BoD Mania

Finally, BoD Mania has arrived. This has had more delays than a government project but its up.

Before we enter the building, we see parking attendant Magoonie Teddy Belmont collecting the keys of the competitors. Champion hopeful Cultstatus tosses his keys on the ground and as Teddy picks them up, GM Brian Bayless throws them off of his back and laughs as he walks away. The BoD Battle Royal contestants get out of the shuttle bus and draw sticks over which one has to park it then fill it with gas after the show. Tough life for the BoD Midcard. They all slept four to a room at the Red Roof Inn and Todd Lorenz stole the entire continental breakfast for himself, even stomping the food he didnt like into the ground so no one else could have it.

Outside the GM office, the lineup is posted for the Battle Royal as Ripner Cabnit, TheLELGuy, Aric Johnson and others learn that they have not been chosen for the card and will get to eat some quality catering for the night. The boo-boo face has made it’s debut on the show already. Hopefully, the keys were left in the ignition so they can get some heat. Lets face it, they werent going to get heat in the match anyway.

Man Tony Garea Memorial Battle Royal: 

Todd Lorenz, cabspaintedyellow, Phrederic, Hart Killer 09, Vince Jordan, WWF 1987, James, Mick, “Dancing” Devin Harris, Billy Castillo, Worst in the World, Bobby, Nick Piers, Your Favourite Loser, Mr. Snrub, Juvydriver, Jabber2, David BonzaiSaldanaMontgomery, BigNasty 96, Stan Ford, PATRICKisLEGEND, TheGrailSpiral, Nebb28, X Man, MikeyMike2323, Jason,  “Angry” Ian Austin, Ziggaman730, ScottyFlamingo

Never before have so many jam-up guys been in one ring. Our wonderful timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, gets us started by ringing the bell. And the match starts with everyone running after Todd Lorenz. He cannot overcome everyone and the Hoss gets eliminated! The Hoss of the BoD is out and not happy at all. He throws a chair into the crowd and then grabs a hot dog from a fan. Uh oh, he stops before taking his first bite and realizes there is not any relish on the hot dog. He grabs the fan over the guardrail and shakes him down for money then stomps the hot dog into the ground and makes him eat it all up. Oh my! While that was going on, Mr. Snrub and Ziggaman730 were eliminated, off-camera. Breaking news ladies and gentleman, the true shooter of the BoD, Bobby, has been eliminated. The toughest man on the internet will head back to the locker room. TheGrailSpiral and ScottyFlamingo have just been eliminated courtesy of WWF 1987, who is sporting his “I Cracked Caliber” T-Shirt, available at BoD Shopzone. Stan Ford has just been eliminated and can now go watch the WWE Network, where as the just eliminated Big Nasty 96 can not watch and freely bitch about it on the BoD. In a feat of strength, “Dancing” Devin Harris just eliminated the BoD Job Squad, Nick Piers and Your Favourite Loser. To the disappointment of his pet rock, Nebb28 has been eliminated, courtesy of DBSM. WWF 1987 is heating up as he tosses out “Angry” Ian Austin, the happiest man on the BoD. He then takes out Jason and Jabber2 as well. We are clearing things out as Phrederic takes out Juvydriver, then Phrederic gets eliminated by Vince Jordan. Now Vince Jordan gets eliminated by Worst in the World. What a sequence and not at all contrived, either. Worst in the World has just been eliminated by the force known as WWF 1987. A lot of C+/B- players are still left in this ring, all surviving for a chance at that Tony Garea “Best of……” DVD and a $3 voucher to be redeemed at the next F4W Vegas Convention. Hart Killer 09 eliminates the X Man and cabspaintedyellow takes out MikeyMike2323. The fantasy sports man, DBSM, has just been eliminated by Mick. Well, at least he didnt choke in the BoD Fantasy Basketball League playoffs. James and PATRICKisLEGEND try to eliminate the Dancing Man but Mick, WWF 1987, and Hart Killer 09 sneak up and eliminate them all as James, PATRICKisLEGEND, and “Dancing” Devin Harris have all been eliminated. And Devin Harris is down. Wait a minute, did you just say down? I think he heard you. Look at him dance! HA HA HA GIT DOWN, GIT DOWN WITH DA D-D-H. And look at this, the BoDettes have joined him as they all get FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd loves getting funky! OH COME ON, that’s Todd Lorenz and he just kicked down and destroyed the sound system as the crowd boos. He now grabs the mic: “NO ONE HAS FUN UNTIL I GET RELISH ON MY HOT DOG!!!!!” And now he takes a concession stand worker and chokeslams him onto the speakers. What an angry, bitter, fat guy. Back to the match, Billy Castillo has been eliminated by Mick. The final four have been set: Mick, Cabspaintedyellow, Hart Killer 09, and WWF 1987. Lots of slow brawling as our competitors are starting to wear down. Mick missses a clothesline and Hart Killer 09 ducks then eliminates Mick. Hart Killer 09 then goes after the others but cabspaintedyellow hits him from behind then tosses Hart Killer 09 to the floor. And now WWF 1987 makes his move and tosses cabspaintedyellow and wins the Battle Royal. But wait, a masked man comes from underneath the ring and sneaks behind WWF 1987 and hits him from behind then throws him over the top rope. He unmasks himself and it turns out to be Chin! He just trolled everyone in the match! And he is declared the winner. Chin grabs the mic and taunts the angry crowd that this is just for children and mocks them for getting upset then brings his own two children into the ring as they hold comic books and wear John Cena writsbands and once again tells the BoD that wrestling and comic books are just for children. What a surprising start to BoD Mania.

Backstage, Steve Ferrari is waiting to speak to the GM when he runs into the Assistant GM, Director of Procedural Operations, and Vice President of Paper goods, Justice Gray. He tells Ferrari that the GM is busy but if Caliber does not show up, he cannot have a replacement partner. He also tells Ferrari that since he thought he should have been in the BoD Rumble, he would have no problem taking on these two guys.

Monday Night Warz Match
Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall

This heated feud started when Logan eliminated Tommy from the BoD Rumble. With the release of his newest e-book, Tommy has raked in enough cash to purchase a discount official throwback from Mitchell & Ness, so yes Virginia, that Ruben Sierra throwback is a legit, game-day worn jersey. And do I see Fila sweatpants now? Yes I do. What’s next, a dinner at Red Lobster! Anyway, Logan doesnt have any fancy e-book money but does have a T-shirt with his name written in Italics. C’mon Logan, this is what the world is watching, so dress the part. Tommy sneak attacks Logan from behind. He pounds on him in the corner then calls him out for being too lazy to write reviews for the “Shotgun Saturday Night” shows. Tommy writes those Thunder reviews like a champ you know. Tommy misses the avalanche splash as Logan gets us and works on the leg. Logan wants to set him up for the Sharpshooter but Tommy is able to grab the ropes. Logan drags him back in the middle of the ring and roughs him up and heads up top but misses an elbow drop. Tommy gets up  and hits a slam and a leg drop. He almost puts him away with a Samoan drop. Tommy goes for the Vader Bomb but Logan gets his knees up. Both men are down as the crowd pulls out their phones and post on the BoD. They are up and are firing away. Logan knocks Tommy through the ropes and onto the apron. He tries to suplex him back in but Tommy reaches in his Fila’s and pulls something out. Logan has Tommy up for the back suplex but Tommy hits him and Logan drops. Tommy now covers for the win. The camera zooms in on Tommy’s hand and it reveals a roll of dimes. He cashed out the rest of his e-book money so he could cheat to win this match! Has Tommy turned heel on the BoD?

BoD Tag Team Title Elimination Match
PrimeTime Ten & Beard Money vs. Mr. Satan & Zanatude vs. ABeYance1 & thebraziliankid vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne

The winners will be the inaugural BoD Tag Team Champions. Beard Money and ABeYance start off the match. Beard Money takes control as he wears his favorite pair of overalls. He works over the back to set him up for the bearhug but Curry tags himself into the match and beats on ABeYance1. He hits a spinkick and follows up that with a senton. He climbs up top but misses a moonsault and ABeYance1 tags his partner, showing for the first time that he can do something besides typing a one-sentence long post. They hit a double dropkick on Curry. thebraziliankid now takes control and stops babbling on about whatever the fuck the “MGS Patriots” are. Mr. Satan now waves him over and asks to help. He tells braziliankid to tag in his partner and give him a chair so he can rest. He tags ABeYance1 and as that happens, Zanatude takes the chair and hits ABeYance as Mr. Satan distracts the ref, then Mr. Satan covers for the win, eliminating AbeYance1 & thebraziliankid. Oh well, better luck next time, kids. Mr. Satan turns his attention to PrimeTime Ten and they go at it. The Gorilla/Bobby wannabe is getting double-teamed in the corner as his partner is stomping his feet on the apron to get the crowd going. He finally escapes and makes the tag to Beard Money. He runs wild on both guys then does a big ol’ cartwheel. Oh my. He bounces the ropes but Mr. Satan whacks him with a chair. Zanatude gets up and tags Mr. Satan and he hits him with a running swinging neckbreaker then the double arm DDT. He really is Mick Foley, isn’t he? And now he tags Zanatude and they hit the H-Bomb for the win, eliminating PrimeTime Ten & Beard Money. We are now down to the last two teams and they all go at each other. The match completely breaks down as the competitors are brawling outside of the ring. Warne gets whipped into the guardrail then gets tossed back into the ring. He takes a beating for a while as the chances for the RoH Connection looks bleak. Warne dodges a corner splash and hits a super kick as both men are down. He gets up and makes the tag to Curry, who goes on an angry spree of terror. He uses the double noggin-knocker and the match breaks down again. Zanatude grabs a chair and swings but Warne ducks and it hits Mr. Satan. Warne hits Zanatude with a brainbuster then Curry finishes him off with the 450 splash as they get the win and become the first-ever tag team champions.

After the folllowing match, the contestants will head down to the famous Florida strip club that lets you bring in a cell phone, the Cellular Twat, and adhere to their stipulations. If Parallax wins, he drinks, if Farva wins, he has to become sober.

Shitfaced vs. Sobriety Match to Become the #1 Contender
Parallax1978 vs. Officer Farva

Farva appears to be about ¾ of a liter deep in Stoli for this match. This match also will not have any rules and pinfalls can occur anywhere in the arena. After months of buildup, the match begins. Farva swings wildly and misses and that allows Parallax to kick him down. Parallax wants to save Farva and anyone else who needs help and with the BoD, there is a lot of saving that needs to happen. The sober, wife-fucker stays in control for a bit, something Farva has a problem doing himself. Parallax kicks him outside and follows him out. Farva reverses an Irish whip and sends Parallax into the guardrail. He then takes him over with a clothesline as they fight in the stands. Farva drags Parallax up the stands and hits him with overhand chops. Wait a minute, Farva grabs a mic and asks the crowd if this man (pointing at Parallax) has fucked your wife? Two guys come over and kick Parallax in the groin. Farva charges at Parallax but ends up hitting the stairs after a drop toehold. Parallax pulls out some pills, I thought he was anti-drug? He then sticks them in Farva’s face. The Doc of the BoD gobbles them right up. Parallax tells him they are vitamins as Farva spits them out. Parallax rams his head off of the steps then drags him towards the concession stand. There are some Ryan Murphy T-Shirts on the clearance rack that Parallax uses to choke out Farva. We move towards the food part of the concourse as we see Todd Lorenz, who was two workers by the back of the neck as he grabs the relish off of the shelf. Back to the match as Parallax busts open Farva with a glass then hits him repeatedly. Parallax grabs a beer cart and wheels it over to Farva but took too much time and Farva is up and punches him down. Farva then leans over the counter and sticks his head under the tap and has a drink. He then spits it at Parallax and bangs two beers together like Stone Cold but his too tanked to realize that he used glass bottles and not cans and cuts himself up. Farva is feeling it….the booze that is and goes over and kicks the poor hotdog vendor and has a bite to eat. Now, Farva predictably goes over to the cheese whiz and picks it up. He looks to dump it on Parallax but some gimmicks fall out of his pocket. He puts down the tray of hot cheese whiz, or CHEEX WHIZ, when Farva uses his phone, and goes to pick them up but is struggling. He is fumbling around his stash as Parallax sneaks up from behind and curbstomps Farva into the cheeze whiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He covers and its one, two, three. This is over as Parallax is our new number one contender. And after we clean the cheeze whiz off of Farva, we will head over to the “Cellular Twat” for the post-match stipulations.

BoD Did You Know?


rspwfaq.net is ranked 10,000 spots higher for page-hit traffic in the USA than Insidepulse.com

White Thunder & Paul Meekin vs. Steve Ferrari & Caliber Winfield

The big question all week is whether or not Caliber will take a break from bench pressing and poppin’ all that Pacific Ocean Coast pussy and show up to help his editor in this tag match. Steve Ferrari shows up by himself as Caliber is nowhere to be seen. Maybe he left his ticket on the table or something like that. The bell rings as Meekin and Thunder go after Ferrari, who puts up a fight. The editor fights them off but is unable to overcome the odds. Meekin grabs him in a bearhug as all the people who have not had their lunch stolen by Todd Lorenz have officially lost their’s. This is getting rough as now White Thunder has Ferrari in the Figure Four and keeps yelling out WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The man is a fan of the bill-dodging, alimony avoidinng son of a gun. Meekin tags in but the arena goes black. Who turned off the lights? They eventually come back on and we see four men carrying someone on a chair whose identity is concealed by the hood that he is wearing. They put it down and unmask and ……………..HOLY SHIT. Its Pik, Steve Stennick, Gideon Stargrave, and Elvy Landa. What the fuck are they doing here, this isnt the group home? They take Ferrari and beat him down. The man in the chair orders them to get a table and they do. They place the beating and broken Ferrari onto the table as the man gets up from the chair and removes his hood to reveal…………….Jesse Baker!!!! Oh my god. The BoD is losing their shit over this stunning revelation. Jesse waves over Meekin and Thunder, who look a mix of petrified and intrigued, to join them. Gideon spray paints something on Ferrari but the can runs out and I see something resembling a “U.” Now he is bashing the can off of his head as he screeches. Can someone please get white coat security in here to administer some anti-psychotics? Jesse tells Meekin he is a fan of his QOTD and asks him to join and if White Thunder can be their muscle? He then says he wants a decision by BoD Extreme Rules. Oh god, that’s happening too. Christ. Baker and his men leave as this stable has sent shockwaves through the BoD. There is nothing stable about those crazy bastards. That is right, they are the Unstable. Jesse then turns up the aisle and says that he has something else he wants, Caliber Winfield, and that he will reign terror on his fanbase until he responds to him. I guess they sent a message by leaving Steve Ferrari on the table.

Meanwhile, the cameras are set up at the “Cellular Twat,” awaiting the arrival of Parallax and Farva. We see the display of coke zero and unsalted almonds for Farva while Parallax gets a pizza. This place is crazy, I mean you can bring a cell phone here. Hell, I saw one guy walk in with a Motorola Bag Phone and a “Speak n’ Say” and they let that crazy fucker in the club. The car pulls up as the competitors get out of the car. They go inside as the TV shows a replay of WWE Main Event, just for Farva! We will check back on them soon.

And now, a special PSA from the BoD

Money on the Table Match
Jef Vinson vs. kbjone vs. Mar Solo vs. YJ2310 vs. JoeDust vs. Brian Bayless vs. John Petuka vs. ??????

Who is the mystery entrant? Match starts out with everyone fighting. Mar Solo ducks out to get a ladder but gets taken out by a suicide dive courtesy of Jef Vinson. Petuka flies out with a pescado as the trainwreck spot concludes with a flip dive from JoeDust. In the ring, Bayless tosses kbjone to the floor and tries to set up the ladder. Jef Vinson comes in and dropkicks him through the ropes. YJ2310 hits a knee from behind then suplexes Petuka. He picks up the ladder over his head and spins it around like a helicopter, taking out everyone in sight. He puts it down to set it up but eats a super kick from Tommy Hall, I mean kbjone. Really, I did. He tries to go climb up and gets about halfway but gets yanked down by JoeDust. TAFKA jvc113 goes up but so does Mar Solo and he takes him down with a sunset powerbomb. After crying about being left out of the BoD Rumble, Mar Solo is on a mission. But that just ended with a powerbomb from the BoD GM. He rolls him outside and White Coat Security takes Mar Solo and injects him with haldol. That motherfucking, post-whoring GM set this up so he could win. And look at this, JoeDust get clotheslined outside by Jef Vinson and he gets dragged away and a haldol shot too. If anyone else but the GM falls outside, they will get dragged away and haldol’d up. And look at this, kbjone and Petuka takes out White Coat Security with planchas. they fight back and they have had enough of this bullshit, as has everyone else whose had read up until this point. The BoD Rumble was a better card. Uh oh, White Coat Security has too many people and they haldol up Petuka back to the midcard. kbjone struggles to overcome the odds and gets the shot. I give him a C for that valiant effort. In the ring, Bayless hits Vinson with a backbreaker then tosses the ladder onto YJ2310. He super kicks him and tosses him right to the floor. He turns his attention to Vinson and has gone full-on Garea, using the jumping side headlock takeover repeatedly. He is snapped and might start teaming with jobbers each week so Matt Calamia might have a new partner next PPV. White Coat Security tries to drag YJ2310 away but he is a Jets fan so he has experience in fighting off authority. The lone hotdog vendor that has not been assaulted by Todd Lorenz has hopped the guardrail, to escape from him for some reason, and runs into the ring. Bayless has climbed the ladder but the hotdog vendor makes his way up and takes off his hat to reveal Magoonie Teddy Belmont! He fires away and now he pushes the ladder as Bayless flies outside and crashes onto White Coat Security. Magoonie grabs the mic and tells Bayless his name is Magoonie, and he is not a parking attendant but a midcarder. He now sets up the ladder and wakes up Jef Vinson, who staggers around then climbs up and grabs the money off of the table and gets the title shot! Bayless looks angry as then Midcard Messiah flips him the bird. Oh my, after all of the abuse, the GM gets his comeuppance. He and White Coat Security are not happy about this.

Back at the Cellular Twat, as Farva goes to the bathroom but really goes to sneak off behind the bar. He opens a bottle of rum and chugs but immediately spits it out. He yells that it is prune juice as everything in the bar has been replaced with a non-alcoholic beverage. He then looks at the TV and learns that Wisconsin was eliminated and is down $500 and he has no more gimmicks to cope. How will he react over the long haul?

BoD Writer Championship Throwdown
Andy PG vs. Stranger in the Alps vs. Chris Cucchiara vs. Mike Mears vs. Masked Reviewer vs. Kyle Fitta vs. Matt Perri vs. Scott Newman vs. Rock Star Gary

The crowd has cooled for this contest. Everyone brawls to start as a majority of the crowd heads to the bathroom. Matt Perri and Scott Newman have combined for roughly 6 reviews on the BoD and they get a spot on the card, which I am sure will anger some C+ posters without spots. The Cucch is now in the aisle doing an impression of Shawn Michaels entrance while making the jerking off motion with his hand. The crowd is now pelting him with garbage. BoD Special reporter Wade Michael Meltzer reported earlier today that the sabermetrics formula (e + c = who gives a fuck) that is used to predict all BoD matches have given Mike Mears the odds on favorite to win this match. Kyle Fitta takes out Rock Star Gary and his looooooooooooonnnggggggggggggg reviews by press slamming him to the floor. Remember when he used to give news updates? Its no BoD Update my friend. Andy PG is in the corner and appears to be having flashbacks of Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatt’s and is rocking back and forth. Quick, someone run out there with a CM Punk sock puppet and talk to him. Stranger in the Alps has Matt Perri and hits the Roll of the Dice for the win. He is now the BoD Writers Champion. Oh well, so much for the BoD sabermetrics formula. But dont you worry, they still say the Timberwolves will win the NBA Championship.

Before our main event, check out the following BoD Shopzone Items:

“Manservants, Masochists, and Cunts: How to Book Professional Wrestling” by Jesse Baker

“How I Overcame WWE-Induced Stockholm Syndrome” by Brian Bayless (Foreword by Gideon Stargrave)

“The Pro Wrestler’s Guide to Becoming a Pro Wrestler” by Chad Bryant

Plus, more discounted items from Ryan Murphy, Flair4DaGold, Charlie Reneke, and Caliber Winfield.

BoD Heavyweight Championship
Cultstatus vs. Jobber123