Rants

BoD RAW

By Scott Keith on June 16, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

We’re in the ring with Abeyance, who has a mic. Let’s watch!

Abeyance: Last week, I returned to the BoD with a message for Jef Vinson. Now, I know that Vinson is vacationing in Mexico with his….ahem….valet, but I’m sure he’s listening. The last few months have been a roller coaster in more ways than one. I remember when I first came to the BoD, when I wanted to be accepted. And I first thought that acceptance came from the crowd, and when they turned on me, I was angry. And when I ended up against Cult at BoDMania, I did what I thought I had to do to get the win. And I don’t regret it! I don’t! But I do regret what happened afterwards, because instead of letting myself be who I knew I could be, I fell under the spell of you, Jef Vinson. I did your dirty work, I told myself that I was going to get a fair shake when it came to the title. But, as we all know, that didn’t happen. So, I had to figure out what to do after Cult beat me at Extreme Rules, and that meant taking some time off. (He grins) But ask old Cultstatus what happened when I came back. See, I didn’t come back to host a talk show, or to play second fiddle anymore to ANYBODY. I came back for the title shot that I earned. I came back to win, Jef Vinson, and I am here to take your title! I didn’t want Cult to beat you, Vinson, because that honor is reserved for me! No one beats you for that belt until I do, and you can count on that – I’m taking the BOD world title from you, and when I do, the era of Abeyance….will begin.
He drops the mic and looks to head to the back, but the tron flickers to life! It’s Jef Vinson, live from the sandy beaches of Mexico! He’s got a (non-alcoholic) drink in one hand, while his valet massages his shoulders. 
Vinson: Abeyance, Abeyance. My dear friend. I could give a response to your nonsense, but the truth is, you’re kidding yourself. The closest you ever got to this belt was when I let you wax it for me. And that’s the closest you WILL get to this belt. You see, Abeyance, I’ve been the champ since Mania for a reason, and if a legend like Cultstatus couldn’t beat me, if the former champ Jobber couldn’t beat me, I don’t think that a former talk show host stands much of a chance. You’ve got some moxie, kid, but you’re not ready to hang with Jef Vinson, and that’s the truth. I’ll be back on BoD Raw next week, and we can talk about your….feelings (snickers). But until then, know this – I’m Jef Vinson. I am the champ, and you never will be. (To his valet) Now then, as I was talking about things being waxed earlier….(His valet stands in front of him and drops her towel. Vinson looks down in approval and grins.) Au revoir, Abeyance.







Dean Andrews & Timeandtherani vs The Herbkunzes

Andrews and Rani are still in their costumes from rehearsal. They look ridiculous. And now, the debut of the Herbkunzes! Dock Muraco and Redstorm11 are heading to the ring, both with tablets. They seem to posting on internet message boards during their entrance. Redstorm11 has a mic – “Dock, do you think this crowd is ready for some real wrestling? Do you think they’re ready to get their socks knocked off by the best workrate in the world today?” Dock is still typing furiously on his tablet. He finishes, and takes the mic. “Sorry, was debating some idiot on the boards about Reilly/Kushida. He says ****1/4, while the match was clearly ****1/2. Completely gave the match the shaft because they rested for 48 seconds when it was actually 44 seconds. Moron; get a stopwatch that works if you want to rate with the big boys. Thank God I was there to set him straight. Now, BoD, prepare, because it’s time to show you the world’s greatest workrate right here, in the BoD!” 
They give their tablets to the ring announcer, and we’re underway! Looks like Redstorm11 and Andrews are going to start. Redstorm offers the handshake, which Andrews accepts…cautiously, as Redstorm has a grin on his face. He turns to the crowd – “SPORTSMANSHIP!” Lockup, fireman’s carry takeover by Redstorm. He poses. “WORKRATE!” Dock applauds from the apron. Lockup, go behind by Andrews, headlock, Redstorm shoots him off the ropes, drop toehold, Redstorm slides into an armbar. Andrews gets to his feet, whips him to the corner, charges, Redstorm moves, rolls him up and tries to step through, Andrews with a right to the face! Redstorm is shocked! He rolls out of the ring and grabs a mic. “Hey. HEY! Referee, this is a wrestling match, not a damn boxing match! Watch that closed fist! Palm strikes only!” He throws down the mic in disgust and rolls back in, tags in Muraco, who’s been nodding sympathetically. Muraco and Andrews circle, lockup, Muraco with a wristlock. He tries to wrestle Andrews down to a Fujiwara armbar, but Andrews breaks and goes to his corner, and tags in Rani. Rani gains the advantage with a headlock, Muraco tries to shoot him off, but Rani hangs on. They’re down on the mat and Muraco rolls him over for 2. Muraco gets back to his feet, fires elbows, but Rani won’t let go…..Muraco transitions behind, standing switch, Blue Thunder Driver! “WORKRATE!” Muraco goes for the cover, but Rani kicks out at 1. Muraco fires Yakuza kicks at the chest of Rani, and tags in Redstorm, draping Rani over the second rope, Redstorm off the ropes, Tiger Feint Kick! 1,2 no! Redstorm loads him up…..Fisherman’s Buster! 1,2, no! Redstorm goes to the top rope, looking to end it…..Phoenix splash MISSES! Both wrestlers are down! Redstorm stirs, while Rani is looking for the tag….hot tag to Andrews! He’s fists of fire, and Muraco is losing his shit on the apron about the closed fists! Andrews sends Redstorm off the ropes, belly to belly suplex! 1,2, NO! Andrews picks up Redstorm, goes for a suplex, Redstorm pushes him off, catches the leg, Dragon-screw legwhip! Muraco – “WRESTLING!” Redstorm is reaching for the tag, and he gets it! Muraco in with Palm strikes as he backs Andrews into a corner, cross-corner whip, but Andrews comes out with a BIG lariat! Both wrestlers are down…..wait, Redstorm just pulled Rani off the apron! “NO CLOSED FISTS IN A WRESTLING MATCH!!” He screams as he sends Rani to the barricade! Andrews is reaching for the tag, but there’s no one there! He gets himself to his feet, but Muraco has tagged in Redstorm! Redstorm kicks him in the back of the leg! Andrews is down again! More Yakuza kicks…..Shining Wizard by Redstorm! 1,2, Redstorm PICKS him up! “No one jobs to just one finisher, this is WORKRATE!” He tags in Muraco, who comes in with a facewash, then a Michinoku Driver! 1,2, Muraco PICKS him up! “Not yet, we’re barely past 3 stars!” He takes the carcass of Andrews up…..Kudome Valentine! 1,2, HE PICKS HIM UP AGAIN! “Almost there!” He tags back in Redstorm, Redstorm with the full nelson on Andrews…..SUPERKICK INTO DRAGON SUPLEX!! 1,2,3! The Herbkunzes are the victors! The camera zooms in as both grab their tablets and post on the forums! “You have been privileged to watch greatness debut here! WORKRATE!!!” 

Backstage, Kaptain Kiwi is with Sir Tony Garea: 

Sir Tony: Son, ya aint got much of a fight next week as you got that Average Joe Everyman in a match. He is drunker than Kiwifruit tree soaking in Fosters
Kiwi: (Garea stare in full effect) He has koala shit for brains too. 
Sir Tony: Attaboy, Kiwi! Ya go after the bastard and stretch him out real good too!!!!!!!!
Kiwi: (maintains Garea stare)






Biscuit has been traveling with Strike Force as they will face Camp Cleveland next week. Camp Cleveland is on a bus back to Cleveland as we speak.

Indeed: Biscuit, lets see your new look!
Biscuit: (walks out and looks quite uncomfortable): I dont like this jacket
Mar Solo: (Runs around with coffee while giving high-fives)
Biscuit: (thinks he is being ribbed, proceeds to go to the Strike Force bathroom, presumably to get them back by taking an upper decker. 






We see a BBQ Truck driving around with a few empty beer bottles tossed out as it will apparently pull into town next week. 

And here is the highlights from Hoss at last week’s New England Ice Cream Competition:

We are somewhere in Vermont as 25 local creameries have brought their finest ice creams. Hoss, with Biff Kensington III holding the Money on the Table Briefcase, sits down at the table as the ice cream is brought up to him.

Hoss: ALRIGHT, BRING ME ICE CREAM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #1: Here is some of my homemade Chocolate Chip Crunch ice cr……….(Hoss snatches it from his hand)
Hoss: (Takes out his scoopin’ spoon and samples the ice cream) THIS IS GOOD!!! PUT THE REST IN MY VAN
Contestant #1: Uh, I don’t…..
Hoss: (Angrier than usual) SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND PUT THE ICE CREAM IN MY VAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hoss stands up as Contestant #1 runs away and heads towards his ice cream).
WHO IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #2: Here is some Heath Bar Crunch
Hoss: (Inspects the cup) WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY
Contestant #2: I made some ice cream
Hoss: WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO AND DONT YOU LIE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contestant #2: I worked on my garden
Hoss: WHAT KIND OF GARDEN!!!!!
Contestant #2: I plant daffodils and my own tomatoes and……………(his own ice cream sample gets thrown at his face
Hoss: (irate) YOU CONTAMINATED THE SAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TOUCHED THE HEALTH FOOD!!!!!! YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED!!!!!!!!!! (Contestant #2 runs away as #HOSSINTUITION scrolls on the screen). 
Contestant #3: Here is my sample (Hands Hoss ice cream on a stick)
Hoss: Come here
Contestant #3: Yes sir!
Hoss: (Out of his mind) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS HILLBILLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!! I DONT EAT ICE CREAM ON A STICK. (Hoss backhands the contestant then hits him with the Pantsshitter before chokeslamming him through the table. 
Biff: Contestants, now is the time where you hand in everything you brought into our van or else (points at the injured contestant. All the others now get their samples into the van ASAP)





John Petuka vs The Brazilian Psycho

Petuka walks that aisle and pauses when he gets to the bottom of the ramp, bouncing back and forth like Lesnar, and snaps his fingers – bang! The “BOD Mania III….with John Petuka” banner is unfurled! Petuka takes a deep breath and POINTS TO THE SIGN! He’s ready to go! Lockup, and Petuka grabs the headlock. Psycho shoots him off, Petuka with a quick shoulderblock! Criss-cross, Psycho pops up with a lariat, ducked by Petuka, who comes off the ropes with a lariat of his own! Petuka picks him up, backs him into the corner, raining rights and lefts, whips him cross-corner, Psycho hits him with a boot on the blind charge. Psycho with a standing dropkick and he goes up. Bodypress off the top rope! 1,2, no! He sends Petuka off the ropes, looking for the back body drop, Petuka over with the sunset flip, 1,2, no! Petuka with the boots, and we hit the chinlock. Psycho fights up, elbows to the mid-section, off the ropes, Petuka ducks and here’s a belly-to-back suplex. Petuka makes the motion for the PETUKA BAZOOKA, but Psycho slips out and delivers a superkick! 1,2, No! So close! Psycho heads up to the top, but Petuka crotches him! Petuka up….superplex! And now, the PETUKA BAZOOKA! 1,2,3! Another win for John Petuka! 
Petuka is celebrating…..but here’s kbjone! He hits the ring with his trusty chair, and Petuka bails. Kbjone is helping Psycho to his feet…..chair-assisted side Russian Legsweep to Psycho! Kbjone points to Petuka, giving him a big smile and a thumbs up, and he points to the sign! “YOU CAN DO IT, JOHN!!!” He yells, again pointing at Petuka and then the sign! Petuka looks a little freaked out – what is going on with the former Upper Midcard Express?







And now lets see how the Job Mob did at Game 5 of last night’s NBA Finals:

(We are in a luxury box as Jobber chops up some lines of coke while Zanatude rolls a blunt.)


Jobber: Hey Zanatude, how’s the blunt looking
Zanatude: (Double fisting brews) Good!
Jobber: (Phone Rings) Yo, make two 2015 Golden State Warriors NBA Champion rings. Hold on. “yo, anyone else wanna championship ring?”
Chartock: Can you smoke it?
Zanatude: Yeah, can you smoke it
Jobber: (To the jeweler) Hey, can you smoke these if necessary? I guess you cant smoke them guys
Zanatude: Fuck it
Chartock: I’ll take a beer
Jobber: Just two and put them on Bobby Bayless’ tab. That motherfucker screwed me over. And I aint going back until I get my respect. (Phone rings) Yo, whats up. I am glad you called back (shuts door to the luxury box)






Once again, the “Pride of Canada” match is postponed as it was scheduled during the Stanley Cup Finals. Here we see a clip of Mister E Mahn, collecting 6 awards at the Swahili Awards For Excellence. PrimeTime Ten is shown at home wearing a Wayne Gretzky jersey while pointing and laughing at a poster of Patrick Stefan. Next week, folks.






Fuj vs. “The Texas Trainwreck” Bobby


The Fuj is back as Bobby greets him with an attack from behind. Bobby stomps a mudhole in Fuj, who is lying in the corner. Bobby stops to ring his cowbell then tries a Bronco Buster but Fuj dodges the attack. Fuj gets up and goes for the ankle lock but Bobby manages to escape outside. Fuj doesnt care and flies out with a clothesline as the Fuj now stands and looks at the crowd, who applauds. Fuj rolls Bobby back inside and hits a butterfly suplex. Fuj now grapevines the leg to soften Bobby up for the ankle lock then applies the hold. Fuj is about to put Bobby away but Hart Killer runs out and attacks the Fuj from behind for the DQ. Hart Killer now pulls out a lighter and a can of hairspray. OH MY GOD, HE IS GOING TO BURN HIM. Fuj manages to sweep Hart Killer then scoops up the lighter and kicks the can to the floor. Hart Killer gets up and hits Fuj low then stomps away. Bobby comes too and he joins in as Hart Killer grabs the bullrope and they attempt to hang the Fuj!!!!!!! They tie up the Fuj and now drape him over the ropes!!! Bobby runs out to grab a chair but several officials come down to break it up. Hart Killer gloats as Bobby rings his cowbell while the crowd pelts them with garbage.






BoD Network is proud to introduce their new spokesman, former Writer’s Champion, Stranger in the Alps. Here is some footage of Stranger in the Alps signing the endorsement deal at the local Papa John’s while enjoying a tasty slice of pulled pork pizza. Next week, we will get our first commercial!

A single streetlight is lit on a dark avenue, and Archie Stackhouse strolls underneath the light. 

Archie: Biff Kensington. Foolish, foolish, Biff. You seem to think that the Riverdale Covenant are to be stopped. Back in the days when training under Uncle Caliber, I was given the chance to watch a film that most have seen, the classic tale known as Jaws. The story of men who cannot seemingly stop a force of nature, an animal that keeps coming until, with their number reduced by each moment, one of them fires the lucky shot that finally allows them to slay their predator. As Uncle Caliber did not care for most films, it was a rare treat that he allowed me; of course, I had to pay for it with 20 lashes each time I dared to partake in the ecstasy of seeing men reduced to relying on blind luck to stop their oncoming demise. Of course, it was worth it, because it reminded me that Archie Stackhouse must be the shark, and not it’s prey. You see, Biff, we will keep coming. You can’t stop us. You fired your lucky shot at Payback, and kept your precious metal. But myself and Robert Davis are not dead, Biff. We’re not even wounded. We will keep coming, Biff, and each time you resist our lessons, the harder we will charge. We are the predators, Biff, and you are the prey. Submit to consumption, and some of the pain may be spared. But make no mistake – you have used up the last bullets in your chamber. You will be brought to heel by the Riverdale Covenant, you and the rest of Kensington Enterprises, you will hear the words as we bless your broken carcasses under the heels of our boots – (Archie snaps his fingers, and the streetlight goes out) Welcome to Hell. Welcome….to Riverdale.






Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensignton vs. Logan Scisco & Andy PG


The HUSS section is in full effect tonight. The Berzerker once again tries to go out to them but Biff Kensington brings him back. Match starts with Andy and Logan working over Curtis Williams as the Berkzerker HUSSES. HUSS! HUSS! Biff trips up Logan then Curtis drops an elbow before tagging the Berzerker, who hits a pair of big boots and a HUSS drop. Berzerker charges but Logan rolls away then hits a dropkick before tagging Andy, who is a house of fire. Not HUSS of fire. Andy attempts to clean house but Williams knees him in the back from the apron then tags himself into the match. Williams elbows Logan to the floor then slams Andy before applying the HUSS lock as the Berzeker screams HUSS!!!! HUSS!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Andy has no choice but to tap as Curtzerker wins again. Biff climbs in the ring with the belts and is there any team that can beat these guys?
Justice Gray and Rockstar Gary are returning from Sam’s Club with a pallet of different flavored Pop Tarts and a barrel of Jack Daniels. 
Rockstar: A barrel of Jack Daniels. Greatest store ever. 
Justice: We need to get Bobby his pop tarts. Said if he didn’t have them before he watched You don’t mess with the Zohan, he’d be very sad. 
Rockstar: Dude. A BARREL of JACK Daniels. 
Justice: Yeah, I know. 
Rockstar: A BARREL! 
Justice: Are you going to help with these Pop Tarts or not? 
Rockstar: Yeah, yeah. Did Bobby say when we get our title shot?
Justice: Next PPV, I think. He said we were doing a great job. Where’s Bayless?
Rockstar: Dunno. Dude – BARREL!
Justice: You’re not going to be training tomorrow, are you?
Rockstar: I’m going to train my liver, my man. 
Bayless walks up.
Bayless: What the hell is that?
Rockstar: IT’S A BARREL OF J-
Justice: It’s Bobby’s dinner. 
Bayless looks disgusted, and shrugs. 
Bayless: Whatever. Justice, we have to have a conversation about things, man.
Justice: After I deliver this stuff. (He pushes the pallet down the hall.)
Bayless: I assume you’re going to be no help, are you?
(Gary has already tapped the barrel and is excitedly watching the sweet, sweet Jack pour into his glass like a kid at Christmas, completely ignoring the former GM. Bayless just groans).






C-List Title
DBSM w/ C-List Posse vs. “Lone Wolf” Bill Ray


More problems between the C-List Posse as Steve Decker, possibly in the midst of a psychotic break, is now wearing camouflage and plastic grenades on his belt while the Harvey Grant and Jamiroquai almost come to blows. DBSM tries to get in between them as all hell is breaking loose. Ray, in the ring looking for a fight, sees the referee counting as DBSM is with his posse and gets counted out!!!! The guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters” pushes Michael Winslow as a melee breaks out until Steve Decker tries to set some of his plastic grenades on fire. Everyone switches their attention to him then Mark Linn-Baker walks out. DBSM runs after him as Bill Ray looks angry after getting a cheap win. 

Lets check on some backstage happenings: 

Dancin’ Devin Harris: Hey man, that street fight last week was embarrassing
FunkDoc: Yeah, I like fun and all but that was just wrong. 
DDH: Almost made me ashamed to………………..GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FunkDoc: I hear that. 
(Night & X Man walk in)
Night: After last week, maybe you Uncle Tom’s arent so bad after all
DDH: Who the fuck are you calling Uncle Tom?
X Man: Calm down. Do you realize that they had us in a Harlem Street fight with just stereotypes and incorrect ones at that. 
Night: Yeah, and I have a peanut allergy
Funk Doc: Not what I heard (Slaps hands with DDH)
Night: All I am saying is that we are not all that different
DDH: Oh, but we are. You see, we are not miserable like you two. And we like to have a good time. Just because we both thought last week’s stipulations were bad doesnt mean we are tight. 
X Man: Keep on dancin then. Maybe you will both get that Soul Train appearance no one has been looking forward too (Night & X Man leave as DDH & FunkDoc look at them and then at each other). 

Biff Kensington, along with Extant and Hoss are standing by. Wade Michael Meltzer holds the microphone. 

Wade: Biff, I have to ask – do you have any worries about the Riverdale Covenant? 
Biff:  (looks at him in disgust) The Riverdale WHO? Please stop speaking in my presence. Let’s not bother with those high school rejects, let’s talk about the future B+ champion, Extant, and the future World Champion, the Money on the Table holder, Hoss! You see, money has made the men, as it does for all the members of Kensington Enterprises, and soon, it will allow us to hold all the gold; because, let’s face it, if there was one thing that Biff Kensington was born to do, it was tend to the gold. Soon, Kensington Enterprises will unleash the rest of our master plan to ensure that everyone will carry that sweet, sweet precious metal around their waist. Tell them, Extant” 
Extant: “It’s true, BoD. Biff Kensington has already revealed his master plan to me, and I admit, I didn’t fully realize his brilliance until I saw how thoroughly he prepared for every eventuality. I WILL defeat that Packers fan wannabe cheesehead Kiwi for the BoD B+ Championship, and fulfill the promise I have always had here in the BoD. And Hoss? He’s the uncrowned world champion for a reason. When he DECIDES he wants that belt, playtime with Vinson and Abeyance is OVER.” Biff cackles and hands Meltzer a $100 bill; while Wade admires it, Biff snatches it back and throws a roll of pennies at him as Kensington Enterprises leave the interview area.






And now, Bobby Bayless is in the ring for the State of the Union Address: 

Hey pals, HA HA HA. LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But first lets talk about the Battleground PPV. We are going to have an Elimination Chamber Match for the title. But, I made a new elimination chamber and its gonna be fun. Lets roll the footage: 


(We see the Elimination Chamber structure as it now features two slides, a trampoline, and a ball pit. Plus, a plastic pink flamengo, a chocolate fountain, and some packaging peanuts)


The camera cuts to the crowd, who are shocked, then back to Bobby as he tells us the qualifying matches will take place next week. But wait a minute, here comes Bobby’s cousin, Brian. 


Brian: Stop. Bobby, you need to stop. (Holds the script for the 4th of July sketch). What the else is this, Bobby? 
Bobby: That’s a script of fun stuff! And its historical too!
Brian: What the fuck is historical about this? You have cowboys, from England, who like shrimp on the barbie? That is an Australian stereotype, not for cowboys and the British!!!!
Bobby: Like Kaptain Kiwi and Sir Tony Garea!
Brian: NO! Like Crocodile Dundee. (Bobby is confused) The Crocodile in Los Angeles
Bobby: HA HA HA HA HA, I like the guy who hunts the crocies!!!!
Brian: And Bobby, there is nothing about the Indians in the 4th of July. 
Bobby: What about the big chief? I like Kevin McHale too
Brian: Dammit Bobby, Robert Parish is not an Indian chief!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a basketball player and you know what else? THEY DIDNT SERVE SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS AT THANKSGIVING DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bobby: I knew it! They had chicken nuggets!!!!!
Brian: (takes several deep breaths) Bobby, why does the Elimination Chamber look like the inside of a Chuck E Cheese?
Bobby: Its fun and Fast Eddie and his friends will put it together!!!
Brian: Bobby, they are not pros. They might get these guys killed. 
Bobby: That’s not fun. 
Brian: Its not and you know why, because you are a fucking idiot, just like the time you fell off of the roof or the time we put Doritos down your pants while you were asleep and stomped them and that morning we convinced you that you gave birth. 
Bobby: I had Dorito Babies! I wish they were Swedish Fish!
Brian: You fucking idiot! (crowd taken aback at how verbally abusive Brian has become). You ruined everything. You have the Big Man From Saskatoon in the palm of your hand and rolling in dough and for what, for you to make a mockery of everything. (Walks away) And by the way, you have the thighs of a cruiserweight. (Brian slams the mic down and walks away as Bobby looks sad in the ring. The crowd is in shock as to how mean Brian was as he leaves)

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