BoD RAW

We are less than two weeks away from BoD Payback. Tonight, GM Bayless will decide who is going to face the champion, Cultstatus, at the special event. Also, plans for the new singles Championship, the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship, are going to be revealed. And, who will challenge for the Tag Team and the Writer’s Championship.

GM Bayless comes down to the ring. He tells us that tonight will start off the eight-man tournament to crown the first ever BoD Solid B+ Player Champinoship. And here are the eight names:

Wow, talk about a tough matchup. YJ2310 is in the midst of a really tough time as the former “Mr. Top 13” has been downgraded to #14. He is having a really bad year, folks. On the opposite end of the spectrum, WWF1987 has finally cracked the BoD Top 20 and ran off Caliber Winfield, a top guy from the BoD. Match starts with a lockup then switches to the mat. Yes, mat wrestling on the BoD. WWF1987 breaks that up with an eye rake and goes to work, giving YJ2310 almost as much of a beating as he did Caliber Winfield a few months ago. It’s what WWF1987 is known for and less embarrassing than being a diehard TNA fan I suppose. YJ2310 now mounts a comeback and is beating WWF1987 in the corner. He is fighting back and taking out all of those frustrations out on WWF1987. He places him up top but WWF1987 blocks a superplex and shoves YJ2310 to the mat. He waits for YJ2310 to get up and comes off the top with a crossbody that gets two. WWF1987 softens him up but YJ2310 ducks a clothesline and comes back with a flying forearm as both men are down. YJ2310 is up first and fires away. He is going to be back in the Top 13 in no time with effort like this. He whips WWF1987 into the corner but whiffs on a charge and WWF1987 rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for the win. Oh, man. The bad year for YJ2310 continues with this loss. I cannot believe how bad this has been for him.

Parallax, Officer Farva, and Jobber123 arrive through the secret and luxurious “Top 5” entrance. They toss their keys at special valet, BoD NXT callup Archie Stackhouse, as he is the most experienced valet left. Jobber then kicks Stackhouse in the ass as he bent over to pick up the keys and he falls. Stackhouse should just be thankful there wasn’t a wet towel around. After they laugh at the lowly valet, they seem to be discussing a plan of sorts as one of the BoD NXT Jabroni’s opens up the doors to the posh “Top 5” lounge. When they enter, they are greeted by GM Bayless. He says that since they are top 5 talent, he wanted to give them this message in person. Tonight, the number one contender match will take place and the winner faces Cultstatus at BoD Payback. It will be Jobber123 against Parallax. But there is more. Officer Farva and BoD Money on the Table Briefcase Holder, Jef Vinson, will also be in the match, making it a fatal four-way. As this is announced, a chair swivels around and it’s Jef Vinson himself! The other top 5 talent is pissed as they will have to go through hell in order to get this win.

Wade Michael Meltzer is live on location at Disney World as Abeyance1 has convinced the BrazilianKid’s family to avoid those pesky slopes (we hope he meant ski slopes but look at you we are talking about here) and take a trip to the happiest place on earth. Our camera’s recorded their conversation.

Abeyance1: (getting increasingly anxious) Well, what countries do you want to visit?
BrazilianKid: The map here shows Mexico, Norway, and China. They are all in a row
Abeyance1: (even more anxious than before) Well……uh…..uh……….I heard that it is closed because the pipes got clogged with seaweed
BrazilianKid: (confused) I didnt hear that. Is it really closed.
Abeyance1 (angry) IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BrazilianKid: Why did you yell?
Abeyance1: I am sorry. Lets go to Thunder Mountain before the line gets too long. 
BrazilianKid How about we go to Space Mountain like Ric Flair did
Abeyance1: Woooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
(They both head off to Space Mountain)






Opening Round
BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Tournament
Beard Money vs. Hart Killer 09


OH MY!!!!!!! And Beard Money slaps hands with all of the kids at ringside and gives granny is favorite red bandana!!! HA HA HA HA. Hart Killer attacks our favorite hillbilly right as he enters the ring. He lays into him with a series of stomps. He now mocks Bret Hart’s taunts then goes up top and misses an elbow drop. Beard Money gets up and hits a clothesline and follows that with a cartwheel. HA HA HA HA!!!!!! He crushes Hart Killer with a corner splash and does a second cartwheel and that means he is going for the bearhug. He whips Hart Killer against the ropes and catches him with a bearhug. Hart Killer looks on the verge of tapping out but PrimeTime Ten is now on the apron and apparently stole the red bandana from granny. Beard Money breaks the hold and goes after PrimeTime and chases him around the ring. Beard Money does not like stealing, folks. He runs around PrimeTime and gets counted out as Hart Killer advances to the semi-finals. Beard Money finally catches him and looks furious but from behind, Hart Killer whacks him in the back with a chair. He and PrimeTime are now destroying Beard Money until White Coat Security runs in to break things up. Beard Money is howling in pain as the BoD Medical Staff check on him. PrimeTime Ten and Hart Killer are now taunting the crowd. THEY DONE MESSED WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GM Bayless is in the ring. He tells Nebb28 to come out. Nebb28 comes out, wearing his parking vest, as the GM tells him that at BoD Payback, he will defeat him and win his pet rock. He says that the pet rock is a winner but it’s owner, is barely a midcard talent and should be jerking the curtain. He says that since Nebb28 has not won anything in a while, he is going to give him a tune-up match. He tells Nebb28 that his opponent has been locked in the concession supply all day listening to nothing but Snickers commercials and that is……………Todd “Hoss” Lorenz!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS NOT A WARMUP MATCH. WILL THIS GM EVER STOP HARASSING THE MIDCARD?

Nebb28 vs. Todd “Hoss” Lorenz


Hoss is fucking pissed. He hates snickers. The concession stand workers have all retreated as Hoss storms down the aisle. He goes in the ring and backs Nebb28 into the corner. Nebb28 ducks away and tries to knock the big man down but he fails. Hoss catches Nebb28 and tosses him across the ring. Hoss throws Nebb28 over the ropes and next to GM Bayless, who stomps Nebb28 as he is done then rolls him back inside. Hoss drops an elbow then hits the chokeslam for the win. But Hoss is not finished as GM Bayless comes into the ring and he orders Hoss to inflict more damage. Hoss picks up a lifeless Nebb28 but wait a minute, the Midcard Mafia comes out from the crowd as Hoss and Bayless escape. The Midcarders help out their colleague as Magoonie Teddy Belmont grabs the mic. He tells Bayless that he and the rest of the Midcard Mafia will never, ever, wear a parking vest for him ever again. He then tells Bayless he has something to show him as the very inexpensive BoD Jumbotron shows a clip of the GM’s car, which is heavily damaged. Bayless is out of his mind as Magoonie Teddy Belmont tells him that there was damaged caused by a runaway vehicle. Bayless grabs the mic and tells the Midcard Mafia that after he destroys Nebb28 and wins his Pet Rock, he will put all of his focus and energy on destroying the Midcard Mafia, starting one by one until Belmont is the last one left standing. The question has been answered, the Midcard Mafia will not be parking attendants but what will happen after Payback?

Wade Michael Meltzer is back live on location, this time at the famed “Cellular Twat” strip club in Florida. As Your Favourite Loser was in the VIP section making it rain, he told Meltzer the following:

Since winning the Win-a-Date Battle Royal, my life has changed. No longer am I a self-depricating pussy whining about life. I have confidence and with that it allows me to be my true self. I ooze machismo like I am Razor Ramon. Look at me now (surrounded by strippers, with two on his lap and a few behind him) I could never have made it this far if I had not won the Battle Royal. Notice the key word “won?” That means I did not lose and I am a loser no more. Now, I make it rain on these hoes here, there, and everywhere. Last Week, I was Your Favourite Loser but now I am my true self. I am……………………….BUCK NASTY. And at Payback, I will win again. On June 1st, 2014, the streak will continue (Buck Nasty ends by making it rain on the camera)






kbjone & John Petuka vs. Curtis Williams & theberzerker1


This is the debut of the Petuka & kbjone team, who are rumored to be called the “Upper Midcard Express.” They are facing a veteran team of two solid hands in a match that could main event any “B” show across the BoD. Williams starts off against kbjone. They trade armbars until kbjone takes him down. He tags Petuka and he hits a suplex. The Upper Midcard Express are using quick tags to help isolate Williams. kbjone bounces off of the ropes but theberzerker1 knees him in the back and makes the tag. He chokes out kbjone with his foot until the referee breaks it up. kbjone is in trouble as he is getting double-teamed. Williams heads up top but misses a splash and both men are down. Williams makes the tag and shows does kbjone. Petuka is a house of fire. He takes out both of his opponents. kbjone is now up and they clear the ring of Williams. They are setting up theberzerker1 for something but Paul Meekin & White Thunder run in and attack the Upper Midcard Express for the DQ. Williams & theberzerker1 are up and making this a 4-2 attack but here comes the Tag Team Champions, Adam Curry & Kyle Warne, to even the score. The champs and the Upper Midcard Express clear the ring and briefly glance at each other before shaking hands. The Tag Team division continues to heat up.

Backstage, Mar Solo is speaking with MikeyMike2323. All of a sudden, the Unstable come into the locker room. The BoD Camera Crew caught their interaction:

Jesse Baker: Well, look who it is
Mar Solo: (looking bothered) yeah, what is your point
Jesse Baker: Why do you surround yourself with a false sense of security?
Mar Solo: What the fuck are you talking about?
Jesse Baker: You are going to pay for your sins
Mar Solo: Listen, I do not know what you are talking about
(Gideon Stargrave is cackling in the background hitting his face with a flyswatter as Steve Stennick is wearing is Rusev shirt)
Jesse Baker: I am the Reaper and I will put you down
Mar Solo (shrugs his shoulders then pushes Baker’s face, causing him and the rest of the Unstable to fall like dominos) Sure thing, pal. 






After watching that, it is clear that the Unstable are in Mar Solo’s head, folks.

Tommy Hall is in the ring, sporting a Jeff Beukeboom throwback. He says that he has a problem. Hall says that he has too much money. Rumor backstage is that Hall brings his own food to the show and got a “pick Two” at Panera today, with both items from the “Signature” menu. Rich motherfucker. Hall said that he has been a writer on the BoD for a long time and that he wants one thing, the Writer’s Championship. Hall then says that he respects Stranger in the Alps but he is going to give him an offer he cannot refuse tonight. Instead of saving him the embarrassment of losing the title, he will buy it off of him. Hall puts out his e-book currency, which is not legitimate, and tells Stranger that he will give him $400 and a $2 off a “Pick Two” that expires May 31st. Hall says that he expects an answer next week then does the point and home run swing before leaving. Stranger is on location at the BoD Meet & Greet today and not present for this speech.

Backstage, Joe Martinez is complaining about people making jokes about Special Events/PPVs. Worst in the World is busy typing a 46 paragraph post in response to a complaint that only exists in his own mind. Scotty Flamingo takes a roll of paper towels into the bathroom after he read a bunch of posts bashing Dave Meltzer. Steve Stennick is yelling at ARGHHH THE BARBARIAN, telling him that Adam Rose will be a huge star and that he is a stupid smark. Devin Harris is backstage getting FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big Nasty 96 is gloating about his WWE Network predictions as Andy PG is attempting to defend his. Uh oh, Hoss comes barreling through the doors and yells that he needs to shake somedown down. He grabs Martinez by his clip-on tie then rips off his Jos A Bank discount rack suit before chokeslamming him on the floor. Hoss picks him up by the leg and shakes him down then walks off. All of a sudden, Laughing Sting arrives and gets in Martinez’s face and yells “OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA” ONLY IN THE BoD, HAR HAR HAR

Number One Contender Match
Parallax1978 vs. Jobber123 vs. Officer Farva vs. Jef Vinson


Lets see what happens here. Jobber and Parallax face off as does Farva and Vinson then Parallax and Jobber break and go after Vinson. Its a 3 on 1 attack as Vinson is getting destroyed. Are they afraid of him cashing in his title shot? They drag Vinson outside of the ring and send him through a table with a triple powerbomb. They go back inside and now they try to get quick rollups on each other but that fails. Parallax catches Jobber with a clothesline and waves over Farva as they double-team Jobber. Parallax goes for the pin but Farva yanks him off as Parallax is pissed. I think Parallax expects Farva to soften Jobber up for him. Farva lets Parallax know that he is in this for the title, not to help him. As they argue, Jobber runs over and shoves Parallax through the ropes. He takes Farva and picks him up and drops him with a Helicopter Slam. Jobber goes for the cover but Vinson comes back and makes the save! He is battered and bloodied but still mustered enough strength to get up and break up the pin. Vinson gets up and slugs away at Jobber but Parallax tackles him from behind. He goes for the curb stomp but Jobber cradles Parallax and gets a nearfall after Farva broke up the pin. All four men now trade rollups as they keep on getting broken up. Vinson starts punching Parallax against the ropes and send him through the ropes with a right hook. Farva charges and Vinson backdrops him over the ropes and onto Parallax. Vinson turns his attention to a stunned Jobber. He backs him in the corner and places him up top and hits a hurricarana. Vinson rushes back up top but Farva shoves him off and Vinson crashes on the floor. Farva waits for Jobber to get up but Parallax cuts off Farva! He takes Farva down with a superplex. Parallax goes for the cover but Vinson slides him out of the ring and tosses him into the guardrail. Vinson tries to come back inside but Farva knees him in the face as he makes his way through the ropes. Farva yells at Vinson but turns around and Jobber kicks him in the gut then picks him for the Razor’s Edge but Farva escapes. He charges at Jobber and ducks a clothesline but knocks Parallax off of the apron then Jobber uses the backstabber and picks him up and hits the Razor’s Edge for the win and the shot for the title at BoD Payback. What a match. Cultstatus now appears with the belt on the stage and starts to laugh as he makes the “choke” sign to Jobber, even pointing at his Stephon Curry jersey afterwards. This feud never ended and will continue.

All feedback, criticism, ideas, or anger can be sent to BBayless781@gmail.com. Also, if this has disappointed your RSS Feed, send me your address for a complimentary Whitman’s Sampler.

Matches for Payback:

Jobber123 vs. Cultstatus for the BoD Heavyweight Title
Nebb28 vs. Brian Bayless, winner gets Nebb28’s Pet Rock
WWF 1987 vs. Hart Killer 09 in the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Tournament Semifinal