WCW Saturday Night: December 7, 1996

Pneumonia’s no fun, but WCW Saturday Night is! At least sometimes. Well, occasionally. Whatever the case, it’s better than pneumonia! Off to the Cyborg Factory.

TONY SCHIAVONE and DUSTY RHODES can’t WAIT but to talk about the MATCH OF THE DECADE between Piper and Hogan, which will top the MATCH OF THE DECADE between Savage and Hogan last month. Also, Dusty is eternally confused by Sting, Woman, and Benoit. Like, together?

Where the hell has Parker been for like 10 months? Is Lt. James okay? Will the State Patrol re-unite, or has there been a change in management at the old USA Police Station? And is Jack Boot secretly Buddy Lee’s evil twin brother? It’s like nWo Sting, on a Worldwide level of controversy. Dusty makes a bold prediction: Jericho’s on the doorstep of stardom. There are nuggets of wisdom under those chins. Jericho hits Sweet Chin Music to send Jack Boot Parker to the floor, and follows with a plancha. Back in, a hot shot changes EVERYTHING. To the point Tony starts comparing the Sarge to Roddy Piper. I’m not kidding. A kneedrop leads to a headlock, but Jericho’s out quickly and hits a release German. Spinning heel kick is followed by the Lionsault, but Jericho stops to yell “COME ON BAYBEEE!” Missile dropkick finishes at 4:17. That match was shockingly froot. **

TONY SCHIAVONE interviews Jericho, stopping him before he hits the pay windah. That’s rude. Jericho says WCW is not going to sit down and take this nWo invasion lightly, and as soon as WCW nominates a leader, he’ll stand behind them. Ok, so Hall fired the first shots over 6 months ago, and WCW hasn’t taken the time to nominate a leader. What do you guys talk about in the locker room?

The Canadians stop everyone to sing the National Anthem, and they’re actually on point with the music. Big steps, which are lost when Tony Schavione can’t SHUT UP. These Quebecers from 1996 are completely wrong; but I guess you can’t have them demonizing Canada while waving the Quebec flag because the politics of separation might be lost on the crowd at Diznee. Make no mistake though; if they’d walked out in Canada carrying around a poster of Jacques Parizeau and Lucien Bouchard, they’d draw more heat than this Rusev/Putin thing today, I kid you not. Quebec Crash wins at 2:09. *

The crew is halted by TONY SCHIAVONE. Colonel Parker is now “Ker-nelle Par-kerre”, doing his best French impression of someone doing a French impression. Kernelle promises the whole world will be Parlez Vous Francais by the time they’re done. Done what?

Who did I upset? I’m REALLY sorry. Please don’t do this. Awww hell, nobody dies on the way to the ring, this is happening. Belly to belly overhead starts matters for Rick, while Tony reminds us about 800 times that Roddy Piper is not a part of WCW’s roster. Good to know he’s the man charged with saving WCW in that case. Meanwhile, Dusty starts speculatin’ on Sting’s gameplan. He decides it’s mysterious. Steinerline finishes at 2:24. DUD

In a segment I typically ignore in these recaps, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND pimps his hotline. Today’s big news, an “Icon” might be “Calling It Quits” and “Going Elsewhere”. Well, if that’s true, it’s unfortunate, and we’ll all miss the Booty Man.

If you’ve seen one Saturday Night match with Kevin Sullivan, you’ve seen them all. Toss over the guardrail, toss into the ringsteps, toss into the ringsteps, Jimmy Hart cackle, toss into the ringsteps, double stomp in the belly welly, win at 1:41. DUD

The winners are invited to a chat with TONY SCHIAVONE, and Sullivan immediately starts in on Benoit. Tony stops him because he’s been handed another MYSTERIOUS TAPE that they’re just dying to play RIGHT NOW.

It’s a home video of WOMAN and CHRIS BENOIT. They’re sipping wine, and Woman’s giggling about the fact she’s not with her parents or in the Keys. She warned Kevin to stop hurting Benoit in Baltimore and one more shot meant it was over. And by over, she means over sista. She reminds Kevin that it’s not the 50’s, she has the right to vote and drive, and she’ll do what she wants whenever she wants. Benoit laughs that he hasn’t made any of the same mistakes Sullivan made, and it’s time he got some sense kicked into him. He brags about being the best chess player, but Benoit bishop just took Sullivan’s queen. NOT REMOTELY UNCOMFORTABLE. (I was initially going to insert a screencap here of how incredibly creepy this entire thing was in retrospect of … well, everything, but I realized there are some people who probably would prefer not to see it – so I’ve linked it here instead and you can choose.)

Back to the live arena, Sullivan’s eyes are welled up, and he bolts.

John Blitz is a fantastic wrestling name. In fact, I’m a big fan of the light blue lightning bolt down the side, and am completely disgusted at the ease Jarrett wipes the floor with him – including lying across the top ropes like a hammock. Tony spews his love for Jeff Jarrett, because of respect, tradition, family, 1905! Of course, Jarrett’s wrestling the entire match like a heel, but that’s just history! Speaking of history, John Blitz. 🙁 … figure four at 3:35. *1/2

RIC FLAIR and TONY SCHIAVONE hook up to promote the upcoming Nitro in Charlotte. He declares that Piper’s a man. Did he peak under the kilt to confirm? Together, they’ll walk the aisle! Different strokes.

Even though I’ve seen the commercial dozens of times, this one still slays me every time.

Now I’m amped! I even get pre-recorded comments! Concerning Hall and Nash, they grunt a lot. That’s fantastic. Dusty: “Tony I need to correct you a moment, you said the belts belong with the Faces of Fear, well that’s not true. They belong with the better team, the winners if you will. And that is not High Voltage.” That was an incredibly mean spirited burn; you’re alright Dusty Rhodes. Barbarian beats the tar out of Kenny Kaos. He desperately tags Rage, but Barbarian doesn’t care, he keeps beating up Kaos anyway. Rage tries to double team Barbarian, so he just clotheslines both of them. The price tag of that disrespectful attack is Meng – who promptly beats Rage into the mat. Barbarian comes back in to choke Rage, which draws a stern warning from the referee. Meng chops Rage in the corner, showing no rage of his own, just business. A bored spike piledriver gets 2 – only saved by a diving Kaos. That’s cool, Barbarian has a powerbomb with his name all over it. Kaos saves again. Dude, you trying to cripple your partner? Barbarian punches Kaos in the face just cuz, and drags Kaos back to the corner of Fear for more pain. Now Meng hits him with a sitdown powerbomb, which Kaos saves, so Barbarian clotheslines him in the face. Wonderful. Rage finally gets to his corner, but can’t find Kaos, so he dives off the top, right into a Kick of Fear from Meng for the win at 4:55. I cannot get enough of this stuff. ***

Over on nWo Saturday Night … we have a repeat challenger!

Height: 6’1”

Weight: 299 lbs.

Reach: 32”

Fist: 18”

Hometown: Chattanooga, TN

Pro Record: 99-76

Doughboy look-a-like winner

The largest small man in wrestling

Pistol Pez was last seen just two weeks ago on the November 23 edition of Saturday Night. In fact, he’s introduced as the only person to ever come back for more. Bagwell is defending the US title here for god knows what reason, and is also peeling off his shirt for all the “young teeny bops” out there. Your ring announcers are the OUTSIDERS, SYXX is the ring announcer, and DOCTOR X has been given referee duties – further proof he could NOT be Nick Patrick as Patrick has been MIA for ages. Bagwell flexes, which Nash calls a “nice double bichat”. He turns around to show off his back, and Hall gushes over those lats. Whatley gets in a scoop slam, and poses – which upsets everyone involved because this is an nWo segment. Bagwell launches him into the buckles, which causes deep vertebrae trauma. A swinging neckbreaker is all she wrote at 3:10. Nash congratulates Bagwell on his 1-0 winning streak. Whatley goes over to the Outsiders to ask if he’s getting paid, and Nash vows it’s in the mail.

Taylor nearly chokes on the Saturday Night smoke machine, angrily waving it away as he makes his way through the door. He should have given it a European Uppercut. DDP is on a hot-streak, and I’m FAIRLY sure he’s only lost one match since May (to Guerrero at the Clash) – so it’s unfortunate that he’s been put in this unwinnable position against Taylor. The Squire wrings the arm, but Page reverses and throws some shoulder blocks. Dusty notes, for the first time amongst the announcers, that the fans are actually cheering DDP. Tony figures it’s the Diamond Cutter that’s won them over. Page hits a backdrop suplex for 2, and that’s enough for Taylor, who throws TWO European uppercuts! Then a third! Sweet mother of God, how is Page expected to win let alone LIVE? The referee starts admonishing Taylor for the uppercuts, but Taylor makes a clear demonstration that those were hands, not closed fists, repeating it slowly for the dimwitted ref. A boot to the face sets up a vertical suplex – and it looks like Taylor’s got this match in hand. A fourth European uppercut is launched like a missile, and there is no stopping this English-bred machine. But then – Taylor grabs a TV from ringside, and it EXPLODES! That allows DDP to hit the pancake, and finish with the Diamond Cutter at 6:06. **

TONY SCHIAVONE has a nagging question on his mind about Page and the nWo. Page figures he should be flattered since the nWo’s biggest current recruits are Sting and Page, but he’s not. He works better when he wants to do something, not when he’s told. What he wants is the US title.

Regal takes issue with the smoke machine much like his compadre – but more importantly he has a big problem with a large number of the fans in the front row; so much so that he stops to lecture several of them, one at a time. It’s the little details that made Regal; hell, even today he still has that range as evidenced by his facial expressions on the NXT post-show last Thursday. Arn works an armlock, but Regal escapes and pops up with a big smirk on his face – only to have it knocked off with a short arm clothesline. He makes a face like he bit into a bad lemon. The ring announcer notes that 5 minutes have already lapsed, which is an impressive feat in only 2 minutes. Regal pokes Arn in the eye, and promptly denies it when questioned. Regal throws a European uppercut, but Arn comes back with an abdominal stretch. No leverage tonight because he’s not a heel. Regal escapes and throws some palm thrusts to Anderson’s face. Arn fires back with a huge right, and gets a close 2. Regal sweeps out the legs, and quickly locks on a crossface – with the occasional palm thrust to the ear. Yowch! Hold released, Regal throws another European uppercut, spears him, and re-applies a crossface with additional palm thrusts. That ear’s got a future as a cauliflower. Arn wiggles loose, and starts throwing wild haymakers, but one European uppercut takes him right back to the mat. The Regal Stretch is applied, but not fully because Anderson is fighting, and Arn makes the ropes. Regal pops up and stomps him repeatedly. To the floor, one minute left is announced, and that seems to wake Arn up. Back in, Anderson punts Regal in the face and goes for a quick DDT, but Regal blocks. A spinebuster puts Regal down … and time runs out at 8:01. Awesome old school brawl. ***1/2

Time is legitimately up, as Tony ushers us off the air. No Worldwide tomorrow? That’s AWFUL! So we’ll shuffle off to WCW Monday Piper, and go about our business. G’night!