcame all the odds, yes, but then he fell in love with something else; he fell in love with all the things that came with overcoming those odds. The money. The power. The women. And then, after he got screwed by someone who was more powerful than he was, after he lost everything, something changed. And Jef, I have to confess, I didn’t understand that! I mean, I get how much you enjoyed those things, but you lost yourself somewhere in it all. And when you did, you lost what it meant to be that person.

Vinson: Get to the point, Andy. I’m getting bored here.

Andy: Sure, Jef. Anything for you. So, while it was all going on, I noticed that you never changed your lifestyle. You lost your endorsements, you lost your title, you should have lost everything! But they were still there. The private planes. The limos. Your (ahem) valet. And I said to myself, how is Jef keeping up this lifestyle? So, Jef, I had someone look into those things. I said to myself, who would have a vested interest in Jef Vinson still being rich? And then, I found out. While I was in my hospital bed, the info came back to me. There’s only one man in the BOD that could ‘afford’ to keep you as his pet, isn’t there Jef? And that’s where this story ends, BOD; it ends with a man clinging to material things because he can’t get back the things he lost. A man who forgot who he was, and decided that to hold on to what was left by making a deal with the devil. A devil….named Biff.

Vinson: Andy-

Andy: How long have you been under Kensington’s thumb, Jef? I’m guessing since we lost Wargames, right? I know he’s been paying you off, Vinson! I know that he’s been telling you attack everyone that is a threat to him! I know that’s why you took out Abeyance, why you tried to take out Petuka, why you took out me! That’s right, BOD; Jef Vinson is nothing more than Biff Kensington’s bitch!

Vinson: Who I associate with is none of your business!

Andy: How did it feel, Jef? To go to him, hat in hand, and say ‘please sir, can I help you with anything you want, as long as you pay for my planes and limos and resorts?’ Did it feel like eating dirt, Vinson? Did you swallow your pride, or….other things whenever he asked?

Vinson: That’s really classy, Andy. You have no idea! I did what I had to do, and I’m not going to apologize for it! My life is my business, and frankly, you aren’t on my level enough to make any judgments about it! And you know what? I’ll gladly cop to it! Kensington at least understood that a man of my caliber deserved certain things, and our business arrangement has been mutually beneficial to both parties. The only thing that I regret is that I didn’t cripple you like I did Petuka! Now, do I have to cripple you here and now, or are you ready to put that title shot on the line like a man?

Andy laughs.

Andy: Jef, my dear old friend, I’d LOVE to put the title shot on the line. Hell, I’d be more than happy to! But the problem is that you already have a match for BODMania III!

Vinson: What are you talking about?

Andy: Jef, I told you I sent someone out there to get the information for me. And I knew that since I was dealing with scum, I needed someone who could be….forceful when it came to getting the info. And I found someone else who was screwed over by Jef Vinson, someone who wanted him just as badly as I did. And I would say that he was wildly successful in his mission. So Jef, I’ll even grant you this: if you somehow survive BODMania and I win the World Title, then I’ll give you a title shot. But first you have to survive BODMania III against the man that you screwed out of the World Title at TLC! Your opponent for BODMania III is….MATTHEW MAYNARD ADAMS!!!!

OH MY GOD! There he is! He hasn’t been seen since TLC! Matthew Maynard Adams walks out to the ramp, staring a hole in Jef Vinson, who swallows in the ring as he sees this hulking man. Adams starts to slowly walk towards the ring as Vinson and his valet freak out! Vinson is going to run for it! He heads towards the barricade, but now Adams isn’t walking…he’s running! The normally stoic Adams takes off chasing after Vinson, catching him before he gets all the way over the barricade! He tosses Jef back in the ring and proceeds to beat him from pillar to post, rights, lefts, a big lariat! Vinson’s valet comes in from behind, she hits Adams with the loaded purse! No effect! Adams just turns around and stares at her, and she runs for it! He turns back around….into a Vinson superkick! NO EFFECT! Adams levels Vinson with a huge right hand and gets him up…..ADAMSMASHER to Jef Vinson! Vinson is unconscious on the mat as Adams stands up and raises his arms! Matthew Maynard Adams is back, and he’s here for Jef Vinson at BODMania III!!!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR BOD RAW!!!!!