Rants

BoD Mania II

By Scott Keith on March 31, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Lets get this started off with the National Anthem:

Officer Farva 30 Man Memorial Battle Royal: 
Bobby, Mick, Dr. Facts (BoD Japan Champion), “The Catalyst” Chad Bryant, Logan Scisco, David, Jonathan Meisner, Flyin’ Brian Gutan, “Pistol” Pete Labozetta, Rock Lobster, Koko B. Flair, Steve Ferrari, Brian Nielsen, Phrederic, Worst in the World, Andy PG, “Happening” Harry Broadhurst, Dean Andrews, Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Beard Money, The Brazilian Psycho, White Goodman, Jose Gomez, Tommy Hall, TimeandtheRani, Nebb28, Garth Holmberg, Dock Muraco, Ripner Cabnit

 Talk about the who’s who of who cares. And the match begins as we see Flyin’ Brian Gutan……….fly right the fuck over the top rope courtesy of Steve Ferrari as Brian Gutan has been eliminated. Off camera it looks like both Brian Nielsen and Koko B. Flair have been eliminated. Dock Muraco, sporting his traditional “Wake Me Up When It Reaches ****1/2” T-Shirt is hitting all sorts of chops and lariats as he eliminates White Goodman. The Texas Trainwreck, Bobby, tosses both David and Jose Gomez. Pistol Pete Labozetta ducks a wild swing then eliminates Worst in the World with a dropkick. Bang, Bang!!!! But the celebration is short-lived as Tommy Hall, with a sweet Darius Miles throwback, eliminates Pete Labozetta. The Brazilian Psycho tosses Jonathan Meisner, TimeandtheRani, and Ripner Cabnit as he is looking to avenge his embarrassing loss at the hands of the GM. Steve Ferrari tosses Mick then brawls with Beard Money. Tommy Hall and Logan Scisco duke it out as Dock Muraco now joins in on the attack as we have a writers brawl. However, TBP, Ferrari, and Andy PG run over and eliminate Tommy Hall, Dock Muraco, and Logan Scisco. The Administration guys and the Riverdale Covenant guys are all brawling now as they take each other out as Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Garth Holmberg, and Nebb28,  have been eliminated. They are now brawling all over the ring. Dr. Facts, fresh off a tour of Japan, is beating on the pride of the U.K., Dean Andrews. He charges but gets backdropped over the top rope as Dr. Facts has been eliminated. Bobby slugs it out with Beard Money while TBP knocks Harry Broadhurst through the middle rope. Rock Lobster charges at Andy but gets backdropped as Rock Lobster has been eliminated. The Catalyst and Andrews are locking up as Ferrari eliminates Phrederic. Andrews is done as Ferrari and Andy collide. The Catalyst then knocks TBP into Beard Money as he is the last man standing. He smiles as the men slowly get up as you know what this means…………………………………..SNAPMARE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tries it on TBP but he BOTCHES THE MOVE!!!! That was a given. The crowd laughs as Bryant tells them to shut up but as that happens Beard Money picks him up and dumps him over the ropes as “The Catalyst” Chad Bryant has been eliminated. Dean Andrews gets hit by Ferrari, who then sends him over the top rope as Dean Andrews has been eliminated. Bobby then attacks Money from behind as Ferrari runs over as they both eliminate Beard Money then Ferrari tosses Bobby over the top rope as the Final Four are set: Steve Ferrari, Andy PG, The Brazilian Psycho, and “Happening” Harry Broadhurst. Ferrari goes after Andy as he sends him into the post shoulder first, showing an aggressive streak. Broadhurst skins the cat after a backdrop from TBP then scurries back inside. Ferrari chokes out Andy in the corner as his aggressive streak comes out. TBP pulls him off Andy but gets decked. Ferrari then goes after TBP but ends up getting backdropped over the top rope as Steve Ferrari has been eliminated. Ferrari is livid then he yells at TBP, allowing Harry to hit him from behind as Ferrari pulled down the ropes as The Brazilian Psycho has been eliminated. Andy gets up slowly after a vicious attack then Harry runs over and dumps him as Andy PG has been eliminated, meaning “Happening” Harry Broadhurst is your Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal Winner. Harry now has the mic:

“Harry Fact #45, Nikki Bella is the hotter of the Bella Twins, Harry Fact #46, Kentucky will win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, but most important of all is Harry Fact #1 and that fact is………………HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”






Let’s check in to see what is happening in the GM’s office:

GM Bayless is sitting in the back with Justice Gray pouring him coffee. 
Bayless: “Seems to be going well so far, right Justice?”
Gray: “Absolutely, boss! Heck, you don’t even look nervous at all.”
Bayless: “Why would I be nervous? Bill Ray is ready. We end Riverdale tonight, and move on. What could I have to be nervous about?”
Gray: “Just with the stakes being so high, you normally like to have a Plan B, you know?”
Bayless is silent for a moment.
Bayless: “Gray, have you seen Baker?”
Gray: “Last I saw him, he found a dog turd outside the arena that he’s convinced looks like Brock Lesnar, so he has it blocked off and is attempting to start some sort of voodoo ritual to give Lesnar severe blockage up the ass, his theory being that a lazy fuckwad that sits around as much as Lesnar does, he might not even notice. Why?”

Bayless: “Get him for me.”



BoD Six Man Titles
The Job Mob vs Adam Curry & Cabspaintedyellow & Kyle Warne
The Job Mob enters first to “Insane in the Brain” by Cypress Hill. They’ve clearly ingested some, shall we say, substances….oh, screw it. They’re high as fucking kites on a combination of coke, sudafed, and some kind of Asian horse piss. Zanatude is holding all the belts as they await the challengers. And here they come, to the sounds of “Jump Around” by House of Pain – the whole crowd is jumping! They’re ready to see new champions! Looks like Murph and Kyle are going to start us off. Chatrock and Zanatude smoke up on the apron as they circle, Murph stumbles a little but is able to lock up. They back up into the ropes, a clean break? Oh, it’s because Murph needs a little ‘puff, puff, pass’ off the freshly lit joint. He inhales, but the exhaling is done for him because Warne attacks! Rights and lefts, he shoots Murph off the ropes – spinning heel kick! Drags him over to the corner and tags in Adam Curry, who’s chomping at the bit. Curry stomps Murph in the corner, picks him up, off the ropes, clothesline! Picks him up – belly to back suplex! 1,2, no! Murph is able to scurry back to his corner and tags in Chatrock. Chatrock enters slowly, whether because he’s cautious or inebriated, and it’s a kick to the gut of Curry! He goes for the swinging neckbreaker, but Curry flips out of it and hits a superkick! Curry tags in cabspaintedyellow, and he’s in with a quick elbowdrop! A second! A third! BIIGGG 4th elbow drop! 1,2, Zanatude saves the titles! The Job Mob has mounted zero offense up to this point. Cabspaintedyellow sets Curry up in the corner – tornado DDT! They’re having some fun out there! And Murph and Zanatude are in the ring, the ref is trying to send them out – Curry with a cheapshot on cabs! Curry stumbles back to his corner, and here’s Zanatude. He slaps at cabspaintedyellow’s head, and picks him up. Irish whip to the other turnbuckle. Charge by Zanatude – avalanche! 1,2, no! Curry and Warne look concerned, but they’re cheering cabspaintedyellow on. Zanatude with a picture-perfect DDT. He says that’s it – 1,2, no! He pounds the mat in frustration, and tags in Murph. Murph off the ropes, senton…misses! Cabspaintedyellow is crawling for the tag – Murph grabs his leg! Pulls him back to the center of the ring and grapevines the leg as cabs tries to get free. Now he’s got cabs back in the Job Mob corner, and the tag to Chatrock, who’s in with the boots and the badmouth. “Call us motherfuckers, huh?” He’s getting cabs to his feet – abdominal stretch! The referee’s out of position, and there’s Zanatude with the helping hand! The ref checks, and now it’s Murph on the other side grabbing him for leverage! Warne and Curry are in the ring, the ref gets them back to their corner, and now Zanatude and Chatrock switch off behind the ref’s back. The ref looks confused, but he goes back to checking for the submission. Zanatude gets a grin on his face and throws cabs to the ground – he’s going to the top rope! What’s he trying for….it’s a SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Cabspaintedyellow moves out of the way! 0.7 LESNAR STAR PRESS AS ZANATUDE IS DOWN! He reaches for the tag as cabspaintedyellow crawls to his corner – Zanatude tags in Murph! AND CABS TAGS IN KYLE WARNE! WARNE IS A HOUSE AFIRE! Upstairs, downstairs, he backs Murph into the corner, whips him to the other turnbuckle, corner dropkick! Murph slumps in the corner and Warne hits a delayed corner dropkick this time! Set up – Blue Thunder BOMB!  That’ll do it! 1,2, Chatrock breaks up the count! And now Curry is in the ring! Here comes Cabs and Zanatude, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Curry and Chatrock tumble outside and are battling while the ref tries to restore order, he gets cabs back into his own corner, but what does Zanatude have – BONG SHOT TO THE HEAD OF KYLE WARNE! He puts Murph on top, and referee turns around – pinfall is academic. 1,2,3, and the Job Mob escapes with their titles again! Chatrock is out on the floor, and Adam Curry just saw what happened! Curry launches himself at Murph! Zanatude grabs the belts as Murph and Curry are hooking it up battling all the way back to the dressing room! 






Bill Ray vs. Robert Davis (If Davis loses the Riverdale Covenant must join the Administration, if Bill Ray loses, the Administration must disband and Bayless loses his GM job)
The dulcet tones of Tom Waits’ “The Piano has been drinking (Not me)” start up as Bill Ray makes his entrance….midway it switches to “Whiskey in the Jar” as Bill Ray takes a shot with Rockstar Gary before getting in the ring, baseball bat in hand. GM Bayless hops up on the apron and starts whispering furiously to Bill Ray, who nods and smiles. What nefarious shenanigans does Bayless have planned? “WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” is heard over the loudspeakers before switching over to The Archies’ classic “Sugar, Sugar” as Robert Davis leads the Riverdale Covenant to the ring. Robert is twirling Jughead and pointing it at Bayless the whole time as the Administration bails from the ring while the Covenant takes it, posing on the turnbuckles. Davis hasn’t taken his eyes off Bayless, who is standing behind Bill Ray and shouting threats. Davis smiles and takes off his Letterman’s jacket, ready to do battle. Bill Ray starts to climb the stairs to the ring, but Bayless stops him. He’s got the STICK~! “Whoa, whoa, whoa. First off, this match is going to be a fair contest, so first things first – you two need to put away your weapons! Bill, I’ll take that bat, and Davis, you give that….thing to one of your followers. Alright, now then – because I am so confident in my man Bill Ray here, and to be fair, I’m ordering both The Administration and the Riverdale Covenant to go to the back! Neither faction is allowed at ringside! I, of course, will stay here to ensure that the rules that I set down will be followed.” The Covenant is PISSED, but Robert Davis tells them to get to the back, saying “I’ve got this.” And the bell rings! We’re underway! GM Bayless looks remarkably calm, considering his job is on the line as the two wrestlers circle each other. Davis stops for a moment. “Bill, don’t make me do this. Give me Bayless and you can join us or walk away unharmed. Don’t make me do this. Not for HIM.” Bill Ray stops, looking confused, but he shakes his head and they lock up! Collar and elbow, Bill Ray with the headlock, Davis shoots him off the ropes, shoulderblock by Davis! Ray back to his feet, Davis off the ropes, clothesline! Davis gets Ray back to his feet and uses rights and lefts to back Ray into the corner, cross-corner whip, blind charge hits the turnbuckle as Ray moved out of the way! Side-Russian legsweep by Ray! 1,2, no! Ray with the chinlock, knees to the back. Davis back to his feet, fires elbows to the midsection of Ray, shoots him off the ropes, BIIIIIGGGG back body drop by Davis and he’s back in control. Davis with a standing side headlock, Ray tries to shoot him off, but Davis takes him over and retains the headlock. He works it for a few minutes, but Ray escapes with the leg scissors and both wrestlers get back to their feet. Ray is first with a kick to the gut, a second kick, and suplex. 1,2, no! Ray drops the elbow, drops it again, Ray to the second rope, comes off, Davis with a shot to the gut! Ray goes down and Bayless looks a little concerned….because Davis just saw him! He hops out of the ring and starts to stalk Bayless, Bayless backs up while yelling “Come and get me, GOSH!” and here’s Ray from behind! He sends Davis into the ring post! Bayless laughs and cheers on Bill Ray, as he rolls Davis back into the ring. Setting up for it…..Garvin stomp by Bill Ray! 1, no! Not even a two count, ’cause fuck that move. Bill Ray comes off the ropes and drops a leg. Sets up Davis on the top rope – top rope RANA! 1,2, no! Bill Ray looks frustrated, but shakes it off. He grabs Davis and sets up for the sharpshooter, but Davis with the small package. 1,2, no! Bill Ray throws a knee to Davis’ back, and hooks the chinlock. Bayless is celebrating on the outside, ready to call for the bell…..but Davis fights out! Davis throwing elbows at Bill Ray’s midsection, shoots him off….Black Hole Slam by Davis! Both wrestlers are down, but Davis is crawling over for the cover. 1,2, Ray gets the shoulder out. Davis picks Ray up. “WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR HIM!!” he screams at Bill Ray, and comes off the ropes with a huge lariat! 1,2, no! Davis slams the mat in frustration!Davis heads to the top rope, looking for the 450! Bill Ray MOVES! Both wrestlers are down and Bayless is going crazy on the outside! He signals to the back – here comes the Administration! And the Riverdale Covenant is right behind them! Both wrestlers are still down and the two factions are fighting in the aisle! Bayless is screaming “WHERE ARE YOU, BAKER?!?” All of a sudden the tron comes to life – it’s the bloodied and lifeless body of Jesse Baker! He’s been laid out in the back, a Brock Lesnar shirt laid over his body like the flag at a military funeral! The camera pans up to the wall – it’s Baker’s blood! And it spells….STACKHOUSE LIVES! Bayless gulps and looks around wildly, and the LIGHTS GO OUT! The lights come back up…..IT’S ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!! He’s right behind Bayless, shirt covered in blood! Bayless turns around as Stackhouse grins. Bayless makes a run for it as Archie gives chase. Meanwhile, both Bill Ray and Robert Davis are getting to their feet. It’s bedlam! Davis and Ray slug it out, and Ray seems to get the better of him! Meanwhile, Archie is still chasing Bayless – Bayless goes through the ring and runs into Bill Ray setting up for the brainbuster! He takes out his own man and both are down. Davis looks over to Archie, who nods – Davis picks up Bill Ray – Spinning Doctor Bomb! 1,2,3! IT’S ALL OVER!! Bayless has lost everything! The Administration is down, and Covenant has surrounded Bayless in the ring, who’s just coming to. He looks around, fully realizing what has happened. Archie has the mic. “Robert Davis.” Davis looks over at him. “He’s all yours.” Archie hands Jughead to Davis, who beams and LEVELS the former GM! Again! Bayless is unconscious and bleeding like a stuck pig! Archie nods to Davis, who picks Bayless up, slings him over his shoulders, and walks to the back. Archie turns his attention to Bill Ray. “Bill Ray. You fought valiantly. You should be proud.” He holds out the jacket. “Join us.” Bill Ray looks at Archie for a long moment, and SNATCHES the mic out of Archie’s hands. “No.” The Covenant begins to close in, but Archie raises his hands to stop them. Bill Ray continues: “You can kick my ass if you want, Stackhouse, but I’m done following people. From now on, Bill Ray walks his own road.” He throws the mic down and looks ready to fight. Archie considers him for a long moment, then he nods to Nebb, who produces Bill Ray’s baseball bat. He hands it to Bill Ray like an unsheathed sword, and gestures; the Covenant immediately obeys and clears a path like the parting of the Red Sea. Bill Ray looks around warily, and finally takes the bat and walks off under his own power, finally on his own road to the top.

BoD Writer’s Championship
Stranger in the Alps vs. “Marvelous” Matt Perri (Champion) w/ Miss Danielle


The trail of mist flies through the arena and when it passes, the Stranger appears!!!!!! Perri is scared shitless as the Stranger is back!!!!!! Perri tries to plead with Stranger as Danielle plans a sneak attack with her heel but Stranger sees that from the corner of his eye. He goes over to stop as Perri charges but Stranger move as Miss Danielle goes flying off of the apron. Perri looks on in worry as he then turns around as Stranger was waiting for him. Stranger doesnt buy Perri’s sincerity and boots him in the gut. He whips Perri against the ropes and catches him with a Samoan Drop. Stranger signals to the old ladies in the front as they know what time it is as Stranger hits the Can Opener for the win!!!! Stranger has reclaimed the BoD Writer’s Championship! And look at the old ladies go crazy:


Money on the Table Match
The Fuj vs. GM Bayless vs. Hoss vs. kbjone vs. John Petuka vs. Joe Dust
Instead of having the briefcase hanging from the ceiling, there’s a table hanging from the ceiling, with the briefcase sitting on the table. 
Entrance music: The Fuj – “No Surrender” by Bruce Springsteen
Kbjone and Petuka – “Werewolves of London” By Warren Zevon
Joe Dust – “Pinball Wizard” by The Who
GM Bayless – “I fought the Law” by Green Day
AND….Hoss – “Ice Cream For Crow” – Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band

Ladders are surrounding the ring as Hoss makes his entrance, with the other competitors already in the ring. Bayless has already been screaming at the other competitors, telling them to stay out of his way, but even he falls silent as Biff Kensington is leading this giant ice cream craving behmoth to the ring. Hoss steps over the top rope and roars “HOSS WANT ICE CREAM!!” The other five competitors look at each other and shrug, and it’s a FIVE ON ONE BEATDOWN! Hoss tries to fight it off, but the numbers game is too much and Hoss is sent to the floor! And here we go! It’s Petuka and kbjone double-teaming Joedust in one corner, while the Fuj and Bayless are brawling in the other. Petuka and Joedust tumble to the floor, and kbjone launches himself at Bayless and The Fuj in the other corner. Biff is trying to revive Hoss on the outside – meanwhile, Petuka sends Joedust to the post and it looks like Petuka’s going for the first ladder of the match! Bayless and kbjone are double-teaming Fuj in the corner, Demolition Decapitation! And Bayless with the cheap shot on kbjone! DDT by Bayless! Petuka’s back in the ring with the ladder and hits Bayless with a ladder shot! Petuka sets up the ladder, but the HOSS IS BACK! He’s in the ring and flings Petuka off the ladder! Petuka begs off as the ladder tips over, but there’s no mercy from the Hoss – chokeslam! Petuka rolls to the outside as Fuj is on the top rope – CAUGHT as he comes down! Sitout powerbomb! Hoss gets up, turns around….into a Joedust missile dropkick! Joedust is on fire! Kicks to a kneeling Hoss – shining wizard! Joedust looks up at the table, sets up the ladder, begins to climb….here’s Bayless on the other side. They’re both at the top of the ladder, exchanging rights and lefts! Bayless falls, bounces off the ropes and pushes the ladder over along with Joedust over the top rope! HOLY SHIT! Bayless looks up and gets the ladder in position, but here comes Petuka….PETUKA BAZOOKA! Bayless is OUT! But stirring in the corner is kbjone, and the Upper Midcard Express is face to face in the ring! Petuka sticks out his hand, but kbjone is having none of it. They eye each other, then it’s Petuka with the first shot! It’s ON! They’re fighting like dogs…and kbjone gets behind for the german suplex! And here’s Fuj! Scorpion Deathdrop! He tosses both outside the ring! There’s no one left! Fuj is gonna do it! He’s climbing the ladder….and Biff’s in the ring! He starts shaking the ladder back and forth, but Fuj won’t be stopped! He’s near the top rung….but here’s Joedust! Joedust with the pele kick to Biff! He races up the other side! He and Fuj are at the top trying to get on the table to get the briefcase, and Petuka shoves the ladder out from underneath them! They’re hanging onto the table as Petuka tries to pull them down. He gets Joedust down and clotheslines him outside the ring, but Fuj is hanging on with a vice-like grip! From behind, it’s Bayless! And he’s got a chair! Chairshot to Petuka! Chairshot to Fuj! Fuj drops but he wants to fight – SICK UNPROTECTED CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD! Fuj is busted wide open! The GM smiles and gets the ladder. He showboats his way up the ladder, posing the whole way….until a hand grabs him! THE HOSS IS ALIVE, AND HE IS ANGRY!! LACK OF ICE CREAM ANGRY!! Bayless looks down and sighs, trying to kick Hoss away, but Hoss yanks him off the ladder! Bayless is begging for mercy – he’s offering a lifetime supply of Baskin-Robbins! Hoss is considering his offer – NOPE! HUGE PANTS-SHITTER TO THE GM! And now there’s no one left, as Hoss ascends the ladder and climbs up to the table and grabs the Money on the Table! Hoss is your Money on the Table winner, and the champion better watch himself!

Let’s check out the C-List Posse in the front row: 



BoD C-List Title Match
Biscuit vs. DBSM (Champion)

It took many years for the Midwestern Mauler to get to the big stage but here he is as Biscuit as made it to BoD Mania. The C-List posse takes a seat at ringside as the match is underway. They lockup as DBSM ducks underneath the ropes then heads outside to consult with his posse. He is back yet keeps on using stalling tactics as the crowd boos. The C-List posse tells the crowd to quiet down as they are on their phones, presumably getting the details on that Tina Yothers after party tonight. DBSM returns and works a hammerlock that gets reversed. Biscuit uses a fireman’s carry as he grounds the champ. DBSM reaches the ropes but Biscuit pulls him out to the middle of the ring and hammers away. Biscuit ducks a haymaker and hits a back suplex as the C-List Posse look worried at ringside. DBSM ducks out but Biscuit follows him and starts hammering away. Biscuit rolls DBSM back inside and covers but only gets two. DBSM misses another wild swing as the Biscuit takes him down with the Drop Toe Hold. Biscuit goes for an Irish whip but that gets reversed. Biscuit gets his knees up on a charging DBSM then tries a suplex but that gets blocked then DBSM rakes the eyes to get the advantage. DBSM targets the back and applies a surfboard as the crowd rallies behind Biscuit. DBSM hits a backbreaker then heads up to the second rope as the C-List Posse waves their rally towels in support. DBSM goes for the elbow drop but Biscuit rolls away as both men are down. DBSM gets up first but Biscuit hammers away. Biscuit whips DBSM in the corner and follows with a high knee. Biscuit then busts out a La Magistral for a nearfall. Biscuit hits a suplex for two. Gutbuster gets two. Biscuit pumps up as the Regal might have some gold in the passenger seat tonight. Biscuit sets up for the Stump Puller and he gets the hold!!!!!!!!! The C-List Posse are beside themselves but wait a minute, three guys with paper bags on their heads who are wearing bowling shirts run into the ring and start attacking Biscuit as the ref rings the bell for the DQ. The three men continue their assault as Harvey Grant and Steve Decker pull DBSM to safety. The guys toss Biscuit to the floor then they take the bags off of their heads to reveal……………White Thunder, WWF 1987, and Mikey Mike!!!!!!! They are not happy as Mike grabs the mic:

“Its a damn travesty that us three were not booked for BoD Mania. You have Minnesota trash (points at Biscuit) as well as the other jabronis on the card but not us? And you know why? Its the anti-Cleveland bias that permeates the BoD. So, for now on, anyone here will have to run through us, Camp Cleveland”

Backstage, GM Bayless is in his office, presumably for the last time. Justice Gray then approaches him. He tells Bayless that the “Big Man from Saskatoon” will announce his replacement next week on BoD RAW. Bayless slams his fist on his deck after Gray whispers in his ear about the rumors of the next GM. “He is fucking terrible” the soon to be former GM shouts.




BoD Tag Team Title Match
Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington III vs. Midcard Mafia (Champions)

The HUSS Section is louder than ever tonight! The Berzerker tries to go see them but BKIII and Curtis Williams bring him near the ring but the Midcard Mafia fly out and hit them with planchas as the match begins. They brawl at ringside as the crowd gets into the match. Back inside, the MCM take turns working the arm of Williams. Lots of quick tags from the MCM as they bust out a few cool double team moves such as a Razor’s Edge/Neckbreaker combo. The Berzerker breaks up that pin attempt as the HUSS Section erupts. BKIII, with his skull cane, tries to whack Piers behind the referee’s back but Ferrari chases him away. Williams lands an elbow smash then yanks Piers down by the hair as Curtzerker is in control of the match. The Berzerker lands his HUSS stomps in the corner as the crowd counts along by saying HUSS. Magoonie and Ferrari rally behind their partner as he is getting destroyed. Williams tags and hits a running powerslam but Magoonie breaks up that pin attempt and as the ref orders him back on the apron, BKIII chokes out Piers with his cane until Ferrari chases him away. The Berzerker tags as Piers is in the corner and hits him with the HUSS RUSH. HUSS!!!!!!!! Williams is back in and heads up top for a splash but Piers rolls away as both men are down. Piers crawls over to the corner as the crowd is behind him and makes the tag!!! Magoonie slingshots in and starts hammering away on Curtzerker. He is clearing house as the match breaks down. Piers gets to his feet and climbs up top after getting tagged by Magoonie and sends Williams to the floor with a missile dropkick. BKIII then yanks Magoonie off of the apron and prepares to hit him with his cane but Ferrari runs over and takes it away. He motions to hit BKIII then smiles as he turns around and whacks Piers in the face with the cane!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. BKIII now smiles as Ferrari stomps Magoonie as The Berzerker hits Piers with the HUSS RUSH then finishes him off with the HUSSOCALYPSE as Curtzerker are the new BoD Tag Team Champions!!!! The HUSS Section is going mental right now as BKIII and Curtzerker are celebrating in the ring. Ferrari walks in and also now begins to celebrate with the group as his former teammates are lying on the mat. BKIII grabs the mic:

“I told you that Curtzerker would be the next Tag Team Champions of the BoD. You see, BoD Mania II marks the day the Kensington Enterprises Destiny Begins. And this is just the first step as tonight, Hoss will become the BoD Money on the Table Winner and become the BoD Heavyweight Champion. But first, let me welcome you to the newest addition to Kensington Enterprises, Steve Ferrari. (Ferrari waves at the crowd, who pelts him with garbage in return) But you know what, you dont deserve to hear him speak. And you can boo all you want and throw all of the trash that you have as tonight, Kensington Enterprises is taking over the BoD!!!!!!!!”


Yesterday, BoD camera crews caught up with Sir Tony Garea as he visited his dear brother Johnny in the hospital. Let’s see what took place:

(Sir Tony walks into the hospital room, with his trademark expressionless face. He sees his dear brother Johnny hooked up to machines and an IV. Sir Tony stares at his brother, not moving a muscle. He then reaches into his hand and pulls out a can of Anchor Cheese and places it on Johnny’s tray. The camera zooms in as it shows both Sir Tony & Johnny on the label, almost smiling as youngsters.)



BoD Solid B+ Player Match Championship Match
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer 09 (Champion)

LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!! Kaptain Kiwi is coming out on a horse! And we have 20 actors dressed up as Kiwifruit Trees coming down with him. Hart Killer looks none too impressed as he says “four out of ten” on the microphone. Kiwi is wearing an arm pad due to the injuries suffered at the hands of Hart Killer. The match starts with a staredown as Kiwi is using the Garea facial techniques. Hart Killer cannot counter that so he goes over and slaps Kiwi……………but it gets blocked!!!! Garea fires back as he has Hart Killer against the ropes. He keeps on hammering on Hart Killer until he is sent through the ropes. Kiwi follows him out and sends Hart Killer into the guardrail. Kiwi rolls Hart Killer back inside and prepares for the Garea Stretch!!!!!!!!!! However, Hart Killer rolls outside just in the nick of time. Kiwi heads back out but Hart Killer pulls him into the post. Hart Killer attacks the injured arm and tries to pull off the arm gear. Kiwi stops but Hart Killer boots him down. Hart Killer puts Kiwi’s injured arm on top of the steps and climbs up top but misses the stomp. Kiwi and Hart Killer fight outside until Hart Killer reverses an Irish whip that sends Kiwi into the guardrail. Hart Killer goes back inside and starts wrenching the arm back as Kiwi is in agony. Hart Killer is trying to ensure that Kiwi does not win the match, which will ruin Sir Tony Garea’s chance at raising the money to save his dear brother Johnny. Hart Killer locks on a Fujiwara Armbar as he screams “wipe away the your tears and call me the greatest!!!!” Kiwi struggles and reaches the ropes. Hart Killer kicks the arm as Kiwi clutches it in agony. Hart Killer now smiles as he drapes Kiwi’s arm over the apron. He grabs a chair and tries to hit it but Kiwi rolls away. Hart Killer comes back in and knees Kiwi in the face then heads up top. Hart Killer comes off with a clothesline but Kiwi rolls away. Both men are down as the crowd starts a moderate-sized clap for Kiwi. This is a man who had the worst year ever after suffering four consecutive losses he traveled to New Zealand to train in the previosuly unknown Garea Basement and came back to become the #1 Contender to the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship. Hart Killer gets up first but Kiwi punches away with his good arm. He then grabs a side headlock and jumps WAY up high for the side headlock takeover! He follows that with a hiptoss then a crossbody for one……………….two………………thre..nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Hart Killer kicked out as the crowd is beside themselves. Kiwi heads up top and tries a crossbody but Hart Killer tosses the referee in the way as everyone is down. Hart Killer attacks Kiwi from behind then goes out underneath the ring and gets a pair of handcuffs! He attaches one end to the rope then tries to attach the other end to Kiwi but Biscuit runs out from the back and knocks Hart Killer down. Biscuit now rallies behind Kiwi as the crowd goes nuts. Hart Killer whacks Kiwi then rolls him back inside. The referee is now awake as Hart Killer whips Kiwi into the ropes but misses a clothesline then Kiwi catches him in the GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!! GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!! GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!!! Hart Killer tries but cannot escape and is forced to tap!!!!!! KAPTAIN KIWI DID IT!!!!!!! JOHNNY GAREA WILL LIVE!!!!!!!!! The ref raises the healthy hand of Kiwi as he is now the BoD Solid B+ Player Champion. Kiwi celebrates then near the entrance in the back corner a small spotlight shines and its…………………………………..SIR TONY GAREA!!!! He is on his high horse, dressed in his captain’s outfit. He has his expressionless facial expression and stares at his pupil, who has the same expression on his face. The rather inexpensive BoD Jumbrtron 100 then shows a can of Anchor Cheese that features Kaptain Kiwi’s face. ANCHOR CHEESE SIGNED THE SPONSORSHIP DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Backstage, we’re with Abeyance. Lets hear what he has to say. 
“Right now, it all ends for you, Cultstatus. And I start turning heads once again here in the BOD and get my rightful title rematch. I AM the new ICON of the BOD, and you won’t forget it aftertonight. Remember, you wanted this street fight, so WELCOME TO THE BOD, BITCH!”

Abeyance vs Cultstatus


Abeyance’s music for his BOD Mania entrance is “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance, which….well, you can guess how it’s received. He walks out in darkness with a spotlight following him, STEEL chair in hand. He’s ready for this street fight!And now we hear the opening of “Bankrobber” by the Clash – here comes Cultstatus! He’s taking his time heading to the ring, slowly taping his fists as he walks, never taking his eyes off Abeyance, who’s dancing in the ring with the chair, daring Cult to get in. Cult with THE STICK~! “Abeyance. Abeyance. Look at me. Look at my eyes, look at my face. See me when I say this to you.” He points at Abeyance, who has stopped dancing and swallows as Cult finally smiles. “I’m going to hurt you now.”Cult rushes the ring and tackles Abeyance! The chair goes flying, the bell rings, and we are underway! Cult is on top of Abeyance and raining rights and lefts! Abeyance is trying to get out from under, but Cult is still wailing away! Finally, Abeyance shoves him off, Cult comes off the ropes and puts him right back down with a huge clothesline! “Cult, Cult, Cult” chants the crowd as he puts the boots to Abeyance, who hasn’t gotten anything going yet, to say the least. Cult picks him up in waistlock, German suplex! Cult is enjoying himself immensely, and Abeyance is down. Cult gets him back up, Abeyance can barely stand, Cult mocks him and kicks him in the gut…DDT! 1,2, no! Cult seems almost happy he didn’t get the pin there. Abeyance has had pretty much zero offense. Cult picks him back up and whips him into the corner. Avalanche by Cult! Abeyance staggers out of the corner into a Flatliner! 1, 2, no! Cult swats at his head as Abeyance gets to his knees throwing wild lefts and rights; Cult with VICIOUS knee to the face! Setting Abeyance up….piledriver! 1,2, Cult pulls him up! Cult heads outside to look for something…..oh, my! It’s the barbed-wire brass knucks! He tries them on for size, and it appears that, for lack of a better term, the glove does fit this time! Abeyance is stirring the ring, and he sees Cult trying on the hardware. Abeyance is out of the ring and sprinting for the back! Cult gives chase! Abeyance is reaching into his tights as he stumbles away. Near the entrance, Cult catches him and Abeyance whirls and PASTES Cult with the left hand….which has a chain wrapped around it! Cult is staggered, and Abeyance nails him again! Cult is still on his feet! Cult with a wild swing as he’s busted wide open and staggering, and Abeyance grabs a chair and takes a sick swing at Cult’s head! It connects and Cult FINALLY goes down! Abeyance poses with the chair to loud boos. He grabs a mic – “Hey, Cult – when does the hurting start?” And AGAIN he hits him with the chair! Cult starts to stir and begins to stagger back towards the ring, with Abeyance showboating his way back to the ring, chair still in hand! A THIRD chair shot to the back of Cult’s head puts him down right outside the ring, and Abeyance goes looking for plunder underneath the ring….it’s a table! And a second table! Abeyance grabs Cult and sends him into the post! Then into the steps! Abeyance hoists him up…Death Valley Driver on the floor! Turning his attention back to the tables, Abeyance sets one up, and he puts Cult on top of it. Abeyance to the top rope….splash through the table! Cult ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY! Abeyance went through and he’s down! Cult has begun to stir….he just felt the blood flowing down his forehead! He gets to his feet and his eyes go wide staring at Abeyance! This could get ugly, folks! Cultstatus goes back up the entrance way….he’s got the barbed-wire brass knucks! Abeyance is still down! Cult is taking his time, still tasting his own blood as he stalks Abeyance, who is starting to stir as Cult is now staring right at him….Abeyance turns around and Cult NAILS him between the eyes! We’ve got a double gusher! Abeyance is busted WIDE OPEN, and Cult isn’t finished! A second shot, a third shot! The blood is flowing from both wrestlers now! Cult looks around ringside and sees the 2nd table, and he begins to smile. He rolls Abeyance’s mostly lifeless body into the ring and sets up the table, then sets Abeyance on the top rope! Cult smiles and shouts right into Abeyance’s face “WELCOME TO THE BOD!!!” TOP ROPE BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE!! Both wrestlers are down! This just in – Dock Muraco gives this match **** but is horrified by the violent content! Cultstatus WANTS that last star! He gets to his feet and looks down at Abeyance, whose blood is leaking on the mat – he signals for the powerbomb! Sets up for it….Abeyance with the BALLSHOT! Cult goes down like he’s been shot! Abeyance staggers to his feet and STOMPS on Cult’s nutsack! AGAIN! Oh my GOD, this might get out of hand. A THIRD NUT STOMP! The referee is powerless to stop these blatant cheapshots! Cult is doubled over in pain as Abeyance hits a rolling neckbreaker and kicks Cult in the nuts for a FOURTH time! This is getting uncomfortable as Abeyance is getting vicious on another man’s nutsack like he was at a party at Bryan Singer’s house! “I apologize, Cult – guess you did have some balls, didn’t you?” He picks Cult up to doubled-over position, grabs the leg, and hits the dragon-screw legwhip! More punishment to the groin! Again! A third dragon-screw! Inverted atomic drop! Again! Abeyance is pulling all the dirtiest tricks out of his book in this one, folks! He hangs Cult up in the corner….Shattered Dreams! Cult is barely moving, and Abeyance backs up and DOES IT AGAIN! Abeyance poses and rolls Cult over. 1,2, NO! MY GOD! Abeyance can’t believe it! He shakes his head and sets Cult up spread-eagled on the mat and goes to the top…..KNEE DROP TO THE GROIN! Finally, Abeyance goes for the pin. 1,2,3. Abeyance wins this one with severe testicular punishment. The mat is stained red with blood. Abeyance wins, but can he be proud of such a victory involving the taint….er, such a tainted victory? I don’t think we’ve heard the last of this one.








Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge
Best of Three
Burt Macklin & Marv Cresto & Matt Indeed & Mar Solo & Dancin’ Devin Harris & Funk Doc 1112 vs. Paul Meekin & Caliber Winfield & Night & X-Man & THE YETAAAY & AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN


Mar Solo comes out double-fisting coffee as he highsteps and pumps his fist in the air, spilling coffee everywhere. The competitors are getting ready as Burt & Marv watch Hulu Plus through a smart phone while Caliber takes selfies near the ropes Matt Indeed takes off his windbreaker quickly. Here is the first round.

Round 1


Mar Solo tracks down a barista and gets two more cups of coffee. Indeed tells him to put them down as Solo thinks he said “GIT DOWN” as does DDH and Funk Doc as everyone is GITTIN’ FUN-KAY until Solo throws his coffee in the air, almost burning his opponents. The whistle then blows as its just Burt, Marv, and Matt holding the rope for their team as they get pulled into the mud for the loss.

Round 2


Solo has been instructed to not drink coffee now. Caliber is posting on Facebook about his crippling bout of discrimination brought on at Planet Fitness as they enforced basic gym etiquette on the Pacific Coast Pussy Magnet. Meekin then tells him to focus but turns around and ends up tripping, causing a domino effect. The whistle blows as the only one holding the rope for his team is THE YETAAAY as he is yanked into the mud. It’s tied 1-1.

Round 3


Here it is as everyone is focused. The whistle blows as the teams are engaged in battle. Team The MeekBuff are now anchoring their side as they are tough pull. The MeekBuff side almost have this but they are now being pulled closer to the middle. MeekBuff now seems to have the advantage then the other team counts to three and drops the ropes, losing the match but causing the others to fall down. They then run over the middle and attack the team as we have a giant brawl taking place. Marv and Burt double-clothesline MeekBuff. Mar Solo highsteps all over the place pumping his fist in the air for no apparent reason. Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 are duking it out with Night & X-Man as several officials and White Coat Security have to break up the melee.

Folks, we are proud to announce that timekeeper Mister E Mahn was won his 200th award, the “Eastern Albanian Right-Handed Timekeeper of the Year” Award. What an honor?  Mister E Mahn stands and salutes the crowd but all of a sudden, PrimeTime Ten comes out clapping sarcastically with a pair of trophies that he stole from Mahn a few weeks ago. Here is what he has to say:

“Unlike Mister E Mahn, I am the real Pride of Canada. You see, I am Wayne Gretzky while he is just Luc Robitaille. He rides the coattails of my success. In fact, the children of Canada feel the same way as I have recorded an album with the kids titled  “No More Poutine on the Smorgasbord.” It will sweep the Nation and after I am done promoting the album, I will take a timekeeper course and win more of these (pulls out trophies).”

And here is our musical guest. Who says the big stars don’t come to the BoD?

BoD World Title Match
Jef Vinson vs. Jobber (Champion)


And this is the main event, folks. After a year of overcoming obstacles, Jef Vinson has his title match. Jobber laughs as they stare down but gets slapped hard across the face!!!! Jobber cant believe what happened then Vinson starts firing away. Jobber is taken by surprise as Vinson sends him into the corner and follows with a splash. Vinson climbs up top and hits a missile dropkick. Vinson then hits a catatonic for two. Jobber ducks outside but Vinson flies out with a tope. Jobber is down as Vinson punches away. Back in the ring, Vinson charges but gets caught with a big boot. Jobber now gets in some moves as he takes charge. He sends Vinson to the floor with a clothesline and goes after him. Vinson is getting his ass kicked out there as the Job Mob have been nowhere to be seen for this match. They are back inside as Jobber chokes out Vinson with his foot. Jobber places Vinson up top for a superplex and hits that for a two count. Jobber sends Vinson back to the floor and distracts the referee as the Job Mob come down to the ring, with Murph dragging a barrel. They stop halfway as Vinson gets up as Jobber pulls him back inside. Jobber grabs a chinlock, so he can wear down his opponent and work off that hangover for a minute. Jobber with a boot that sends Vinson to the floor as he distracts the ref again and this time Chartock & Zanatude attack Vinson. They roll him back inside as Jobber covers but only gets two. Vinson’s valet is worried as her man tries to get something going here. Jobber uses more restholds but this time its a Dragon Sleeper so it’s acceptable to Dock Muraco. Jobber sends Vinson in the corner but misses a big boot as Vinson comes back with a Dragon Screw. Murph drags the barrel closer to ringside as Vinson fights back. Jobber picks him up but Vinson floats over and hits a Lungblower. He covers but Jobber gets his foot on the ropes. Jobber is in trouble now as Vinson is hammering away. Powerslam gets two. Moonsault gets two. Vinson goes up top as Chartock grabs his leg. Vinson kicks him away but as Murph distracts the ref, Zanatude yanks him off as Vinson crashes through the floor. Jobber then runs into the ref from behind and sells it like he was whipped into him. The ref is down as Zanatude & Chartock drag Vinson to the barrel. Murph laughs as he sparks a blunt as Vinson is on the ground. Chartock grabs the barrel and dumps the contents, which is all empty beer cans, on top of Vinson. Oh come on, this is disgusting and Vinson lives a clean lifestyle. Murph then pulls out a can of PBR from his sweatshirt and opens it up. He takes a puff off of the blunt as Jobber pretends to be hurt so he can rest his hangover, sits in the ring. Zanatude & Chartock hold Vinson in place as they open up his mouth so Murph can fill it with beer but someone runs out from the crowd, because they stopped serving, but hold on…………..thats not a fan………………that is………………………….PARALLAX!!!!!! Curbstomp to Chartock. Curbstomp to Zanatude. Murph takes a swing and misses then Parallax sends him into the railing!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD, PARALLAX IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Jobber is in disbelief as Vinson slowly gets up. In the ring, Jobber lands a few shots then tries for the Razor’s Edge but Vinson floats over and tries for the TKO but Jobber gets out of that. Jobber pushes Vinson into the referee but wait, Vinson stopped short. Jobber tries to get them to collide but Vinson takes the ref away as Jobber misses then Vinson hits the TKO!!!!!!!! He covers…………..one…………….two……………..three!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VINSON DID IT!!!!!!! VINSON IS THE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!! The Job Mob try to run in for a sneak attack but Parallax runs in and chases them off with a chair. We are outta time, folks.

TUNE IN NEXT MONDAY FOR BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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