BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, we see Bobby Bayless and Hilda pull up in the Wienermobile:

Hilda: Bobby, I want to go to the writers meeting!

Bobby: Hey girl, this is man’s business.

Hilda: I WANT TO GO (Jumps up and down)

Bobby: But I want to look like a real man without his girl next to him. How about you make us dinner?

Hilda: I don’t have any Easy Mac.

Bobby: But I’m hungry!

Hilda: I want a Big Mac!!!!!!!!!!!

(Brian walks by)

Bobby: Hey cuz, can you get us some Big Macs for the writer’s meeting!

Brian: Maybe you two should eat something besides Big Macs.

Hilda: Then I want a Double Quarter Pounder with Extra cheese

Bobby: That’s my girl!

Brian: (rubs his face with his hands slowly) You know what, I could use a break. I’ll be back.

Kensington Enterprises is in the ring, sporting all the BOD Gold! Let’s hear what Biff has to say:

Biff: You may have noticed that last week, this show was missing a little something, and it wasn’t Vinson or Abeyance! No, it was YOUR champions! Biff Kensington may have been treating his boys to a little R and R, but that doesn’t mean that the BOD isn’t ruled by Kensington! (They hoot and holler) Now, let me show you something. (He pulls Hoss to the front) This is the reigning, undisputed champion of the world. Now, I’ve heard some bellyaching in the back about what happened at Hell in a Cell, but I couldn’t care less – Biff Kensington and Kensington Enterprises will NEVER lose this title, no matter what! As for you, Adams, you freak; you can go to the back of the line! But don’t worry, I’m sure SOMEONE will be up for the challenge Hoss in the future! Now, as for Archie St-

Wait! That’s the music! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE! Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis have made their way to the ramp, Stackhouse stopping Davis at the top to not violate his restraining order; Davis still stares at Biff with murder in his eyes.

Archie: Biff. My old nemesis. I took a break, Biff. I went back to Riverdale, back to Uncle Caliber, and I tried to understand what to do next. And then, as I brought forth justice upon those that I used to call brothers (footage of the former Covenant members’ worldly possessions being destroyed is shown on the BOD Tron), I watched with my heart full of pride as Robert Davis took the mantle upon himself and made it his mission to bring about your destruction! It was truly one of my finest moments to see my protege surpass his teacher and understand that violence is a language of crudity, but a language nonetheless; therefore, there are some that speak it. And as I convalesced with Uncle Caliber and walked the sun-drenched streets of Riverdale, it came upon me; Robert Davis was the teacher now. He was showing Archie Stackhouse the way forward.

Biff: You know what, Stackhouse? Just get to your point, alright? I don’t care about you enough to listen to you this long.

Archie: (Laughing) Oh, Biff. Such a laugh you are. (Archie narrows his eyes) You don’t truly understand the forces that you have brought out upon your destruction of the Covenant, Biff. You don’t understand the united brotherhood that stands before you and the lengths to which I will go to bury you, Biff. (He points at Hoss) I care not for his piece of tin, Biff, nor the rest of them. I care only for you. And soon, the plans will be revealed…tonight.

(Archie and Robert laugh and walk away, while Biff swallows in the ring.)

BoD Tag Team Tournament #1 Contender Match: Strike Force vs. Oprah Noodlemantra & Travis Banks

Strike Force comes to the ring in their new Lebaron convertible. Well, new to them anyway. Indeed starts the match and work the arms of Noodlemantra. Mar Solo, as caffeinated as ever, reportedly drank 14 pots of coffee since the Paris bombings just to see what Republicans have been saying about gun control. He’s is running around backwards on the apron. He tags and works the arm of Noodlemantra but misses a corner splash as Banks is in the match. Banks beats Solo in the corner as the newcomers are in control. Indeed gets the crowd behind his partner, who kicks out of a double suplex. Solo is in a chinlock and tries to escape. He does but Noodlemantra yanks his hair from the apron. Good luck washing the LA Looks out of your hands, buddy. Noodlemantra tags and comes off of the top but Solo hits a dropkick as both men are down. Banks tags as does Solo and Indeed is a house of fire. He highsteps after a pair of armdrags. Noodlemantra comes in and charges but Indeed ducks down and pulls on the ropes as he crashes. Indeed tags Solo, who nails Banks with a flying forearm then covers for the win! Strike Force goes on to the next round.

In the back, Wade Michael is with John Petuka.

Wade: John, you had one of the more unique matches at Hell in a Cell that we’ve ever seen. Care to comment?

Petuka: Listen Wade, I did what I did in the hopes that kbjone found some peace in my defeat. You can’t spend that much time with someone and not want them to find their way, even if they’re batshit insane.

Wade: Now, let’s turn to BODMania III. You’ve been adamant that you will be in the main event at the show, with your banner and spotlight. Does this mean that you consider yourself the favorite for the BOD Rumble this year?

Petuka: What a dumb question. Of COURSE I’m the favorite for the BOD Rumble this year! Who can beat Petuka? I didn’t start the run to BODMania III as a joke, I started it to make sure that my incredible potential is realized, and the only way to ensure that is to remind myself and the people that there is no one in the BOD like John Petuka!

(Peyton_Drinking has joined us.)

Peyton: And Peyton_Drinking! The Future Kings!

Petuka: That’s right, the Future Kings! (Whispering to Peyton) I thought I told you that I was doing this one alone, Peyton.

Peyton: (Whispering back) Yeah, but I figured you’d be okay with me backing you up.

Petuka: (To Wade) Excuse us, Wade.

The Future Kings leave while talking animatedly down the the hall! What’s going on with them?

Next week, both Jef Vinson and Abeyance return to the BOD after their epic Cell match! Abeyance has only spoken once since the match, but Jef Vinson has been all over the globe, getting treatments from the finest physicians, at least that’s what he claims. All doesn’t seem right in the world of Vinson, but he’s promised to address his status after BOD Raw goes off the air tonight!

We’re back in the ring with Extant1979, and he’s got a mic! Let’s hear what he has to say.

Extant: I’m the smartest man in the BOD, and I am….bored. Ever since I won the newly christened A+ players title, people have been too frightened to challenge me for it. But I know what it is, BOD; you’re intimidated! I get it, I really do; I am a frightening specimen of both intelligence, wit, and guile in this ring. But you don’t need to be afraid, because even though you’ll be defeated when you step into the ring against me, the chance to lock up with me is it’s own reward! So, with that in mind, will anyone in the back come out and-

Wait! From the crowd, it’s Kbjone and his trusty chair! The crowd goes wild as he hits the ring and poses, while Extant looks on distastefully as kbjone grabs a mic.

Extant: What, exactly, are YOU doing out here? I saw your nonsense with Petuka at the PPV. You need to leave this ring now, because I don’t have pity in my body, you freak.

Kbjone: You know, I have a fondness for hitting people with chairs. (He looks down at his bent and twisted chair and Extant gets ready to fight…kbjone tosses the chair to the floor. Extant relaxes.) But every now and then, I wonder to myself, what would it be like to hit someone with something else? Something like, say….a title belt?

Kbjone kicks Extant in the gut! He grabs the B+ belt and LEVELS Extant with it! Extant goes down and kb looks down at the belt, seemingly amused. He takes the belt, goes out to the floor to get his chair, and runs through the crowd! Extant has come to and shouts at kbjone, demanding his belt back, but kbjone has stolen the belt and is GONE.

And now, lets head into the BBQ Truck and check on the Men With Macklin:

Duck: (Watching 2005 Great American Bash, jotting down thoughts on ring attire) You know, Orlando Jordan did not have good ring gear.

Marv: Hey! Hey! Paris got attacked.

Mears: (Slams down beer) God Dammit!

Marv: What do we do?

Duck: I dont have proper ring attire for this yet

Mears: Don’t worry, I got it (Steps out of the truck and sees some guy on his smartphone).

Mears: Hey, did you hear that Paris got attacked?

Guy #1: (sarcastically) Yeah, three days ago. (Goes back on phone)

Mears: (shrugs shoulders) Fucking terrorist! (Boots guy in the gut and hits him with a stunner. Mears then enters the van)

Mears: Guys, I solved the problem.

Marv: That is delightful.

Mears: Lets get beer!

BoD Tag Team #1 Contenders Tournament First Round Match: “Distinguished” Devin Harris vs. Macklin & ????????

The Educated Negro Ensemble are ringside but their opponents are not present. Justice Gray comes out and orders the ref to ring the bell and he counts to ten as that is the end of the match. The ENE are announced as winners as they now have something to say:

FunkDoc: Tonight, we won not because we were the better team, which I can assure you that we are.

Night: We won because our opponents did not even bother to show up.

X-Man: And the “man without fear” did not appear

“Distinguished” Devin Harris: Macklin, you have shown yourself as another imposter, just like the cowboy shrimp eaters from England. And we at the ENE do not take kindly to that. So let me issue this to you and your men: Our goal is to rid the BoD of imposters and other deceivers. And we can give you something you claim not to have……………..fear.

X-Man: Macklin, fear us and your band of moronic drunkards better start paying attention because they are going to be next.

What happened to Macklin!

In the back, AndyPG is approached by Wade Michael.

Wade: Andy, it’s been a tough couple of weeks for you, I know, so bear with me here. Are you at all worried about Vinson and Abeyance returning to BOD Raw next week?

AndyPG: Why would I worry? There’s nothing that I’m worried about at this point except getting in shape for the BOD Rumble to punch my ticket against the champ. I don’t care about those two anymore; I only hope they got whatever it was out of their system so we can all move on.

Wade: Right. Also, you said earlier that you had plans for BOD Survivor Series; care to share those with us at this time?

AndyPG: (Smiles) Soon Wade, soon. I’ll leave you with this – some situations leave us with strange bedfellows, don’t they?

Andy laughs and walks away. Wade just looks confused.

BREAKING NEWS: A 10 team old school Survivor Series match has been named: Camp Cleveland & DDH & Funk Doc & Herb Kunzes & Hart Killer & Joe Dust & Fat Otters vs. Strike Force & Upvoters & Kyle Warne & Cabs & TatR & Shelton Benjamin & Dr. Facts & Onita100

Backstage, Wade Michael Meltzer is with DBSM and the C-List Posse

Wade: DBSM, you and your C-List poss-

DBSM: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s the posse, not C-List. We are bigger than ever and my boy Jamiroquai broke his air hockey record last night. And tonight, we set our sights on that Anchor Cheese sponsorship deals. We can get them into all Dave & Busters, something those Kiwis could never dream of or accomplish. (Pulls out a Anchor Cheese flyer with Kaptain Kiwi’s head cut out and his in place, with the Posse scattered around the background). See ya a bit later, Wade.

At BoD Hell in a Cell, Biscuit suffered a concussion. Lets see how his doctors appointment with BoD Head of Medicine, Miss Diagnosis, went.

Dr: Biscuit, we need to perform test to see if you can wrestle

Biscuit: (Angry) I took two days off and an aspirin dammit, I can work!!!!!!

Dr: How many fingers am I holding up (Its one)

Biscuit: One

Dr: Okay, you can wrestle.

Biscuit: I can work with the best of them (Pulls out some beef jerky but struggles to get the wrapped off, showing signs that he might not be cleared).

In the luxury box, Wade is with Jobber123 and the rest of the Job Mob:

Wade: Jobber, when are you going to return to the ring?

Jobber: Wade, I dont just go out for the love of the game, like Biscuit. I go out only when financially beneficial to myself. (Zanatude cuts in, with all of the Six-Man and U.S. Six-Man Titles)

Zanatude: Next week, at BoD Survivor Series, we will be putting all the belts on the line against three mystery opponents. (Goes back to drinking with the rest of the Job Mob).

Wade: Great scoop. Now, why does it smell like McDonald’s in here?

Jobber: Bobby and Hilda visited me. Good people but they love to eat that stuff.

Wade: What are your plans for the future?

(Four comes out and signals that the interview is over. Wade gets backed out of the box as Jobber watches Golden State Warriors highlights)

Next week, Stranger will be back for his contractually obligated appearance.

Kensington is back in the ring now, with Extant still livid and complaining over his missing title belt. Biff has the mic:

Biff: Kbjone, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but that title belt is STOLEN PROPERTY, and I demand you return it right now!

There’s Riverdale’s music again! Archie and Robert are back out on the stage, and Biff just sighs.

Biff: What is it NOW, Stackhouse? I have a theft to deal with here.

Archie: Your precious gold, your tinfoil championship? Don’t worry, Biff. That will be returned to you.

Biff: Oh really, Archie? When?

Extant: (Grabbing the mic) Yeah, when?

Archie: Well, Biff, I believe that I’ve spoken about my love for nature documentaries before, have I not? I know that I’ve told you about Uncle Caliber and his message of Darwin, of how only the strong….survive. (He turns towards Davis and tells him to stay put, and starts to walk towards the ring) Well, I didn’t just return because it was time; I returned because Archie Stackhouse is a leader of men, and it just so happens that it’s time for men to be led into battle. And you, Kensington Enterprises, you’ll have to survive against my team at BOD Survivor Series!

Archie rushes the ring! From the crowd, here comes kbjone! From the back, here comes AndyPG and Matthew Maynard Adams, while Davis laughs from the ramp as Kensington is scattered to the four winds! Stackhouse stands tall with Adams, Andy, and kbjone as Robert Davis applauds; looks like we have a challenge for BOD Survivor Series!