Rants

BoD RAW

By Scott Keith on May 26, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

It’s the BOD World Champion, Jeff Vinson! We’re in the center of the ring and here’s your world champion, with his lovely (and affordable) valet holding the mic for him:
Vinson: Last week, myself and Cultstatus signed the contract for what is sure to be a momentous battle for THIS BoD World Championship….that I am sure to be victorious in. Also last week at the hotel later, my valet proved that barking like a dog isn’t an unattractive character trait, especially when she’s as naked as the day she was born, oui? But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here because the new GM, Bobby Bayless, told me that I was getting an appreciation celebration for how awesome a champion and representative for the BOD I’ve been for since BODMania. And let me tell you something, just between you and me….no one deserves this more. See, ever since I won the World title, the demands on my time have been extreme – from visiting children at hospitals whose last wish was to see a World Wrestling Champion….well, sending the valet with a cardboard cutout and a pre-recorded message on my phone, if that counts. Media appearances, from podcast to podcast, I know Jericho is gonna call any day now, it all just runs together. So, let’s do this! Bring on the balloons and let the celebration begin!
The theme from “Punky Brewster” plays and here’s our GM, Bobby Bayless!
Bobby: Jeff Vinson! Dude, I’ve been so looking forward to this! We haven’t even had a real chance to meet before, man! You’ve always been so busy, and me, well, that ABC afterschool special where Adam Sandler played a drug dealer wasn’t going to watch itself, am I right? (Laughs) Ah, but I learned a valuable lesson from that one. Anyway, it’s so good to see you, man!
Vinson: Yeah, yeah. Good to see you too, man. Nice to meet you and all that. Hey, were there going to be chicks at this appreciation?
Bobby: Yeah, so, listen, I gotta come clean. I didn’t exactly invite you to anything, man. I just saw you out here when I switched to the monitor feed, and saw you, and decided I needed to come out and say hi!
Vinson: Wait….so, if you didn’t –
WHAM! It’s Cultstatus! He was the fan in the front row dressed in the #1 Vinson fan gear! And he’s taking it to the BoD World champion! Left, right, left, right, Vinson off the ropes and Cult DROPS him with a huge powerbomb! And Vinson has been sent to the floor! And here’s Vinson’s valet from behind with the big SLAP across the face of Cultstatus! Cult takes it, and he smiles! He grabs Vinson’s valet and puts her over his knee and here’s a spanking! I think the valet likes it! She’s screaming ‘ooh-la-la’ as Cult finishes and bends her over for the Greco-Roman liplock! Vinson’s valet’s world has been rocked! She’s in a daze on the mat as Cult rules the ring, while Vinson clutches his belt and screams at him from the outside! Bobby Bayless loves it!

Let’s check out Biscuit as the takes the bus to the show:

(We are at a bust stop after last week’s BoD RAW in Cincinnati as Biscuit tries to make it to the house shows in New York this weekend. He has his shopping bag filled with Slim Jims, beer nuts, and a can of Milwakuee’s Best)

Biscuit: (Sees a man at the bus stop). Is this going up to New York?
Man: (turns away and lights up a cigarette) Not sure.
Biscuit: (Sees the Drivers, Juvydriver and Spicollidriver): Is this how you are getting to the show?
Drivers: We are the drivers and we take the bus (points toward the oncoming bus, which stops by)
Biscuit: (Looks for change in his pocket but realizes someone cut out a hole in them. He panics then looks up as the bus pulls away).
Man: Here, take this pass (Hands Biscuit a bus pass). The next bus to where you want to go comes in five minutes.
Biscuit: Thank you. (Biscuit seems a bit skeptical here).


We will check in with Biscuit later in the show.

Rockstar Gary, Justice Gray, and Brian Bayless are in the locker room. 

Rockstar: Explain to me again why we can’t have the whiskey, Bayless?
Bayless: (Frustrated) Because training while drinking is insane, Gary. 
Rockstar: Worked for us before.
Bayless: No it didn’t! You’re going nowhere!
Rockstar: We’re the number one contenders for the 6-man titles! We earned that!
Bayless: My idiot cousin Bobby made you the number one contenders. You didn’t actually win a match.
Rockstar: Yeah, like I said! We earned it!
Bayless: (Stares at Gary, sighs. Turns to Justice) You want to weigh in here?
Justice: Can’t. Bobby wants me to go to McDonalds and buy Happy Meals until I get one specific toy that he wants. Said not to leave until I had it. I’m leaving it to you guys to train. Has anyone seen Baker?
Rockstar: Last I heard, he really hit it off with one of his cellmates from last week. Said he’s the Daniel Bryan of his dreams, whatever that means. Don’t think he made the trip with us. 
Justice: Well, shit. Who’s going to train you guys and give you shit all the time and make you feel like you’re wasting your time caring about this crap while he lords over you with a sense of undeserved superiority. (Pause) Wait a second! Has anyone seen…..Dougie?

Marv Cresto & Art Macklin vs. Koko B. Flair & Redstorm11


Marv is back!!!!!! The stent is out and he isnt tanked at the ballpark!!!!!! Marv starts the match by dominating Flair. Art tags in and he is as fucking fearless as ever. He slingshots Redstorm back into the ring then stomps away. Marv laughs at Art from the apron but god-dammit Art does not care. HE IS A MAN WITHOUT FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Art hits the most dangerous atomic drop we have ever seen then Marv tags in and ends this match with the Ednabuster. After the match, we see the Fat Otters on the Screen:

Caliber: Marv, Art, next week at BoD Payback, we are shutting you down like the squat rack at Planet Fitness. 
Meekin: Its over, guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There you have it: A fearless man and a guy who recently had a stent in his cock team up to face off against Fat Otters. Only in the BoD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Backstage, TimeandtheRani and Dean Andrews are with the writers, who hand the guys their lines. Bobby Bayless comes in and is smiling:

Bobby: Hey, pals! My guys wrote you a script. Patty (The Seamtress) !!!!!! Show the guys there new costumes, HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Patty comes out with two cowboy costumes that feature a union jack and a shrimp on the left legs.)
Bobby: (Smiling in anticipation of the two being happy) So, uh, whaddya think!!!!!!!
TatR: Um, I am confused on what I am supposed to be here. 
Bobby: Well pal, read the lines and act it out, HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TatR: (Reading the lines) “Hey matey, let’s go down to the Ponderosa and throw another shrimp on the barbie
Dean: (Reading the lines) “Howdy doody, buckeroo!!!!! I’ll bring the crumpets”
Bobby: (Uncontrollably laughing like a moron) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The two writers are in the background, proud of their comedy)


Brian Bayless walks by then sees Average Joe Everyman:

Brian: Did you just hear that? These fucking idiots cannot even get their racial stereotypes straight! And the Big Man from Saskatoon gives him the book!
Joe: Hey man, you got any booze on you? I ran out and left my car keys in my bag (Points to a bag 50 feet away).
Brian (Repulsed) No, and maybe you take this as a sign to quit. 
Joe: I haven’t quit a day in my life. (Goes off too  get more booze)





Bill Ray vs Wiffle Bat
Bill Ray has the stick! 
Bill Ray: Coming soon, I get my revenge on that waste of space, John Petuka! And as for you, kbjone, you and I don’t have an issue, but that could change if you get in my way. Let’s do this!
Bill Ray tosses his bat to the corner and here we go! Lockup in the center of the ring, and Ray grabs a headlock, cranking on it until Bat backs him into the ropes, shoots him off, and Bat comes out with a lariat! Andrews picks him up and sends him to the corner, but Ray moves on the blind charge and there’s a German suplex! Ray holds on for the second! And here comes the third…..but here’s kbjone with his chair! Chairshot to Bill Ray! Chairshot to Wiffle Bat! Chairshot to the referee! We’re in a wide shot because the camera man has run for the hills! kbjone has the mic:
kbjone: Hitting people with chairs is fun, but it should be done safely, kids! Like, make sure you hit everyone! Also, I like beer. And tacos. And I think I may have lost a bit of whatever they call ‘it’, you know, and I think I may want to hit Petuka a few times until his head resembles a Picasso painting! Later, suckers!
Speaking of Petuka, he’s backstage watching on the monitor, when Wade Michael Meltzer comes up to him. 

Wade: John, what is your reaction to this declaration from your former tag team partner?
Petuka: My reaction? My REACTION? Please. Look, kbjone has been a thorn in my side for a long time – I carried him on my back for a long time, and frankly, it’s just sad to see what he’s become. It makes me realize that the greatness of Petuka can’t rub off on people, that it needs a Petuka-strong shell to contain itself. I understand that now. I understand that it’s truly a great thing that I do, just being John Petuka. And I know that I must become the BoD World champion not just for me, but for all of you! I must spread that light to all of you by becoming the Champ. So I’ll take care of Bill Ray and kbjone and move on to the belt I was born to hold, because I’m John Petuka. As for you, Wade….I hate to tell you this, but your brush with Petuka is OVER! (He swipes the mic out of Wade’s hand to the ground, laughing as he walks away)

PrimeTime Ten vs. The Brazilian Psycho


PTT comes to the ring holding the Canadian timekeeper awards that he stole from Mister E Mahn. He has on his Wayne Gretzky jersey as he taunts the fill-in timekeeper, Blake Littlehand. PTT then attacks TBP from behind as the match begins. PTT hits a slam then drops an elbow for two as he works a chinlock, screaming that he is in fact, Wayne Gretzky while pointing at his opponent, calling him Alexandre Daigle. PTT stays in control until he misses a clothesline from the top. TBP fights back and now has control of the match. TBP hits a springboard dropkick and now climbs up top but PTT shoves the ref into the ropes to cut him off. PTT hits a superplex and picks him up but all of a sudden, we hear the music played to cut off long-winded speeches at award shows. PTT stops and looks around. He goes back and the music plays again!!!!!!! He looks up then Mister E Mahn comes down the aisle and stops half way. PTT screams that Mister E Mahn is Alexandre Daigle while he is Wayne Gretzky but as that happens, TBP gets up and school boys PTT up quickly for a win. PTT gets up and flips out, yelling that Mister E Mahn was not supposed to be here today. Mister E Mahn then runs down and reclaims his trophies, as he then raises then up for the crowd to see as PTT is in disbelief.

Backstage, the writers are now with Peyton Drinking and Jose Gomez. Bobby runs up to them and tells them about their new characters. Patty brings over a headdress then puts a red dot on their foreheads. He also has the animal handler bring out a camel.

Bobby: Hey pals! You’re gunna be Indians. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Gomez and Peyton are in disbelief)
Bobby: (Smiling like the dipshit that he is) Read your lines, guys!!!!!!!!!
(Gomez and Peyton shake their heads as they read over their script)
Gomez: Me have wompum for you (Repeatedly puts hand against mouth to make a “woo” sound)
Peyton: I am a native Indian, from Indiana, and this is my land and we not let white man with shrimp and crumpets burn down my teepee. (Puts his hands over his face because of how idiotic this is)
Bobby: (Laughing like a complete moron) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COWBOYS AND INJUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Brian walks by and see this take place. He sees Rockstar Gary:

Brian: Can you believe this idiot is having writers write out his moronic ideas for his own entertainment. He confused people from Indiana with Native Americans and those actually from India. 
Gary: I didn’t like it, boss
Brian: I’m not the boss and that’s the fucking problem. (Brian kicks over the barrell as “Baby, you a rich man” blasts through the speakers. 



Back in the locker room, Biff Kensington has a few choice words for all of us:
Biff: Over the past few weeks, we’ve been threatened by this terrorist named Archie Stackhouse. And while I’m not scared of a delusional high school student wannabe, I have to say that after all the wonderful talent that I’ve brought to the BoD, I expected a better reception for the greatness of Kensington Enterprises than cheering that idiot. You fans have let me down for the last time. From here on in, Kensington Enterprises is going to take over th- 
THE LIGHTS GO OUT! All we hear is Biff’s labored breathing, and then the voice of Robert Davis: 
Davis: Repent your sins, Biff Kensington. The reaper is almost here. Welcome….to The End.
The lights come back on…..and Biff is wearing a Riverdale Jacket! He freaks out and throws it to the ground, stomping on it as though it were on fire. 
Due to their commitment of the BoD Dancin’ For Da Troops Event, the DDH & FunkDoc1112 are not here tonight but they will be facing Night & X Man in a Harlem Street Fight at BoD Payback
Wade Michael Meltzer is with Parallax. Wade asks him some questions between eight plugs for his VIP site but Parallax stays quiet until he rips the microphone from Wade’s hand: 
“Jobber, BoD Payback, that is where I will do my talking. And in case you are too high to realize, I am challenging you to a match.”

Parallax looks down at the mic, pauses, then whacks Wade with it before hitting the curbstomp. Parallax then walks off as he presumably leaves for the nearest Whole Foods where he nourishes his body with cage-free, fair-trade, organic produce. 
Folks, the footage of Biscuit on the bus has reportedly gone missing. We will have updates as to what happened next week. 
Anchor Cheese Presents: Champion vs. Champion Match
DBSM w/ the C-List Posse vs. Kaptain Kiwi w/ The Brothers Garea

No titles are on the line as this is all for pride. The C-List posse have been reportedly arguing all week long, with Mark Linn-Baker and Jamiroquai almost trading blows at Dave & Busters during an air hockey game. Both guys trade stuff on the mat as the C-List posse all appear to be doing their on thing in the front row. Kiwi uses a jumping side headlock takeover and works that on a match as the Brothers Garea look on-stoned face. DBSM makes it to the ropes then outsmarts Kiwi, who spills out to the floor. DBSM works the leg back inside as the tension brews among the C-List posse as the guy who played Waldo from “Family Matters” and Mark Linn-Baker start arguing as a psychotic Steve Decker smashes a novelty gavel against the guardrail, screaming “ORDER IN THE COURT!!!!!” Steve is taking is Fantasy Baseball GM duty a bit too seriously. DBSM sees this take place and wants them to get it together but turns around a gets taken down with a hiptoss as its……………….THE FIVE MOVES OF SNOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He caps it off with the Garea Stretch. DBSM struggles but makes it to the ropes as Steve Decker is screaming “EDDIE TAUBENSEE IS A DEAD MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Kiwi goes for a crossbody but DBSM ducks then covers while holding the trunks but that only gets two. DBSM gets a bit irritated as Harvey Grant walks off as Mark Linn-Baker and the guy who played Waldo are yelling about the 1992 ABC Christmas party. As this happens, Kiwi gets up and catches DBSM in a small package for the win!!!!!!!!!!!! DBSM is pissed as he sees Steve Decker smashing the novelty gavel repeatedly as he tells us all he sentenced Todd Pratt to a life-sentence in the Gulf Coast League. After the match ends, a giant Anchor Cheese banner drops from the ceiling as the dancing kiwifruit trees holding American Flags come out ringside. 
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY




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