BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

In the ring, the World Champion Hoss and Biff Kensington stand with a mic.

Biff: Last week, I was looking forward to signing a contract for what would surely be a great world title bout between my champion Hoss and the #1 contender Jobber123! But instead, I was informed that before that amazing match is going to take place, Jobber wants my champion to participate in barbarism inside a steel cage! Well, let me tell you something; we’re not scared of you, Adams! You want to shorten your career by walking into the ring with the greatest champ in all of wrestling, it’s your funeral. But I’ll tell you something, Jobber – I won’t forget this stunt! Hoss will retain –

That’s the music of….cabspaintedyellow? He’s getting into the ring and wants a mic.

Cabs: Biff, man, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve been around. Here’s the thing; I wanted to warn you. You want no part of this man, Biff. I used to team with him, remember? Remember what he did to me and Warne? I haven’t been able to compete since! Look, I don’t know if he found religion, or what his deal is, but I’m telling you that he’s more focused than I’ve ever seen him, and that makes him dangerous. I would try hard to get out of this match, if I were you.

Cabs hands the mic back to Biff, who looks amused. He turns to Hoss and gives a slight nod….Pants-shitter to Cabspaintedyellow!

Biff: That’s what I think of your warning, you second-rate loser! Hoss is a winner, and come next week, he’ll make Adams wish he was still on enough drugs to dull his pain!

Hoss and Biff walk off, holding the title belt high as cabs lays unconscious in the ring. It looks like they’re ready for the Cell! Later tonight, Wade Michael sits down with Matthew Maynard Adams; will he comment on what just happened with his former tag team partner? Biff turns and stands on the rampway….but from the crowd, it’s Robert Davis! The former Riverdale member hits Hoss in the knee with Jughead and he turns to face Biff, smiling as Biff shrinks away! Davis gives chase, but BOD Arena security is here and they’re holding Davis back as he strains to get at Kensington! “BIFFFFFF!!!! I TOLD YOU I’M COMING, BIFF! YOU CAN’T STOP ME FOREVER!!!” Security drags Davis away as Biff goes over to Hoss and calls for medical personnel to help his champion! Can Biff avoid Robert Davis forever???

In the back, John Petuka and Peyton_Drinking are taping their wrists up.

Peyton: Man, I’m enjoying working with you, John.

Petuka: Who wouldn’t? You get Petuka on a regular basis, which is a service I normally charge for. Stick with me, kid, and we’re going all the way to the main event of BODMania III! Did you get the banner fixed this week?

Peyton: Uh…yeah. So, listen, about Kbjone, what’s the deal?

Petuka: How am I supposed to know? I cut kbjanetty loose for a reason. We’re the Future Kings, not him; we had a good run, but some stars aren’t meant to be held back, they need to shine!

Peyton: I get it, man, I do. But I’m kind of tired of getting hit with a chair all the time, you know?

Petuka: Don’t worry about it. I talked to Bobby Bayless, you know, my close personal friend?

Peyton: He seems to have a lot of close personal friends.

Petuka: Yeah. Anyway, at Hell in a Cell, it’s going to be you and me in a handicap match against kbjone! Me and you are going to put an end to all this!

Peyton looks more nervous than when the conversation started.

Peyton: Uh….okay?

Petuka: That’s the spirit, man! Future Kings, baby! Let’s get out there and show them what we’re made of

Spotlight! Smaller spotlight! That only means one thing….yes! There they are! John Petuka and Peyton_Drinking stand in their spotlights, and take a deep breath….Bang! It’s the banner! “BODMania III….STARRING John Petuka!” and a smaller banner “With Peyton_Drinking!” THEY POINT TO THE SIGN!

John Petuka vs Travis Banks

Lockup, Petuka with a standing side headlock. Banks shoots him off, but Petuka runs through with a shoulderblock. He picks up Banks and gets a belly to back suplex. Drops an elbow. Another. Petuka Pose! Peyton_Drinking cheers John on at ringside while John continues to dominate the match, sending Banks to the corner and following with an elbow. Banks gets sent off the ropes, but ducks a Petuka clothesline and comes off the other rope with a flying forearm. Banks with rights and a slam. He’s going to the top….but Peyton is on the apron! Banks switches direction and gets a double axehandle to send Peyton back to the floor, but now Petuka comes up from behind….short-arm clothesline by Petuka! He’s signaling for it…..PETUKA BAZOOKA!! That’s it, it’s over….but wait! On the ramp, it’s kbjone with his chair and a mic!

Kbjone: John, John, John! It’s all for you, John! I heard that we’re going to have to fight on Sunday, but I can’t do it, John! So, I checked out the contract that they sent me, and it doesn’t say anything about a handicap match; it says that it’s a tag team match! And lucky for me, I have a partner….(He turns his chair around, where we see that he’s painted a face on it) See, John! Now I don’t have to worry about fighting you! I’ll fight Patton over there, and this guy here will fight you! I know he’ll be a great partner and it’ll be a great match, right? But he gets jealous, so I may let him fight Patton too. IT’S ALL FOR YOU, JOHN!! Oh, and behind you!

From behind, Banks schoolboys Petuka! 1,2, NO! THIS AIN’T MONDAY NIGHT RAW! Petuka kicks out and gets back to his feet….2^nd PETUKA BAZOOKA on Banks 1,2,3!! But Petuka doesn’t look happy; he stares at the top of the ramp as kbjone applauds and waves his chair in the air! Petyon looks even more nervous as he joins Petuka in the ring.

Backstage, Brian Bayless walks into his cousin Bobby’s office.

Bobby: Hi-ya, pal!

Brian: Good to have you back, Bobby

Bobby: (Confused) I didnt go anywhere

Brian: Of course you didnt, Bobby

Bobby: I have to go meet Hilda’s folks

Brian: Okay, I can drive you after the show.

Bobby: We are going to the Golden Corral! They have a chocolate fountain!

Brian: Bobby, you are the GM of the show. You cant just get up and leave.

Bobby: You can be the GM tonight!

Brian: How are you going to get there?

Bobby: I got the Wienermobile from Biff Kensington! (Puts on old-timey aviation goggles) See ya later, gator! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: (Looks down Bobby while pondering something in his head)

Educated Negro Ensemble vs. TatR & Shelton Benjamin vs. ????? vs. ???????

And we are awaiting to see who will appear. And its Jose Gomez, the man the ENE beat down at the 4th of July celebration. And its Beard Money, everyone’s favorite dancin’ hillbilly. HA HA HA HA HA…………………GIT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Distinguished Devin Harris looks disgusted as his former dancin’ pal does a ho down in front of the ring. And wait a minute, the ENE leave the ring. Night grabs a mic:

Night: We did not issue this challenge to feed into stereotypes like this (points at Beard Money)

FunkDoc: Have you ever seen a dancing hillbilly before?

Harris: If this institution was keen on making a halfway believable stereotypical caricature, you would have this Cretan from the backwoods (points at Beard Money) put on a “Make America Great” hat and blame the illegal citizens of this country instead of the unpatriotic employers who send out jobs away and want you to blame the poor! So guess what, we are gone for the day as I would never disgrace my scholars by partaking in the stereotypes that you all want.

(The ENE all leave as the crowd boos)

AndyPG has just arrived at the BOD Arena! Wade Michael runs up to him.

Wade: Andy, I understand that you’re moderating the contract signing tonight between Vinson and Abeyance. Do you have any thoughts at this time?

Andy stares at Wade and sighs.

Andy: I can’t believe it’s come to this. That’s my thought, Wade. See you later.

And now, it’s time for our sitdown interview with Matthew Maynard Adams! Let’s go to Wade.

Wade: Matt –

Adams: Matthew.

Wade: Uh, Matthew. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us. Now, most of the BOD knew you as Adam Curry for so many years, but lately you’ve undergone a transformation of a sort. What was your impetus for this change?

Adams: Vengeance.

Wade: Vengeance. Okay. Against whom?

Adams: Anyone.

Wade: Um, alright. Do you think that you deserve to be in this title match? You’ve had quite a rise over the last few months, but are you ready for this?

Adams: Yes.

Wade: Would you care to elaborate on that?

Adams: No.

Wade: Okay. (He starts to look more nervous.) You turned on your tag team partners and ever since, you’ve been simply wrestling and leaving. It’s a far cry from your former carefree personality. Do you think that this change has been responsible for your recent wins?

Adams gets up from his seat, and Wade recoils! Adams smiles.

Adams: Judgment.

Adams superkicks Wade Michael! Wade Michael goes down! Adams turns towards the camera and points down at the now unconscious Wade Michael and draws a thumb across his throat.

Adams: Rendered.

Adams calmly leaves the interview area as medical personnel swarm in to tend to Wade Michael!

Lets check out the BBQ Truck from earlier this week tailgating at the Nebraska vs. Illinois football game.

Mears: (Walks up to a Nebraska fan) Hey, who had the better QBR: Tommie Frazier or Eric Crouch?

Fan: How the hell would I know

Mears: Let me tell you then (kicks the guy in the gut and hits him with a stunner. After that, he walks into the truck.)

Marv: (Rocking the Crestling) When are we watching WrestleMania 19?

Duck: Tomorrow at 8pm

Marv: Wonderful

Macklin: (fed up) Look, ever since I have returned, you have all been ignoring me. And I dont even know if I was missed but I have to leave again. My family is in town and I have been chosen to show them around. And I will be making my famous fruit cobbler for them and not any of you. Do you even want to know why? (No one pays attention) Its because all you do is sit in this truck. There are opportunities to be had out there but no, you all sit here and drink and watch the WWE Network! Well I have had enough and when I come back, its going to be to compete. (Macklin leaves)

Mears: God dammit that fucking fan belt is squeaky.

GM Bayless is backstage as TatR & Shelton Benjamin approach:

TatR: Hello. I am TatR and I politely request a shot at the BoD Tag Team Titles with my friend Mr. Benjamin

(The Herb Kunze’s approach)

Dock Muraco: (Boasting his “Wake Me Up When It Reaches ****1/2” shirt) Hold on one minute. Not one of these guys has seen an Ibushi match since the show started so my partner and I deserve a shot.

(Mikey Mike & WWF1987 walk-in)

Mikey: The best two members of Camp Cleveland are left and we are getting a shot at the titles before anyone else, especially TatR and the guy with a crush on him.

(Strike Force walk-in)

Indeed: (Mar Solo is fist pumping and high stepping in place like a psycho as Indeed addresses Camp Cleveland) Like hell you are getting a title shot over us (Both teams get in each others faces and a commotion ensues

Brian: Enough! Enough! You know what, I am going back to the office to work out the details but next week, I am announcing a 16 Team Tag Tournament, with the winner becoming the new #1 contender.

It is now time for the BoD Writer’s Championship Challenge. Out comes Tommy Hall and his manager, Biff Kensington III, as they await any former writer, BoD past or present, to get into the ring with the champ.

BoD Writer’s Title Open Challenge: Tommy Hall (c) w/ Biff Kensington III vs.

Tommy, sporting a Sedric Toney throwback from the “NBA 3rd Round Collection,” awaits his opponent. And out comes………………………………..Chris Cucchiara!!!!!!! The Cucch comes out with glowsticks and making jerkoff motions while mocking the D-X Entrance. He enters the ring and gets immediately attacked by the champ. Tommy whips Cucch into the corner then flattens him with a clothesline. Tommy makes the mistake of lowering his head for a backdrop attempt and gets kicked in the face as a result. Cucch hits a facecrusher and gets two off of that. Gutwrench powerbomb gets two. Cucch heads up top for a senton but Tommy rolls out of the way. Tommy gets up and puts the boots to the Cucch. He picks up Cucch and tries a DDT but Cucch shoves him against the ropes then takes him down with a forearm smash. Cucch charges at Tommy but gets caught with a powerslam. Tommy drags Cucch a bit closer to the corner then hits him with the Vader Bomb for the win. And now, a clapping Biff Kensington grabs the mic:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner and BoD Writer’s Champion, Tommy Hall. This is the man who will make the BoD great again!”

The cameras are racing backstage as Bill Ray is found battered and bloodied. He was supposed to get his rematch for the C-List Title tonight but that does not appear to be happening now.

And now, Kensington Enterprises presents: HOSSCABULARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoss: HELLO! MY NAME IS HOSS AND I AM THE BoD WORLD CHAMPION. TODAY, YOU CAN LEARN TO SPEAK LIKE ME.

Word of the day is HOSS-OP-O-LY (n)

Hoss: HOSSOPOLY IS WHEN I WALK INTO A ROOM WITHOUT ICE CREAM AND HAVE TO TAKE YOURS. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE

(Cut to a filmed scene)

Chet: (Petrified and eating ice cream) I love chocolate brownie ice cream

Hoss: (Walks in and sees Chet) Hey! (snatches ice cream from Chet) This is a Hossopoly. (Picks up Chet and hits him with a Pants Shitter) And that was fun! HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

(PAID FOR BY KENSINGTON ENTEPRISES)

Next week, the Job Mob will be here in full force. And what will Kaptain Kiwi have to say when he returns to the BoD. Plus, action from Biscuit and others!!!!

And now, it’s time for the contract signing of Vinson and Abeyance! AndyPG heads down to the ring, looking as though the weight of the world is on his shoulders. And there’s music of former World Champion Abeyance! He calmly walks to the ring and takes his seat, steepling his fingers under his chin and watching the ramp. And now, the music of Jef Vinson! He and his valet make their way to the ring, Abeyance watching him the whole time with barely concealed rage.

AndyPG: Okay guys, just sign the contract and-

Vinson grabs the mic out of his hand.

Vinson: Andy, my friend. I’m going to sign the contract, no problem. But I have a few things to say, first. Abeyance. I’m a sporting fellow as you well know, and I’d like to offer you this one chance to back out of this match. I haven’t forgotten that you helped me with Cult back in the day, and you can accept this act of mercy because of that. We’ll go our own ways, Abeyance. How about that?

Abeyance grabs the contract out of AndyPG’s hands and signs it, tossing it down on the table. Vinson smiles and shakes his head.

Vinson: Abey, you shouldn’t have done that. Do you know why people follow me, Abeyance? Do you know why you did it? Do you know why (he points to Andy) he does it? Because they know, Abeyance, they know that there are fleeting moments in life where you’re blessed with the chance to bask in the presence of greatness. You didn’t have a problem following me when you were on my private plane! You didn’t have a problem taking whatever I offered when it helped you get what you wanted, did you? You’re a hypocrite, Abeyance! You knew that even being around Jef Vinson made you better! You knew, just like this man does, that I don’t just offer the finest things in life when it comes to earthly pleasures; I give you the pleasure of Vinson! That’s the finest thing there is! You were lucky to stand in my wake, Abeyance; and you’re not walking away this time. This time, you’re going to be eclipsed by the sun that IS Jef Vinson!

Vinson signs the contract and gestures to AndyPG and begins to take his leave, but Abeyance gets the mic.

Abeyance: Vinson. Vinson. You really believe all that, don’t you? You’ve made your whole world about feeding your ego enough to ascend into this pseudo-godhood you portray, don’t you? Remember when you told me that our stories weren’t the same, Vinson? Because you’re wrong. I watched you, Jef. I watched you overcome Jobber last year to take that title, and one of the things that I remember is how much I wanted to be you, Vinson. That’s why I stood at your side, Jef. I stood by your side because deep down, you’re right – that’s all I ever wanted was the chance to learn how you became who you were. I saw a man who stood up and said that he was going to take what he wanted, obstacles be damned!

Vinson has a smirk on his face. Abeyance continues.

Abeyance: But then, I saw what it did to you, Jef. I saw what happened when you got what you wanted, Vinson. I saw how getting what you wanted changed you. You started to believe your own fable. You started to believe that you could do no wrong. That’s why we lost to Kensington, Jef! We lost because of YOU. We lost because we all stood behind you because, at the end of the day, we all wanted to BE Jef Vinson. The great Jef Vinson. We followed you to the ends of the earth, and now we’re here. Now I have to fight you, Jef. I have to do it because I have to bring back the Jef Vinson that I wanted to follow, the man that deserved to be idolized. Not the arrogant, narcissistic jackass that you’ve become, but the man that could be again. (Abeyance pauses) It’s funny, isn’t it Jef? In the end, I’m still doing all of this for you. (He turns to AndyPG) Andy, you have to see all this. It’s gotten out of hand. (He points at Vinson) We bled for that man! We stepped into hell for him! And now we’re going to do it again! When is enough enough for you?!

AndyPG looks stricken and opens his mouth, but Vinson is back in the ring and grabs the mic.

Vinson: Pretty speech, Abeyance. Here’s the thing you forgot – I earned that title! I defended that title for months, something you never did, because I was that damned good. See, you seem to think that you can bring back something that I left behind over a year ago on purpose. I didn’t become anything new, Abeyance – I evolved into the man I was always going to be! And now, I have no desire to return to the past when I know the future holds even more greatness! (He whips off his sunglasses and slams his hands on the table!) Jef Vinson is moving forward, Abeyance, and you’re getting left behind. Tell yourself whatever you want, but you had your chance, and you blew it! I’m JEF VIN-

AndyPG grabs the mic from Jef’s hands! Vinson looks shocked, as does Abeyance!

Andy: Enough! Both of you, enough! I can’t believe we’re here, you idiots! I’m in the ring with 2 former World Champions, and all you can talk about is a bunch of bullshit! No one cares, no one! So here’s the thing; I’m going to ref this match right down the middle, and whoever wins, wins. I’ve got nothing left for either of you. I stood here, you signed the contract, and I’m leaving. And I’m not leaving with YOU (he points at Vinson); I’m my own man, and I’m going find where I’m going on my own.

AndyPG throws the mic down and jumps from the ring as Abeyance and Vinson watch him go, shocked! They turn towards each other and go nose to nose! Vinson’s valet tries to pull Vinson back, but they’re not backing down! Who will win at Hell in a Cell?