The PG Era Rant: Raw, 12.01.14

The PG Era Rant for Raw, December 1,
2014.

Your Pre-Show information:

Live from Tulsa, OK.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL, and
Jerry Lawler.

A look back at last week’s breather
episode and main event.

And we open with an email. And He
Quotes: he’s back. He’s the perfect person for what the WWE needs
right now. You can’t trust washed-up Superstars, so instead we…

…you know what, John Cena finally
proves to be the lesser of two evils as he comes out to interrupt.
Even JBL is happy at this development. John, why are you wearing
pink after October? Cena says he loves nothing about Mr. 4chan over
there – but he’s just like Brock Lesnar, never showing up. But
Cena’s here, the fans are here, and the Authority isn’t here tonight.
He recaps the Survivor Series main event as he does, and says they
proved what being a WWE Superstar means. So why did everyone risk
everything? Well…

…anyway, Anonyswoggle interrupts, so
Cena tells Cole to step aside and closes the laptop.

But if you thought the interruptions
were done, here comes Seth Rollins with security instead. Rollins
wants to give Cena a hand for being ultra-talented at so many things:
bad jokes, waving his hand in front of his face, getting half the
crowd to hate him… (that last one actually prompts a You Sold Out
chant instead of the dueling Cena chants). But he’s really great at
taking credit from others. Cena didn’t win at Survivor Series – in
fact, Rollins eliminated Cena. And he would’ve won it all if Sting
didn’t step in.

Cena counters: it wasn’t Sting, it was
Dolph Ziggler. Cena isn’t taking credit; he’s going to give credit
to Ziggler for kicking the Authority out. Rollins changes the
subject to: is WWE better off now? (Crowd: YES!) All that hard work
the Cena team did and now 4chan is in charge? Who’s next, JBL?
(Crowd wouldn’t mind that.) How about Batista? (Crowd’s less than
enthused.) What’s Eric Bischoff doing? (Crowd’s torn.) The point
is: the WWE has become a guessing game where your effort from one
week disappears the next. Cena tells him to get to the point, and
it’s this: Cena says it’s the fans’ show, but what’s best for
everyone is what’s Best For Business™. So before the show falls
apart, Cena has to put HHH back in charge.

Cena doesn’t like being ordered around
and says Rollins’ trump card (the Authority) is gone, and they ain’t
coming back. It used to be that Rollins could do whatever he wants,
but now he’s just a guy with a golden briefcase who has to prove it.
So Rollins has to ask him. Nicely.

Cena tries to stampede the email tone,
but instead it’s announced that Cena/Rollins will be a Table match at
TLC – with the stipulation that if Cena loses, his match with
Lesnar will be pulled. Cena turns around in disgust, Rollins jumps
him from behind, and out comes Kane to chokeslam Cena down. Rollins
brings out the table, but this brings out Ryback to make the save and
clean house. Kane stops him with a chair, but now Erick Rowan is
next into the ring. What is this, the Royal Rumble? Rowan boots
Kane down and turns the tide, but now Big Show enters to stop that.
Show kicks Rowan out of the ring and picks up the steps, ramming them
into Rowan’s face. Dolph Ziggler is next out, leveraging Show into
the post and grabbing a ladder. But Luke Harper appears and smashes
Ziggler with the ladder repeatedly. Meanwhile, in the ring, Rollins
sets the table up as Cena is being held by J&J. Cena escapes,
though, and gets Rollins, but Harper intercepts and Show knocks Cena
out. Noble, Mercury, and Rollins then Shieldbomb Cena through the
table.

Medical
personnel are helping everyone up and to the back as we find out
about two matches for later: Rowan v. Show and Harper/Kane/Rollins v.
Cena/Ryback/Ziggler.

It’s
going to be Kofi and Langston. Kofi and Stardust start, and Kofi
comes out with a dropkick. Stardust with a forearm and monkey flip,
but Kofi lands on his feet and dropkicks Stardust. Goldust in and he
doesn’t do much better. Stinger Splash by Kofi into a lariat by
Langston for two. Goldust clips Langston, and Stardust rakes the
back. Sliding kick by Stardust, but Kofi tags himself in and it’s a
Big Ending DDT combo to win at 1:37. The move is called the Midnight
Hour.

Tag Team Turmoil, continued.
We return with Kofi getting gutwrenched by Cesaro. Kidd in, and
Kofi gets kicked hard. Kidd chokes out Kofi on the bottom rope, then
it’s a snapmare and chinlock. Kidd switches to a slam and jogs
around to celebrate, but Kofi with a rana out of nowhere, hot tag
Langston. Greco-Roman throw to Kidd, then an Ultimate Splash.
Cesaro stops the Big Ending, both heels are on the apron and get
bowled off by Langston, and Kofi is alley-ooped onto both men. Back
in, Springboard clothesline, but the Dusts attack Woods and Kidd gets
a cradle with tights for the pin at 8:12. Really?

Jimmy
goes after Cesaro off the bell, but he runs into an overhead suplex.
Jimmy dodges a charge and floors Cesaro, following up with a Rikishi
hip check for two. Jey in with an axhandle to the arm, but Cesaro
takes over and Kidd enters by choking away. They muck up an Irish
Whip, and in the chaos, Cesaro tags himself in and gets a Northern
Lariat. German suplex by Cesaro for two as we go to another break.

Tag Team Turmoil, continued,
again.
Cesaro to the chinlock as we’ve had more ad time than match time
during this match as of right now. Jey tries to fight out, but
Cesaro catches him with a powerbomb for two. Jey tosses Cesaro, but
Kidd comes in with a lariat that hurts himself and leads to the hot
tag to Jimmy. Uppercut and elevated Samoan Drop by Jimmy leads to a
two-count, Cesaro saves. Jey and Cesaro leave via Cactus
clothesline, but Natalya holds Kidd from Jimmy. Apron kick by Kidd,
but Code Blue runs into a superkick. Jey with the Superfly Splash
for the elimination at 16:14. JBL says they’re the #1 contenders,
but there’s one more…

Rose
sends the Express to the back as he starts, but Jey cuts him off with
a cradle for two. Rose cuts off a blind charge and gets elbows and a
spinebuster for two (as Naomi is watching backstage, being Jimmy’s
wife and all). Bunny tags himself in as it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN
TULSA! Rose and Bunny argue, so Jimmy shoves them into each other
and tries a superplex on Bunny. Bunny stops that and gets a sunset
flip bomb for two. Rose tags himself in now, and Bunny seems to have
finally had it. Rose bullies him away, allowing the superkick and
big splash on Rose for the finish at 19:11. Too much ad time. *3/4
Meanwhile, Miz and Sandow say they’re looking forward to seeing
Naomi in the ring. Oh, and they love the way she twerks. He tries
to hook her up with a producer.

Vince
McMahon is here!

Slammy
Awards next week, hosted by Seth Green. (Hey, that could work – he
did well last time he hosted.)

Mr.
Phillips interviews Erick Rowan. He doesn’t regret targeting Big
Show. It turns out Rowan is a Mensa person, a guitarist, and a
vintner. But why target Big Show? “He’s a bully.” And he
completed a Rubik’s Cube during the interview.

Big
Show is out next and says, yes, he IS a bully. Because he can. He
has to be – everyone betrays him. He says the fans sold out on
him. He doesn’t care about earning respect, just about hurting
people. He’s ready to show what a mean, nasty giant he is.

Big Show v. Erick Rowan.
It’s a massive war to start, as Rowan punches down Big Show and gets
him to bail. The chase is on, but Rowan runs into a clothesline back
in the ring. Show works the arm, then just strikes Rowan down. He
casually kicks away at Rowan, keeping him down. The kicks and taunts
continue, snuffing out a Rowan comeback and CLUBBERIN, THEY BE
CLUBBERIN TONY. Show chokes Rowan down and gets a short-arm lariat.
Cobra clutch is applied as JBL keeps trying to get “Big Red” over
as a nickname for Rowan. Rowan fights out and floors Show with
tackles and an avalanche. He sends Show to the floor with a
clothesline and follows on the outside, but Show sends Rowan into the
steps. Show grabs the stairs and uses them for the DQ at 4:19. That
was just boring. DUD

Vince
almost says something to the Exotic Express before Renee Young
interviews him. He’s happy, because he’ll be on the WWE Network
podcast with Steve Austin. He reminds us that only John Cena can
bring the Authority back. But he’s more concerned about the podcast.

So,
on the WWE App, will it be Natalya, Naomi, or Alicia teaming with AJ
Lee against the Bellas?

Fandango v. Jack Swagger.
Wait a minute, Swagger doesn’t enter. It turns out Zeb Colter was
ambushed and someone messed up his leg. So Swagger forfeits the
match via no-show, since he’s busy checking on Colter. Now Rusev and
Lana are headed to the ring as Fandango and Rosa celebrate outside.

Lana
has the mic and tells us to shut up with the USA chant already.
She’s furious about how Rusev was ordered to take the Pledge – some
freedom country this is! But Rusev bravely refused and was punished
with the Battle Royal on SmackDown. But he won that, because
everyone failed. Rusev then takes the mic and says he crushes the
challengers… and those who don’t listen, more or less claiming
responsibility for injuring Colter. Rusev and Lana then pledge
allegiance to the Russian flag.

And
now Swagger, who clearly heard Rusev’s confession, storms the ring
and takes it to Rusev right away. Rusev wins a slugfest, but both
men go tumbling out of the ropes and Rusev eats barricade over and
over. Seventy million refs try to keep them apart, but it ain’t
working. Rusev finally escapes and heads to the back as Swagger is
so furious he’s practically in tears.

Damien Mizdow v. Epico El
Matador.
During the Pre-Show, El Torito interrupted an interview with Miz, so
we get this match. Epico with a snapmare and crucifix for one, but
Mizdow gets a single-leg for one. Epico’s blind charges hits elbow,
but Epico with a rana and dropkick for one. He works the arm as Miz
talks about Naomi’s talent on commentary. Mizdow headbutts out,
getting a backslide for two. Epico with a leaping clothesline for
two. Back to the armbar. Blind charge by Epico misses and Mizdow
gets the comeback with the Million Dollar Neckbreaker. Epico escapes
a full nelson and gets a sunset flip try, but Mizdow reverses to the
Figure Four for the submission at 2:24. I have nothing wrong with
this match. 3/4*
Jimmy Uso comes out and slaps Miz upside the head for the bit with
Naomi earlier.

Jimmy
Uso and The Miz will be your Main Event main event.

R-Truth v. Bray Wyatt.
Truth loses a slugfest to Wyatt, who headbutts him down. Wyatt
chops away, then gets a Hammer Throw and rebound clothesline. Wyatt
demands Dean Ambrose come out during the match, but he has to go back
to beating up Truth with another Hammer Throw. Wyatt with a cravat
on Truth as he screams about how Dean doesn’t want this. He switches
up to a slam, but the running senton misses. Truth with a leg lariat
to take over, and the Lie Detector connects. Axe kick misses, and
Bray with a standing uranage. To the apron, and Bray clubs Truth
down onto it. Back in, he taunts Truth and does the INVERTED LOOK OF
DOOM into a crabwalk. Sister Abigail’s Kiss ends it at 4:23. Truth
getting in offense was not smart, but this was more or less a squash.
1/4*
Bray decides to prove a point by tossing chairs into the ring (Truth
has been aided to the back) and screams for Ambrose to show up. A
ladder comes out next, and he looks for more as we go to break.

We
return with Bray Wyatt telling us the Bible story of Jacob’s Ladder.
In the story, God was atop the ladder, telling Jacob how to bring
Israel to Paradise. But, Bray Wyatt has his own Ladder – he
ascends it and laughs at the creatures God has created. He sees all
creatures as insects, just like Dean Ambrose. He sees the tables,
ladders, and chairs (Crowd: Oh my!).

Before
he can continue, Dean Ambrose interrupts. He yanks Bray out of the
ring and the fight is on. After a while, Bray gets the edge, but
Ambrose bounces off the barricade and slams Wyatt into the announce
table. Ambrose headbutts Bray into a gooey paste and gets another
ladder. The usual suspects try to stop Ambrose, but they just
succeed in stalling him long enough for Bray to escape the table. So
Ambrose runs the tables after him. He brawls Bray all the way to the
aisle, where officials finally get between them as Bray gets some
space. Ambrose wrecks Bray’s rocking chair to a big ovation as Bray,
for the first time in his career, seems emotionally hurt.

Nikki Bella and Brie Bella v. AJ
Lee and Naomi (48%).
AJ is knocked off the apron, so Nikki starts with Naomi with a
suplex for one. She dropkicks the knee and gets a facebuster, then
adds a boot choke. Brie in, and she connects with the running knee
for two. Brie with a running uppercut, and Nikki’s in to get a
two-count. Crowd chants for you know who as Nikki gets a chinlock.
Crowd then FINALLY chants for AJ herself as Naomi bridges out, only
to get yanked down by the hair. Naomi flips out of a suplex, hot tag
AJ. Nikki with a Stinger Splash and neckbreaker, and Brie is sent
flying. Tornado DDT by AJ gets two, Brie saves. Naomi dropkicks
Nikki, but Brie dumps Naomi. AJ dumps Brie, and the Shining Wizard
hits Nikki. Black Widow ends it at 3:25. Perfectly Acceptable
Wrestling. *
Nikki doesn’t want Brie’s sympathy as they leave.

Santa
Foley shills WWEShop with Noelle dressed as an elf.

SmackDown
will feature Rusev facing Dean Ambrose in a non-title match.

Ladies
and gentlemen, the man joining you via satellite’s name is Paul
Heyman. First, he laughs at Cena’s comment on Brock’s absenteeism
and says Brock is too special to be around all the time. Brock is
too can’t-miss and must-see to be around all the time. Brock will
beat him so badly he wishes it was SummerSlam… assuming Cena’s even
the #1 contender. Is it Seth Rollins? The Undertaker (if you can
find him)? Sting (which is a retirement match in waiting)?
Everybody at once? It’s simple: Brock Lesnar IS the Authority,
because he has the gold and the power. And second… uh, there is no
second. That’s it.

Main event: John Cena, Dolph
Ziggler, and Ryback v. Seth Rollins, Kane, and Luke Harper.
Harper and Cena start (Rollins loudly declines). Cena takes over on
Harper, getting a Hammer Throw and clothesline for one. Running back
elbow, and he drags Rollins in and puts the STF on him. Harper
breaks (not like it would’ve mattered) and rakes the nose, but Cena
with a belly-to-belly for two. Dolph in, and he and Cena do a double
dropkick to Harper for two. Rude Awakening try is blocked, and
Harper jabs the throat of Dolph before Kane comes in with an
uppercut. Dolph stops the momentum and tags in Ryback as the crowd
is buzzing for it. Crowd chants Feed Me More during the slugfest,
which Kane seems to win before Ryback gets a Thesz Press and mat
slams. “Stupid” Splash gets one. Harper tags himself in and
jabs away at Ryback, adding a headbutt. Ryback reverses and kicks
away in the corner, and a corner whip only leads to the Meathook for
one. Ryback with a front chancery, but Harper fights out and Rollins
comes in to pick up the bones. He punches away at the midsection of
Ryback, and Harper comes in. But Ryback reverses and chops away,
only for Harper to re-reverse. A suplex battle goes Ryback’s way
(eventually) as we go to break.

Main event, continued.
We come back with a suplex by Ryback for two. Dolph in, but Harper
slugs him down and escapes to bring in Kane. He slugs Dolph down in
the corner, but Dolph leaps up his back and gets a sleeper. Kane
backs him into the corner to break. Dolph with a dropkick to the
knee on Kane, then a Stinger Splash. Kane goes for the chokeslam,
but Dolph escapes only to leap into an uppercut for two. Rollins in
with a kneedrop, and Harper enters with the Gator Roll. A chest shop
leads to a suplex try, but he aborts and does an uppercut for two
instead. Kane in, and he gets stomps and a short lariat for two.
(Of note: JBL says
Ziggler is an idiot for constantly beating himself up by being out
there every night just to please the fans. I wonder if that’s a Punk
reference.) Kane
with a kneelift, and Rollins gets a Hammer Throw or two. Rollins
stomps on Dolph’s hand and drops elbows on the head before getting a
snapmare and chinlock. He adds a bodyscissors, but Dolph blocks it
and gets to his feet. Jawbreaker stops the hold, and he avoids an
avalanche to make the hot tag to Cena. Comeback begins here, and
Harper can’t see Cena before the Shuffle. Cena AA to Harper, and he
and Ryback suplex Kane together. Mercury and Noble slug out Cena,
getting Rollins two as we take another break.

Main event, continued, again.
Kane slugs down Cena, who tries to clear the apron but walks into a
Bravo Side Slam for two. Kane goes to a side headlock, but Cena
pulls the arms away and gets a dropkick to Kane. Harper stops the
hot tag and gets a front slam for two. He picks Cena up by the ears
and slaps away, but Cena reverses a Hammer Throw and both men wind up
on the wrong side of the ring. Harper with a thrust kick for two.
Rollins in, and he lands a Five Knuckle Shuffle of his own. He
taunts Cena repeatedly, leaving him open for a haymaker. Rollins
recovers first with a clothesline and stomps away. To the chinlock
as the crowd is just waiting for the hot tag. Rollins stops a
power-out with a shot to the back, but the Stinger Splash airballs.
Hot tag Dolph (which the ref manages to find), and he goes nuts on
Harper with a Rude Awakening and giant elbow drop. Leaping DDT is
stopped, but Harper eats post and gets Rocker Dropped for two,
Rollins saves. EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL as Cena comes in via the top
rope and bowls over the pile. AA try on Kane is reversed to a big
boot, but Ryback gets an Oklahoma Slam on Kane. Flying knee by
Rollins, leaping DDT by Dolph, Bossman Slam by Harper gets two.
Powerbomb try, but Dolph with a sunset flip for the win at 25:16.
*** Harper is furious and continues the attack, and the fight
continues as though the match never ended. Crowd wants tables added
to the insanity. Big Show joins the fray to tilt the ledger to the
villains, and he and Kane corner Ryback. Erick Rowan now returns
with steps (Harper and Kane eat them), then Dolph sends Rollins into
Rowan’s stairs. He enters, but Show uts him off for a chokeslam try.
Dolph with a superkick, Ryback with a Meathook, Cena with an AA, and
everyone agrees Rowan gets the icing on the cake with a stairs shot
(crowd chants YES furiously).

STATS:

MATCH
TIME: 58:58 over six matches (counting Tag Team Turmoil as one match)

BEST
MATCH: The six-man main

WORST
MATCH: Show/Rowan

NIGHT
MVP: Dean Ambrose

MY
SCORE: 2.5. The first hour just annoyed me to heck, so I had no
patience for the lull that usually comes. Vince, if you’re going to
book Raw, focus on it completely.

Matt
Perri yells about Main Event tomorrow. Tommy Hall is stuck doing
SmackDown. Scott Keith runs through 1996 and leads open forum
discussions. Brian Bayless gives the daily update.

And
someone needs to recap the Austin/Vince interview, but it won’t be
me.