BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

We are shown footage from yesterday where Brian Bayless received a phone call from his Aunt Peggy, mother of Bobby. She said Bobby will not come out of his fort and has a dentist appointment today. Aunt Peggy wants Brian to take Bobby to the appointment and he reluctantly agrees.

Last week, Abeyance became the newest member of Kensington Enterprises and FINALLY got his one on one title shot against the World Champ, Jef Vinson….but it comes at a price. Will Abeyance put his BoD career on the line to become the World Champion? Can Biff lead him to the promised land, finally? All this and more, tonight, on BoD Raw!

All of Kensington Enterprises stands in the ring as we open BoD Raw! The “Huss” section is going crazy as the Tag Champs flank Biff Kensington, while Extant sits on a turnbuckle and Hoss stares blankly, ice cream-less and clearly upset about it:

Biff: Ladies and Gentlemen, the newest member of Kensington Enterprises AND the soon-to-be World Champion, ABEYANCE!!

The music hits and Abeyance heads towards the ring, looking pensive. Curtzerker hold open the ropes and clap him on the back as he hits the ring, slowly shaking hands with Biff.

Biff: Abeyance, you’ve been the unsung hero of the BoD for the last two years, and it’s going to be my privilege to see you defeat that overrated hack Jef Vinson at Summerfest for the BoD title! After Extant disposes of that cheese hocking idiot Kiwi at BoD SummerSlam, Kensington Enterprises will take it’s rightful place as the rulers of the BoD! (Extant nods, bouncing off the turnbuckle) So, all I want to say to you, Vinson, is that you better enjoy what’s left of your title reign. Take a few more vacations with the belt, big guy – soon, it belongs to US!

Abeyance still looks apprehensive, and he leans over to whisper something to Biff….and there’s the music of Jef Vinson! The World Champ, his valet, and new associate AndyPG head out to the ramp, mic in hand.

Vinson: All week long, I’ve been waiting for this moment, Biff. Last week, I told you that I would give Abeyance his title shot….if he gave me something in return. So, Abeyance; by the way, if you’re wondering, coming in on the private helicopter from the Bahamas is what’s caused my hair to look this good; do you have an answer for me

Abeyance slowly reaches for the mic from Biff, but Biff shakes his head

Biff: You know, Vinson, the fact of the matter is that Abeyance made the right decision to sign with Kensington Enterprises, so it doesn’t really matter at all what stipulation you decide to put on this match; Abeyance WILL win the title. I guarantee it.

Vinson: Biff, do me a favor – let the adults talk now. Abeyance…..what is your answer?

Abeyance: (slowly looks at the mic, then at Biff. Biff nods.) I….I accept.

Biff laughs and claps Abeyance on the back. Abeyance hands the mic back to Biff, still looking very unsure of himself.

Vinson: Your funeral, Abeyance. You want it this bad, so be it. It’s on. Now then, before myself and my good friend AndyPG go get some shiatsu massages, he’s got something to say.

AndyPG: Last week, your monster cost me a shot at the BoD world title, and I haven’t forgotten. But I want to address someone else. Kbjone, you’ve been running around hitting people with chairs since you and Petuka broke up and you lost your damn mind. Rumor is that you put one of the writers in the hospital last week after Raw! Well, I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty, kb – you and me are going to get it on at Summerfest! You bring your chair – I’ll bring mine. (Andy holds up a steel chair) And we’re going to settle this in a street fight!

And there you have it folks. The top matches at BoD SummerSlam are all setup.

In the back, Adam Curry stands in a barely lit room. He looks at the camera, eyes clean and sober and speaks barely above a whisper:

“Adam Curry is no more. My name is Matthew Maynard Adams. God didn’t create me, BoD – he just got out of my way. Judgment continues tonight.”

Adams looks up at the lightbulb, tapping it slowly. He rears back and smashes it with his fists, shards going everywhere and the screen goes black. Matthew Adams is here, and the rest of BoD is on notice!

Matthew Adams vs Beard Money

Adams comes out like last week, slowly walking with no music. Beard Money looks ready to go, so ring that bell! Beard Money approaches Adams, who doesn’t move; he just keeps staring at Beard Money. Money tries to lock up, but Adams shoves him back to the ropes. Beard Money tries again, another shove by Adams. Adams is holding his ground and continues to blankly stare at Beard Money. Money gets a running start and comes off the ropes with a clothesline…..Adams catches the arm! Rock Bottom to Beard Money! Adams picks him up and starts throwing European Uppercuts, backing Beard Money into the corner as Money is being punched silly. Adams steps back as Beard Money throws a couple of wild swings, then falls to the mat face-first. Adams slowly picks him up…..SPINNING SCREWDRIVER! We’ve been told he calls that the Adamsmasher! The pinfall is academic. 1,2,3. Adams looks down at the prone body of Beard Money. “Judgement…..has been rendered.” He calmly leaves the ring again without having his hand raised.

Backstage, TatR is warming up when approached by the Educated Negro Ensemble.

Night: Well, well, well. Look at this man. The guy who apparently knows nothing about his heritage.

Devin: Apparently, unbeknownst to me, this country was founded by cowboy-loving Shrimp from England.

FunkDoc: I just graduated from college and I never heard about that. Why don’t you tell us this story that I apparently missed?

X Man: (Cracks his knuckles) Well, we are waiting (The ENE laughs)

TatR: Its not true. I was just doing my job.

Night: Doing your job? Your job is to embarrass your culture? Because the thats the only thing you have been doing.

TatR: Look, I am doing what is being written for me. I’m not proud of (gets cut off)

Devin: You are a disgrace. In fact, I think we need to educate you about your own culture because for some reason, you are unaware.

FunkDoc: You sold out and lied to the fans. You let yourself get misrepresented.

X Man: And you also fed into unrealistic and derogatory stereotypes. What do you think about that?

TatR: Like I said (gets slapped across the face by Night)

Night: I’ll tell you what I think. Much like everyone else here, you need to get educated. And its going to happen soon. (The ENE all walk away while an angry TatR holds his face).

Brian arrives to Aunt Peggy’s. He heads out back to see the fort where Bobby lives in:

Brian: Bobby, time to go to the dentist. Come out.

Bobby: NO!!!!!!!!! The dentist is for fags and cruiserweights.

Brian: Bobby, the dentist is for people who plan on keeping their teeth. Now lets go

Bobby: Come up and have some pie first.

Brian: You dont eat pie before going to the dentist, dammit!!!!!!

Bobby: Then I’m not going!!!!!!!!

Brian: Fine, I’ll come up (Brian climbs the ladder then has a pie flung in his face).

Bobby: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! (Bobby swings from a rope swing to the ground and runs away, with Twizzlers falling out of his pockets.

Hart Killer & Joe Dust vs. The Drivers

Looks like we got a new team in the BoD. Match starts with Joe Dust talking control after attacking Spicolli Driver from behind. Hart Killer tags in and stomps away as he called that the greatest tag in the history of wrestling. Joe Dust then knocks Juvy off of the apron as Hart Killer locks on the Sharpshooter and gets the win. Well that was quick. Wait a minute…………………..that is the Fuj running down the aisle!!!!!! Hart Killer and Joe Dust bail as the Fuj grabs the mic:

” You two sabotaged my match in the Elimination Chamber.” And at BoD SummerSlam, I am going to destroy you both. As a matter of fact, I am even going to let you pick my partner for this match. Like I said before, the moment I am pinned, I will retire.”

Fuj slams the mic down as Joe and Hart Killer huddle, presumably to discuss strategy

Back in the locker room, Wade Michael has caught up with John Petuka

Wade: John, last week you were looking like you might end up the number 1 contender before the interference from Hoss. How do you feel about what happened, and where does John Petuka go from here? And how is Kbjone connected to all this?

Petuka: (Turns and looks at him slowlyWhere do I go? Where do I GO? Haven’t I made myself clear what’s going to happen? (He points at his Petukamania shirt – now $18.99 at BoD Shopzone!) Nothing has changed. I will be in the main event of BODMania. As for kbjanetty, I don’t have any idea what’s going through his head at this point, and I don’t particularly care. Goodbye, Wade – your brush with Petuka is OVER! (Petuka leaves the interview area, shaking his head at Wade’s stupidity)

Wade turns around…..and it’s Kbjone! With his trusty chair!

Kbjone: Hey, Wade! What’s going on? (Wade eyes the chair, looking terrified.) Hey, buddy, don’t worry. I’ve renamed my chair, see? (He turns it towards the camera; “ANDYPG’S HEAD HERE” has been haphazardly painted on it) I call it the AndyPG BAZOOKA! It’s just like Petuka’s move, except I just use it to hit AndyPG in the head. It’s the greatest move of all time! As for the challenge from earlier, if AndyPG wants to keep getting clobbered, well, you know that I’m-

From behind, it’s AndyPG! Chair to the back of kbjone’s head! He goes down like a shot! AndyPG stands over him, chair in hand. “See you at Summerfest, Kb!” Andy walks away, and the camera focuses on kbjone, as he gets back to a sitting position and starts to laugh wildly, clutching his chair!

Down at Lake Cuyahoga, Camp Cleveland has something to say:

(The broken down school bus is on the shore. Also, we see the damaged Chrysler Lebaron that belongs to Matt Indeed along with the Strike Force windbreakers that are used as flags at the moment)

WWF1987: Behold (expands his arms), the lake of broken dreams. Here we see the remains of the fallen (jersey’s belonging to failed sports “legends” such as Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden, Matt LaPorta, DeSagana Diop). This is where dreams stop.

MikeyMike: You see, this is the place of defeat. The place were it ends. When you wash up on these shores, you here until death

White Thunder: (Unloads a box of “Cleveland Cavaliers 2015 NBA Champions” T-shirts into a fire pit). Much like the 2015 Cavaliers season, this dream is over for you, Strike Force. And for you Biscuit.

(WWF1987 and Mikey dump gasoline into the pit. Thunder then throws in a few matches as the flames rise into the air)

Mikey Mike: And now, the dream is over for you three. (Each member of Camp Cleveland grabs a flagpost, containing a Strike Force windbreaker and dip it into the fire. )

White Thunder: And Matt Indeed, say bye-bye to Loretta. (The flags are left inside the Lebaron that Indeed named “Loretta” as it goes up in flames. Mikey tosses in the duffle bag that belonged to Biscuit as the fire smells of beef jerky left over from the 2013 Legion softball semi-finals).

WWF1987: Let this be a warning. We are not going to stop until our pain and suffering ends. Everything will end up at the Lake of Fire and Broken Dreams until we end the drought and being home the gold!

MikeyMike: And the road to the gold starts at BoD SummerSlam.

White Thunder: Mar Solo, Matt Indeed, Biscuit! Get ready for disappointment.

(The camera zooms in on the Lebaron as it is engulfed in flames.)

Brian is driving Bobby to the dentist:

Bobby: (chewing on Starburst, humming “Baby You at Rich Man” by the Fat Boys) Hey pal, make a left!

Brian: The GPS says to go right

Bobby: I know a shortcut!!!!!!

Brian: (skeptical) Whatever. (They drive a bit then Brian gets pissed) God Damnit, Bobby! This isn’t the dentist, its the Cineplex.

Bobby: (jumps out of the car at the red light and runs into the theatre parking lot) I’m gonna see Pixels!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Jesus Christ!!!! (Brian speeds into the parking lot, whacking a carriage that was placed inside of a spot. Brian runs into the Cimeplex, after his dumb fuck cousin).

At the Anchor Cheese Photo shoot, Kensington Enterprises runs into Kaptain Kiwi and the Brothers Garea:

( Photographers are shooting new Anchor Cheese ads for National Geographic and White Trash Weekly. The Brothers Garea look on in the background as Kensington Enterprises interrupts. Kiwi has the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship belt over his shoulder)

Biff: Well, well, well. You know, I am not poor white trash so I do not eat canned, processed cheddar cheese. But, I do collect Championships. And one member of my family, Extant1979, is in need of a title.

Extant: I believe this needs to be edited (takes a sign and rips it off of the wall. He stomps on it then tosses it at the Brothers Garea.

Biff: It would be a shame if the world knew that brother Johnny was not saved due to a medical condition but rather for being in debt with the mob over his gambling addiction. I dont think that Anchor Cheese would want that in a sponsor. Do You?

Tony:Ya listen to me ya money grubbing fuck, my brotha Johnny is a saint! He ain’t the type of man who gambles.

Hoss: SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN YOU GERIATRIC FUCK (He shoves Johnny back into his wheelchair).

Kiwi: (Looks into Extant’s face with the Garea glaze, a potentially deadly stare)

Tony: My boy will beat ya failed editor so bad he will have to write a paper in Pittsfield

Biff: C’mon Tony, we know the whole town is illiterate and there is no paper there as a result. But back to the matter at hand, I want that belt. And if I dont get it, Johnny will be back on his deathbed and go down quicker than a rotted out kiwifruit tree during a tsunami. Because I just might have to buy out Anchor Cheese. They need a new sponsor

Berzerker: HUSS!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!

Biff: (evil laugh) Yes, HUSS!!!!!!! (All of Kensington Enterprises HUSSES as we leave).

Job Mob are backstage in the Luxurious Top 5 Lounge. Let’s see what they are up to:

Jobber: Hey, (snorts some white powder) Chartock and Zanatude, what are we doing tonight?

Zanatude: How about who is the mystery person that will become the newest member of the Job Mob?

Jobber: Trust me man, you will find out soon enough but I gotta keep things tight for now.

Zanatude: Whatever (cracks a beer)

Chartock: What are we doing here tonight? I thought we were boycotting the show?

Jobber: Man, we don’t have to do that anymore. I got it all figured out (Sparks a joint then passes it around the room).

Zanatude: Cool.

PrimeTime Ten vs. Luke Warm

PTT enters the ring, looking confident and full of himself. He whips Luke against the ropes but misses a clothesline and ends up getting hit with a dropkick. PTT charges and gets taken down with an armdrag. PTT bails as Luke flies outside with a plancha as the Pride of Canada is in trouble. They head back inside where PTT ducks a crossbody then stomps away on Luke. PTT hits a backbreaker then tosses Luke to the floor so he can do some more hockey celebrations. Luke gets up on the apron as PTT tries to bring him in with a suplex. Luke then floats over but eats a discus clothesline then PTT gets the win with a fisherman’s buster. He then takes the mic:

“Now, I give to you, my own trophy. The one trophy that is fit for the Pride of Canada. Behold, the Stanley Cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

We are waiting. Nothing is coming out as the crowd boos. PTT gets restless then we hear music but he is not happy.

“He’s not a common man

Because he is Canadian

He’d be a common man

If he was American

But he’s the Canaaaaaaaaadian Dream”

That’s the Canadian Dream, Mister E Mahn. And look at that, he is with the lovable dancing Stanley Cup mascot, Cuppie!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA, look at the dancin’ cup. PTT is almost pulling the hair out of his head. Look at the Canadian Dream do the Medicine Hat Mamba!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, at the Cineplex

Bobby: (just saw the last BoD RAW segment on his phone) HA HA HA, I LIKE DANCING MASCOTS!!!!! I LIKE INJUNS AND COWBOYS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: Bobby, we have seen Pixels three times today. We are leaving.

Bobby: I wanna play video games!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian: I don’t have time to play this shit

Bobby: I wanna race cars!!!!

Brian: Cruisin’ USA? Bobby, this game is old.

Bobby: (runs off into the game area, Brian follows him)

Bobby: (sees a fat chick on the ground wearing a “Pixels” shirt and drinking a soda.) Hi, wanna play Crusin’ USA

Fat Chick: Hi, I am Hilda. Want some Skittles. (Hilda opens her hand to reveal a bunch of Skittles she had been holding tight as her palm is covered in coloring due to the sweat).

Bobby: I love Skittles. Want some Twizzlers!!!!! (Bobby pulls out his Twizzlers. Hilda devours them quicker than Jaws did to Quint)

Hilda: I want more candy (Grabs Bobby by the hand to the candy counter).

Brian: (Finally sees Bobby and his new friend)Bobby! Who the hell is this?

Bobby: (Comicaly nudges Brian with his elbow) Hey pal, told ya I dont mess around with cruiserweights!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!! (Brian shakes his head in disbelief as Bobby and Hilda head to the candy counter).

Brian: She is large and in charge I guess.

In the bowels of the arena, Robert Davis holds Jughead and looks at the camera.

Davis: The Mayan calendar predicted the apocalypse, yet the world kept spinning, didn’t it? And the followers looked foolish in their prediction. Kensington Enterprises, your arrogance doesn’t fall far from this tree. You believe in something, something that depends on the earthy desire for money, for paper that you think brings you power. Yet you now face the Riverdale Covenant for the final time, and you will see that your belief has been…..misplaced. (Giggles) Biff, the brotherhood of men united by cause that is the Riverdale Covenant is your apocalypse. Forget your gold – we never cared for such earthly trappings. We cared only to bring you to the truth. (The rest of the Covenant emerges from the shadows, with Archie Stackhouse smiling and nodding as Davis continues) And the truth is this – at Summerfest, you’ll be tasting your flowing blood as you hear us proclaim: Welcome to Riverdale, Biff. Welcome…..to the End.

DBSM and the C-List Posse are backstage as DBSM seems upset:

DBSM: So, what happened last night!!!!!!!!!

Mark-Linn Baker: You mean what happened two weeks ago when you lost the title.

DBSM: I don’t see what that has to do with no-showing the Skee Ball tournament at Dave & Buster’s last night.

Jamiroquai: We were busy, man.

Harvey Grant: You not showing helped us out, top hat

Jamiroquai: Oh please, if I wanted to talk to a real basketball player I’d say hi to your brother.

Guy who played Waldo from Family Matters: Leave Harvey alone, he isn’t familiar with winning. Or hitting free throws.

Harvey: And you aren’t familiar with being a popular actor either.

Guy who played Waldo: Shut up!

Michael Winslow: (makes chaotic sound effects)

DBSM: (Fed up) Enough!!!! We don’t have the C-List title anymore. I have no shot at banging Nicole Eggert and I’ve noticed we are no longer getting the fancy cars when we use Uber. Who wants to cruise around in a Chevy Aveo after a show!!!! I don’t!!!!

Jamiroquai: Man, this isn’t virtual insanity, this is insanity!!!!!

DBSM: You know what this isn’t? 1997. Now shut up and let’s go because I have to get ready for my rematch against Bill Ray at BoD SummerSlam.

Wade Michael Meltzer interview with Parallax, who is now accompanied by his minion, Darklight.

Wade: Parallax , we have heard rumblings that you are upset over not being featured as the top guy on BoD RAW, something I go into more detail on in my newest edition of the Torch Newsletter BoD Weekly.

Parallax: I am the top of the BoD. And its not up for dispute. How about you stop wasting my time and give me a question worthy of my time.

Wade: Did you see the G-1 Climax? How many four star matches do you have?

Parallax: (slaps Darklight off the back of his head)

Darklight: He said he had a ***** match with your wife last night. At your house, in your bed.

Wade: Guess she didn’t deduct a full * for the abrupt finish like she does with me (smarmy laugh follows).

Darklight: (Gets slapped off the back of the head again by Parallax) He said that was not funny.

Wade: What do you have to say about the #1 contender’s match at BoD SummerSlam. You will be facing Jobber, Cultstatus, and Hoss in a Fatal Four-Way.

Parallax: (Calmly gets up then tosses Wade to the floor. He then curbstomps him down and walks away). The camera zooms in on Wade, who is out cold).

“House of the Rising Sun” plays over a still image of a Japanese flag, with the words: NEXT WEEK: THE HERBKUNZES RETURN!

Mike Mears vs. Peyton Drinking

And here comes the BBQ truck……………..coming down the aisle sideways as it smashes into the barricade. No one seems to be injured as the door as jammed. Mears pops out and stumbles around, boasting how he did not spill a drop of beer. In the back of his truck is a man holding a wine glass and look…………..that’s Marv!!!!!!!!!!! Someone was watching Hoda today. Mears is in the ring, with a sheet of paper. Match starts with Peyton trying a crossbody but he gets caught and hit with a backbreaker. Mears tells us his PER, I think, or is ordering off of a Chinese food menu. He hits a few stomps but gets poked in the eye. Peyton slaps him then chokes him out in the corner. Peyton heads up top but Mears cuts him off. He head up and gets pushed down. Peyton leaps with an elbow smash but Mears boots him in the gut then hits the Stunner for the win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marv come out to congratulate Mears as off to the side of the entrance we see a Macklin, Man Without Fear looking on by himself. Macklin walks to the back as Mears and Marv are drinking some more.

We are with Brian and Bobby as they leave the Cineplex. Brian is on the phone while Bobby and Hilda try to play Cruisin USA’ with the manual setting.

Brian: (On the phone with unknown person) Yeah, this plan worked out well. I told my Aunt Peggy I would drive this dumbass to the dentist. And this fat broad you got to seduce him with candy and arcade games worked like a charm. Oh, hold on, here they come.

Bobby: HEY PAL, guess what.

Brian: I dont know

Hilda: (Extends her hand to show a Ring Pop on her ring finger) Bobby proposed to me!!!!!!

Bobby: WE ARE FIXIN’ TO GET HITCHED. NOW WE CAN HAVE A PARTY WITH A CANDY BUFFET!!!!!

Brian: Well, congratulations. (Pulls a dollar out of his wallet) How about you go play Dance Revolution while I laugh at you.

Bobby & Hilda: What was that?

Brian: Use it to play games. (Back on the phone as the imbeciles leave) Guess what, they are getting married now. Get ready for the Bachelor Party at Lego Land (Laughs at his own joke). Seriously, this will work out to our advantage. With my dumb fuck cousin distracted, I will once again be in charge of the BoD.