You Know They Got A Hell Of A Band…

Mr. Keith,

I opened up Wikipedia and made a tally of all the dead wrestlers who’d participated in the Royal Rumble match. If my findings are correct and with Piper’s passing, the number of dead Rumble participants has now reached thirty.

So…Live!  From the Kingdom of God–no doubt setting a all-time Celestial attendance record, turning people away from the pearly gates–it’s time to Rumble! It’s time…for the the Mortal Rumble!

Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes callin’ the action!  A choir of angels counting down from ten every 90 seconds! Every soul for himself! No friends! Only enemies!

You’ve got (in order of Rumble debut):

1. Dino Bravo

2. Ultimate Warrior

3. Junkyard Dog

4. Andre The Giant

5. Mr. Perfect

6. Bad News Brown

7. Randy Savage

8. Big John Studd

9. Hercules

10. Big Boss Man

11. Roddy Piper

12. Dusty Rhodes

13. Earthquake

14. Rick Rude

15. Kerry Von Erich

16. British Bulldog

17. Hawk

18. Crush

19. Yokozuna

20. Owen Hart

21. Bam Bam Bigelow

22. Mabel

23. Jimmy Del Ray

24. Steven Dunn

25. Dick Murdoch

26. Test

27. Crash Holly

28. Eddie Guerrero

29. Jamal (Umaga)

30. Chris Benoit?! (Monsoon, aghast: “What is he doing here?! How did he get past St. Peter?!”  Hayes: “He may be a last minute substitution for Bastion Booger, who reportedly got food poisoning from eating from the Tree of Knowledge.”)

Star-studded!

You’re booking this. Who draws #1 and #2? Who gets the longevity record? Who gets the brevity record? Who gets the most eliminations? Final four? And who do you have win the whole damn thing?

I’d start with Andre the Giant at #1 and let him get a bunch of eliminations before Ultimate Warrior clotheslines him out.  Mr. Perfect gets the longevity record.  Randy Savage wins the whole thing.