BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

That’s the music of Kensington Enterprises, and here’s Biff with the mic!

Biff: So, last week, my celebration was rudely interrupted by a bunch of SORE LOSERS. I should have expected that type of behavior, honestly. But let me get down to the heart of the matter, because no one from Kensington has a match next, which means that I know that you’re eager to buy the hottest selling merchandise there is, Kensington Enterprises merch! And you can all run to the stand in a few minutes, don’t worry. Right now, though, let me address what the FORMER World Champion said last week. Do you see what is in this ring? These are ATHLETES, not barbarians, not simpletons who will bloody themselves for YOUR amusement. So, to wind it up, NO Jef Vinson, there will be no Wargames. I care about the health and well-being of my superstars, and I have no plans to kowtow to a bunch of pansies that cry about how they lost! Biff has spo-

Wait! On the BOD tron, it’s Jef Vinson! His lovely valet is massaging his shoulders.

Vinson: Biff, Biff. We need to talk, buddy. You seem to have a misconception about what I said last week.

Biff: Oh really, Vinson? How’s that?

Vinson: You assumed I was ASKING you for the match. Let me dissuade you of that notion – Jef Vinson doesn’t ask for anything. (His valet clears her throat behind him) Well, almost anything. So let me explain it to you clearly –not only is there going to be Wargames against us, but since it’s at Night of Champions, you’re also going to put ALL your titles on the line in the match.

Biff: You’re insane.

Vinson: People have accused me of worse, Biff. But let me assure you, by the end of the night, that match is happening, big dog. Trust me.

(Hoss grabs the mic from Biff)

Hoss: WANT ICE CREAM!!! (Pause) Also, Vinson, I know you’ve been wanting your rematch for this belt here – why not come on down and do that right now? I heard all that noise you were spouting last week after the show – let me tell you something, this title not only gets me discounts at ALL the ice cream stores in the tri-state area, it looks great when I wear it. My ONLY regret from Summerslam is that I didn’t get to rip you apart instead of Abeyance, so why not just do it right now? (Pause) ICE CREAM NOW.

Biff tosses him a pint of Mint Chocolate Cookie and he digs in. Biff turns back towards the screen, smiling.

Biff: You know what, Vinson? That’s a great idea. Why not? Let’s do it right now!

(Jef chuckles on the screen)

Vinson: You don’t get it, do you Biff? See, here’s the problem. (Vinson narrows his eyes) I have every intention of getting that title back around this gorgeous waist of mine. (Valet sighs and looks….downward) This isn’t just about that belt. For months, you’ve been directing your guys to break every rule, to make a mockery of a title I fought for with my blood! You may think that Jef Vinson doesn’t care about those types of things; nothing could be further from the truth. I bled for that belt. Do I want it back? More than you’ll ever know, you simpletons. (Extant looks particularly offended) But there’s only one thing I want more than that at this moment in time. (Vinson leans in close to the camera) I want to get your boys in a giant cage. I want to hear them scream, I want to see them bleed, I want that blood to pour out in rivers until I have enough to bathe in like a male Elizabeth Bathory! I want to hear their bones snap underneath my boots, I want to see Davis take that crowbar and rake it across foreheads, and I WANT to hear the whimpers and tears from you on the outside as we take everything from you that you took from US. (He stands and spreads his arms, and the camera goes wide, revealing AndyPG, Kaptain Kiwi, Abeyance, and Robert Davis behind him, Davis especially straining while AndyPG holds him back) Those belts aren’t toys for you to make money off of, Biff – they’re the standard bearers of this great sport! And I WILL take back my title at Night of Champions! But the only way that I want to get it back is stained with blood. See you later tonight, Biff – keep an eye out. Davis here in particular would very much like a few….words with you. Your brush with Vinson…..is OVER!!

Jef Vinson has promised that by the end of the night, Wargames will be set for Night of Champions! Kensington looks unsure of themselves in the ring, but Biff rallies them around, and he seems to have them under control for the time being.

Earlier this week, Wade Michael was dispatched to Riverdale, to cover a….house fire?

Wade Michael: I’m in Riverdale, for some god-forsaken reason, because I was told that there was BOD news going on here. For the life of me, I can’t figure out what the deal is, but here’s the info I was given – apparently, this house behind me was sold just last week, and this week burned to the ground. Police are asking for the BOD’s help if they have any information to lead to-

(In the background, the police are restraining a raging Reggie, formerly of the Riverdale Covenant)

Reggie: IT’S STACKHOUSE, I SWEAR!! WE’RE ALL FUCKED!!

Wade: Uh, I guess….I don’t know. Whatever. Back to the action.

TatR & Shelton Benjamin vs. Super Smarkz

The Super Smarkz are the new team of Yeehaw & Fly Academic. TatR & Shelton start off by tagging in-and-out quickly as they beat on Fly. Shelton tries a corner splash but Fly moves out of the way then tries a Phoenix Splash that misses. He tags Yeehaw, who gets hit with a jumping back elbow smash courtesy of TatR, setting up for the IrriTatR and the win via submission. TatR & Shelton celebrate but here come the Educated Negro Ensemble to put an end to that. Night grabs the microphone:

“Well, TatR and Mr. Benjamin, the question is what did we learn today? Do you know the answer to that? Surprisingly enough, it is not cowboys from England that love to eat shrimp. The answer is………….nothing. We have learned nothing from watching this match. Your victory was small. Its just a statistic. There was nothing earned, no lessons learned. I wouldn’t consider this contest anything more than your basic scrimmage. Does anyone in the crowd know what that word means or were we too busy on social media to listen if, only if your substandard educational system taught you this word? Yes Mr. Harris

“Distinguished” Devin Harris: Webster’s defines the noun scrimmage as an informal game that is played for practice: A game that is not official.

Night: You see, what we just witnessed was just a scrimmage. Those opponents have no track record. Mr. Benjamin, would you and your love interest partner like to face someone with a track record?

(TatR & Shelton huddle)

TatR: We will face anyone and everyone.

X-Man: While the miscreants in the crowd and at home are familiar with that debauchery of the English language, those who are educated need a translation.

DDH: What these two are trying to say is the following: They are eager and willing to engage in combat with any persons who dare cross their path. So, with that being said, next week on BoD RAW we will see the team of TatR & Mr. Benjamin against RAWBot112 and myself.

RAWBot112: And I can promise you two this: We will not partake in any acts of funk.

DDH: We shall only partake in violence (points at both men in the ring) and the definition of that word is…………….THE USE OF PHYSICAL FORCE TO HARM SOMEONE!!!! AND NEXT WEEK, YOU TWO WILL BE HARMED

TatR and Shelton try to look strong but next week they will have to deal with two guys on the outside, as well as the inside. How can they overcome the odds?

Lets check in with the GM, Bobby Bayless and is fiance, Hilda.

Bobby: Hey girl, lets gets some pizza.

Hilda: I want a chocolate chip pizza

Bobby: Me too. Hold the veggies!

Hilda: Veggies are gross

Bobby: They are for cruiserweights and fags!

Hilda: I’m no cruiserweight

Bobby: Neither am I!

(knock at the door)

Bobby: Come in!

(Enters Brian Bayless)

Bobby: Hi Cuz! HA HA HA HA HA

Brian: Hello Bobby and Hilda. Bobby, I understand we are working short tonight so for the holidays.

Bobby: (shocked) Today is a holiday?

Brian: Bobby its Labor Day.

Bobby: What? Hilda’s not pregnant!

Hilda: (Eating a Twix bar) I’m just full.

Brian: (In a state of disbelief) Labor Day is a National holiday. You gave the Men with Macklin the day off to stream episodes of “Parks and Recs” in the BBQ Truck but this time they are not in the parking lot. They are somewhere else. And the Job Mob are in Vegas at a pool party.

Bobby: Jobber is my friend!!! (Holds up a counterfeit Splash Brothers shirt) He gave me this shirt. I’m going to wear it the next time I go to the water park!

Brian: That is wonderful, Bobby. However, you have a show to run and you need some matches.

Bobby: I’m not allowed to light fires. That’s how my first pirate fort burned down.

Brian: Wrestling matches! You need wrestling on a wrestling show.

Bobby: Jobber said the Job Mob want a shot at the Six-Man Titles. Sexy Tanahashi is missing the belts!

Brian: Bobby, I’d love to defend them but I need to plan your bachelor party and I cannot find the contact information of your friends.

Hilda: Why do you think they invented google, you dumbass.

Brian: (Highly Irritated) Because…………I have no information about these people to type into the search engine.

Bobby: Hey pal, its a computer. Not a Go Kart! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

Brian: (Muttering under his breath) I cant believe these fucktards. (Normal Voice) Well Bobby, if you want to give them a title shot, you should do so at Night of Champions. However, I might be too busy to defend. So, I will name a substitute in case that happens.

Bobby: Okay pal!

Hilda: Maybe you can look for that in your engine too (Bobby and Hilda laugh as Bobby makes engine sounds as Brian shakes his head while leaving the office.)

John Petuka has made his way to the ring. He takes a deep breath, and points to the rafters – bang! There’s the sign – BODMania III – with John Petuka – and he’s got on his Petukamania shirt. He’s accompanied by Peyton_Drinking and has a mic. Let’s watch!

Petuka: Last week, an ape that walks like a man came out and tried to jump me while I was just standing innocently in this ring. And, at Summerslam, he jumped this poor young man, my NEW prodigy, Peyton_Drinking right here, and let me tell you something, we’re sick of it! I’ll tell you something Adams, I liked you a lot more when you were toking up with those morons from the Job Mob. So here’s what we’re going to do – myself and Peyton here, we’re going to stand here and call you out like a man! Come on out here, you idiot, and face the power of the PETUKA BAZOOKA! (He hands the mic to Peyton)

Peyton: I’ve been trying to get on this show for months, and now that I’m finally here, I’m not going anywhere! Adams, you tried to take me out when I wasn’t ready, but I’m ready now! Get on out here, bitch!

And there he is! Matthew Maynard Adams, the BOD’s newest enigma, is making his way to the ring in his deliberate pace, never taking his eyes off Petuka or Peyton, who are telling him to bring it on. Adams hops on the ring apron….wait, from under the ring, it’s kbjone! And he’s got his trusty chair! Chairshot to the back of Adams’ legs! Adams falls off the apron, but when kbjone goes to fire off another shot, Adams catches the chair in his hands! He tosses it aside as kbjone looks surprised, and then just laughs his head off as Adams advances on him….wait, Peyton has gone to the top rope….missile dropkick from the top turnbuckle to the back of Adams’ head on the floor! Petuka hops over the top rope and it’s a 3 on 1 beatdown of Adams! Adams fights them off briefly, but 1 man can’t fight off 3 forever, and finally, Adams gets sent to the rail! They continue to pound away, and Peyton pulls back the mats as Petuka gets him up…..PETUKA BAZOOKA ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR! Adams is down for the first time! Petuka slaps Peyton on the chest, while kbjone has already left the ringside area and gone through the crowd, laughing wildly! Petuka grabs the camera.

Petuka: See that, Adams? See what happens when you mess with the future? Go back to your hovel Adams – we ARE the future – (He grabs Peyton and pulls him in towards the camera) THE FUTURE KINGS!

A new team has been born! Petuka and Peyton pose to loud boos as Petuka POINTS TO THE SIGN!

Kyle Conner vs. Logan Scisco

Conner is making his BoD RAW debut against a veteran. Both men struggle to gain the advantage in the early going. Scisco takes Conner down with a armdrag and works the arm for a bit. Conner escapes and sends Scisco into the ropes then catches him with a hiptoss. Conner now takes control as the youngster hits a suplex for a nearfall. He tries a piledriver but Scisco counters that with a backdrop. Scisco tries for the Sharpshooter but Conner pushes him away with his feet. Scisco heads back over as Conner kicks him again. Conner is up and both men have a reversal sequence that ends with Conner hitting a spinebuster. Conner then leaps up top and hits a 450 leg drop for the win!!!! Wow, an exciting BoD RAW debut for this newcomer.

And now here is BoD RAW Legend Stranger in the Alps to tell you all about the BoD Network:

Stranger: (gulps) Wow, what to do today? I ate all my Cookie Crisp and have watched Disorderlies 4 times in a row. (goes to computer) There must be something to watch here. Oh wow (deliberately bad acting on Stranger’s part) what is this for just $1.99? The BoD Network!!!!

(Video plays a montage including Cultstatus winning the Title at BoD Mania I, Biscuit’s Buick Regal drowning in Lake Cuyahoga, the end of the Unstable stable, and more)

(At a car engine) No, that’s not a computer. Act now on this deal and if you don’t you will be a cruiserweight.

Director: And cut!

Stranger: Okay, okay. You know, I have had enough. I am the longest reigning BoD Writer’s Champion. And I give important Power Point presentation’s too. And guess who writes reviews for “B” movies. Me! This Legends Deal sucks. And I am too young to be a legend. I dont give a damn about the contract and dont you bring that up. Let me call up the wonderful people at Papa John’s for my pulled pork pizza. Because that is a Legends Deal with actual benefits! Of course you can have some, it would be just plain rude of me if I didnt offer.

AndyPG walks down the hall, Wade Michael trying to catch up with him.

Wade: Andy, just a second. You know, just 6 months ago, your career appeared to be stalled out, but now, you seem to have all the confidence of the former World Champion. What’s changed, and do you think that he’ll be able to get a Wargames match?

AndyPG: (Smiles) As to your first question, Wade, I’ll plead the fifth except to say that I tried to right a wrong, and came out with a newfound respect for a guy I didn’t respect that much before. Let’s leave it at that. As for the match, well, I think that we’ll see what happens relatively soon. (Abeyance has joined Andy at the interview)

Wade: Abeyance, you’ve now added the phrase ‘former World Champion’ to your list of accomplishments, but I have think that you’re not happy with what happened at all. Do you regret trusting Kensington, and how can you trust Vinson after he swore that you weren’t through with each other yet?

Abeyance: Wade, you can call me a former World Champion if you want, but I prefer to consider myself the future 2-time World Champion, thanks. And no, of course I’m not happy that I trusted that wolf with a bad haircut. But as to your last question, myself and Vinson have an understanding – and we’ll settle our debts with each other when Kensington is put to paid after Wargames. (To Andy) C’mon, Davis is losing his shit in the locker room.

AndyPG: Again? Jesus.

Backstage, we see that Strike Force and Biscuit once again had their belongings destroyed at the hands of Camp Cleveland. Mar Solo, as sluggish as ever, picks up the remaining pieces of his coffee equipment. Matt Indeed has had all of his LA Looks hair product smeared over his windbreaker. He cant even put it on. And Biscuit looks at the remaining pieces of the Robbinsdale, MN 2006 Legion Softball League Championship tote bag. He then looks into the camera:

“CAMP CLEVELAND!!!!!! You have been making my life a living hell for months. You drowned my Buick and destroyed my memories! And the sad part is……………you think you have won. I didnt make it from town to town getting paid in hot dogs and beef jerky to go home and quit. I left the bait shop behind and I am a wrestler. I bring it in the ring every day because I am in the ring every day. Call me Mr. 365 because I never, ever take a day off. If I am not booked, I find a booking. I am a professional, not something those in Cleveland are familiar with. And I do not care what happens next or what might happen because I will show up every day. And every night, twice on the weekends. Camp Cleveland, if you are intent on a war well god dammit we will have one. At BoD Night of Champions, my friends Strike Force will team up and face you and whoever gets pinned will be banned from BoD RAW for 30 days. If you do choose to accept the challenge, it will be a streetfight. And I encourage you to go back to Lake Cuyahoga and get whatever you want and have it brought into the arena because I want it there!!!! I want to see all that was destroyed. Its makes me crazy, it makes windbreaker and the java man crazy too. We will take back what was ours at BoD Night of Champions (Puts on an army helmet) because we are at war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jef Vinson, Abeyance, Kiwi, and AndyPG have made their way to the ring.

Vinson: Kensington? Come out, come out wherever you are, Biff? Bring that giant ape that’s holding my belt with you, huh?

There, on the ramp, is Kensington Enterprises! Hoss is staring at Vinson like he’s a fresh, unscooped container of ice cream.

Biff: Well, Vinson, it’s the end of the night, and I don’t see what your plan is. My NO is final. There will be no Wargames!

Vinson: Biff, my friend – it’s already happening. Watch the screen there, if you would?

We’re in a parking lot somewhere….what’s going on here? Wait a second, that’s Bobby Bayless and his fiancé Hilda! What are they doing there? They’re looking around excitedly…..it’s the OSCAR MEYER WEINERMOBILE!!! Vinson’s valet is driving it to Bobby, who’s hopping up and down with excitement! She holds out some papers to him.

Bobby: So I sign these and I get the Weinermobile? Forever?

Valet: Oui, oui.

Bobby: AND I get to see Wargames? Will it be as good as the NWO one?

Valet: (rolling her eyes) Oui.

Bobby: Yeah! (He signs the papers) My buddy Biff has the best ideas! I can’t wait, come on Hilda, let’s get on the weiner!

Cut back to a flabbergasted Biff Kensington and Jef Vinson doubled over in laughter in the ring.

Vinson: Hey Biff, I was just following your lead, buddy. You manipulated our GM to get what you wanted – well, that’s what we call a learning experience, my friend! At least I gave you the credit, right? I mean, surely you didn’t expect us to resort to simple violence to get what we wanted, did you? Now then, (He holds up the contract, signed by Bobby Bayless) you have a choice. You either step into the ring with us, or you forfeit those titles you love so much. And Biff, I’m okay with that option, but remember what I said before, about learning from your example? (Vinson loses the smile) I’ve got a few lessons of my own I want to teach, and almost all of them involve those 5 never wrestling again!

And the four of them rush the stage! It’s a brawl on the steps….but from behind, it’s Robert Davis! The deranged former Riverdale Covenant member has come from the back and is chasing Biff, who’s screaming for Hoss! Davis is swinging Jughead and screaming at Kensington! It’s complete anarchy in the BOD as we end this week with WARGAMES at BOD Night of Champions made official!