BoD RAW

By Scott Keith on April 14, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Live from the United Kingdom

Before the show, the former GM, Brian Bayless, waited for the administration that his cousin Bobby, the new GM will have under his wing. Bayless greets his former workers:

Bayless: (To Justice Gray, Average Joe Everyman, and Rockstar Gary) Hey, we need to meet.
Gray: Sorry, but I am under strict orders to report to the new GM.
Bayless: Yeah, my cousin Bobby, the big sports entertainment fan, got brought in by the Big Man From Saskatoon as he feels revenue and the product are down. So my cousin, who became a millionaire and should be a billionaire, took my damn job.
Gray: Well, I have to go. Sorry man, its my job.
Bayless: I guess it is what it is (looks over at Rockstar Gary). What is that in your hand?
Rockstar: The new GM wanted to watch a movie, he requested “Grown Ups 2.” He said the first film is his favorite.
Bayless: (sarcastically) Yeah, that would be his favorite. (Looks at Joe, who is swigging from a flask) Is there anything you do besides drinking?
Joe: (Drinks the rest of the cask) Yeah, go get more to drink when I’m finished. (Joe then walks away and leaves as Bayless is by himself, realizing he has zero control of the BoD.

And now it’s time for………………………………….BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Drivers are WALKING~! And looking angry! They head out to the ring and are about to speak but Cultstatus has SPRINTED to the ring! Rights and lefts are flying, and there’s a clothesline to Juvy! Powerbomb to Spicolli! Cult rules the ring, and now he’s got the mic:

“Last week, that pussy Abeyance ran from me, but he better get his ass out here right now, because no one is taking this ring back from me until I give that punk the beating of his life!” (Cult tosses the mic down and stalks the ring back and forth, eyes on the entrance way)

And here’s Abeyance! He enters to….”Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve. What a tool. Anyways, Abeyance has his own mic:

“Cult, Cult, Cult. We’ve been over this ground before. Why would I have reason to fight you anymore? You lost. I won. You can debate how it happened if you want, but the facts are the facts. Besides, I have more important things to do right now, especially considering how many of my great fans are here….” (Crowds boos heavily)….to see me compete at the highest level, and that means the BOD World heavyweight championship! You, Cult, you’re….well, you’re just not on my level anymore, you know?”

And here’s Justice Gray, trailed by former GM Bayless as he speaks

“Hey, guys, I have a message from the new GM; he says you all are dragging down his show and we need to solve this. So, he’s gonna put you in a match at Extreme Rules.”

Abeyance: “Justice, Justice, I know you’re just doing your job, but I’m not wrestling for anything less than the BOD World Championship, man. A wrestler of my stature deserves it, especially after soundly defeating the FORMER World Champion! So run on back and tell him that, okay?”

Gray: “Well, you can take that up with him if you want, but I’ve been told to inform you that this match will be to determine the number one contender for the BOD World title.” Abeyance: “Well, I suppose that there’s really no harm in me beating you again, Cult, is there? (chuckles, turns to Gray) What match am I gonna kick his ass in this time?”

Gray: “Um, well….it’s the first ever 3 STAGES OF BOD match!” (Both wrestlers look confused.)

Abeyance: “What the hell is that?”

Gray: (Reading from a piece of paper handed to him by a silent, sullen former GM Bayless) “The 3 Stages of BOD Match will have the following, all to be contested under no disqualification rules: the first fall will be the Dock Muraco 4 and 1/4 star match; there can only be a winner after Dock Muraco agrees that the match has reached 4 1/4 stars. The second fall conducted under Perri’s Put-Down Conditions, where the wrestlers will wrestle while Matthew Perri has a mic and continuously tells you how much both you and the match suck as loudly as possible. And, if a third fall is necessary, the Cell will drop from above the ring for the first ever Tommy Hall E-Book in a Cell match, where hard copies of all of Tommy Hall’s e-books will be available to use as weapons.”

Abeyance: That’s outrageous!

Gray: Well, there’s one other thing. It says if there’s a third fall, a guest referee will take over…..Jef Vinson!!”(Abeyance breaks out in a wide smile as the World Heavyweight Champion joins us onstage, with two of the finest British hoes on each arm. Let’s hear from the World Champion as he puts his arm around Abeyance!)

Vinson: Cult, I want you to know that just because there’s been some bad blood between us, I plan to call this match straight down the middle, okay playboy? Now then, myself and Abeyance are going to grab a couple of vitamin waters and talk about what happens after he becomes the #1 contender and we have the 5-star classic we’re destined to have. Come on, baby!” (Abeyance, Vinson, and the ladies turn to leave…..)

Cultstatus: Wait. (They turn around and look expectantly) I don’t think you know what you’ve gotten yourself into, Vinson. I’m going to break that man into tiny pieces and maul whatever is left. I am going to make sure that his next year’s worth of meals are only taken through straws. And, if you decide to stop me from doing that, your ability to walk upright is going to be gone faster than that title around your waist. (Both Vinson and Abeyance smile as Cult throws down the mic)

Dean Andrews & TimeandtheRani vs. Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112

The hometown guys get a round of applause but that doesn’t matter as we are GITTIN’ FUN-KAY across the pond! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!! DDH starts off the match with Andrews and get the best of him before doing a jig!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!! FunkDoc tags in and he works over the arm of Andrews, who tags his partner. TATR kicks FunkDoc low and takes control of the match as the crowd is not GITTIN’ FUN-KAY. The hometown guys beat on FunkDoc until they have some miscommunication then its a hot tag to DDH as things are GITTIN’ FUN-KAY up in the United Kingdom! The DDH cleans house until he falls victim to the numbers game. TATR holds up DDH for Dean but that fails as TATR falls outside. DDH then catches a charging Andrews with a powerslam and tags FunkDoc, who heads up top and hits the top rope leg drop for the win! They start to GIT DOWN until Night & X-Man head down to the ring. Night grabs the mic:

“You two cant even contain your minstrel act stateside. And you (points at FunkDoc) are nothing more than a low-level ripoff imposter. In fact, you are not even the true “Funk Doctor” of the BoD. When we return to the states next week, you two can eat all the watermelon and fried chicken that you want then come to the show and dance ignorantly and act like you dumb-ass selves because Funk Doc, you are going to be facing the real Doctor of Funk……………………………………….DOCTOR FUNKOPOLIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Doctor from the mythical city of Funkopolis comes out and attempts to GIT FUN-KAY but the crowd does not like him. DDH and FunkDoc look on and challenge all three of the men to get into the ring but they laugh and walk off, with Doctor Funkopolis dancing his way through the curtain.

Kensington Enterprises made its way to the United Kingdom last week. Lets see how they fared at Buckingham Palace:

Biff Kensington, CEO of Kensington Enterprises, takes along Hoss, Curtzerker, and its newest member, Steve Ferrari to visit Buckingham Palace. Lets see how they fared.

BKIII: (Looks into the camera)2015 is the year of Kensington Enterprises. (Points at Curtzerker) I have the Tag Team Champions, (Points at Hoss) I have the future World Heavyweight Champion, (Points at Ferrari) and I have the single most underutilized talent in the BoD. And trust me when I say that Cocaine Rain will in fact, reign supreme across the BoD.

(The gang now go up to the guards at Buckingham Palace)

The Berzerker: (Looks confused and goes right up to the guard’s face) HUSS!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!! HUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The guard can no longer take it and starts trembling in fear.
BKIII: Alright Berzerker, Hoss has waited four full minutes without ice cream so let’s go.
Hoss: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THESE FUCKING NOISES, I WANT ICE CREAM. (Hoss then proceeds to hit a guard with a Pants-Shitter. BKIII then orders everyone else to run away as to not get in trouble with the law)

(Kensington Enteprises sits down at an outdoor cafe)

Hoss: I WANT ICE CREAM WITH HOT FUDGE AND WHIPPED CREAM AND PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
Waiter: Sir, we do not have ice cream but we do have gelato
Hoss: (Steam comes out from his ears) What…… did……… you………….. say?
Waiter: We have gel……….(Hoss slaps the waiter down)
Hoss: I HEARD YOU AND I DO NOT EAT FAKE ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIMME THE REAL THING YOU LIMEY FUCK (Hoss picks up the waiter and chokeslams him through the gelato case)
Ferrari: (casually flips through the newspaper) Who edits this shit? (He then tosses the paper across the street as it ends up sticking to the face of a cyclist that crashes into a post. Kensington Enterprises laughs. Williams goes over to help up the cyclist but instead pushes him at The Berzerker, who HUSSES at the man so loudly he shits himself. Williams then picks up the bike and ghost rides it across the street as it nearly causes a car accident. Kensington Enterprises laughs some more as Hoss is destroying the “fake ice cream” while Ferrari yells at the newsstand attendant that his papers need to be edited by a pro and not some shit-farmer from Pittsfield.
BKIII: (Looks into the camera) And let that be a lesson: No one fucks with Kensington Enterprises. Not this awful country or a pack of weirdos from Riverdale. Kensington Enterprises will reign supreme!!!!!!!!!!!

Backstage, Bayless approaches the new GM’s office. He hears howling laughter from down the hallway. Lets see what happens here:

(GM Bobby Bayless is belly-laughing at the TV. The scene from “Grown Ups” where Kevin James’s character tells his daughter that chemicals in the pool that makes you urine turn blue is an “old wives tale” then after they all pee, the water turns blue around them as the other patrons flee the area, with Bobby Bayless laughing it up like an idiot.)

Brian: (Sees his cousin laugh at this awful film) Hello, Bobby. I understand you made me an assistant to the assistant GM.
GM: (Looks around and smiles) Hey pal!!!! (The GM digs into his Salisbury Steak Hungry Man Dinner) I hate vegetables, they are for fags and cruiserweights, HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brian: (Trying his best to not look embarrassed) That’s great, Bobby. But I have to ask you something. You know, I was the most successful GM in BoD History. No one can do what I do in the BoD. I took it to new heights until that god damned Archie Stackhouse and his Riverdale Covenant took it upon themselves to fuck me over. Sorry, back to the topic at hand, why did you give me such a low job title?
GM: (Looks upset) Well, I thought you would love to work for your cousin. And the “Big Man From Saskatoon” wanted you gone for good and he said this is the only job title he will give me.
Brian: (angry) Yeah, well what I am supposed to do for this job then.?
GM: (Hands Brian a list) We are going to implement some changes here. And I need you to help me enforce them.
Brian: Fine. (Looks over the list and rolls his eyes before putting his other hand over his face. As this happens, the GM is laughing hysterically over a moose taking a leak on Adam Sandler)

John Petuka hits the ring to loudly scattered boos. He then grabs the mic:

“Come on, come on. I had to cut Kbjone loose, but it doesn’t have to be personal! Shawn had to lose Marty, you know. And I had to lose my Marty! If you don’t like it, too bad. The Upper Midcard Express had their time, but I can only carry a man for so long. It’s time for John Petuka to strike out on his own and become the Solid B+ Player Champion. So bring on my opponent!”

“Heart of Rock and Roll” hits the speakers, and Camp Cleveland makes their way to the ring. It appears they’re STILL arguing over who will represent them in this match. Petuka waits in the corner while they decide to play Rock, Paper, Scissors to settle this thing. 1,2, they all throw rock. 1,2, they all throw paper. 1,2, they all throw scissors. This could take awhile, let’s go to a commercial.

We’re back and they appear to all be standing on one foot, and Petuka is getting annoyed. Finally, after another minute of standing around, it looks like White Thunder is the winner and will represent Camp Cleveland!

BOD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender tournament match:

John Petuka vs ????

He takes a couple of fist bumps from the rest of the team and the bell rings. All of a sudden, a 1986 Buick Regal with custom rust comes out to the aisle and it’s Biscuit!!!! Camp Cleveland is irate. The bell rings and White Thunder turns around and WALKS INTO THE PETUKA BAZOOKA! 1,2,3 – Petuka moves on in record time! I’d say that Cleveland has lost in record time, but I’m not sure that’s true, as Cleveland has lost so much. Biscuit then backs the Regal up but it stalls out. And there is smoke pouring out from the hood. LETS GO TO BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Backstage, “Happening” Harry Broadhurst has something to say:

“Harry fact #86, One Direction will fail without Zayn but more important of all is the Harry Fact #1 and that is……………….HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And at BoD Extreme Rules, I will issue an open challenge to anyone and they can prove to all of you that these shoulders (points at his own) never get pinned to the mat!!!!!!!”

After partying this weekend in Amsterdam and having to leave earlier due to an incident at a hash bar, the Job Mob returned to the states and had this message to say:

(The Job Mob has made their way to St. Louis, Missouri, outside the White Castle in Kirkwood. Zanatude has just finished a delicious White Castle; boxes are scattered at his feet.)

Zanatude: Here we are, the 11th White Castle of our pilgrimage on the road to the White Castle of Fear. (Looks around) Where’s Murph at, Chatrock?

Chatrock: Scoring some rock. It is a White Castle parking lot, after all. Between the rock and the hookers, I’m thinking this place’ll end up my fave fast food place ever. (He takes a swig from his can of Tecate.) We out of weed?

Zanatude: (Hitting the bong) Uh…..yeah. Anyway, next week we reach the White Castle of Fear, and that’s where Curry, Cabs, and Warne will meet their….um….whatever, man. Did Murph score that rock yet?

Chatrock: Nah, looks like he’s just got some White Castles instead.

Zanatude: Fuck.

Murph: (Joins them) Sorry, they wanted way too much. I think he thought I was a crack whore or something. I mean, I won’t say I’ve NEVER had sex for drugs before, but, you know how it is, amiright? (He eyes his White Castle) Hey, ‘Tude, think we could, you know, smoke one of these things?

Zanatude thinks it over for a second. Wait. Um, yeah. So, next week, the White Castle of fear. Until then, on to Chicago! (He turns to Murp). Take this Sudafed and jam one of the those burgers in the bottom and we’ll figure something out.

And now its time for “Wade Speak” with host Wade Michael Meltzer and his guest, Jobber.

Wade: Welcome to Wade’s speak. Lets get to it as I have to write about another shitty UFC show. So Jobber, why did you ask for this interview?

Jobber: (Puffs a blunt, passes to Meltzer, who declines) I have a lot to get off of my chest.

Wade: I bet. After your loss at BoD Mania II (Jobber Cuts him off)

Jobber: Well Wade, I respect you. And I owe it to you and the rest of the BoD to tell the truth.

Wade: What is that?

Jobber: Jef Vinson as the champion is nothing but a farce. Wade, he is as much a champion as anyone else I have run through while holding the strap.

Wade: Speaking of that, you never let Parallax challenge for the strap. Why is that?

Jobber: (caught off guard) Wade, as far as he is concerned, I do not spend time around uptight people like himself. I welcomed him with open arms and for what, so he can ruin my plans?

Wade: Was he really ruining his plans or just standing up for himself?

Jobber: Wade, I like you, even if you gave Orton/Reigns **** stars at SummerSlam. But lets stay on topic here. The reason for my interview is to tell everyone that Jef Vinson should not be the BoD Heavweight Champion. The fact that he is the champ is something that I will expose as a fraud next week on BoD RAW. Soup Bone forgot to get me the tape I asked for since he got busted for trying to smuggle hash out of Amsterdam.

Wade: So next week you will show us why Vinson is a fraud?

Jobber: Yes I will.

Wade: Last question: Will Tanahashi get healthy enough to make a big run in the net G1 Tournament?

Jobber: How the hell would I know?

Wade: Guess you are more of a Shibata guy then, (smarmy laugh)

Jobber: I am more of a guy who has just used his rematch clause to face Vinson at BoD Extreme Rules and after I expose him next week then beat him to regain my title, he will be doing opening matches for the rest of his life!

Next week on BoD RAW, we will have another edition of “Wade Speak” with guest Jef Vinson. Also, “The Pride of Canada” debate between Primetime Ten and Mister E Mahn, moderated by a special guest cast member from the origianl cast of “Degrassi.”

Backstage, the C-List Posse confront a sad DBSM

Harvey Grant: Hey man, don’t let the fact that you blew the BoD Fantasy Hockey League Championship get you down.

Jamiroquai: Yeah man, its cool.

DBSM: I know guys. Its just that I win at everything and losing is foreign to me, much like modern technology to Biscuit

Waldo from Family Matters: Good one, champ

DBSM: (Looks at the belt over his shoulder) You know, I am the champ. And I will always be the champ. And no matter how tries to take it from me, they will lose.

Grant: Hey, you what makes me feel better when I am down? Sneaking into Calbert Cheaney’s backyard and lighting off bottle rockets. He always goes apeshit when that happens

DBSM: Sounds great!!!!!!!!

BOD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender tournament match:

Hart Killer 09 vs The Brazilian Psycho

Lockup to start, and they stalemate. Lockup again, go behind by Hart Killer, reversed by the Psycho, reversed by Hart Killer into a wristlock. Attempted reversal by Psycho is met by HK floating through and turning it into a keylock, and HK forces Psycho down to one knee. This has been all HK so far, as he’s been dominating on the mat. Psycho tries to get back up, but HK has had just about enough of this shit and hiptosses him over. He picks Psycho up, shoots him off, and hits a big clothesline that turns Psycho inside-out! 1,2, no! HK gets him back to the mat and works a chinlock. Psycho is trying to fight out of it, and here comes some elbows to the midsection. HK gets Psycho to his feet and shoots him into the corner. Monkey flip attempted, but Psycho lands on his feet! HK turns around…superkick by Psycho! He’s created SEPARATION! Psycho makes his way to his feet and gets HK up. Suplex! He rolls through and hits another! Standing switch – German suplex! He rolls through and hits another with the bridge! 1,2, no! Wow, HK might be in trouble here. Psycho heads up to the top, looking for the flying elbow….HK rolled out of the way! HK quickly gets to his feet – downward spiral! HK then loads Psycho up and here’s a Sharpshooter as TBP taps!! And HK has advanced!

Backstage, the Fat Otters have words for Marv Cresto and Burt Macklin

Caliber: Burt, with Marv all laid up, guess you have time to cook that pesky bacon after all for you boyfriend. (laughs at his own joke)

Meekin: And you two otters are about to be extinct because healthy or not, you two are facing us in a “Gold’s Gym Brawl” at Extreme Rules. (Caliber goes to bench 400lbs and yells for Meekin to spot him) Then after I hit you both with the Otter Dropper (Caliber tries to scream as his throat his being crushed) I will put on my Ebert Jacket and end you once and for all (Caliber is turning blue as Meekin does a few yoga poses)

The Brazilian Psycho walks by as the Fuj pats him on the back and tells him that he worked hard. TBP appreciates that as the camera zooms in on the Fuj.

Lets head backstage to check in on the former Administration:

(Rockstar Gary is doing pullups in the back when Justice Gray approaches him)

Gary: Where’s Bayless?

Justice: Bathroom.

Gary: So, weren’t we supposed to train today? Also, I’ve been trying to find the whiskey all damn day.

Justice: Whiskey is back to being on the top shelf, now that Bill Ray is doing his own thing. I thought we were training too, at least after we talked to Baker last week. I did what he told us to do.

Gary: Me too. I was walking really weird for a few days.

Justice: Yeah, I…..let’s not talk about that. Anyway, I thought we were meeting him here to work on those chain lockups, right?

Gary: That was my impression, yes.

(Bayless joins them)

Justice: Bayless, have you seen Baker?

Bayless: (sighs) Last time I saw him, he had forgotten that in the UK, that insult that he normally uses for Brock Lesnar means something else, so he’s been getting pelted with cigarettes the whole day; he thinks the whole country wants to give him cancer now and he doesn’t want to leave his hostel. Also, I think he might be raping someone. Why?

Justice: Get him for us.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE LIGHTS GO OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

And here comes the Riverdale Covenant! Led to the ring by Robert Davis, who totes Jughead along with him, after being victorious at BODMania, this is the first time we’ve seen the entire Covenant on Raw in quite some time. Davis has the mic:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my privilege to introduce one of the greatest leaders of our time. The founder and leader of the Riverdale Covenant, Archie Stackhouse!”

The spotlight heads back up to the entranceway, and there he is! STACKHOUSE IS BACK!!!!!!! STACKHOUSE IS BACK!!!!!!!!! Last seen being blown up by Jesse Baker before his return at BODMania II, Archie Stackhouse has returned to BOD Raw. He saunters to the ring with his Letterman’s jacket on, confidently shaking hands with the Covenant individually before giving a big hug to Robert Davis! And now Archie has the stick:

“In my extended absence over the last several weeks, it has become clear to me that the choices for my Covenant have been a series of blessed moments. (Archie sits cross-legged in the middle of the ring.) And the best part of my Covenant is that everyone in the Riverdale Covenant is here by choice. They’ve chosen to be a part of something, something bigger than just themselves. They do it because they know that my path is of righteousness! We seek something bigger for the BOD! Archie Stackhouse will lead you to the promised land, my friends. And the time has come to prove it. The time for reckoning is near for one of you in the BOD. The time has come for a man who has attempted to subvert the honest competition that exists here in the BOD by using his wealth as a substitute for his courage. The time has come for the value of Riverdale to be enforced….by any means necessary.” Archie turns his back to the camera. “The world is not what it could be if the non-believers would simply follow the Riverdale example of how to live. But we will make all of you believers. ALL of you. And we will begin with the most egregious offender of them all –

Biff Kensington, the III.

The Riverdale Covenant is coming for you, Biff. And you can’t run. You can’t hide. Accept it and repent your sins, Biff. Your reckoning is coming. And when you find that you can’t buy salvation from the judgment of Riverdale, you’ll welcome the sweet release of unconsciousness where you’ll most assuredly hear the words in your dreams…..

Welcome to Hell. Welcome…..to Riverdale.”

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