BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Tonight, our main event will feature the #1 and 2 entrants in the BOD Rumble, John Petuka and AndyPG, taking on the World Champion Hoss and his stablemate, the A+ Champion Extant1979! Wade Michael will finally try to get some answers from Jef Vinson about his actions over the last month! The #1 Contender to the World Title, Kbjone hasn’t been seen all day; is the chairman of the BOD laying low before his title match at the BOD Rumble? What are the chances that this will be a better go-home show than WWE Raw? Let’s find out, on BOD Raw!

The camera is with John Petuka, who looks serious but determined.

Petuka: I started something a while ago, and a lot of people doubted that it would ever come to fruition. They thought it was a joke, they thought it was something to mock me for. But you know what I’ve noticed? All of a sudden, I’m getting attacked in locker rooms to prevent me from being a late number in the Rumble. I’m being put in matches where I have to be the #1 guy in the Rumble. And I can’t help but wonder….why would they do all this if they weren’t truly afraid of Petuka? Yeah, you can say all you want, Kensingtons of the world, but you know the truly dangerous thing about me, don’t you? And that’s this – I’m not fighting for a higher purpose. I don’t have the added pressure of anyone but myself. The fact is that I didn’t start this whole thing as a joke – I started it to push myself to the heights I knew that I was capable of. And the fact is that I’ve almost gotten to the first summit of the mountain, and that’s the BOD Rumble. So you can all say what you want about John Petuka, you can make fun of him with your words, because your actions show me the truth. You’re all afraid of what John Petuka represents, the man who can push himself to be the best because he wants it more than anyone else. I’m no hero, BOD, and I don’t want to be. I just plan to kick everyone’s ass and become the World Champion. So I don’t care if it’s you, AndyPG at #1, or you, Vinson, at #30, the last man standing in the BOD Rumble? It’s going to be John Petuka.

Assistant GM Justice Gray heads out to the ring, flanked by Rockstar Gary and Big D Wangston. Lets hear what he has to say:

“The BoD Board of Directors have just voted to institute a drug-testing policy. Effective immediately, random drug testing will occur and first offenders will be suspended for 30 days. (Camera pans to the intoxicated duo of Rockstar Gary & Big D, who pulls out a flask that Rockstar Gary yanks out of his hands as they are rolling around on the mat). The BoD is a safe environment that cannot take any chances of people working while inebriated (Big D & Gary slug it out in the background over the flask, despite the fact they are pulling out nips to drink in the process). You the fans deserve to see your favorites not only in peak physical condition (Rockstar Gary & Big D pause, on the verge of vomiting) but also in top mental condition as well (Neither guy vomits as they go back to drinking). I hope you all enjoy the show (Gray leaves as Gary & Big D are stumbling behind him).”

Backstage, Brian Bayless walks into his cousin, GM and dumb fuck Bobby Bayless:

Brian: Bobby, a drug testing policy? We are losing stars here left and right, even the straight edge ones that wouldnt fail a drug test.

Bobby: They should all be in the gym working on their thighs, just like you! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: What is your obsession with thighs anyway? Back to the matter at hand, what other surprises do you have in store for tonight? Or the Rumble?

Bobby: A big one!

Brian: Okay, what is the surprise?

Bobby: Fast Eddie’s friend is going to be the announcer!

Brian: What? Who the hell is that?

Bobby: Its Inappropriate Al!

Brian: Oh god, the shitty comedian. The guy is just some dumb cokehead

Bobby: What’s wrong with that? You like Pepsi, pal!

(Hilda barrels in with a bucket of KFC and a large drink)

Hilda: I like Pepsi too!

Bobby: Yeah you do girl! (Bobby & Hilda walk away)

Brian: (shakes his head) I cant believe I am related to this moron.

Lets head back to the Robbinsdale, MN American Legion Post members only side where Biscuit’s Royal Rumble Party is underway:

(We have a dozen or so guys at the Members only bar. Biscuit is drinking a Boilermaker as there is commotion everywhere)

Grizzled Jeff: Hey! (pulls out a switchblade in front of the DJ, who is regular bartender Eddie.) Play Jessie’s Girl!

Eddie: I belong behind a bar dammit! I’m not a sound engineer (Eddie has three compilation tapes to play on his early 1990’s Aiwa cassette/CD combo player with detachable speakers). God damn Lou said he was sick and didnt bring his fancy CD collection. He should be here behind this hi-tech system. I know he is faking so he can get a free prime rib dinner at the Elks! Well, fuck them and their new pool table!

Grizzled Jeff: You aint no bartender and where is Donny to check out that machine! And, all’s you do is open beers and make Boilermakers for Biscuit. Like you know how to make them faggy drinks with the umbrellas.

Eddie: Don’t you fucking tell me how to run my bar! (The two almost come to blows)

Biscuit: (Fed up) Hey! My head hurts and I dont wanna waste all my Aspirin because you two wont shut the fuck up!

Eddie & Grizzled Jeff: Sorry!

Biscuit: I got to deal with 29 other guys all better than you!

Grizzled Jeff: What’s a matter. Too fancy to work here anymore. I’ll show you, big shot! (Motions to “Grappling” Greg Gunderson and Smoky Joe to put the ring together)

Biscuit: I’ll work in the middle of Trunk Highway to kick your ass!

Eddie: Biscuit, you better let Donny check you out.

Biscuit: He’s a mechanic and I am fine!

Grizzled Jeff: What’s a matter, you too fancy for Donny!

Biscuit: Fuck you!!! (Grabs a pool stick and swings but misses and falls down and appears in distress).

Eddie: Someone get Donny!

Biscuit: (Pulls himself up) I am fine. (Sips his Boilermaker) C’mon Jeff, lets do this (Puts up his dukes but instead of confronting Jeff, he is laying into the Softball Team signup sheet on the wall).

“Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten & DBSM w/ The Posse vs. “Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn & Kaptain Kiwi

The mounties are here as Cuppie is currently held captive at an undisclosed location. Kaptain Kiwi stares down DBSM, as the posse taunts Kiwi. Match starts with DBSM and the Canadian Dream, who is now being taunted with “Daigle” chants from the Pride of Canada and the Posse. DBSM gets too cocky after gaining the advantage, allowing the Canadian Dream to gain control. Kiwi tags and immediately goes for the Garea Stretch but DBSM scampers outside. The Pride of Canada yells at his opponents, who are waving them on in the ring. Instead, the Pride of Canada & DBSM smirk as they walk out back, with the mounties and Posse following. All of a sudden, the lights go out and the BoDTron 100 lights up. We see a message:

“Last week, a picture was texted to the CEO of Anchor Cheese. The picture, of a male genitalia was sent from a phone registered from the Garea family. As a result, Anchor Cheese has suspended all talks with the Garea Family, including Kaptain Kiwi”

What? This does not sound like something the Garea Family would do. The fans are confused as Kiwi does the famous Garea Death Stare. And what is this other video:

“The camera pans out as we see Cuppie, who is in an Alexandre Daigle jersey with the word “Daigle” Written all over his costume. Primetime Enters and tells Cuppie it is feeding time as he takes out another rancid Chicken Salad sub from Mr. Sub and has the Mounties shock stick, which he is about to use as the video cuts out.”

The lights appear back on as the Canadian Dream and Kaptain Kiwi cannot believe what they have just seen. The fans are also in shock. How will these two overcome their current obstacles?

In the back, Wade Michael has caught up with Abeyance.

Wade: Abeyance, you’ve promised to be in the corner of AndyPG tonight. Is it fair to say that your friendship is back on track after you flattened him with an elbow less than a month ago on this very program?

Abeyance: Wade, Andy and I are MEN; he knows that what I did was just business. Besides, there’s something going on here tonight that worries me. I’m not leaving Andy out there on his own, and I sure as hell don’t trust Petuka to help him out. Besides that, with Hoss and Extant on the other side of the ring, who knows where kbjone will be? If I remember correctly, he doesn’t like Andy either.

Wade: I thought they settled their differences, Abeyance.

Abeyance: Putting aside differences isn’t the same as settling, Wade. Yeah, they’ve been forced to work together like we all have because of Kensington, but no one has forgotten all the chairshots. Trust me.

Wade: Well, be that as it may, the BOD Rumble is this Sunday. Now, thanks to your loss at Wargames, both you and AndyPG must win the Rumble to get a shot at Hoss and his World Title. Obviously, Jef Vinson is in the same situation. Does that add pressure, knowing that you need a win here?

Abeyance: Add pressure? It relieves it, Wade! There’s no other option but to win. And like I said, myself and Andy are men; if one of us has to throw the other over the top, that’s what has to happen. As for Jef Vinson, I only hope that there’s a piece left for me, since I fully expect that the moment that the crowd counts down for the number 30, whoever is in that ring is going to rip him limb from limb the instant he walks that aisle. (Pause) You know, Wade, 2015 has been Vinson’s year in a lot of ways, but it’s also been mine. I won my first World Title this year, and now that I’ve got a taste for it, I’m like a tiger who’s tasted human blood; and come Sunday, I plan to hunt 29 other men. Thanks, Wade.

The Job Mob, sans Four, are hanging out backstage:

Jobber: Can you believe they are drug testing here?

Sexy Tanahashi: Actually, I can

Jobber: Well, that means you cannot H-Bomb Munson & Barlow anymore for our entertainment. They gotta take our piss tests.

Sexy Tanahashi: Man, they are the #1 draw for my Periscope Account. (Shows Jobber a video of ST lighting bottle rockets off at a passed out Barlow).

Jobber: Fuck, where was I for that?

Chartock: Blowing lines in the club bathroom?

Jobber: Sounds about right.

(Brian Bayless walks by)

Jobber: Brian, whats up with this drug testing?

Brian: No idea, man. My cousin didnt fight for it.

(Bobby Bayless walks by with Hilda)

Bobby: Hey Jobber! (Motions to Brian) What’s wrong? Better get this guy a Pepsi, because he isnt a Cokehead like me. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

(Everyone looks at Bobby like the dumb fuck that he is)

The Adventures of the Men With Macklin continues, despite the fact Marv is missing:

Mears: Where is Marv?

Duck: I don’t know (Goes back to watching No Way Out 2005)

Mears: First, we lose Art and now, we lose Marv.

Duck: (Flips through big notebook of wrestling attire) This is not the best ensemble from Mark Jindrak.

Mears: God dammit! (finishes his last beer) That was my last beer. Lets go to the store to get some more.

Duck: Okay (Now he is unimpressed with Shannon Moore’s attire)

In the back, a camera catches up to AndyPG, who raises his head….and smiles.

AndyPG: You know, it’s been a long road to get to this point. There’s a part of me that wishes we hadn’t gone down it. Because, for all that’s happened, I’m still a guy who likes to believe in people. I’m still a man who believes in the value of working towards a common goal, and not cutting every throat necessary to get ahead. Some of my opponents have mocked me for being a white knight, or having a complex about being a hero; since when did doing the right thing make anyone a ‘hero’? Since when does integrity require a special label? I come from a world where that isn’t something special to be celebrated, I come from a place where it should be expected from any real man. And yet, here I am, in this world, in a place where integrity takes a back seat to greed. Where the souls of men are bought and paid for. It’s been a hard thing for me to see that the world of handshakes and respect may not exist anymore. But GODDAMNIT, I don’t care! I will NOT sell out my values, I will NOT demean my own character to get ahead! At the BOD Rumble, I’m glad I’m starting with Petuka, I really am. Because Petuka, for better or worse, makes no claims about being anybody other than who he is. At least he’s worthy of my respect for that if nothing else. But I know that the real prize happens when 28 other men have fallen and that bell sounds for #30 to come out; Jef Vinson, it’s been a long year for me and you. And now, with your true self laid bare for all to see, you’ll have to kill me and throw my dead body over the top rope, because that’s the only way you’re going to stop me from getting my hands on your throat; I plan for you to be the last man I toss out to become the #1 contender to the World Title. And Jef, let me tell you something – you don’t even need to win this match, because once I beat Hoss for the World Championship after I win the Rumble, well, you’re going to get your rematch for that championship. But it’ll be against me, Vinson. And that’s when we’re truly going to settle this thing, once….and for all.

Folks, the Stranger in the Alps training video is finally airing. Jimmy the Agent signed a one-time offer to let this happen. Roll the tape:

(The scene is the local elementary school, where Stranger is with Jimby and Mr. Statan Jr. After finishing their breakfast donairs, they head out on a jog. The song “Break my Stride” by Matthew Wilder plays as the three start jogging, with Jimmy the Agent struggling to keep up. More kids and old ladies see Stranger and start to join. Jimmy the Agent gets stuck behind two motorized scooters until a third runs over his foot. Stranger then backtracks as he sees a Papa John’s. After ordering pulled pork pizza’s for everyone, Stranger then stops to show the visiting regional manager the best way to streamline the product with an impromptu Power Point presentation. After the success of that, they all leave to continue their run while Jimmy the Agent finally arrives, only to see there is no more pizza left. A tired Jimmy collapses as we see Stranger and his gang of grannies and youngsters go around town, picking up more along the way. They finally reach their destination, a baseball field, and gather around homeplate to congratulate Stranger, who holds up Jimby and Mr. Statan Jr. on each shoulder as the old ladies in motorized scooters circle around while Jimmy the Agent is crawling in the outfield trying to make his way over to the celebration.)

BoD #1 Tag Team Title Tournament Contender Finals: Camp Cleveland vs. Strike Force

BoD Tag Team Champions, Curtzerker and manager Biff Kensington III are at ringside. The HUSS section is going wild. The Berzerker approaches them and they yell even louder. Biff and Curtis Williams corral him to their seats. These two teams facing each other have had one hell of a rivalry. Coffee makers were destroyed and a Chrysler Lebaron submerged in a lake that was once on fire. This match is for the right to face the team at ringside at BoD Rumble with the Tag Titles on the line. The bell rings as Mikey and Matt Indeed are in the ring. They lockup and Mikey stalls as he ducks beneath the ropes. Mikey collects his composure before Indeed works an arm wringer. Mikey reverses but Indeed drops down and somersaults as he yanks Mikey down. WWF1987 tags in as Mar Solo is leaping up and down on the apron asking to go in. Solo tags and charges at WWF1987, who responds by sliding outside. Solo’s caffeine high cannot be slowed down as he flies out with a plancha. Solo then gets down and pulls out some iced coffee from underneath the ring and sips it down in seconds, followed by some high-stepping and fist-pumping that can be best described as “borderline psychotic.” Back inside, Strike Force stays in control until Mikey knees Indeed in the back from the apron. Mikey tags and stomps Indeed in the corner. Camp Cleveland taunts Indeed over the fact they drowned Loretta, is favorite Lebaron convertible. Indeed is struggling as is energetic partner is on the apron rooting him on for the tag. Camp Cleveland busts out a Rockerplex but that does not put Indeed away as the fans cheer and Camp Cleveland becomes pissed off. The camera shows Curtzerker and Biff watching the match, with The Berzerker frequently starring off at the HUSS section. Back to the match as Indeed escapes from the corner as WWF1987 charged. Indeed pulls himself up using the ropes and climbs sideways to make the tag!!! Solo comes in and lays into Mikey. Solo is going out of his mind! He knocks WWF1987 to the floor then hammers away on Mikey. Biff Kensington and Curtzerker now approach the ring. Biff casually slips in a pair of brass knux on the mat. Mikey sees this and motions towards them but Indeed runs over and kicks them to the floor. Biff looks unhappy then WWF1987 yanks Indeed down as they brawl outside. In the ring, Mikey ducks a clothesline and boots Solo in the gut. Mikey gets Solo up for the A.A. but Solo escapes. Solo bounces off of the ropes for the flying forearm as Mikey ducks but Solo’s momentum causes him to bounce off of the ropes as he flies to the middle of the ring. Mikey then picks up Solo, who yanks him down for a quick small package and gets the win!!!!! Strike Force will go on to face Curtzerker at the BoD Rumble for the Tag Team Titles! Biff Kensington looks unhappy while Curtzerker stares down Strike Force, who are high-stepping in tandem before their signature leaping high-five.

In the back, Wade Michael is welcomed to Jef Vinson’s private skybox by Vinson’s valet. After being seated, Vinson emerges and greets Wade warmly.

Vinson: Wade. So very good to see you!

Wade: Mr. Vinson, thanks for taking a moment to sit down with me. You’ve been extremely elusive since you returned to the BOD.

Vinson: Wade, Wade. Please! You know that I’m always open to the press, especially you. Let’s face it, you have quite the difficult job. All that….microphone holding. Must be terribly inconvenient.

Wade: Uh….yeah. Anyway, the BOD Rumble is fast approaching. Now, you’re the #30 entrant by virtue of your victory in the 5 for 30 gauntlet match. Does it change your thinking and preparation for the match with the knowledge that you’ll be the 30^th entrant?

Vinson: No.

Wade: Uh…is that it?

Vinson: (Broadly smiling) Yes. See, Wade, I’m Jef Vinson; there’s no need to worry about preparation. Every time I step in the ring, I’m certain that I’ll emerge with the victory, so I don’t need to ‘adjust’ my preparation; I am the best wrestler in the world. It’s more on my opponents to prepare for me than it is for me to prepare for them.

Wade: With that having been said, the two men who will start the match, AndyPG and John Petuka, have both promised to be in the main event this year at BODMania. Now, I’d assume that you have some feeling about those two men? It’s unlikely they’ll still be around when you hit the ring, but if they are, do you have any feelings or strategy for those two men? Or Abeyance, your long-time nemesis?

Vinson: (Chuckling) Well, it’s sort of funny to think about it. I mean, myself and Abeyance had quite the war the last time we faced each other, didn’t we? And of course, John Petuka has been promising to win this match for a long time, hasn’t he? But I’ll tell you something, Wade; the biggest disappointment to me is AndyPG. Unlike the rest of them, I was ready to take care of that boy, take him under my wing. I was ready to make him the next Jef Vinson, and that’s not a title that I bestow lightly. But AndyPG proved to be a disappointment, Wade. And I’m going into this match to win it, yes, but if the last thing I do before I win the match is toss AndyPG to the floor, well, don’t think that I won’t take a great deal of personal satisfaction from it! See, AndyPG has some idea in his head that he’s fighting for honor, or ideals, or crap like that; but that’s not the truth, Wade. We fight for championships. We fight for money. We fight for (He spreads his arms) all this.

Wade: Well, that sort of leads into my next question. After you lost the BOD World title, you allegedly lost all your endorsements and a great deal of your personal fortune. Yet, here you sit, still living in the lap of luxury. Can you explain that to our audience?

Vinson: Well, Wade, all I can say is that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on a dirtsheet, should you?

Wade: But there’s been questions of who or what is provid-

Vinson: Wade. I said all I’m going to say on the subject. Move on.

Wade: Fine. The last thing I have to bring up is your attack on Matthew Maynard Adams. He looked to end the World Title reign of Hoss in their ladder match, and it seemed he was only inches away. Yet you came out of the crowd and stopped him from winning the belt. What was your reason for that?

Vinson: Wade, Matthew Adams is a joke. He’s not fit to be the World Champion. I did what I did for the integrity of the BOD World Title. Don’t misunderstand me; I plan to be the World Champion again someday very, very soon. But that title wouldn’t be worth anything if the former Adam Curry somehow got his grubby paws on it. And sure enough, what happened afterwards? He turned tail and ran! Gone with the wind, no one has seen him since. Let’s face it, BOD; I did all of you a favor.

Wade: (Skeptically) Is that really the reason, Jef? To preserve the title’s integrity?

Vinson: (Frostily) Well, Wade, I’ve enjoyed this interview session. But I’m afraid that your brush with

Vinson….is over! Security! Escort my guest out.

Last week, during the BoD Tour of Hungary, The Upvoters won a BoD Rumble qualifying match. Also, Hart Killer and The Brazilian Psycho won qualifyers to put them in the match.

Spotlight! There he is! John Petuka has made his way to the ramp, head bowed. He looks up….BANG! The “BODMania III…..starring John Petuka” banner has been unfurled! Petuka takes a deep breath, he POINTS TO THE SIGN!! He has just been awarded the North Malaysian Heavyweight title by default for that sign point!

And there’s the music of AndyPG! He comes out to the ring, noticeably going to the opposite turnbuckle of Petuka to pose. These two will start off the BOD Rumble, but tonight, they’ve got to work together! We hear the music of Kensington Enterprises begin, and here comes Hoss and Extant, their respective title belts over their shoulders! They walk out together but seem to be having a less than amicable conversation; finally, Biff comes from the back and the 3 of them make their way to the ring.

Hoss/Extant1979 vs AndyPG/John Petuka

Petuka takes the lead position, and it looks like it’ll be Extant starting us off for Kensington. They lockup and Petuka gains the advantage, but Extant goes to the eyes to break the headlock and gets one of his own. Extant with a drop toehold and he goes to work on the knee of Petuka, but John rolls out and there’s a tag to Andy. Andy comes in, but Extant gives him a big smile, and walks back to the corner, tag to Hoss. The World Champion comes in and stares down AndyPG, who swallows but looks determined against this mountain of a man. Andy starts firing rights at Hoss, but comes off with a shoulderblock and Hoss clobbers him with a clothesline. Hoss takes over now, throwing Andy into the corner and just going to work on him. Andy tries to fight back, but Hoss just beels him out of the corner and follows it up with a running lariat to put him back down. Andy is taking a beating in there. Petuka wants the tag, he wants at the world champ, Andy avoids a Hoss charge in the corner. He goes to the second rope, back elbow off the second rope by Andy! Hoss was staggered! Petuka is screaming for the tag, Andy summons enough energy to dropkick Hoss! Hoss goes down! Andy dives for the corner, Petuka makes the tag! Petuka with a shot on Extant on the apron, and he goes to work on Hoss. He fires kicks and comes off the ropes, Shining Wizard! Hoss is down! Petuka goes to the top rope, moonsault! Hoss moved out of the way! Hoss gets back to his feet and starts clubbing Petuka with forearms. He slams him and goes to the second rope…..but Extant just tagged himself back in! Oh, Hoss didn’t like that at all, and he’s letting Extant know it! Extant comes off the top rope with a flying elbow, but Petuka moves! AndyPG wants the tag, but Petuka isn’t even looking in his direction! Petuka with a single-arm DDT, followed by a belly to back suplex on Extant. He looks for the rolling Germans now, but Extant reverses into a backstabber to stop Petuka. Petuka rolls towards the corner, and AndyPG tags himself back in! And Petuka looks pretty upset at that as Andy now goes to work on Extant. Wait, he just picked Extant up and tossed him towards Hoss in the corner! AndyPG wants Hoss! Hoss tags himself back into the match, here we go….but Extant won’t get out of the ring! He’s got Hoss by the arm, he’s saying that he didn’t want to tag out, Andy comes up, enzuirgiri to Hoss! Same to Extant! All of Kensington is down now, AndyPG loads up the big man for the Dragon Suplex…..can he possibly get him up…..YES! 1,2, Curtzerker hits the ring and beats down AndyPG! The ref will have to call for the bell here! And now Petuka is back in! He’s good and fired up! PETUKA BAZOOKA to Curtis! PETUKA BAZOOKA to the Berzerker! PETUKA BAZOOKA….to AndyPG!! Was that mistake or not? Either way, Petuka turns around, and Hoss is back on his feet, Pants-Shitter to John Petuka!! Hoss roars as Extant is eyeing him from outside the ring, look of disdain on his face….from the crowd, it’s kbjone! Chairshot to the back of Hoss! Chairshot to the head of Hoss! Kbjone once again stands tall in the wreckage with his trusty chair! And now it’s all out of control! The locker room has hit the ring and everyone is battling all over the place! Cultstatus takes out 3 guys at once! Biff Kensington is ready to run for the hills as the Educated Negro Ensemble takes notes while occasionally throwing a punch! The whole ring is chaos! WHO WILL WIN THE BOD RUMBLE??

BoD Rumble Card:

Hoss vs. Kbjone (BoD World Title)

Curtzerker vs. Strike Force (BoD Tag Titles)

Tommy Hall vs. Ioan Morris (BoD Writer’s Title)

Confirmed BoD Rumble Participants: Jobber, Stranger in the Alps, Zanatude, Four, Stuart Chartock, PrimeTime Ten, Mister E Mahn, DBSM, Kaptain Kiwi, Biscuit, Andy PG, Jef Vinson, Abeyance, John Petuka, TatR, Shelton Benjamin, “Distinguished” Devin Harris, FunkDoc, Cultstatus, Extant1979, Mikey, WWF1987, Danimal Crossing, Kenny Reigns, Hart Killer , The Brazilian Psycho