BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, we see Bobby Bayless and Hilda enter out of their Weinermobile. Hilda is double-fisting sour straws while Bobby is humming his theme song, “Baby, You a Rich Man To.”

Last week, Kensington Enterprises was forced into a Wargames match with all their titles on the line! But after the show, they got some measure of revenge with a dastardly attack on Jef Vinson in the parking lot! What is the former champion’s condition? Will he be healthy for Wargames at BOD Night of Champions? Or will Kensington have the last laugh? All this, and more Bobby Bayless, tonight on BOD Raw!!!!!

We’re in the ring with Biff and the rest of Kensington Enterprises to open our show this week. Biff has a mic:

Biff: There’s something you all should know about me – I don’t like to lose. Never have. When I was a young lad and someone dared to defeat me in polo, I made sure their horse got the Godfather treatment afterwards! And that, my friends, is the power of money! So, in that vein, I’d like to ask the members of Vinson’s little quilting group to come out and face the music….right….NOW!

And, on the stage, here they come! It’s AndyPG, Kaptain Kiwi, and Abeyance; no sign of Vinson or Robert Davis.

Biff: Oh, it looks like you’re missing a few of your boys, PG! Where, pray tell, is Vinson? Or that reprobate Davis?

Andy has a mic of his own.

Andy: I wouldn’t worry about that, Biff. See, we had to leave Davis restrained in the back on advice of Vinson’s overpriced lawyers, who warned us that there’s no such thing as justifiable homicide in the context of a wrestling match, and Davis has made it clear that the next time he sees you, that’s a distinct possibility. As for Vinson, he’s here, don’t worry about that; now say your piece.

Biff: Alright, Andy. I’m going to give you all a chance to pull out of this match. One chance.

Abeyance grabs the mic.

Abeyance: Biff, there’s nothing on earth that’s going to stop me from getting in that cage next week and taking vengeance for what you’ve done. Nothing.

Biff smiles.

Biff: Well, have it your way. But you should know something, boys. (He produces the contract from last week) My even more overpriced lawyers have been working on this document, and we’ve gotten Bobby Bayless to agree to a, what do you call it, a rider of sorts. Let me read it out loud for you. “Should Vinson’s team lose, they shall be barred from competing for ANY Kensington-held title forward.” You get that, Abeyance? You lose on Sunday, it’s OVER! You don’t get another shot at ANY of my boys for as long as we hold these belts! So, let me ask you a question…..are you willing to roll the dice? Are you willing to risk EVERYTHING on one match?

Before Abeyance can answer, the music of Jef Vinson hits! His arm is in a cast, and he’s leaning on his valet slightly, but he’s here! He motions for the mic from Abeyance, but Biff is doubled over in laughter.

Biff: Hey Vinson, what happened to that arm, buddy? You look a little worse for the wear. Say the word, and I rip this contract in half and we forget this whole thing.

Vinson regards Biff with an amused look on his face and nods to his valet, who brushes the hair out of his eyes.

Vinson: Biff, Biff, Biff. Do you really think we need more than one shot at the titles? You’re a bunch of paper champions, Kensington. You’ve got tag champs that needed 2 DQs and an 8 on 2 handicap match to retain their belts, a B+ champion (Extant looks incensed to be referred to in this way!) who needed you to buy a corporation to get him the belt, and a whale that walks upright that needed a weakened champion and a cash-in after a 30 minute war to get HIS belt, and as for the writer’s champion…..well, there’s nothing to say there that would matter. (He nods to his valet, and she heads backstage.) None of your ‘champions’ have been able to win a match on their own in months! So, you ask me if I’ll be ready for Wargames…..nothing could stop me! What I want to know is, which one of you will quit? Which of Kensington is going to get enough of their bones broken to finally cry uncle? I know, I know, it’ll probably be Hall, right? Well, let me holler at you….it’s you, Hoss. I’m going to make it my mission to make you scream in agony at decibels only dogs can hear before you return MY title where it rightfully belongs!

Hoss walks to the front of Kensington and takes the mic.

Hoss: HOSS HUNGRY, GIVE HOSS ICE CREAM! (He pauses) Vinson, there isn’t a world that you can even conceptualize that will make me give up this title! Mr. Biff not only keeps me in ice cream, he’s one of the best strategists that you’ll ever meet! Let me tell you, he’s goi-

Biff shakes his head no and grabs the mic from Hoss, who looks slightly chastened. He leans down and says “HOSS WANT ICE CREAM!!!!” and Biff smiles whilst snapping his fingers and a pint of double peanut butter chocolate chip comes flying in the ring like an Austin beer, Hoss digs in.

Biff: Alright, Vinson. You can do whatever you want. It’s your funeral. That having been said, I’ve been told that our main event tonight is AndyPG and Robert Davis against Curtzerker, but I still don’t see Davis anywhere. Did he finally get some sense knocked into him?

Vinson chuckles and points to the BOD tron, which is now focused on the Kensington Enterprises limousine in the parking lot….wait! That’s Vinson’s valet with Robert Davis! And he’s holding Jughead!

Davis: Where is it?

The valet points towards the limo, and says ‘oui, oui’ when Davis acknowledges. Davis turns towards the camera.

Davis: See you tonight, Biff. Unless, of course, you want to come on out back and see me now. (His eyes narrow) Welcome to Hell, Biff. Welcome…..to the END.

Davis attacks the limo with Jughead! He smashes in the windows, the taillights, the headlights, the doors, everything! Biff attempts to send the troops up the ramp to stop them, but Vinson’s Ensemble is ready for the fight as Kiwi, Andy, and Abeyance engage! They’re brawling everywhere while Vinson locks eyes with Biff in the ring!

Bill Ray, the C-List champ, has made his way to the ring. The women at ringside are close to fainting as he slicks his hair back. Up next, a #1 contenders match!

DBSM vs “Happening” Harry Broadhurst

Harry Fact # 77: Candice Lerae is the hottest women’s wrestler on the planet. Harry Fact #78: Harry won $18.50 in his Fantasy Football league last year, and Harry Fact #1…..HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DBSM is accompanied by the C-List posse, who glare at Bill Ray polishing his belt at ringside, all the while tapping his trusty baseball bat against the railing. DBSM gets in Harry’s face and tries for a cheapshot…..but Harry caught his arm and goes behind! BACKSLIDE! 1,2,3! Harry Broadhurst is the #1 contender for the C-List title!!!! He didn’t even break a sweat and he points to Bill Ray; he wants the belt! Bill Ray gets up slowly and stares at the man who never does the job. Who will prevail for the prestigious C-List title at Night of Champions?

In the back, Justice Gray and Rockstar Gary are playing cards and drinking whiskey.

Rockstar: Flush, baby! I’m so good at this game!

Justice: Gary, that’s 2 hearts and 3 diamonds.

Rockstar: All reds, man! (He takes another shot of whiskey, with about a 3^rd of the bottle left) I’m a champ!

Justice: Speaking of that, we have to defend our belts next week at BOD Night of Champions. You know that, right?

Rockstar: I’m ready! I’ve got the Eye of the Lion!

Justice: Tiger, Gary.

Rockstar: No, Lion! Like that dentist dude! (He holds up a marble)

Justice: That’s a marble, Gary, not a lion’s eye. (He sighs) I don’t know what’s going on with Bayless. He’s a champ too, but he’s been really distant and weird about it. He’s been spending all his time with Bobby and not getting ready for this.

Rockstar: We’ll win, dude! EYE OF THE LION!!! (He picks up the whiskey bottle and finishes it off.)

(Justice shakes his head and looks apprehensive. Enters Brian Bayless)

Brian: Sorry I haven’t been around lately, guys. Bobby is useless and not helping me out with getting the info for his kids. I had to ask Aunt Peggy and now I am picking them up in a few weeks for a bacherlor party that is taking place inside of a fucking pirate ship fort in his mother’s backyard. With that being said, I will have to step down as part of this team.

Justice: Well, who will take your place?

Brian: I found and old friend. (Shows Big D Wangston, double fisting Natty Ice, on the groud)

Rockstar: Hey! More Booze!!!!

Big D: (Hands Gary a beer) Here you go, teammate!

Brian: And Justice, you will be busy too as with Bobby gone and tied up with wedding shit, you will be in charge. Good luck man (Pats Justice on the back. Brian walks away as Justice stares him down before looking on the ground at his borderline functional alcoholic teammates.)

It’s a spotlight! No, wait, it’s TWO spotlights! That can only mean one thing…..there is John Petuka! And, in the slightly smaller spotlight, his new protégé, Peyton_Drinking! Petuka takes his usual deep breath, and turns to Peyton, who does the same…..STEREO POINTING TO THE SIGN! GIVE THEM ALL THE TITLES! And there’s the Bang! as the banner unfurls “BODMania III…..with John Petuka”. They make their way to the ring, and it’s going to be Peyton in action tonight. There have been rumors that Petuka has taken such a shine to his new protégé that he’s been teaching him the secrets of the PETUKA BAZOOKA, still the most feared finishing maneuver in all of Blog Sports Entertainment! And Petuka has a mic!

Petuka: Now then, witness the glory of the FUTURE KINGS!! And, as for you, Koko B. Flair, you’re just the first of many to fall to my newest recruit and his new finisher….(He hands the mic to Peyton)

Peyton: ….the Peyton Raygun!

Peyton_Drinking vs Koko B. Flair

Peyton and Flair circle each other and lockup. Drinking gets a standing side headlock, Flair pushes him off the ropes, Peyton with a shoulderblock! Petuka cheers on the outside as Drinking gets Flair up and sends him the corner….running knee by Drinking! He dominates with rights and lefts, cross-corner whip, but Flair gets the boot up. Flair with a clothesline! He looks for a suplex, but Peyton floats over and gets a backstabber! He gets Flair up….Peyton Raygun! Not as impressive as the BAZOOKA, but enough nonetheless. 1,2,3, Peyton_Drinking wins!After the match, Petuka comes in to celebrate, and they put the boots to Flair…..but here’s Matthew Maynard Adams! He’s come out to the ring, and Petuka and Peyton beat a hasty retreat to the ramp.

Adams has a mic:

Adams: Night of Champions, Petuka….judgment will be rendered.

And we’ve just received word that that match is official! John Petuka will face Matthew Maynard Adams at Night of Champions!

Wade Michael is in the back with Abeyance and Jef Vinson.

Wade: I’m here with two former World Champions, who will be in action at BOD Night of Champions in a Wargames match! Jef, let’s start with you. Will you be at 100%, or is there real concern that your team won’t have you at full strength?

Vinson: Wade, I’ll tell you something. Last week, Kensington tried to take me out; but they underestimated Jef Vinson once again. I don’t care if I’m 100% or not, there’s going to be nothing to stop me from taking back MY title-

Abeyance: Yeah, about that – why do you get the title when we win this thing? After all, I mean, last time we wrestled, I did win, and I was the one that got beat, so I would think-

Vinson: We talked about this. The B+ title is far too low on the totem pole for a man of my stature, and when you get it, you and I can have a title for title match. (Chuckles) After all, don’t forget, I had you pinned for about a 12 count in that match, so I wouldn’t get too big on yourself, okay? You’ll get another brush with Vinson soon enough, Abeyance.

Abeyance: I still don’t see why-

Vinson: I don’t care-

They start yelling at each other! They go nose to nose but here comes AndyPG and Kiwi to separate them!

AndyPG: Wade, go away, alright? Tensions are high enough around here. We’ll be on the same page, don’t worry.

Wade leaves the room as Vinson and Abeyance continue to exchange barbs with each other.

Shelton Benjamin & TatR vs. “Distinguished” Devin Harris & RAWBot1112 w/ Night & X Man

The Educated Negro Ensemble made this match last week. Night and X-Man are laughing outside of the ring. Match starts with Shelton and RAWBot going back and forth. DDH slaps Shelton from the apron and that allows RAWBot to hit a high knee. DDH tags and targets the back. Shelton gets tossed into the corner but gets his foot up on a charge by DDH. Shelton hits a dropkick then tags TatR, who comes in and works the arm. Night and X Man are on the apron as that distracts the ref, allowing RAWBot to choke out TatR. DDH hits TatR with a delayed vertical suplex, which Wade Michael Meltzer learned is called the “Lux et Veritas.” How distinguished. TatR is getting double-teamed in the corner while Night pulls an instrument case from underneath the ring then opens it up to reveal a violin. X Man yells at the crowd “Do you even know what this instrument is called?” In the ring, RAWBot hits a neckbreaker as Night plays the violin. The crowd does not care for this as Night tells us he learned this at Oxford University. RAWBot tags and tries a 450 splash but misses as both men are down. TatR crawls over to his partner for the tag but X Man yanks Shelton off of the apron. TatR pulls himself up and starts slugging away at RAWBot but DDH comes in and its 2 on 1……………..and the same on the outside as Night and X Man are beating on Shelton. Its 4 on 2 as the Educated Negro Ensemble are dominating. They stop and stand in the ring as Night has the mic:

“Here is your lesson: The dominate number will always prevail.”

Who will stop the Educated Negro Ensemble?

Backstage, Brian enters Bobby’s office.

Brian: Bobby (Playing Game Gear). Bobby!

Bobby: Hey cuz!

Brian: Your mom gave me the contact information of your friends.

Bobby: Did you try to use a go kart again for a computer? HA HA HA HA HA

Brian: (angry) Dammit, Bobby. I dont have time to explain technology to you.

Bobby: Want to play American Gladiators!!!!

Brian: I dont have time for that either.

Bobby: (Standing on an office chair) I’m Nitro!!!!!! C’mon, Brian, dont be a cruiserweight.

Brian: Jesus Bobby get down before you get hurt.

Bobby: I’m the king of the …… (Bobby falls, smashing his head off of the desk)

Brian: (Panicked) Bobby!! Bobby!!!

Hilda walks in with two big gulps and a DVD of “Mulan”

Bobby: (Slowly comes to it and seems a lot different, not his usual dumbass self) Ow. (Looks at Hilda) Who is this lumpy bitch?

Brian: (Completely taken aback) What! Bobby, that’s your fiance Hilda.

Hilda: Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby: Damn bitch, step off. I dont want any craters in this floor.

Hilda runs out of the room crying.

Brian: Jesus Christ, Bobby. Why were you so mean to Hilda?

Bobby: I don’t know that sasquatch. And why you calling me Bobby? My name is……………….. Bob Swaggy.

Brian: You are Bobby Bayless and you hit your head. C’mon I will take to the hospital.

Bobby: Step off punk before I jimmy jack that chain!

Brian: I dont have a chain and why are you talking like that?

Bobby: Why are you a goofy motherfucker?

Brian: I am finished. I hope the Big Man From Saskatoon is happy with who he has in charge. (Brian leaves as Bob Swaggy tosses up gang signs.)

Lets hear from two teams that will face off next week at BoD Night of Champions:

Fuj: Hart Killer and Joe Dust, don’t you think for one minute that I have forgot about your aborted sneak attack. At BoD Night of Champions, my new protege, the Brazilian Psycho, will beat you on our way to the top. And like I have been saying, when I get pinned, I will leave the BoD………………forever.

Hart: Fuj, Brazilian, I have not heard such lunacy since the last time Bruce Hart explained how the universe was created. At BoD Night of Champions, myself and Joe Dust will take you down as you put on the worst performance since Bret played Aladdin.

In the crowd, we hear an overwhelming “HUSS” chant that is echoing throughout the arena, which tonight appears to be one giant HUSS section. HUSS! HUSS! HUSS! HUSS! HUSS!!!

In the parking lot, Men with Macklin are inside of the BBQ truck.

Macklin: (Looks around at Marv and Duck watching episodes of “TNT” on the WWE Network) Guys, we need to do something. There is more than just watching streaming devices.

Marv and Duck are not paying attention

Macklin: And Mears is still in the parking lot of the Fighting Illini stadium. He wants to preserve his tailgating spot but that does not mean we have to sit here and wait. I returned to the BoD, not to take a back seat or be a nice guy, but to head to the top. Macklin is the future and everyone else is going to be left behind. (Macklin dramatically leaves as Marv and Duck react to the door closing)

Marv: Want some banana pancakes?

Duck: Sure.

Backstage, Brian Bayless is on the phone:

“Hey, so get this: Bobby was standing on a chair in his office when all of a sudden, he fell off and whacked his head. Now instead of a dumbass, he is a wannabe gangsta rapper. Its sad and somewhat hilarious but more sad than anything. He is refusing hospital care. Yes, I know he is a dumbass but he is still family. Yeah, call me back.”

And now, lets check in from the Alps to get the latest news on the BoD Network:

Stranger: (To the director) You know what, to hell with your script. We are going live tonight. I am a jack of all trades and master of some.

Director: You contract says….

Stranger: It doesnt matter what the contract says.

Stranger: (Live) Hello. I am former BoD Writer’s Champion Stranger in the Alps. I am an idol to the elderly and icon to the children. But now, I sit back and relax with my pizza and stack of “B” movies to tell you about the BoD Network. For just $1.99 you can view the classic moments, such as me winning the Writer’s Title, Kaptain Kiwi overcoming the worst year ever to capture the BoD Solid B+ Player Title, and more.

(Assistant slips a note to Stranger)

Stranger: And dont forget to tune into BoD RAW next week for a rap concert conducted by Bob Swaggy? Who the fuck is Bob Swaggy. That is it, I have had it with these scripts.

Director: You signed a contract.

Stranger:Really Jimmy, you didnt read the contract. Did You?

(Light flashes through the window. Stranger looks out to check but does not see anything)

Next week, on BoD RAW, we will have in addition to the Bob Swaggy concert, a rematch between the “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten vs. The Canadian Dream, Mister E Mahn, in a three stages of hell match. Here are the stages:

1. Hockey Shootout
2. Jousting
3. Lion’s Den Match

Backstage, AndyPG and Vinson are standing outside the locker room.

Andy: Dude, you and Abeyance have to hold it together, you know? This is a big match; everything is on the line.

Vinson: I know, I know. We’ll be good, don’t worry. It’ll all be fine. Come Sunday, we’ll all be wearing gold again, and that alleviates all concerns. (He knocks on the door, and Robert Davis emerges) You ready, Davis?

Davis looks at him, and SLAMS the door with Jughead! The wood splinters as Davis stares back at Vinson.

Vinson: (Turning to Andy) I think he’s ready. Let’s go.

The main event is NEXT!

Curtzerker vs AndyPG & Robert Davis

Kensington makes their way to the ring to the music of Curtzerker, which causes the HUSS section to go wild! Berzerker can barely walk to the ring without Williams pulling him along, he’s hypnotized by the HUSS. Biff is not with Kensington, it appears. Tommy Hall, Hoss, and Extant are pumping up the tag champs as the music of the Jef Vinson hits the speakers, and here comes Vinson’s Ensemble! At the top of the ramp, Andy and Davis look at each other, nod, and rush the ring! The fight is on! We’re starting off with Andy and Curtis in the ring, exchanging rights and lefts. Andy sends Williams off the ropes and puts him down with a back elbow. He starts to work the arm of Curtis, but Curtis gets out of a wristlock and sweeps Andy’s leg. Tag to Berzerker! The HUSS section goes wild! Berzerker comes at Andy, but Andy catches him with a drop toehold and tags in Robert Davis. Davis drops an elbow, a second, a third! He picks Berzerker up and sends him off the ropes, dropdown by Davis, Davis attempts a ‘rana but Berzerker catches him and powerbombs him!

Berzerker drags Davis over to the corner and tags in Curtis, who slingshots in with a legdrop. He suplexes Davis and starts to focus on the knee. Stomps to the knee. Kneecrusher by Williams. He taunts Andy on the apron, and the ref stops him from coming in, allowing Curtzerker to double-team Davis in the corner. Phantom tag brings Berzerker back in. DDT by Berzerker! 1,2, no! Berzerker goes back to the knee, wrenching it and turning Davis over in a Texas Cloverleaf! Will Davis tap? Ref goes to check, and Williams pushes on Berzerker’s head for leverage. Ref caught him! He forces Berzerker to break the hold. Tag back to Williams, who’s heading for the top rope…..big elbow misses! Both wrestlers are down! Davis crawls for the tag, Williams as well. Williams makes the tag! Berzerker attempts to drag Davis back over, but Davis rolls him up. 1,2, no! Berzerker continues to punish the knee of Davis. He sets him up in the corner and charges…Davis moved! Berzerker hit the post! AndyPG is begging for the tag…..Davis makes the tag! AndyPG is in, fists and fire! He takes out Williams in the other corner, and goes to work on Berzerker! Enzuigiri by Andy! Rolling neckbreaker by Andy! 1,2,no! Irish whip, Berzerker reverses….Andy hits a tope through the ropes on the rest of Kensington! Berzerker looks ready to fly himself….but from behind, it’s Davis! He’s hobbled, but he still manages a clubbing blow to the back of Berzerker’s head. Davis is hopping up and down, but he grits his teeth….Welcome to Riverdale Driver! But he’s not the legal man! It’s chaos at ringside now, everyone going at it, Davis goes to the top rope, bodypress takes everyone out! And now Vinson is in the ring, behind the ref’s back….he takes off his cast! It’s a fake! He gets Berzerker up….TKO by Vinson! He goes over and throws AndyPG back in the ring who crawls for the cover….1,2,3!

Biff appears on the ramp as Vinson’s ensemble continues to beat Kensington down at ringside, sending them to the railing and taking control of the ring! They’ve got all the titles in their hands and are raising them high! But Biff doesn’t appear concerned at all – he holds up his cell phone and taps his cranium as Kiwi, Abeyance, Vinson, and Andy pose in the ring with the belts! Kensington stumbles back up the ramp and point at their belts…..and Davis has come to! He sees Biff, who drops the smug look and heads to the back as Davis races after him! WHO WILL WIN WARGAMES AT BOD NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS??? GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!!

BoD Night of Champions next Monday night.