BoD RAW

By Scott Keith on March 25, 2015

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Tonight is the “go home” show for BoD Mania II. We will have the BoD World Title Contract signing between challenger Jef Vinson and the champion, Jobber123. Plus, the final competitor of the BoD Money on the Table match will be announced as are the remaining members of the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal. Lets start off the night with a BoD Money on the Table qualifying match. Out to the ring comes The Brazilian Psycho for his qualifying match. He waits as GM Bayless is about to name is opponent.

Bayless moves towards the center of the ring and is about to name TBP’s opponent but pauses then super kicks TBP.

Bayless: Your opponent is…………………………..me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Money on the Table Qualifying Match
The Brazilian Psycho vs. GM Bayless

Bayless then drops an elbow and covers TBP for the win as he becomes the 5th entrant in the BoD Money on the Table match. Bayless now grabs the mic:

” You see, with my GM job on the line at BoD Mania, people might think that I am scared. But I am not. Bill Ray has been training all day and night. Bill Ray will defeat the man who now calls himself Robert Davis. And when that happens, he will go back to Gosh Hopkins and instead of keeping a pet rock he will be guarding the bathroom.

But back to why I put myself in this match. Last year, I had a plan to win but it was foiled. And this year, I am showing everyone that I do not need a plan. I will win the damn thing myself. I am the best. I am the greatest. I am…………………the BoD. And all of you just stay here as the result of me. So, at BoD Mania, you will witness my path to the BoD World Title and nothing will stop me. I took care of that giant stain on society, Archie Stackhouse, and I will take care of everyone else in the BoD Money on the Table match too.”

Now, BoD World Champion Jobber and the Job Mob head out to the ring. Production crew members are bringing out sofas, lounge tables, and a wooden bowl on a stand. Now Trunk Barlow is carrying a bag of avocadoes as well as a shopping bag with other ingredients. Roth Munson brings out a 30 rack of brew as the Job Mob sit down. Zanatude yells at Munson to shine all three of the BoD Six Man Title belts as Barlow takes out the ingredients and avocadoes as he goes over to the bowl to make the champ some homemade guacamole. Not that store-brand bullshit. It appears that the Job Mob are chilling out here all night long.

Backstage, the camera shows Jef Vinson and his valet entering the arena. Wade Michael Meltzer approaches them for an interview:

Wade: Jef Vinson, how do you feel about tonight’s contract signing with Jobber for the BoD World Title Match?
Jef: Wade, I feel fine. No matter what adversity I face, I always come through on top. And with Jobber and the Job Mob, I am not afraid. It’s just one more hurdle to clear.
Wade: The Job Mob have proven to be a great insurance policy for Jobber. They always help him retain. Are you sure you can overcome them by yourself?
Jef: The Job Mob do not scare me at all, Wade. What ever happens will not stop me from my destiny.
Wade: Last question, Shibata or Nakamura
Jef: Uh……………..I do not know Wade.
Wade: (smarmy laugh) Guess you are an Okada guy
Jef; Sure, Wade. You outed me on that one.

Backstage, we see three paper bags that have eye cutouts in them on the floor. The camera then zooms in on a note that says “We are Coming Back, We are United.”

Kensington Enterprises came early this week to Los Angeles to take a tour and to do some work for the BoD “We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation.” Lets see how that went:

We are at the “We Kinda, Sorta Care Foundation” annual children’s picnic, hosted by Kensington Enterprises. Biff Kensington III is at the festivities with his new cane. He also is passing out “HUSS” T-shirts to all of the children as they walk by. Lets see what went on here.

Biff: Alright children, get your shirts and make sure to thank your friend and favor wrestler, The Berzerker.
Children (In Unison) Thank you, The Berzerker.
The Berzerker: (Somewhat Heartfelt) HUSS!……………………….HUSS!……………………….HUSS!
Biff: Okay kids, Hoss now has an important message from you.
Hoss: (Lots of bad acting here) Hello, children. It is with great displeasure that I tell you the ice cream sundae bar as been closed down. As a professional ice cream inspector, I have determined this ice cream to be unfit for consumption and will send it off to the lab (A freezer truck provided to Huss by Biff Kensington) for further inspection. Luckily, all of the fruit is fine to eat so you can have that for a snack instead while I go inspect the ice cream.

We will check back later to see how Kensington Enterprises fared with the kids at Disneyland.

Jobber is enjoying his guacamole as Big Dirty Murph rolls a blunt and sparks it off before slapping Barlow off of the back of the head. Jobber then asks the rest of his crew to leave the jobbers alone as they have a match. Barlow & Munson look surprised then head into the ring but that look changes to terror once they see their opponent.

Hoss w/ Biff Kensington vs. Trunk Barlow & Roth Munson

Hoss laughs and points at the duo in the ring, as does Biff and the rest of the Job Mob. Barlow & Munson charge but get clotheslined down as Jobber and the Job Mob laugh hysterically while passing around the blunt. Hoss picks up Munson and hits the Pants-Shitter then chokeslams him to the floor. Barlow struggles to get up and when he does Hoss boots him in the face then hits him with the Pants-Shitter before chokeslamming him down for the win. Now, Biff grabs the mic:

“In just six days at BoD Mania II, you will all see Hoss win the Money on the Table match. And I don’t care who he faces (looks over at Jobber) to get the belt because once he contract is in place and the match set, he is getting the strap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoss: WHEN I BECOME CHAMPION, I GET MORE ICE CREAM. I WILL BE THE CHAMPION AND GET ALL THE ICE CREAM AND NONE OF THAT HEALTH FOOD SHIT (points at Trunk Barlow) THIS WIMP MADE (Hoss then stomps the hands of Barlow, who cries in agony). TRY TO MAKE HEALTH FOOD NOW, AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Biff gets the mic back)

Today, we are putting the BoD on notice. Whoever is the champ coming out of BoD Mania II is going to pay a visit to the ice cream and its not going to be healthy!!!!! (Biff & Hoss use a maniacal laugh as the Job Mob are taken aback by the monster that Biff Kensington has created.)

Assitant GM and Vice President of Operations and Paper Goods, Justice Gray, comes out to name the first fifteen competitors in the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal:

Andy PG
“Happening” Harry Broadhurst
Dean Andrews
Rockstar Gary
Average Joe Everyman
Beard Money
The Brazilian Psycho
White Goodman
Jose Gomez
Tommy Hall
TimeandtheRani
Nebb28
Garth Holmberg
Dock Muraco
Ripner Cabnit

Folks, the road to BoD Mania II is not always rosy. For some, its years of hardwork and pain. Lets see the road Biscuit has taken to get to BoD Mania II and a shot at the C-List Title.

We are at the Robbinsdale, MN VFW Post #494 for a pancake breakfast. Biscuit is here with a flask in the inside pocket of his vinyl jacket. Biscuit came here in his 1987 Buick Regal, which hit the 300,000 mile mark last week. The car doesn’t have heat but it does get him around where needed. The breakfast is a success has Biscuit’s peer raised him $102.33 for his trip to Los Angeles through the horseshoe tournament. Biscuit takes the cash and heads into his car, where he cracks open a road soda. Biscuit then looks into the camera:

“DBSM, I don’t have any fancy ex-Hollywood friends. And Steve Decker does not manage my fantasy baseball league, we have Verne from the Legion who handles that. And I don’t know what an Uber is but I do know this……………THEY DON’T COME OUT TO ROBBINSDALE!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN GO TO DAVE AND BUSTERS AND WEAR OVERSIZED TOP HATS BUT THAT WON’T MAKE YOU A CHAMPION. YOU DONT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. SLEEPING IN YOUR CAR AND WORKING SPOT SHOWS FOR HOT DOGS IS DOING WHAT IT TAKES. AND COME BoD MANIA II, YOU WILL BE LOOKING AT THE NEXT C-LIST CHAMPION. (Biscuit then pulls out a wad of napkins from his pocket and unwraps it to reveal a pancake and three sausage links he stole from the business). YOU SEE THIS, DBSM, THEY DO NOT SERVE THIS AT DAVE AND BUSTERS!!!!!!!!! (Takes a bite and tosses it out the window) I’LL BE BACK FOR THAT LATER

I know the suspense has been killing you all so here are the final 15 entrants in the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal.

Bobby
Mick
Dr. Facts
PhillipeTCA
“THE CATALYST” Chad Bryant
Jonathan Meisner
David
Mitch, the Godfather
Worst in the World
Phrederic
Rock Lobster
Danimal Crossing
Koko B. Flair
“Lukewarm” Mr. Justin B.
Steve Ferrari

Backstage, Marv Cresto and Burt Macklin are watching the “Chappelle Show” on their Hulu Plus. Paul Meekin comes back and puts down his yoga mat, very close to the wireless router. As he prepares for the downward dog position, he slips out and kicks a nearby cart that knocks into a shelf that had a bowling ball, which smashes the wireless router. The Hulu Plus feed is done. Marv and Burt go shithouse as they yell at Meekin, who says that his partner will have something to say about this. Art and Burt go look for the cord to plug into a laptop to watch the show but Meekin grabs it too for his DDP Yoga. It is now 2-1 in a tug-of-war for the internet cable but all of a sudden…………..HOLY SHIT……………….ITS MEEKIN’S PARTNER………………THE WASHINGTON STATE WOMANIZER HIMSELF…………….CALIBER WINFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!!! He now grabs the cable as he pulls and yanks the cord. Dancin’ Devin Harris joins Marv & Burt but now Night & X-Man help out MeekBuff. And here comes BoD Strikeforce and now opposite them are the RIPSHIT KILLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS A TAG TEAM TUG-O-WAR WITH AN INTERNET CABLE. WE HAVE TO END THE SHOW NOW THIS IS TOO INTENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But wait, GM Bayless sees this and now orders at BoD Mania II, we have a Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge!!!!!

“Marvelous” Matt Perri and Danielle are standing backstage.

Matt: “Well, our esteemed GM Bayless (snorts) told me to apologize for saying what I said last week that may have offended some people. I went one better, Mr. GM – I made a little video for everyone that DOESN’T suck. Press play, Danielle!”

We’re in what looks like a Law Office, Matt sits behind a desk, going through papers, when Danielle enters.

Danielle: “Excuse me, are you ‘Marvelous’ Matt Perri?”

Matt: (Perking up) “Just call me Marvelous.”

Danielle: “Well, my name is Beatrice Olivia Danielson, Marvelous.”

Matt: “Good name. Can I call you BOD for short?”

Danielle: “Of course.”

Matt: “What can I do for you, BOD?”

Danielle: “Well, Marvelous, I was at a party a few nights ago, and naturally, the subject turned to professional grappling, and….well….”

Matt: (Comes around and puts his hand on her shoulder) “It’s okay. I’m here to help.”

Danielle: “Well, they were talking about things, and I couldn’t tell whether those things sucked or not. As such, I didn’t know how to contribute to the conversation and it ruined my entire evening. I asked my good friend Dock Muraco about this, and he recommended you to help me. Can you help me, Marvelous?”

Matt: “Of course I can, BOD! Here’s the tough thing to wrap your head around – pretty much everything that people like suck. (Danielle is shocked.) It’s true! See, people feel the need to justify their investment of time or money in something by defending it even when it just sucks beyond all belief. They do this because they can’t stand the idea that they’re watching something that sucks, so they convince themselves that it doesn’t suck, or worse yet, that it’s ‘good enough’. This line of thinking is what prevents them from seeing the hurricane of sucktitude that has destroyed their lives.”

Danielle: “Fascinating.”

Matt: “Indeed. Here, let me give you an object lesson. (He turns the computer screen towards her.) I have two tabs open here. Let’s start with the first one, which is set to the WWE Network. I’m going to arrow over this one, what does that say?”

Danielle: “Chi-Town Rumble.”

Matt: (Beaming) “Correct! And when I arrow over it, we see the words ‘Flair’ and ‘Steamboat’ together. Now, let’s look at this one, which says ‘Royal Rumble 2015’, where we see the words ‘Roman Reigns’. Now, think critically here – which of these should you click on?”

Danielle: “Um…the Chi-Town Rumble.”

Matt: “Yes! Why is this?”

Danielle: “Because it has the words ‘Flair’ and ‘Steamboat’ in the description?”

Matt: “Correct again! And…..because the Royal Rumble 2015 sucks! You see?”

Danielle: “I think so. What you’re saying is that….you tell the truth about things that suck, so people hate you for it.”

Matt: “Sadly, this is true. It is my cross to bear.”

Danielle: “But you’re a hero! You stop people from liking things that suck, right?”

Matt: “I try. (He puts his head down and sniffles.) Unfortunately, some people aren’t ready to be shown that what they like sucks, and that makes it a lonely life to educate those who are determined to deny the suckening of so much. It can wear on a soul, but I have to do it…..for the children.”

Danielle: (Tears in her eyes.) “You are the bravest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Thank you for teaching me about things that suck. Words cannot express how my life has been enriched by your mere existence.”

Matt: “Well, if words can’t express it…..”

Music swells in the background as Matt winks at the camera and we cut to black.

Matt and Danielle are laughing hysterically when we return to them.

Matt: “Come on, you idiots! You didn’t really think I’d apologize for telling you the truth about the things you love sucking, did you? Allow me to correct your sucky thinking, morons – I will be here to tell you how much all your shit sucks ass for a LONG time to come. And come BoD Mania, I will walk into my match with the Writer’s title, and I’ll walk out (After a match that DOESN’T suck) with the Writer’s title. Which will probably suck for all of you, but I really don’t give a crap. You think Stranger can beat me? Come on, no one’s seen him for MONTHS! I bet he sucks. I bet he comes to the ring and looks like Sting at Starrcade levels of suck. So suck on that, BoD. Come on, Danielle. Let’s go to Krispy Kreme. Why Krispy Kreme? Because Dunkin’ Donuts sucks!”

We’re at a funeral home with Hartkiller.

Salesman: “Can I help you?”

Hartkiller: “Yeah, I need a coffin for a friend’s brother. (He dumps out a bunch of crumpled ones on the counter) Hang on a sec, I grabbed the money after I beat up the stripper, but I didn’t have time to count it…..”

Salesman: “Sir, I -“

Hartkiller: “You know what, I’d rather keep this and get a burrito. How about this – If I give you like, say, 12 bucks, can you take a long cardboard box and write a giant letter ‘G’ on the front of it? That’ll be good enough.”

Salesman: (Looks horrified.)

Hartkiller: (Laughing) “I’m just messing with you, dude! These people can’t afford to bury the guy anyway. I assume they’ll just eat him or something. (Still laughing) Take care, man.”

The scene shifts to a football field, where Robert Davis and the rest of the Riverdale Covenant stand in the end zone, sans the still missing Archie Stackhouse. Davis has a mic.

Robert Davis: So, we finally come to our reckoning, our apocalypse. Let me tell you a story, BoD. I was lost and looking for salvation, for purpose, and I thought I had finally been found. I thought I had been found by a man who would lead me to become the best version of myself, a man who would value me as a colleague and a friend, a true leader to follow. What I got instead was a charlatan, a liar, a low to the ground beast named Bayless. And then, he came. Archie. He showed me that my world lay within me, that the salvation I did seek through approval was within mine own self. (Davis starts to run his hands up and down Jughead.) He showed me that Robert Davis would have his revenge only when he knew that he could achieve it. (Davis whirls around and LEVELS Reggie with Jughead! Reggie goes down in a pool of blood.) This is what awaits the Administration! This is your ending, Administration – a bloody carcass with me standing over you. And as for you, Bayless, (Davis grabs the camera with his bloody hands) as for you, the only thing that you’ll be doing is begging me to break more of your bones to somehow redirect the pain from your split and bleeding skull. And I’ll hear you beg for that mercy, and I’ll laugh, I’ll give the greatest gales of laughter that you’ve ever heard as I watch you cower. (He turns to Nebb, who hands him a lighter. Davis flips it on and tosses it to the ground. We go to a wide shot and we see the field is lit up with the words: STACKHOUSE LIVES in flames. In the background, we hear the Covenant in unison:) WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME….TO RIVERDALE!”

We’re in the locker room with the Upper Midcard Express. Petuka grabs the mic from kbjone.

Petuka: “Thank you very much! Now that I am in my rightful place in the Money on the Table match, it’s only a matter of time before I, John Petuka, inventor and master of the PETUKA BAZOOKA, will win the Money on the Table match and ascend to the top of the BoD! And it wouldn’t have been possible without my beloved assistant, kbjone! Let’s give him a hand! Now-” (kbjone grabs the mic from his hands)

Kbjone: “Hey, John, I’m glad we worked our issues out, but I’m in the match too, and I intend to win it.” (Petuka stares him down, cold as ice, and laughs, grabbing the mic back.)

Petuka: “Heh, this guy! Such a kidder. (He ruffles kbjone’s hair, who doesn’t seem to appreciate it.) Look, I know that we worked things out, but let’s face it – in every team, there needs to be a Shawn and a Marty, and we all know who Shawn is here, amIright? Now that we’ve got that straight, I’ve got a few things to say about The Fuj. Let me tell you something, Fuj – your time has passed. What are you, a hundred now? At least, that’s how old you looked in your last match. After Janetty here assists me in winning-“

Kbjone just KNOCKED the mic out of Petuka’s hand! They’re nose to nose! And here they go! Punches, slamming into lockers, the Upper Midcard Express is at each other’s throats!

GM Bayless is sitting in his office with Justice Gray, having just seen Robert Davis’ video.

Bayless: “Is Bill Ray ready?”

Gray: “Out training now, Boss.”

Bayless: “Did Rockstar Gary get that damned jacket out of the locker room?”

Gray: “I told him to, but he said it was gone before he got there. Probably thieves or something.”

Bayless looks deep in thought, clearly disturbed by this news.

Bayless: “You seen Baker?”

Gray: “Last I saw him, he was taking a bunch of different colors of Sharpies to the local Toys ‘R Us to draw penises on the Brock Lesnar action figures so parents wouldn’t buy their kids a doll of a ‘lazy fucktard’. Why?”

Bayless: “Get him for me.”

And now it’s time for ‘Welcome to the BOD’! But first, here’s….GM Bayless?

Bayless: Look, normally I wouldn’t care about these two idiots, but both of them came to me separately and asked, instead of fighting it out for the Farva battle royale spot, to just tear each other apart instead. And since I’m a man of the people, I give you what you want – so at BoDMania, we’re going to have Abeyance and Cultstatus in a STREET FIGHT! Ladies and gentlemen, Abeyance!”

And the crowd is NOT happy with Abeyance after last week, as he’s being booed out of the building, and he’s eating it up with a spoon, shit-eating grin on his face. He gets to the ring where ‘Welcome to the BOD’ is set up. He grabs his mic.

Abeyance: “Welcome to the BoD!”

Crowd: “Fuck you!”

Abeyance: “You’re welcome!”

Crowd: “Eat shit!”

Abeyance: “You guys are pretty passionate tonight! I wonder what would have happened if you cared this much when I was SCREWED OUT OF MY TITLE SHOT!”

Crowd: “Screw you!”

Abeyance: “Alright, adult is talking now, so pay attention. I left thebraziliankid at home, because he doesn’t need to be a part of this. Last week, I had the chance to get into the Money on the Table match, but someone ruined it. Let’s go to the tape, shall we?”

The video from last week rolls, with Abeyance yelling for the tag from Cult, and Cult ignoring him, all set to ‘Tell me a Lie’ for some odd reason. Finally, we see the ending, with Cult finally going for the tag and Abeyance leaving him out to dry.

Abeyance: (laughing) “Man, that never gets old. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let’s bring out the man who will argue any point, the contrarian curmudgeon, the man who loves to hate everything about all that you do, Cultstatus!”

The crowd goes NUTS as Cultstatus appears at the top of the ramp, with a slight but noticeable limp. He stares down Abeyance as he walks to the ring, never taking his eyes off Abeyance. Abeyance still with the big grin on his face as Cult enters the ring.

Abeyance: “Cult, my friend, how are you doing tonight?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “Cult? Cult? You okay in there, Cult?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “Okay, I’ll talk. You can just listen, okay? Play the big tough guy, right?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “You know, Cult, I always liked you. You may have disagreed with people just to disagree, but I dug that about you! Just like I liked everyone else, right? (He indicates the crowd, who start chanting ‘KILL CULT KILL’) Yep, just like that. So I played along and got ahead a little more, because Cult, what you never understood is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, right big guy?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “I was okay with playing along, Cult. I really was. And I was really ready to help out last week, to work together as a team and win that match! I really was. But you, Cult, you were SELFISH. You knew that Abeyance would overshadow you, that he would prove to be the superior athlete, so you decided to try to one-up me, didn’t you, Cult? How’d that work out for you, Cult? How’s that knee?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “You could have been a partner, Cult. But now, Cult, now I have to prove a point to you and rest of the BoD. I have to show you that being a nice guy didn’t get me anywhere, but beating the crap out of a guy like you will. So I’m sorry that it has to be you, but in another way I’m not, you know?”

Cult: (Staring)

Abeyance: “Well, this has been a productive use of my time, Cult. Let me leave you with this last thought – you’re nothing to me, Cult. You want to kick my ass, but I only want to use you to get ahead. You wouldn’t believe how LITTLE I think of you as anything more than a stepping stone for my car-” CULTSTATUS LEVELS ABEYANCE! And here we go! Cultstatus clotheslines Abeyance over the top rope and gives chase! Abeyance is trying to escape through the crowd, but it looks like Cult will catch him – whip to the railing! Cultstatus has a chair, big swing with it misses! Rights from Abeyance – Abeyance with the DDT on the floor! Cult POPS BACK UP! OH MY! Lefts from Cult, rights from Abeyance, and here come the referees to separate them!

Cultstatus: “I’m gonna make you bleed your own blood, you bastard!”

Abeyance: “Welcome to the BoD, bitch! Your ass is mine!”

And here it is folks, the main event……………..contract signing. Vinson and Jobber head into the ring.
The Job Mob follow. Jobber wants to make this quick and goes ahead and signs the contract as he wants to leave. He does and Vinson goes to sign but wait a minute, the Job Mob run back in and go to attack Vinson but he fights back. Jobber runs inside after grabbing a chair but here comes Adam Curry, Kyle Warne, and Cabspaintedyellow!!!!!! They go right after the Job Mob as Zanatude grabs the belts and bails. Vinson and Jobber are now toe-to-toe but Murph and Chartock pull Jobber out to safety before anything happens. Vinson yells at him to come back inside but Jobber points to his belt. Curry then calls the Job Mob Motherfuckers before accepting the challenge for the 6 Man Titles. We are out of time. See us next Monday for…………BoD MANIA II

BoD Mania II

Jef Vinson vs. Jobber (c) – BoD World Title
Cultstatus vs. Abeyance
Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer (c) – BoD Solid B+ Player Title
Stranger in the Alps vs. Matt Perri (c) – BoD Writer’s Championship
Curtzerker vs. Midcard Mafia (c) – BoD Tag Team Titles
Biscuit vs. DBSM (c) – BoD C-List Title
Bill Ray vs. Robert Davis – If Ray wins, Riverdale Covenant joins the Authority, if Davis wins, GM Bayless loses his GM title.
BoD Money on the Table Match (The Fuj, GM Bayless, Hoss, kbjone, John Petuka, Joe Dust)
Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal
Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge

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