BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Tonight, our main event will see Curtzerker putting the tag team titles on the line against the Upper Midcard Express! Will the former champs be able to regain the gold?

Coming to the ring is Matthew Maynard Adams….with a mic? This might be interesting. He gets a ladder from underneath the ring and sets it up in the middle. Adams is going to speak!

Adams: I no longer let words be a crutch for me; now I speak in violence. I mete out justice. I do this for the justice denied me for so long as the former Adam Curry. I do this because it is a language of its own, beautiful in the old ways it speaks. I am Matthew Marynard Adams, and I render judgment; Sunday, judgment comes for the man they would call ‘champion’. God didn’t create me, Hoss – he just got out of my way!

Wow! That’s more words than Adams has said since his change in attitude! He goes to leave the ring, but that’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! Hoss and Biff come out on the apron, Biff tapping a microphone against his hand.

Biff: Well, well, well. Boo Radley finally speaks! I wondered if you knew any more words, because I was really, REALLY getting tired of just hearing ‘judgment’ over and over again. Tonight, my tag team champions have agreed to perform for you people, so if I were you, I’d SHUT UP while I’m talking so I don’t change my mind about allowing them to! So, Matthew Maynard Adams; why am I here? Let’s be honest here; you only got your first title shot because Jobber gave it to you, and the idea that you didn’t win and still think you deserve another one is the height of hubris! I told Hoss not to do this, but he insisted. Frankly, I –

Hoss grabs the mic from Biff, who shrugs his shoulders.

Hoss: HOSS EAT ICE CREAM! HOSS DEFEAT ADAMS! (Pause) Adams, no matter what happens at TLC, I want you to remember something; I GAVE you this match! I didn’t have to, but I did, and let’s face it, without me, you’d be sitting at home or making food or whatever it is that you do.

Hoss starts to walk to the ring.

Hoss: I plan to make sure you never wrestle again, Adams. I don’t lose, not anymore, and at Survivor Series, you angered me. At TLC, I end you.

Hoss throws down the mic and continues to walk towards Adams, who calmly stands his ground…when from the crowd, Kensington attacks! Extant, Curtzerker and Tommy Hall have all hit the ring and are all over Matthew Maynard Adams! He tries to fight them off, but the numbers game is too much and Hoss gets Adams up, Pants-shitter by the World Champ! Biff is in the ring now, laughing as Hoss stands over the fallen Adams, staring down as he holds up his title belt.

In the writer’s room, GM Bobby Bayless is with his 23 writers and cousin Brian:

Bobby: Hey, when are we going back to England?

Brian: I don’t know, maybe next year.

Bobby: I want a jolly ol’ chap who fancies himself a title shot. HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Brian: That’s great, Bobby.

Bobby: Who is English on the roster?

Writer #1: TatR is

Bobby: He is going to get a title shot!

Brian: Damnit, Bobby. That doesnt make an ounce of sense.

Bobby: Why not!

Brian: He is in the Tag Team Tournament and we have a title match for TLC next week already.

Bobby: So what, pal! I want a jolly ol’ clap.

Hilda: (barges into the room) I WANT SOME DINOSAUR NUGGETS!!!!

Brian: Good for you, we are busy.

Hilda: I’m not allowed to use the oven.

Bobby: Neither am I, HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Jesus Christ! (Looks over at a writer) I used to be in charge of this show you know.

(Brian leaves as Hilda and Bobby follow)

BoD Tag Team Title #1 Contender Tournament First Round: Hart Killer & Joe Dust vs. Dr. Facts & Onita100

Hart Killer berates the crowd for acting like poor, Western Canadian trash. Dr. Facts, back from his 19th tour of BoD Japan, gets the best of Joe to start. Hart Killer knees him from the back on the apron and then tags in to lay a beating on Dr. Facts. Joe Dust is back in and he gets two with a backbreaker before applying a Boston Crab. Dr. Facts breaks away and tries to tag but Hart Killer runs in and pulls Dr. Facts to the corner. Hart Killer tags and heads up top for an elbow drop but Dr. Facts rolls away and makes the tag. Onita lays into Hart with kicks. Joe Dust comes in and gets sent to the floor with a clothesline. Onita hits a slam then tags Dr. Facts, who connects with a swanton! He covers but Joe puts his partners foot on the ropes then Onita flies outside with a tope. Dr Facts misses a swing and Hart Killer tries a back suplex but that fails. Dr. Facts goes for a reverse rollup but Hart Killer reverses that then grabs the tights for leverage and gets the pin! Hart Killer celebrates, calling this the greatest first round upset in the history of Tag Team wrestling.

We’re in the back with AndyPG and Wade.

Wade: Andy, I know that you’re excited to learn who will be joining you for the 5 for 30 gauntlet match at TLC.

Andy: Wade, I have to admit that I am.

Wade: Well wait no longer, the 2^nd man that has received an invite….making his return to the BOD Arena….Abeyance!

The crowd goes nuts as Abeyance has returned! He shakes hands with Wade and stares at Andy.

Abeyance: AndyPG. It seems our fates are intertwined again. (Abeyance sticks out his hand) May the best man win.

Andy looks down at Abeyance’s hand for a long time, but he shakes it!

Wade: Abeyance, welcome back. Obviously, we haven’t seen you since your final war with Jef Vinson at the last PPV; tell me, are you ready to return?

Abeyance: Well, Wade, I have to admit that I’m a bit nervous about getting back in the ring, but I’m ready; I’m ready to regain what never should have been taken from me, and that’s the BOD World Title! And since I have to win the Rumble for that to happen, that’s what I’m going to do!

Andy: You’re not the only one that has to win the Rumble, Abeyance. I want Hoss’s title too, and I’m prepared to do what it takes to get it.

Abeyance: Andy, I respect you. But I’m a former World Champion, Andy; who do you think is going to be favored in this match? Let’s face it, after everything I’ve been through in the last year, there’s going to something truly satisfying about winning the belt on the grandest stage of them all-

Andy: Excuse me? Do you think that you’re better than I am, Abeyance? See, here’s the thing – I notice that when it comes down to it, I’ve been here every week, fighting, while you keep taking little vacations here and there.

They go nose to nose. Wade clears his throat.

Wade: Gentlemen, there are 3 other men in the match to consi-

Andy and Abeyance both turn to Wade at the same time.

Both: SHUT UP, WADE!

They stalk off in opposite directions while Wade just looks confused.

BoD Tag Team Title #1 Contender Tournament First Round: Fat Otters vs. Kyle Warne & Cabspaintedyellow

Meekin & Caliber have returned to compete in this tournament. Warne has held both the Tag Team and Six-Man titles. Match starts with Calber tossing Warne into the corner then flexing his arms as Meekdizzle takes photos on his phone. Caliber does it again but the third time, Cabs ducks behind and slaps Caliber off the back of his head as that riles up the Baron of (Microwave) Bacon and Biceps. Warne is in and works the arm of Caliber. Caliber then catches Warne and slams him down before tagging out. Meekles tags in and lays the boots to Warne. He goes for a splash but Warne rolls away. Warne tries to make the tag but Meekin grab his ankles. Warne escapes a slam attempt then takes Meekums down with a dropkick. Warne heads up top for a splash but misses as he got faked out by a game of Meekaboo. Caliber tags and picks Warne up for the Torture Rack. Warne manages to get out of that. Meekin tries to clothesline him from the apron but misses and accidentally hits his own partner!! Warne boots Meekdaddy off the apron and makes the tag! Cabs runs wild and Warne joins in on the fun and they hit Caliber with a double suplex. Meekin runs in to break up the pin but misses an elbow drop and hits his own partner. Warne hits a running kick to the Meekster, who is probably seeing Meekwebs, and Cabs covers Caliber for the win!!!!!!

Jef Vinson has arrived at the arena! He is accompanied by his lovely valet. Wade Michael runs up to him, but before he can even ask a question, Vinson grabs the mic and shoves him away.

Vinson: At TLC, Jef Vinson returns. And I’m going to continue to do whatever it takes to ensure that I once again climb the mountain that I need to climb to regain what is rightfully mine, the World Heavyweight Title! And I plan to do it while living the life I was born to live! I know that the dirtsheets are saying all sorts of things about Jef Vinson, but let me tell you something; no one but me knows the whole story. And I know that no matter what happens, my fans will remain my fans because they like to be in the presence of GREATNESS; and I am Jef Vinson, so I am synonymous with greatness!

He shoves the mic back at Wade and enters the BOD Arena!

And now, lets check in on the Men with Macklin

Duck: The Ryback should never wear green and black.

Mears: Look, I’m not saying Luther Head is good, I’m saying…………….I don’t know

Duck: What happened to Marv? Did he have a meltdown and leave?

Marv: (Just happens to enter) Oh, heavens no. I have a child to take care of and got busy.

Mears: What’s in the bag?

Marv: Some supplies for dinner and some art. The kid likes art work.

Duck: (Worried) Wait a minute! What happened to Art?

Marv: Oh dear god, he is probably in danger. And if he ever popped a tire, forget about it

Mears: (Puts down his beer) God dammit, the fan belt didnt have a Californian accent? Art is stuck underneath the hood! (Mears runs outside to open the hood)

Marv: I hope Art is okay.

Duck: Want to watch Netflix

Marv: That sounds wonderful.

This just in: At BoD TLC, PrimeTime Ten vs. Mister E Mahn will face off in a ladder match. The winner has to climb up and grab the key that will unlock Cuppie from his current location. Also, Kaptain Kiwi vs. DBSM in a Tables match.

BoD Tag Team Title #1 Contender Tournament First Round: Herb Kunzes vs. Beard Money & Jose Gomez

Dock Muraco is very upset about the news of AJ Styles injury. He starts off with Beard Money, who shakes his hands. Dock goes for a lariat right off the bat but Beard Money moves away then does a cartwheel. Dock is upset and charges with a Yakuza kick but Beard Money dodges that and tags Jose blindly. Dock steps to Beard as Jose sneaks behind Dock. Beard Money pushes Dock, who trips over Jose, as the crowd applauds. Dock is irate and he goes outside. Dock yells about this not being a **** match and heads up the aisle! His partner, Redstorm, is puzzled on the apron as Dock gets counted out. Dock is on the ramp yelling “I only do **** matches” and he leaves.

Now, lets head back to the Alps for Stranger to tell us all about the illustrious BoD Network

Stranger: For the Holidays, get one month of the BoD Network for just $1. You can see all the great PPV’s, matches, moments, jokes that got run into the ground really quickly, and my appearance in the upcoming BoD Rumble. Or not.

Director: That is not on the script!

Stranger: What, that I am in the Rumble?

Director: Yes

Stranger: I know, I made it up.

Director: Okay.

Stranger: Or am I lying and actually in the match?

Director: I dont have time for this

Stranger: Tell me about it. I have to train……………..or eat a donair

It’s time for the main event! Spotlight! There he is! John Petuka has arrived! (In his Petukamania shirt, on sale this week in BOD Shopzone for $26.53 for some reason) He takes a deep breath…bang! The sign has been unfurled! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka” HE POINTS TO THE SIGN! Four women just fainted in the second row. Petuka walks to the ring, making the ‘want the belt’ motion. He’s ready! And there’s the music of his former partner, kbjone! He comes to the ring with a new chair, and the Upper Midcard Express will ride again in our main event!

And that’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! Curtzerker makes their way to the ring, with the ‘HUSS’ section going wild! Berzerker almost wanders off, but Curtis steers him back towards the ring with the belt. This one could be a crazy match, to say the least!

Curtzerker vs John Petuka/Kbjone

It looks like Petuka and Curtis are going to start us off. Chain wrestling to start, Petuka with the upper hand. He works the arm of Curtis with a wristlock and tags in kbjone, who comes in with a double axehandle. He continues to pound on Curtis, but Curtis goes to the eyes to break. He tags in the Berzerker, and the HUSS section goes wild again!

Berzerker comes in and pounds on kbjone with forearms. He sends kb to the corner, but kbjone goes over the top with a sunset flip for 2. Berzerker seems angered by this, chokeslam on kbjone! 1,2, no! The beating continues with Berzerker tagging Williams back in, and Williams going to the top for a crossbody that gets two. He goes to the top again, but the 450 splash misses! Kbjone is trying to make the tag, Petuka reaching out….Berzerker gets the tag first! He cuts off kbjone by dropping an elbow and dragging him back to the corner. Kbjone is taking a pounding in there. Berzerker puts kb in a Boston crab, and kbjone makes the ropes. It was pretty close, he had to stretch there.

Berzerker tags Curtis back in, Curtis gets a savate kick for two. He goes to the second rope, Bret Hart elbow gets two. He goes to the top rope this time, looking for the Alabama Jam….misses! And now, kbjone NEEDS to make the tag to Petuka! He’s crawling for it, as is Williams….tag to Berzerker! And…tag to Petuka! The crowd goes crazy! Petuka in on the Berzerker with rights and lefts! Big back body drop by Petuka! Big back body drop on a charging Williams! He sends Berzerker to the corner, charging splash in the corner by John Petuka! Berzerker stumbles to his knees, Shining Wizard by Petuka! 1,2, no! Williams broke it up!

Kbjone comes back in the ring, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! They’re fighting all over! Kbjone tosses Williams, but misses a suicide dive! Wait a second….he didn’t miss it! A fan in the front row struck him with something! It’s Extant1979! He just dropped kbjone with brass knucks as he hit the barricade! Kbjone is OUT. Meanwhile, in the ring, Petuka trades reversals with Berzerker…PETUKA BAZOOKA! That should do it! He crawls for the cover….1,2, Williams broke it up! We would have had new champs for sure! He’s back in on Petuka, tornado DDT by Curtis! He rouses Berzerker and they get a Hart Attack on Petuka! 1,2, NO! Petuka kicked out! PETUKA KICKED OUT! Curtis throws a temper tantrum, but calms himself down and goes to the top rope, Berzerker in position….SPIKE TOMBSTONE on John Petuka! 1,2,3! No way to kick out of that one, Curtzerker retains!

Extant hops the barricade to celebrate….wait, he’s grabbing kbjone and rolling him into the ring. He tells Curtzerker to hold him up the woozy kbjone….he BLASTS kb with the A+ title belt! He smiles and holds up his belt along with Curtzerker’s tag belts; what will happen at TLC? Good night, everyone!