Rants

BoD RAW

By Scott Keith on May 12, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Backstage, we see Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, and Brian Bayless setting up the meting room. They await GM Bobby Bayless and the announcement of whether or not the BoD will have writers help craft the show. Lets see what they have to say:

Gary: So, you guys think we will have writers or what?
Brian: (clearly bothered to be partaking in a menial task) God-Damn fucking folding chairs!!! (slams it to the ground) We dont need writers for this. (Looks at Joe, who is swigging from a flask) Do you drink all day long?
Joe: Not when I run out. That’s when I know its time for bed
Brian: (Somewhat disgusted) These chairs wont unfold themselves you know. 
Gary: What’s that sound?


(We hear a car pull up with “Baby, You a Rich Man” from the Fat Boys blaring. Out pops GM Bobby Bayless, wearing a beanie with a propeller while sipping on a Slurpee)

GM: (Looks over everyone) HA HA HA (sips Slurpee). I have to go to a meeting but first I am going to watch “Disorderles” (hums “Baby, You a Rich Man” by the Fat Boys while walking away)

Brian: (Angrily setting up chairs) My cousin Bobby is going to ruin this while I set up a room for a FUCKING MEETING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Brian shuffle side kicks three chairs before leaving as Gary looks worried while Joe pulls out another flask)






Backstage, Tad the Organic Vegetable guy nervously sets up his cart. As he finishes the task, he is met with a backhand. The camera shows a laughing Hoss who then hits him with a Pants Shitter then a chokeslam through the cart. Hoss then stomps the evil healthfood into the ground, stops, then yells “HOSS APPROVED!!!!!” Hoss then pulls out the Money on the Table Briefcase and yells “VINSON, THIS WILL BE YOU OR WHOEVER ELSE IS THE CHAMPION. HOSS WANTS WHAT HE WANTS AND HE WANTS THE BELT” Hoss then steps on Tad as he walks away.






Redstorm11 vs. Koko B. Flair

Look at this folks: we are giving two new youngsters a chance to make their name in the BoD. The two lockup to start. Redstorm gets the advantage but Koko takes him over with a fireman’s carry. The two are battling on the mat but out from the back come Jobber and the Job Mob!!!! They look as fipissed off as they are hungover. They beat the shit out of both guys as not even the Golden State Warriors clinching Game 1 of the Western Conference Semifinals could make them happy as they no longer have the gold. Jobber grabs the mic:

“Parallax, all I ever did to you was be your friend. I all but handed you everything you never could have needed but it was not good enough. Then, you decide to fuck me over at BoD Mania II and BoD Extreme Rules. And for what? You see, I am a nice man but that is going out the window. Parallax, I am making this as clear as I can: I am coming for you. And when the Golden State Warriors are playing, I will be there as I did clear up my ticket situation thanks to Soup Bone, who is unfortunately detained tonight. But when they are off, Parallax, I am hitting up every PTO meeting and farmer’s market looking for you in your habitat. 


(Murph grabs the mic)


“Curry, I am going to kick your poor white-trash ass back to Buffalo. Your mine!!!!!!!


The Job Mob leave with their song “I’m In Love with the Coco” blaring across the arena.

Backstage, Burt Macklin gets off the phone with his pal, Marv Cresto, who is too busy touring baseball stadiums to take part of the show. Macklin puts his hands together, which reveals the words “NO FEAR.”


Let’s go to…..Wall Street? The stock exchanges are closed for the day, but standing outside in the street is The Riverdale Covenant:


Archie: Every day, lives are lost around the world. But this place is special, isn’t it, Robert Davis?
Davis: That’s right, it is. This isn’t just where lives end, is it? (He turns towards the camera, brandishing Jughead, looking quite insane) This is where hope goes to die for so many, isn’t it?
Archie:  You are correct, Robert Davis. This is the place where hope is crushed for so many who will never be able to see or afford the paradise that we are privy to in Riverdale. The spirit of cooperation that we are afforded in Riverdale, the spirit of brotherhood in our Covenant, it is lost amongst those who would stab their nearest brother in the back for the matter of a dollar. This is where hope is ostensibly for sale, by the charlatans who would yank it back once their fish bites. And once that fish is caught, it’s only a matter of time before they are….gutted. Filleted. Consumed.”
Davis: Biff Kensington, you may not realize yet that the Covenant has not targeted you randomly. We are united by common cause, and that cause is to bring paradise to the BOD; to cast out those who would try to use their unjustly gained power to rule those who deserve their freedom. We are the Riverdale Covenant, and we use violence; against those who would use violence. And there is no greater violence than the man who BUYS OTHERS with which to do his dirty work! Biff, you will kneel before this Covenant, and –
Archie: Robert Davis, most trusted lieutenant, you must stop before you hurt something! (He turns and eyes the front door of the nearest bank.) Actually, why not? Go ahead, Robert Davis – lead the Covenant into mayhem! (Davis smiles widely, and SMASHES the glass front door of the First National Bank. Alarms sound as Archie turns towards the camera, grinning.) Biff Kensington, Archie Stackhouse and the Riverdale Covenant are coming for you. And all your money that you have used for years to shield yourself will mean nothing when I whisper the sweetest words in your ear….(Archie turns to join in the destruction of the bank, but turns back with a wink.)…..Welcome to Hell. Welcome…..to Riverdale.





Kbjone hits the ring, mic in hand. 
“At Extreme Rules, I did a bad thing. I interfered in my former partner John Petuka’s match, and after it was all over, I didn’t feel good about it. (Footage of kbjone hitting the piledriver on the floor airs on the BOD Tron.) Me and John used to be one of the most formidable teams in BOD history, and I don’t think I can just forget those memories. So right now, Petuka, I’m calling you out to the ring so we can make peace. Come on out, John! Let’s bury the hatchet!”
Music hits, but that’s not Petuka’s music…..that’s the ‘Devil’s Right Hand’ by Johnny Cash, and limping to the ring, using his bat as a makeshift cane, is Bill Ray! He gets into the ring and gets the mic from kbjone. 
“Listen, I don’t really care what your deal with Petuka is. I’m here to get my hands on that cheap bastard for sneak attacking me like the coward we all knew he was. Petuka, you knew that you couldn’t beat me in a fair fight, so you had to hit me from behind – well, guess what? I’ve got eyes in the back of my head now, and you better get ready, because I’m going to get my revenge. Get out here and take your beating like a man!”
All of a sudden the BOD Tron flickers to life, and here’s John Petuka! 
“All right, calm down ladies. First off, Bill Ray – I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to. If you’re too stupid to not think that I’m going to do anything to get some gold around this very handsome waist again, you deserved what you got. As for you, kbjone, you were barely worth my time when we were a tag team, so I don’t think I’d care about burying any hatchets with you even if I thought you were sincere, unless it’s in your back. I’m going to the GM and I’m getting a rematch with captain fruit or whatever, because I deserve it. As for you two – I’ll break it to you gently. Your brush with Petuka is over!” 
Petuka stalks off camera as Bill Ray and kbjone stare at the tron. 
Backstage, fellow BoD’ers are waiting to get their copies of Nick Piers newest book signed. However, Extant1979 is asking the fans for their books. He takes the copies and say there is an editing error then proceeds to rip up the books and toss them in the air. Biff Kensington then gives the kids e-book dollars to purchase new Tommy Hall books. 
We’re backstage with Justice Gray spotting Rockstar Gary lifting weights.

Justice: “Pump it up, man, pump it up!”
Rockstar: (Puts the weights up) “After training with Baker, can we pick a different phrase, man? That one’s kind of ruined for me.”
Justice: “Sure, I get that. (He grabs a couple bottles of water from a nearby cooler, then thinks better of it and grabs a couple of Coors lights instead.) Perfect after workout beer, huh?”
Rockstar: “Whatever. It’s piss, but it’s alcohol.” (He takes a big swig.) “Hey, with your new job for the GM, do you know who we’re facing in 2 weeks?”
Justice: “Nope. He just says we’ll be happy. He says that a lot.”
Rockstar: “I sure hope that Baker knows what he’s doing. I never even HEARD of a stump puller before last week, and I’m not even sure that’s the way you put that move on someone.”
Justice: “I had a question for him, actually. (He turns to a passing Mar Solo) Hey, have you seen Baker today?” Mar Solo begins to speak, but Justice interrupts him. “No, wait, let me guess. He’s writing something, or filming something, or acting out something, or just in general is obsessing over some sort of rape fantasy involving either Brock Lesnar or Stephanie McMahon or HHH, right? Probably choking himself while doing it, all of it violent and forcefully imagined violations, right?”
Mar Solo: “He’s in catering, eating a sandwich.”
Justice: “Really?”
Mar Solo: “Yeah.”
Justice: “I’ll go get him.” 
Justice gets up and leaves the room. Gary chugs the rest of his beer, shrugs, and grabs Justice’s beer. Mar Solo turns to leave, but Gary stops him.
Rockstar: “Hey, is that really true? He’s just eating a sandwich?”
Mar Solo: “Yeah, just eating a sandwich. I mean, he’s been talking to it for the last hour and half while nibbling at it, calling it Lesnar and saying that he’s going to return it to it’s natural form when he digests it and shits it out, and as he’s not wearing any pants, I think he’s been slowly using it to jerk himself off in between bites, but other than that, yeah. Just eating a sandwich.”
Rockstar: “Oh.” He finishes the beer. Off-screen, we hear Justice Gray yelling loudly.
Justice: “Sweet merciful CHRIST, what are you doing? That better be mayo, Baker!!”







BoD Solid B+ Player Title
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer 09

Hart Killer starts to rip up the Anchor Cheese pamphlets featuring Kaptain Kiwi and starts throwing them at the Garea Brothers as Johnny nearly gets out of his wheelchair while Tony gives him the Garea staredown. Kiwi alsoart has the Garea staredown look on his face as you can tell his training has worked to perfection. Hart Killer is screaming about being the greatest BoD Solid B+ Player of all-time as the match is finally underway. Hart Killer charges but Kiwi dodges that and comes back with a hip toss. Kiwi then hits a crossbody that gets two as the place goes wild. Hart Killer is irate as he charges again but gets caught with a big back drop!!!!!!! Oh my!!!!!! Hart Killer slides outside and starts kicking the rest of the Anchor Cheese advertisements then turns around and sees Tony Garea with a deadly stare on his face!!! Hart Killer backs away but in the process runs into Kiwi, who tosses him back in the ring. Hart Killer gets whipped into the roeps and Kiwi catches him in the GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But Hart Killer escapes that and ducks underneath the ropes for a breather. Kiwi comes over but Hart Killer is able to use the referee as a shield then catches Kiwi with an eye rake. Hart Killer rams Kiwi into the corner and now goes to work on the arm, the same arm that was injured just over one month ago. Hart Killer drapes the arm over the ropes and starts kicking it as hard as he can while screaming that he is a 10/10 when it comes to injuring arms. The Garea Brothers look worried, maybe, as they always feature the same facial expression. Hart Killer continues to beat on the arm of Kiwi as he now chokes him out with his foot as he refers to the crowd as “Western Canadian Trash” despite being in Ohio. Hart Killer is now laughing as he points at Kiwi then the Garea Brothers and screams “zero out of ten” as he laughs psychotically, proclaiming himself as the best BoD Soild B+ Player of all-time. Hart Killer then goes outside and grabs a chair then tosses it at the Garea Brothers!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, you dont get away with that one!! Tony and Johnny remain calm, I guess, as their facial expressions remain the same. Hart Killer grabs the arm of Kiwi then perches himself up top as it appears he is attempting a tornado arm breaker. Hart Killer tries the move but Kiwi blocks it as both men are down. The crowd gets behind Kiwi as he gets up first. Hart Killer tries a low blow but Kiwi grabs his arm and shoves it away. Kiwi now picks up Hart Killer and hits a jumping side headlock takeover as its the…………….FIVE MOVES OF SNOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he follows with a back drop, hip toss, punch to the gut, and then a crossbody as that only gets two!!!!!! Hart Killer gets whipped into the ropes but is able to slide right outside. Kiwi tries to pull him back in but gets poked in the eye as Hart Killer grabs a can of Anchor Cheese and looks at Johnny, screaming “With a tear in my eye, everyone in New Zealand told me this was the shittiest processed canned cheddar cheese of all-time,” then whips it at Johnny but Tony caught it!!!!!! Hart Killer jumps up on the apron and goes back inside but Kiwi catches him with a right. Hart Killer charges at Kiwi but gets caught in the Garea Stretch!!!!!! Hart Killer is about to escape again but Kiwi turns it into a cradle and gets the pin!!!!!!!! Kiwi retains!!!!!!!! A dozen or so Kiwifruit tree dancers come out to the ring to celebrate, as does the horse of Sir Tony. Hart Killer is irate when he gets up but Kiwi tosses him outside. Hart Killer then looks up and sees the horse, who then boots him in the face!!!!!!!!!! The camera cuts to GM Bobby Bayless’ office, who is cackling like a moron because a horse kicked someone. 

Backstage, DBSM is hanging out with his C-List posse. Lets see what they are talking about: 

DBSM: Alright, guys. Biscuit has been offered a rematch tonight. No sweat though, I beat him before and I will beat him again. 
Mark Linn-Baker: Try to make it quick, there is a skee ball tournament at the local Dave and Busters. We have to enter by 10pm tonight
DBSM: I’ll try to make it quick but Biscuit drives a 1986 Buick Regal to the show. That thing probably broke down more times today than Harvey does at the free throw line (everyone laughs)
Harvey: (upset) Real funny. (Looks over to the guy who played Waldo on “Family Matters”) What are you laughing at, the Regal probably broke down less than you did the day you got the lines for your show. (starts laughing to himself) I bet you dreamed you were Urkel.
Guy Who Played Waldo: Shut up man! Why dont you call your brother up and see if I can get an autograph from a real NBA Champion. 
Harvey: (angry) Screw you, man
Steve Decker: Keep it up and I will suspend you both!!!!!!!
Harvey & Guy Who Played Waldo: Hey, you’re our fantasy baseball league GM. You have no authority here. 
Michael Winslow: (makes overdramatic fighting sound effects)
Steve Decker: Listen pal, I’m Steve Decker. I knocked out Damon Berryhill last week at an undeground fight club and will do the same to the both of you. 
Jamiroquai: C’mon guys. This is virtual insanity (laughs to himself, prentending that he is clever)
DBSM: (tries to maintain order as everyone is bickering)

Is this the end of the C-List Posse?

In his office, GM Bobby Bayless is sipping on some YooHoo while watching VHS clips of old “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” once again cackling like a moron. His cousin Brian comes into his office: 

Brian: Bobby!
Bobby: (turns around while sipping his YooHoo) Why, come on in, CUZ!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: (forced fake laughter) Okay, Bobby. So, what happened at the meeting today? Are you bringing writers to the BoD?
Bobby: Well, we have to figure that out. 
Brian: Bobby, listen, we dont need writers here, okay. Our guys have passion and can fend for themselves. 
Bobby: (confused) But if not for writers, who would have let everyone GIT FUN-KAY!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: I don’t know, Bobby. All I have to say is GITTIN’ FUN-KAY seems like a way of life, not a story written by a writer. 
Bobby: Have you ever read the works of Mark Feldberg and Mitchell Klebanoff?
Brian: (puzzled) Who the fuck are those two?
Bobby:(First angry, then laughs a bit) Those two pal are going to be your new head writers of BoD RAW!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!! (Now starts rapping “Baby, You a Rich Man.”)
Brian: (Pissed off, shaking his head but turns back around just before leaving the room) 






BoD Tag Team Title Match





Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington (Champions) vs. Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112

The HUSS section is once again in full force tonight. The DDH is in there with Williams and takes advantage of him by……………………GITTIN’ FUN-KAY. Oh my!!!!!! The Berzerker is once again infatuated with the HUSS section and attempts to go into the stands to be with his people but Biff Kensington guides him back on the apron as he HUSSES. The HUSS chant rains through the arena as the DDH and FunkDoc take control of the match. Biff hooks the leg of FunkDoc as Williams makes the tag. The Berzerker HUSSES and HUSSES then hits a running big boot. The tag champs are in control right now as DDH tries to rally the crowd behind his partner. They set up FunkDoc for a Doomsday Device but he counters that with a hurricarana. Williams comes off the top with a double sledgehammer but gets met with a dropkick as all three men in the ring are down. FunkDoccrawls over to his partner as BKIII jumps up on the apron. FunkDoc is almost there but from underneath the ring crawls out Night as he yanks DDH off of the apron. X-Man comes from the back with a chair and smashes him over the head as he is out cold. X-Man hits FunkDoc with a chair too. BKIII jumps down as the champs have FunkDoc in the HUSS Lock and that is enough for the win. The camera shows Night and X Man laugh as they then reach underneath the ring again, this time to pull out buckets of fried chicken. They take off the lid and proceed to throw pieces at the two, yelling at them to “GIT’ STEPPIN.” This is uncalled for. The crowd boos as both Night & X-Man raise their arms in victory.

Backstage, Brian looks on the computer to see who these people are that his cousin Bobby is talking about but gets interrupted by two guys.

Brian: Can I help you?
Guy #1: Hi, I am David Garrett. (Points at other guy) And this is Jason Ward. 
Jason: Hi, I am Jason Ward. We are both looking for Bobby. 
Brian: And who exactly are you two?
David: We were hired by your brother to write for this show
Brian: (Trying to stay calm) And what have you two written before?
(Bobby interrupts while wearing his Umbro’s and a pair of flippers)
Bobby: Hiya, pals!!!!! Lets go to the meeting, HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(They take off as GM Bayless is upset). 






BoD C-List Title Match
Biscuit vs. DBSM w C-List Posse


The Midwestern Mauler reached 299,993 on the Regal today. Will he leave the arena with the milestone in hand and the C-List title? Steve Decker is in the stands with a bat, yelling about keeping order. Match starts with DBSM stalling until catching Biscuit with a low blow. DBSM takes control until Biscuit slugs away. He hits a backdrop then a high knee as DBSM is on the mat. Biscuit is fired up as he hits a flying clothesline for a nearfall. Biscuit tries a corner charge but DBSM rolls away. He regroups then fires away. DBSM chokes out Biscuit as the C-List posse is finally settling down, with the exception of a psychotic Steve Decker, who occasionally blurts out “Kurt Manwaring ain’t got shit on me.” DBSM applies a surfboard that has the Robbinsdale Renegade hurting. DBSM breaks and hits a backbreaker that gets two. DBSM hits an Emerald Frosion but that only gets two. DBSM gets frustrated as Biscuit will not accept defeat. DBSM sets up Biscuit for a superplex but in the process sees Steve Decker being settled down by the rest of the posse as he continues to shout expletives towards a non-present Manwaring. As that happens, Biscuit blocks the superplex. Both men are fighting on the top as Biscuit turns it into a sunset powerbomb!!!!!!!! The crowd erupts as both men are down. DBSM is up first as Biscuit is shortly after that. Biscuit blocks a punch and fires away. Biscuit whips DBSM against the ropes then hits a backdrop. Biscuit gets two off of a leg drop. He then hits a gutbuster and signals for the dreaded Stump Puller!!!!!!!!!!! Biscuit sets up a move but all of a sudden we hear a car horn. Biscuit looks up and on the BoD Jumbotron 100 and sees Camp Cleveland, on the shore of Lake Cuyahoga!!! The camera pans away as the trio moves, revealing Biscuit’s Regal. THOSE BASTARDS STOLE THE REGAL!!!!!!!!! Mikey grabs the stick:

“Well, Biscuit. (WWF1987 sets the lake on fire) tonight at the arena, you parked in our spot. So, as the nice guys that we are, we decided to take it to the local mechanic, and he said the car was not worth saving. And you might be asking yourself why that is the case? Well (camera shows the back of the car, which is severely damaged) we knew you were busy with that title match so we decided to get rid of the problem for you. (White Thunder pops the car in neutral and pushes it into the fiery lake)”


Biscuit is seething and runs out of the ring as DBSM eventually wins by countout. Steve Decker yells “HOME RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS” for no apparent reason. Biscuit is shown running through catering until he sees a golf cart. He jumps in and drives it away, trying to get Camp Cleveland.

Backstage, we see Brian Bayless looking up the names of these writers online. He puts them in Google then we see him puts his hands over his face as it revealed that his cousin, Bobby, has hired the writers behind the following films:







In the ring, “Marvelous” Matt Perri has the mic. 

“I am the real writer’s champion of  the BoD. Tommy Hall, I am calling you out!.”  Its time for me  to make a statement!” 
He throws down the mic and…..OH MY GOD, it’s Cultstatus! 
“Marvelous” Matt Perri vs. Cultstatus
The #1 contender to the BOD World Title hits the ring and Perri attacks! Forearms to the back, and he sets up Cult for the Irish whip, Cult off the ropes and he BOWLS right through him with a shoulderblock! White Thunder almost got knocked out of the ring! He gets back up and Cult hits him with a beautiful superkick! Spinning sitout powerbomb gets the easy 1,2,3. Cult gets the stick. 
“Vinson, I’m ready whenever you are. Why not do it right here, right now?”
And on the stage, it’s YOUR BOD World Champion, Jef Vinson, with a mic of his own. 
“Cult, my man, first off – congrats on a great win the other night. I was rooting for you all along, my friend! That’s why I had to make it hard on you, I’m sure understand; I had to make sure you were ready to give me your best match! Now, I know that Abeyance isn’t here this week, so I’m sure you have things you want to beat up, but we’re going to do this right, so you just have your people call my people, alright? We’ll get this match set up good and proper, and make sure we get a good payday out of it, okay? Oh, and Cult?” (Vinson takes off his sunglasses and hands them to his valet, and points up at the tron, which cues up his amazing dive off the top of jobber’s shoulders to get the win) “Cult, you can say what you want. But I’m JEF VINSON; overcoming the odds is what I DO. Don’t think you’re ever getting this belt back, Cult – I don’t plan to ever lose it!” 

Vinson and his valet exit to the back, and Cult smiles in the ring. 


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Comments are disable in preview.