BoD RAW

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Welcome to BOD Raw!

The lights go out in the BOD Arena! In the pitch black, we hear a voice:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, STILL your BOD World Champion, Jef Vinson!”

“Ode to Joy” plays as the lights come on, 4 spotlights trained on the entrance as the BOD Champ, Jef Vinson, stands with his title and his valet! He makes his way to the ring, big smile on his face. He’s got the mic:

“Well, here we are again. As I was landing in the lear jet after my trip to the South of France, I realized something. And here’s what I have to say, BOD; who’s left? Cult couldn’t beat me. Parallax couldn’t beat me. Petuka couldn’t beat me. The Fuj didn’t even show up! And Abeyance, well, we all saw how that turned out! They put me in the Elimination Chamber, and still I stand here, your world champion. Let’s face it, it’s almost unfair – I used to be the guy who overcame the odds, but now, I’m the institution! I’m the dynasty! I am….Jef Vinson! (He poses, his valet sighs)”

Wait! That’s the music of the one and only Biff Kensington! And all of Kensington Enterprises stands on the entrance ramp, applauding! And it looks like he has something to say.

Jef Vinson. I have to hand it to you, Vinson. I’ve never seen anyone take on all comers and come out on top like you have! Let’s give him a big hand! (Kensington Enterprises hoots and hollers; The HUSS section HUSSES!) Now, Mr. Vinson, I do have some bad news for you. (He points to Hoss) As you know, I have the uncrowned World Champion right here! And when the time comes, he’ll be walking away with that title.”

Vinson: Any time, anywhere.

Biff: (Laughs) I see you understand the concept of the Money on the Table. Good for you! Now then, I have a few announcements to make tonight! Thanks to my close, personal relationship with the GM

Vinson: That’s a laugh. Your money doesn’t mean anything to Bobby – he’s already rich.

Biff: No, no, not my money. My connections. You see, right now, I’ve invited my good friend, Mr. Rob Schneider, to regale the GM with tales of the making of ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo’, which I understand is one of our GM’s all-time faves! As such, he has been generous enough to allow me to make a few decisions for him. First off, next week on BOD Raw, the most underrated superstar in the BOD, Extant, will get his B+ title shot against that waste of space, Kaptain Kiwi, in a steel cage! And I have no doubt that when all is said and done, yet another piece of gold will line the waist of a member of Kensington Enterprises.

Vinson: Get to the point, Biff. My valet and I have some….sightseeing to do.

Biff: Of course, champ. As for you, we will crown a new number 1 contender in a fatal 4-way match tonight!

Vinson: I knew about that match.

Biff: Oh, I’m sure you did. I understand that you’ve convinced the GM to allow that hack, AndyPG, in the match as thanks for what he did for you at Battleground. But as for the other 3, I’ve selected a diverse group – tonight, the fatal 4-way will consist of AndyPG, Cultstatus, Abeyance, and John Petuka!

Vinson: Great, 3 guys I’ve already beat and 1 writer that I owed a favor to. What a challenge.

Biff: Well, here’s the part your should pay attention to, Vinson – one of these men, no doubt the winner, is the NEWEST member of Kensington Enterprises! And that man will not only be the #1 contender, at BOD Summerfest, but with my guidance, he will be the NEW World Champion! So, Mr. Vinson – enjoy that title while you can. Oh, and one more thing – Stackhouse. This has gone on long enough. At BOD Summerfest, Kensington Enterprises will challenge the Riverdale morons to a street fight – the losing team must disband! We’re ending this! BIFF has SPOKEN!! (Kensington Enterprises waves at Vinson and heads to the back!)

AndyPG is in the back; Wade Michael Metzler comes up to him.

Wade: Andy, thoughts on being put in the main event tonight?

AndyPG: You know, I never intended to be in this position; I did the right thing; I stopped a maniac with a chair from ruining a great match. It’s nice to know that sometimes-

BANG! From behind, it’s kbjone with his trusty chair! He levels AndyPG!

Kbjone: That NEVER gets old, does it? Gonna hit you over and and over, AndyPG! Gonna get you!

Kbjone runs off as medical personnel swarm, raising his chair over his head as he goes!

Backstage, Parallax is walking with his minion, Darklight. Parallax is handed his organic smoothie and dumps it right on Darklight’s head, telling him it is not organic enough. Parallax is pissed off as he curbstomps Clark O’Brien for no good reason. Parallax then decides he has had enough and leaves the arena, curbstomping a few random spambots and all the infrequent posters named Kevin and Brian.

Adam Curry vs The Brazilian Psycho

Adam Curry walks out with no music, calmly staring at The Brazilian Psycho. Curry looks almost too calm; he disappeared after sending his 2 teammates to the hospital at Battleground, and this is the first we’ve seen of him since that night. There’s the bell and we’re underway! Psycho dances around, looking to lock up; Curry still hasn’t moved and is just staring at Psycho. He cocks his head to the side as Psycho doesn’t know what to do; finally, Psycho rears back to throw the first punch…..which is calmly blocked by Adam Curry. Curry looks down at him, almost curiously….and FLOORS him with a big right hand! He snaps into action, sending Psycho into the corner and unloads a flurry of lefts and rights, then whips him to the far corner, running elbow to the chin! Psycho stumbles out of the corner, Curry puts the boots to him. Off the ropes, takes Psycho’s head off with a big lariat! Curry picks him up….brainbuster! 1,2, no! Curry picked him up! Curry with a powerbomb! 1,2, Curry picks him up again! “God didn’t create Adam Curry; he just got out of my way!” CURRY SPINNING SCREWDRIVER! 1,2,3. Total squash for Adam Curry! He gets up and calmly walks to the back after the pinfall, not even bothering to get his hand raised. What is going on with Adam Curry?

We’re in the back with John Petuka.

Petuka: You all saw what I saw – I had Vinson beat. I had the BOD world title won. And it took that fat cow of his to stop me from claiming what was rightfully mine, the BOD World title! But I’m John Petuka, and nothing is going to stop me from claiming what is rightfully mine, and that’s the BOD World Championship! Tonight, I claim the mantle of #1 contender, and at Summerfest, you’ll be saying the words ‘New World Champion, John Petuka!’ Now then, I have an appointment….with a very rich man. (Petuka winks at the camera) Your brush with Petuka…..is over!

Down in the bowels of the arena, Archie Stackhouse, Robert Davis, Moose, Reggie, and Hot Dog, AKA The Riverdale Covenant, have some words for Biff Kensington.

Davis: I told you, Biff Kensington, I told you that your breaking point would come. And now, it’s here. (Giggles) You’ve made your last mistake. At Summerfest, the BOD will be rid of the cancer that is Kensington Enterprises; the righteous will cleanse the wicked, Biff. Know this is the truth.

Archie: Biff Kensington, Uncle Caliber told me that the pride goeth before the fall so many times during our training sessions; how does it feel to watch whatever pride you had left fall like a crashing wave? Like so much water through your hands, whatever control you had left is cascading out of your control. The Riverdale Covenant is not like your group of hired assassins, Biff – we are a brotherhood. We stand united for cause, not money! We stand as the last bastions of truth in a world of lies. We are the light, Biff – and now, Kensington Enterprises will see that light as their last act. My most trusted lieutenant, Robert Davis, was right; you’ve been broken, Biff. All that remains is for us to clean up the pieces. (He nods to Davis, who holds up Jughead, looking quite insane)

Davis: Covenant! (They look to Davis, and chant along) Welcome to Hell! Welcome….to Riverdale! (Davis whispers alone as the camera focuses on him) Welcome….to the End.

White Goodman vs. “The Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten

PrimeTime comes out to the Canadian National Anthem while wearing his Wayne Gretzky jersey. He points at World renowned timekeeper Mister E Mahn, who gets up and leaves his table as apprentice Blake Littlehand gets to jump in and take charge. His new BoDTron screen shows photos for Howie Mandell, Lorne Micahels, and the guy who jumped off of a bridge from “Degrassi Jr. High” but edited as it shows PTT pushing him off then performing a hockey-like celebration afterwards. Match starts with PTT ambushing Goodman from behind. PTT tosses Goodman outside then does the Stanley Cup raise in the ring. PTT suplexes Goodman in from the apron and works over the back until he gets the win with a Fisherman’s Buster. PTT now grabs the mic:

“Americans, behold, God’s Greatest Gift from the Great White North. I am the Stanley Cup MVP of the BoD, I am……….”

The lights just went out! We now see a red and white strobe light. And a song plays

“Its the CCCCCCCCCanaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddiiiiiiiaaaaaaaannnnnnn Dream!!!!!!!

Not Quite a common man,

Almost Equal to 80% American,

Not Quite a common man,

Make Poutine with my hands

I’m the CCCCCaanadian Dream

Not Quite a common man

So many awards its beyond belief

Not Quite a common man

Might as well call me Mr. Maple Leaf

Its’ Mister E Mahn!!!!!! PTT is beside himself as he proclaims to be the Pride of Canada. Mister E Mahn is out with his red and white denim jacket as the Canadian fans and time keeping enthusiasts all go nuts. PTT is flipping out as the “Canadian Dream” is causing pandemonium.

Let’s get some comments from Abeyance.

Abeyance: My time here in the BOD hasn’t been without challenges. And let me be the first to say, I lost at the Elimination Chamber. But let me also say this: when I beat Cultstatus at BOD Mania, I was promised a one on one title shot that I never got. And now, I have to win another match – well, let me tell you something. I don’t back down and I don’t care what anyone says – I will be the BOD World champion after I win this fatal 4-way tonight, and the era of Abeyance will begin! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting that I better not be late for. See you tonight, boys!

Lets check in on the Job Mob:

Jobber: Hey, Chartock. Zanatude. We are going to reveal our 4th member at BoD SummerSlam.

Chartock: Who is it?

Zanatude: Do they have connections?

Jobber: Its 99.9% finalized. You will know when you need to though. (phone rings). Hold on guys, I gotta take this. Yeah, where are you? Sounds like you are hanging from the ceiling at the Rainforest Cafe or something. (door closes behind him)

Justice Gray is polishing the his six-man tag belt as Rockstar Gary steadily balances his bottle of whiskey on his belt in-between shots.

Gray: You seen Brian tonight?

Gary: We’re the champs!

Gray: Yes, I know.

Gary: The champs!

Gray: I was there, Gary. Have you seen Brian tonight?

Gary: I dunno, last I saw him, he said that was making plans. Something about Bobby or something, I don’t get all that stuff. (He takes a swig from the bottle and holds up his belt) I’m a champ!

Gray: Bobby said we have to defend our titles at the next PPV, Gary. Don’t die before then, okay? (Wonders out loud) I wonder where Bayless is?

Gary drunkenly sings “We are the Champions” as Gray looks slightly perturbed.

We see Brian Bayless drive down the road. He is going to his Aunt Peggy’s house to find Bobby Bayless, who is exhausted after seeing the movie “Pixels” 14 times this past weekend. Brian keeps on driving as he is several hundred miles away from his destination.

We’re in the BOD gym with Cultstatus. He’s working the heavy bag with kicks and strikes. He looks up and sees the camera. He smiles, motions around his waist, and draws a thumb across his throat, then continues to work the heavy bag.

We’ve back in the locker room with Wade Michael again.

Wade: We’ve received word that AndyPG is going to compete tonight against doctor’s recommendation. We’re told that he has been treated for a concussion, and has barely passed the protocol…..(kbjone has joined Wade, calmly patting him on the shoulder, chair in hand)

kbjone: You seem uncomfortable, Wade. Is it because I had red onions for lunch on my sandwich today? Or is it because I like to hit people with chairs now?

Wade: Uh…..the latter.

kbjone: Oh, you’re such a worrywart! Let me ask you something, Wade – who’s going to win this match tonight? (Whispering) There’s only one non-chair to the head answer, Wade.

Wade: (Trembling) Uh….John Petuka?

kbjone: (Laughs and musses up Wade’s hair) That’s right, Wadey-o! IT’S ALL FOR YOU, JOHN! NEXT WORLD CHAMP!

kbjone walks off, and Wade lets out a huge breath. He turns towards the camera…..and kbjone just leveled the cameraman with a chairshot! The camera goes tumbling down as we hear kbjone skipping down the hall, humming under his breath!

And now, we see Mike Mears at his BBQ Truck.

(The door opens as a cloud of smoke pours out while a few bottles of beer clank down the stairs. Mears stumbles out and stops fellow BoD’er Jose Gomez)

Mears: Hey!!!! Hey, come over here.

Gomez: What’s that?

Mears: (holding out a plate of food) I made some Pulled Pork nachos, you gotta try them.

Gomez: Sure (Tentatively grabs some and politely eats a few). Hey, there are not that bad.

Mears: You know what is bad?

Gomez: What?

Mears: White Thunder’s WAR.

Gomez: huh?

Mears: I think that Andy PG is underrated. Solid PER on that guy.

Gomez: Um………..

Mears: Look, I detailed it out for you

Gomez: Looks over

Mears: (boots Gomez in the gut then hits a stunner. Mears stumbles as he gets up then picks up the remaining nachos on the plate and eats a few). Yeah, they’re fucking good. (Eats as he stumbles away).

Next week our own Wade Michael Meltzer will interview Parallax and also attempt to locate the Fuj.

We get a replay of Dancin’ Devin Harris and FunkDoc aligning with Night and X Man as they destroyed the Bobby Bayless cowboys and indians 4th of July skit. Now, all four of those men come to the ring:

Night: Listen up, our two new colleauges have something to say

Devin: To all of you fans expecting to…………………GIT FUN-KAY, I have something to say: I’M NOT GETTING FUN-KAY EVER AGAIN. I am not a dancing bear. And when I see a dumb fuck like Bobby Bayless set the human race back with his misinterpretations, I get sick to my stomach. And each and every one of you are brainwashed by thinking black guys dance, asian guys know kung fu, or even worse, the fact that shrimp and crumpet loving Cowboys took over this country from the Indians.

FunkDoc: I just finished school. As a man of higher education, I am disgusted by all I see. All of the stereotypes, right and wrong. We are smarter than that but the problem is that most of you are not.

X Man: And the ones that aren’t, we gotta beat it out of you!!!!!!

Night: Tonight and forever, we stand before you as…………………………the………………..Educated Negro Ensemble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Devin: And if you dont know what that means you will find out the hard way.

FunkDoc: Forget dancing in the ring, its time to learn in the stands. No more fun because you are all under-educated and need to learn. You can rot your brains watching films with our moron GM but if you are here, in our presence, learning will be your only option.

Night: Next week, the revolution will begin as the illiterate become the literate and the FUN-KAY ones become crippled. (All four men engage in a mock Graduation cap toss pose)

Fatal 4-way for the #1 Contendership: AndyPG vs Abeyance vs Cultstatus vs John Petuka

And taking a seat at ringside, belt in his lap, is the world champion, Jef Vinson! His valet stands behind him, massaging his shoulders as he watches the ring.

The spotlight can only mean one thing – John Petuka is here! Sporting the Petukamania shirt, he takes a deep breath and POINTS TO THE SIGN! “BODMania III…..with John Petuka” is unfurled with a bang. Petuka makes his way to the ring and stares down Vinson, Vinson holding back his valet. The music of AndyPG is next, and Andy heads down to the ring, holding his head but looking determined. And here’s the former World Champion, Cultstatus, taping his fists as he goes, looking down both men. Finally, we hear the music of Abeyance, and he sprints towards the ring! The bell rings and the fight is on!