BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

At BOD Summerslam, Kensington Enterprises promised a night to remember, and they delivered! Kensington now controls the World Title, the Tag team titles, the newly christened A+ title, and the Writer’s title! Tonight, Biff Kensington has promised the BOD a celebration that they’ll never forget; but what about former champions Jef Vinson, Kaptain Kiwi, and Abeyance? Now that the Riverdale Covenant is no more, what will become of Robert Davis and Archie Stackhouse? In other news, the psychotic kbjone was vanquished (with assistance from Matthew Perri) by AndyPG; but it looks like the chair-swinging vigilante and his former Upper Midcard Express partner, John Petuka, are far from done with the former Writer’s Champion! Brian Bayless continues to try to wrest control of the BOD back from his cousin, Bobby Bayless, and his fiancé Hilda; will Bayless be able to regain control of the BOD? Will Rockstar Gary and Justice Gray ever defend those 6-man tag team titles again, or will Rockstar Gary continue his attempts to drink every drop of whiskey on the planet? And now that we have a new number 1 contender in Jobber123, could the Job Mob be the next target for Kensington Enterprises? AND WHERE IS PARALLAX?????? ALL THIS AND MORE, ON BOD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s go to the ring, where Biff Kensington has a mic:

Biff: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BOD Raw!! At BOD Summerslam, I promised that you would witness a spectacle that you’d never seen before, and by God, that’s what I gave you! Because Biff Kensington is a man of his word! Tonight, the rest of Kensington Enterprises will assemble in the ring for a championship celebration; but for now, I’ll leave you with this video package. See you soon, everyone, for a celebration!!

The BOD Tron flickers to life, and the sounds of “You’ve got the Touch” play over highlights from Summerslam, showcasing all the Kensington Enterprises victories from Summerslam, ending with Kensington Enterprises posing in the ring with all their gold. Who can stop Kensington now?

What’s that? We’re in the parking lot and a limousine pulls up…..it’s JEF VINSON! The former world champ, with his valet adjusting her dress as she exits the limo behind him, stands and stares at the BOD Arena. AndyPG is at the back door to let him in.

AndyPG: It’s done. We’re ready.

Vinson nods and claps him on the back, and they head inside. Ready for what?

TatR vs. Flyin’ Brian Gutan

TatR is sporting traditional wrestling gear instead of his Bobby Bayless-inspired and factually incorrect shrimp-loving cowboy English settler. TatR wins a lockup then takes Gutan down with a hiptoss. TatR comes back with an enziguiri as he now works a chinlock. The Educated Negro Ensemble have just appeared on the ramp and TatR sees them, allowing Gutan to hit a running knee smash. Gutan hits a suplex then tries another one but TatR floats over and bounces off the ropes with a flying forearm then puts him in the Cattle Mutilation, which he calls the IrriTatR, for the win by submission. However, the Educated Negro Ensemble surround the ring. Lets hear what they have to say:

Night: Hey guys, looks like TatR finally received some education this week.

“Distinguished” Devin Harris: You mean cowboys who ate shrimp from England did not discover America?

Funk Doc: I think that is what he meant my friend

X Man: So, TatR, who taught you how to dress this week? Who showed you to be truer to your culture?

TatR: That was just a gimmick. I know how to be true to myself

Night: And you know how to run people off of the BoD! (The ENE laugh)

TatR: I did no such thing:

DDH: Oh yeah! Well, (the ENE step into the ring and surround TatR) we are going to do something similar to that right now but this is going to involve a lot more pain.

What’s that sound!!!!!!!!!!…………………………………………AIN’T NO STOPPING ME, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S SHELTON BENJAMIN!!!!!!!!!!!! He has a kendo stick and he is running straight into the ring to protect is man crush and potential love interest friend TatR!!!! The ENE flee as Shelton and TatR stand tall. The ENE now regroup as something tells me this is far from over.

Brian Bayless is in his cousin Bobby’s office. Let’s see what is going on there:

Brian: Bobby. (Bobby is playing Sonic: The Hedgehog on his Game Gear, not listening). Bobby!!

Bobby: Hey pal! I’m playing my Game Gear while Hilda is at McDonalds!

Brian: That’s lovely, Bobby. (Holds a list) I have your bachelor party invite list. Some of your friends on the list, I don’t have any way of contacting them.

Bobby: My buddy Jimmy is a jokester! And Corky and Ronny are coming too!

Brian: I see but I cannot invite them if you do not provide me any contact information. I also saw you want Cuppie, the Stanley Cup Mascot to come.

Bobby: I like the dancing!!!!! Me and Hilda are gunna GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: I can tell because you asked me to get the Fat Boys to play a show in your pirate ship fort.

Bobby: Baby, you a rich man too. HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: So what else are we doing besides sitting in your mom’s backyard while whoever is still alive from the Fat Boys sing?

Bobby: What do you mean whoever is still alive? Someone died!

Brian: Nevermind, Bobby. They will all be there.

Bobby: Good. (Hilda barrels in with two bags from McDonald’s)

Hilda: I got you chicken nuggets………………..but I ate them all.

Bobby: My girl ain’t no cruiserweight!!!!

Brian: (Shakes his head before leaving)

Back to the ring, and it’s John Petuka, with his ‘Petukamania’ shirt (oddly now lower in price at BOD Shopzone: only $11.99!)

Petuka: Now listen here, because I haven’t got all night; I have to get promotional pictures taken for my future BOD Mania main event program photo layout! You’re going to hear me say something that I never say: I was wrong. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in kbjanetty’s business at Summerslam; I felt a certain kinship with the boy, as though I owed him for cheering me on in my quest to main event BOD Mania. But no more! Tonight, I have one thing to settle with, and then it’s back to continue on my road to BODMania and the main event! And that one thing is you, Perri! I thought you had taken your cantankerous attitude and left the BOD, but you decided to break a computer over my head – so get out here right now, because it’s time for you to taste the power of the PETUKA BAZOOKA!!

What is Petuka talking about? Matt Perri isn’t here tonight – it’s well known backstage that he and Miss Danielle are taking a Mexican Siesta courtesy of Jef Vinson! What is Petuka’s game here?

Petuka: Oh, too scared to come out, are you? Alright, well here’s the deal; John Petuka isn’t leaving this ring until that hack gets out here, and if any of you in the back think you can make me move, well, feel free to come out and get yourselves Petuka Bazooka’d!!

Petuka goes over to the corner and sits on the turnbuckle, gesturing to the back for someone to just bring it on…..

Oh my GOD, it’s Matthew Maynard Adams!! The former Adam Curry, now clean and sober, has been decimating opponents in record time with the Adamsmasher, and it looks like he’s coming for Petuka! He slowly walks to the ring, curiously eyeing Petuka, who looks agitated and confused. Adams slowly climbs into the ring and stares Petuka down.

Petuka: Oh, look – it’s the poster boy for 12 steps. Listen, I don’t have a beef with you, so why don’t you head on back down the rampway before you get yourself hurt, son. You don’t know what you’re dealing with here; I’M JOHN PET-

Huge right from Adams to Petuka! Petuka goes flying into the corner! He comes out looking for a fight….giant lariat from Adams! Petuka does a full somersault before hitting the mat! Wait, from behind, it’s kbjone! He’s got his chair and he takes a full swing at the back of Adams….no effect! Adams turns around and looks at kbjone, who looks down at his chair….and starts laughing uncontrollably! He rears back for another swing, laughing like a madman, but Adams kicks him in the gut! ADAMSMASHER!!! Petuka has headed for the hills, but Adams is staring him down. He looks down at the prone form of kbjone. “Judgment….has been rendered.” He calmly leaves the ring and heads to the back, while kbjone starts to stir, huge smile on his face.

Wade Michael is standing in the back. He has some breaking news:

“Fans, we’ve been asked to pass on a news item – a new Ferrari was set ablaze yesterday in Riverdale. The driver barely escaped serious injury, but the car was a total loss. Wade looks confused. What the hell does that have to do with anything here? Anyway (shuffling his papers) in news that affects the BOD, we’ve been told that the World Title picture is still being sorted out, due to the disappearance of Abeyance and Jef Vinson invoking his rematch clause, while Jobber123 still remains the #1 contender. We’re told that we will have an announcement next week, as Bobby Bayless, our GM, had to go to McDonald’s because his fiancé ate all of his chicken McNuggets.”

Biscuit w/ Strike Force vs. White Thunder w/ Camp Cleveland

The wear-and-tear of public transportation seems to be catching up to Strike Force. Biscuit is a little more used to roughing it on the Greyhound. Match starts with the two fighting over a lockup. White Thunder slaps Biscuit after breaking but the Minnesota Mad Man slaps him right back. Biscuit lays into Thunder with European uppercuts. Thunder gets whipped into the corner and Biscuit charges at him but gets taken down with a big boot. Mar Solo works on a cup of special brew as he gets taunted by the rest of Camp Cleveland. Thunder has Biscuit in a chinlock now as Matt Indeed starts highstepping and fist-pumping so the fans can rally behind Biscuit, who escapes. Thunder takes Biscuit down with a shoulderblock. Biscuit is whipped against the ropes but he ducks a clothesline and comes back with a crossbody block for a nearfall. Thunder gets up quickly and knees Biscuit in the back before applying another chinlock. Biscuit reaches the ropes then Thunder starts hammering away. Backbreaker gets two. Thunder places Biscuit up top and attempts a superplex but that gets blocked. They fight up top as Mikey and WWF1987 jump up onto the apron to provide a distraction. WWF1987 steps aside and hands something to Thunder, who proceeds to drop it. Mar Solo sees this and slides into the ring where he picks up the substance. Thunder gets pushed off as Solo squeezes the bottle and baby powder goes into his face. Solo runs outside and Biscuit comes off of the top with a sunset flip. The referee counts as Indeed prevents the rest of Camp Cleveland from interfering as Biscuit gets the win!!!!!! Strike Force celebrate as Camp Cleveland are beside themselves.

From the luxury box, here are the Job Mob:

Jobber: First off, I’d like to thank our wonderful GM and my friend, Bobby Bayless, for letting us use this fine luxury box tonight. I hope you liked the Game Gear and Skittles we bought you. More importantly (Zanatude interrupts and whispers in Jobber’s ear)……oh yeah. Before I begin, I summoned this man you called Zanatude from the deepest, darkest part of Roppongi where he is now known as……………….Sexy Tanahashi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ST: Thank you.

Jobber: Back to the story, as the new #1 contender, I am here to say that I am challenging for this title on my own terms. So, it might not be at Night of Champions, I might wait until WrestleMania or even next week. But whenever it does happen, the plan will be in place. And the plan is that I regain the BoD Title once again. Isn’t that right, number 4!

(we see the mysterious gloved hand raising four fingers above the seat)

Jobber: Hoss, Biff, I like you both and enjoy our time in the Top 5 Lounge but the fact is I am bringing that title back home, back to the Job Mob, where it belongs. And no one is going to stop me, stop us, or anything we want to do in the future.

Outside in the BBQ Truck, the Men Without Macklin continue their auditions to replace the wonderful Art Macklin.

Mears: Next!

(Enters “Happening” Harry Broadhurst)

Marv: What makes you think you can replace Art

Harry: Harry Fact #568: Harry can adapt to any situation

Duck: Are you able to participate in tomorrow night’s Judgment Day 2002 PPV live watch

Harry: Harry Fact # 45: Harry only deals with the finest broadband wireless connections

Mears: Okay, how can you get us beer

Harry: Harry Fact #1: HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!! (Harry walks out)

(Enters Mickey Yarber)

Mears: (Spits out his beer) Jesus Christ!!!

Marv: Why did Art have to die?

Duck: (Watching the VMA’s)

Yarber: I am not giving an eulogy you know

Marv: Why are you here then?

Yarber: Good question. (Ponders then leaves)

(Macklin enters)

Macklin: Hi

Everyone: Hey

(They all carry on like nothing happened)

The ring is set up for the Canadian House of Fun Match: We see a steel cage and instead of ropes we get hockey boards and a penalty box filled with stale bread courtesy of Mr. Sub and a bag filled with Crash Test Dummies DVDs and pog slammers of Joey from “Degrassi.” Each side has a poster containing either Alan Thicke or Michael Cera. The winner has to climb out of the cage.

Canadian House of Fun Match: “Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten vs. “Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn w/ Cuppie, the Dancing Stanley Cup Mascot

The Canaaaaaaaaaaadian Dream song echoes through the arena as Mister E Mahn and Cuppie dance to the ring. PrimeTime Ten is in the ring with his Wayne Gretzky jersey as he is not impressed by Cuppie. The cage is locked as PTT starts hammering away. Dammit, that was a cheapshot. PTT pulls out a jersey and oh my god, its an Alexandre Daigle jersey. PTT laughs as he chokes out Mister E Mahn while singing the Canadian National Anthem. PTT sends Mahn to the boards as Cuppie puts his hands over his face to express a look of concern. PTT charges but Mahn moves away and PTT crashes into the boards, like he is a Montreal Canadiens player looking for a penalty. Mahn feels the power of the people as he starts to fire away. Uh……..oh………its the Bionic Elbow-eh. PTT goes flying down. Mahn steps out of the boards and starts to climb the cage but PTT runs over and stops him. PTT whips Mahn towards the penalty box then grabs a few stale rolls courtesy of Mr. Sub and beats Mahn over the head until they break off. PTT starts throwing knee smashes then starts to climb the cage. PTT is halfway up but Mahn reaches into the bag of pog slammers and whips a Joey and the Zits one right off PTT’s head. That stops PTT in his tracks as Mahn heads over and grabs PTT’s foot. PTT falls down as Mahn rips off an Alan Thicke poster and puts it through PTT’s head. PTT kicks Mahn low then runs over and yanks off a Michael Cera poster and puts it through Mahn’s head as the two are slugging it out, Moncton style! The horn signals for intermission as each guy gets a cup of Tim Horton’s medium roast and they promptly toss it down, complaining that it is scalded. The horn signals again as they charge at each other and brawl. PTT takes the bag of pog slammers but swings and misses and that allows Mahn to hit the Canadian Dream (double underhook piledriver). The crowd goes nuts as Cuppie does the moonwalk outside of the cage. Mahn starts climbing up and gets near the top. PTT comes through and sees this and hurries up the cage. Mahn has both feet over but PTT pulls out another Alexandre Daigle jersey and sticks it through, as he ties up Mahn’s foot. PTT pulls out another jersey and uses it for the other foot as Mahn is dangling upside down like a schoolyard wimp in Ottawa. PTT is at the top and swings his foot over as Mahn tries to pull himself up. Cuppie is yelling at the ref as PTT points out how he should be his mascot but Mahn breaks free. PTT is more than halfway down as Mahn swings and grabs the jerseys and does a double backflip and lands on his feet, just before PTT!!!!!!!!! THE CANADIAN DREAM HAS DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Red and White confetti pours from the ceiling as PTT is left with two stretched out Alexandre Daigle jerseys. Cuppie is dancing too! And I bet somewhere Bobby Bayless is GITTIN………………………………………FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s time for our victory celebration with Kensington Enterprises! Michael Buffer has been flown in for the occasion, and he introduces “The Man, the Myth, the Legend…..Ladies and Gentlemen, BIIIIIIFFFFFFF KKKKKKKENNNNNSSSSSINGTONNNNNNNN.” He hands the mic to Biff as he leaves the ring.

Biff: BOD, please welcome Kensington Enterprises! First, the man with a thousand throwback jerseys, the man who makes more e-dollars than anyone on earth, the WRITER’S CHAMPION, TOMMY HALL!

Tommy comes out with the Writer’s title and a brand new Tim McIntosh Montreal Expos jersey on his back. Biff claps him on the shoulders and resumes.

Biff: Ladies and Gentlemen, the MOST dominant tag team this side of Dustin Rhodes and Ricky Steamboat, the originators of HUSS mania, the one, the only, the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, CURTZERKER!

Curtzerker comes out, and the HUSS section goes wild! They slide into the ring, the Berzerker slightly distracted by all the ‘HUSS’ chants, but Tommy calms him down. Back to Biff.

Biff: You could call him the B+ Champion, but that’s not good enough for a man of his stature! No, folks, I’m afraid from now on, you’ll have to call him the A+ Champion! The one, the only, the man who’s much, MUCH smarter than you, the A+ CHAMPION, EXTANT1979!!!

Extant1979 comes out wearing the newly christened A+ title, polished to a gleam with the new plate! He raises his arms and basks in the glory, and reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a chunk of Anchor Cheese! He steps on it on his way to the ring and a big hug from Biff!

Biff: And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…..the man that ice cream forgot, but not the man who forgot ice cream, the man who last week, after Summerslam, single-handedly closed down all 3 Baskin Robbins in the metro area, the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION….HOSS!!!!

And there he is! The crown jewel of Kensington Enterprises, the BOD World title is over his shoulder, but Hoss seems more interested in the quart of Ben and Jerry’s that he’s currently scooping out with his hands! He comes into the ring, but ignores everyone in favor of his ice cream in the corner.

Biff: Now, let me address something that some of you crying little girls out in the BOD have been asking me over the last week – why, oh why, did I screw over Abeyance? Let me explain something to all of you morons; Abeyance screwed HIMSELF. Why would I want another member of Kensington sucking away more of my money? But I needed the champ, whoever it was, to be at their weakest when it was time for Hoss to cash in. Come on – you never really thought that I would allow that loser to be one of the elite, did you? No, he was a patsy; if he would have lost, Vinson still would have tasted the Pants-shitter and lost his title anyway. Just because he got lucky and won, that changed nothing. I just needed him to hurt Vinson enough to make it a guarantee, but when I saw that boy’s bloody face as Kensington was teeing off on him, well, it brought a warmth to my heart. Abeyance, wherever you are, know that you hold a record in the BOD; you were the shortest reigning champion of all time!! (Biff throws his head back and laughs, joined by Extant and Tommy.) THIS, this is the greatest stable in all the BOD! These 5 athletes hold all the titles that matter, and will continue to do so until we choose to voluntarily relinquish them! With that in mind, let me show you Kensington’s newest shirt – (He unveils a shirt with graphics of all the belts on the front, and on the back: ‘KENSINGTON: THE GOLD STANDARD OF THE BOD’) – that’s for sale at all the merchandise stands! Now then, bring out the wine and the cheese, not Anchor Cheese of course, and let’s have a celebration! Let’s remember that Biff and Kensington RULE THE-

Wait! That’s the music of the former World Champion, Jef Vinson! He, his valet, and AndyPG make their way out to the top of the ramp, Vinson with a mic in hand. But he isn’t using it, he’s just staring at Biff, who laughs as Curtzerker pull down the ropes and invite them into the ring.

Biff: Well, look who it is. The FORMER World Champ. Great match, Vinson! Really, I was amazed that you almost won that war. But let’s face it, Jef….we all know how it would have turned out. (He points at Hoss in the corner.) So, you’ve got something to say, do you

Vinson raises the mic, and then puts it back down again. He turns to the back, and ANCHOR CHEESE PRESENTS comes up on the tron, and there’s Kaptain Kiwi, joining Vinson and Andy on the stage.

Biff: Ooooh, scary! First off, I own Anchor Cheese now, and we certainly don’t endorse trash like this, so you better get that off your video, moron, or I’ll sue you into oblivion! What about it, Vinson? Going to talk yet, boy

Vinson raises the mic again, and AGAIN puts it back down and turns to the back. “WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” is heard over the mic, and Robert Davis is out, barely being restrained by Andy! His Riverdale jacket has an arm torn off and the R is missing, but he still possesses Jughead, and he’s pointing it wildy in Biff’s direction!

Biff: Oh, a Riverdale loser! Hey Davis, I pinned you, remember that? It was right after I split your skull open with that little toy there. Where’s your mentor, Stackhouse? I hear he turned tail and ran back to Caliber in Riverdale. What else you got, Vinson

Vinson goes over to Davis and puts a hand on his shoulder, as Andy is having a REALLY difficult time holding him back. Davis calms down, and Vinson turns to the back again….it’s Abeyance! He hasn’t been seen since Summerslam, in the BOD arena or elsewhere! He walks out, noticeable stitches in his forehead, never taking his eyes off Biff. Vinson goes over to him and they share a look and a nod, and Abeyance continues to glare with hatred at the ring.

Biff: And now, this motley crew is complete! So, to recap, you’ve got 4 losers, including the SHORTEST reigning BOD Champ ever, and a guy who needed a writer with a computer to help him win! Is this supposed to intimidate me, Vinson? Is this supposed to intimidate Kensington Enterprises? If you come to this ring, we will annihilate you, just like we did at Summerslam! We are the GREATEST FIVE WRESTLERS IN THE WORLD!!! (Vinson raises the mic again, and then puts it back down, and Biff is finally agitated enough) What do you want, Vinson? WHAT CAN YOU DO AGAINST KENSINGTON, VINSON? SPEAK, DAMN YOU, SPEAK!!!!

Vinson looks over at AndyPG with a grim look on his face, and AndyPG nods. He looks at Kiwi, who also nods. He looks at Davis, but Davis still being restrained from getting to Biff, so he looks at Abeyance, who returns his nod vociferously, and Vinson raises the mic to his mouth:

Vinson: (looks at Biff, smiles) Wargames.

OH MY GOD! And with that, Biff’s face falls as the five rush the ring and its anarchy! All ten wrestlers are battling all over ringside and in the ring, but Vinson and Abeyance clear the ring and hit stereo dives onto Curtzerker on the floor! Davis has been swinging wildly at a retreating Tommy Hall, and Kensington grabs their belts and retreat as Vinson, Abeyance, Kiwi, Davis, and AndyPG stand tall in the ring! The challenge has been laid down – will Kensington step into the ring for WARGAMES??!??!?