Princess Rant: Wrestlemania XI

The Allied Powers vs. Eli and Jacob Blu

Wow what a fall from grace for Lex Luger. He cheap shots Bret Hart before
Wrestlemania IX, is part of the double main event at Wrestlemania X and now is part of a heatless opening tag match at Wrestlemania XI. Meanwhile Dutch Mantel
(playing the role of Uncle Zebediah tonight) is a hot heel managerial act 20
years later. Go figure. Neither Lex nor Davey Boy gave two shits about this tag
arrangement and it shows. They do some power stuff and then the Blu Brothers
take over and pull some switcheroos and do some stuff.  Finally Eli or Jacob (or Ron or Don) miss a
flying elbow. Hot tag to Luger and he does all his power stuff (Clotheslines
and powerslams). He hits the bionic forearm but the brothers do another switch.
They go for a piledriver on Luger back when those things were legal but Luger
makes the blind tag to Davey Boy, who comes off the top with a sunset flip and
gets the three count. Yikes

(Allied Powers def. Blu Bros., pinfall, *, below average power tag match. Had
the Allied Powers actually gotten the push they needed that led to the eventual
breakup I believe that there might have been money in DBS-Luger feud.)

JR, shunted from announcing duties, interviews Uncle Zeb and it’s silly.

Vince goes to Nicolas Turturro, from New York Undercover or NYPD Blue or
something, who tries to interview King Kong Bundy and a few others but his mic
isn’t working.

Super hilarious interview with Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid with Waltman has
this super stare at the camera. This has to be seen to be appreciated.

Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

Jarrett was the champion here, after beating Ramon at the Royal Rumble with
assistance from the Roadie. Hence Razor is seconded by the Kid, who is dressed
like a member of the Cobra Kai in what had to be a rib or a dare or something. Meanwhile
Razor’s vest looks like he bought it at a second hand store. These guys were
great. By the way twenty years later, the Roadie is on the Wrestlemania card.
Who would have guessed? Razor damn near trucks a HORDE of ringside media there
for Lawrence Taylor and jumps on Jarrett immediately and eventually dumping him
to the floor with a clothesline. Jarrett uses trickery to take control but
falters on a second rope sunset flip. More heel miscommunication as Jarrett
bangs into the Roadie for a two count. Razor goes for the Edge but the Roadie
saves him. So Jarrett and Roadie decide to take a walk but Kid cuts them off
and sends Jarrett back into the ring. Razor with a rollup for two.  Jarrett goes to the eyes but misses a sit
down splash. Razor sends the Roadie into the post and Jarrett follows behind
when he is dumped over the top. Jarrett back in the ring and he catches Razor
with a neckbreaker and two dropkicks. Finally the sit down splash works for
Jarrett and then he sends Razor into the corner hard. Enziguri misses but Razor
misses an elbow and Jarrett covers for two. Side elbow by Jarrett gets two and
Jarrett goes for the chinlock to extend the heat segment. Razor quickly fights
out and gets a backslide for two. Jarrett with a clothesline for two. They try
a slugfest that Razor wins but Jarrett goes to the sleeper. Razor escapes but
Jarrett with a head smasher for two. Back to the chinlock for Jarrett. Razor
fights out again and they knock heads after a rope sequence. They both get up
at six and connect with roundhouse rights at the same time for another double
knockout. Razor gets the groggy cover for two. Another slugfest that Razor
wins. Jarrett goes for a high cross body but Razor catches him with a fall away
slam. Razor tries to distract the ref for the Kid to interfere but Jarrett foils
it and Razor misses a middle rope elbow. Knee breaker from Jarrett and it’s
figure four time. Jarrett gets a couple of two counts and some assistance from
the Roadie but despite it all Razor fights out and reverses the hold. And then
the kid gives Razor some assistance in a funny bit. Both guys are worse for
wear and Razor is really selling the knee. Second rope backdrop suplex from
Razor but he can’t capitalize with the cover. Despite barely being able to walk
Razor goes for the Edge and of course Roadie comes in and clips his knee again
for the disqualification. The Kid comes and does his usually shit that gets a
rise out of the crowd but Jarrett pancakes him and puts him in the figure four.
Razor makes the save and we’ve got a pretty wild brawl actually.

(Ramon def. Jarrett, disqualification, ***1/2, I thought this was a hell of a
match with some good near falls and a great pace, especially for a Jarrett
match.)

Ross argues with Jarrett afterwards. Jarrett has a bloody nose.

Nicolas Turturro is hanging out with the Corporation and Jenny McCarthy and
Shawn Michaels and Sid. And yeah it’s as big of a car wreck as it sounds…and
then a Sid promo takes it beyond that. God bless that guy.

Right to the next match. No bullshit with this Wrestlemania.

King Kong Bundy vs. The Undertaker

Bundy is part of the corporation and they have the urn after IRS repossessed it
at the Royal Rumble. I love that gimmick. Undertaker’s entrance is really
subdued by his standards – just him and Paul Bearer walking to the ring with
the music in the background. No druids. No pageantry outside of the gimmick.

The referee for this match is an American League umpire, Larry Young, in a random
mention. Anyway Bundy tries to jump Undertaker and fails so Undertaker hits him
with old school, which wasn’t Old School at the time. Bundy doesn’t leave his
feet until three clotheslines later, however. Bundy clotheslines Undertaker
over the ropes but he lands on his feet and steals the urn from DiBiase, thus
killing the point of the match. However, DiBiase calls Kama to ringside, who
beats up Bearer and takes it back. He would eventually melt it down and make a
gold chain out of it. Anyway Bundy does some shit, lots of choking and stuff. A
really lazy knee drop gets two and you know that blew Bundy’s fat ass up so he
needed to go to a chin lock. Bundy hits the avalanche. Undertaker no sells it
however, slams Bundy and hits the flying lariat for the pin. This was a year
before Undertaker could have the occasion good match and two and a half years
before he had Bret and Shawn to carry him to some memorable stuff.

(Undertaker def. Bundy, pinfall, ½*, boring as
hell)

Nicolas Turturro looks for Pamela Anderson but can’t find her and wonders what
she’s doing…Instead he runs into Lawrence Taylor’s All-Pros. Seeing the
gone-too-soon Reggie White makes me sad. Next Turturro walks in on Bob Backlund
playing chess with Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Back to the ring and Owen Hart is walking to ringside. He found himself a
partner and it’s the guy that beat his miserable loser brother Bret and that
man is Yokozuna. Holy shit this was a heck of a surprise at the time I would
assume. The backstage interview with the bumbling Smoking Gunns tells me they
didn’t see it on the booking sheet either. They probably assumed that Yoko was
a sloppy worker after dealing with Mabel but of course Yoko was apparently one
of the safest big men ever.

World Tag Team Championship: Owen Hart & Yokozuna vs. The Smoking Gunns

Owen and Billy start off and get into a slapping contest and then the Gunns go
to the arm. Crowd pops for the Yokozuna tag and he gives Bart a one-armed slam
but misses an elbow. One thing about Yoko, he was well over 500 pounds in this
match but he gets up so quickly from missed moves and has that instant agility.
I was always impressed with the fact that he cut a decent pace. Back to the
match, the Gunns control Owen with a double side Russian legsweep and a double
dropkick that sends Yoko to the floor. Guns do a suplex/reverse neckbreaker
combo. Bart sends Owen into the corner, hard and get a two count. Sidewalk
slam/legdrop combo gets a long two count after Yoko distracts the ref. Owen
makes a blind tag and reverses an irish whip. Drop toe hold leaves Billy prone
for the leg drop and he stumbles to the floor. Hart sends Billy into the post.
Billy tries to win a slugfest against Yoko and fails miserably. Yoko goes to a
nerve hold. Heels try a double team but Owen hits Yoko accidentally with the
missile dropkick. Hot tag to Bart and a press slam to Owen. Head smasher to Yoko
and the Gunns go for a double team but Owen holds the rope to send Bart to the
floor and Yoko catches Billy with the awesome fat belly to belly suplex and the
crowd gives a MASSIVE pop for the Bonzai drop. Owen tags in and thinks about
the sharpshooter but Billy is fucking DEAD so he decides to just pin him
instead.

(Owen/Yokozuna def. Smoking Gunns, pinfall, **, The Gunns were a big, athletic
team that probably would have gotten over if they weren’t saddled with the
cartoonish gimmick. Twenty years later Owen is dead, Yoko is dead, Bart Gunn is
dead as far as the WWE is concerned and Billy Gunn is on the card. Who would
have guessed?)

Todd Pettengil talks to Bam Bam Bigelow. Yep

Submission Match: Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund

Normally I don’t feel bad for worldwide mainstream star Bret Hart but this
seems about as low as it gets given he closed the show the year before. Hell
didn’t turn out well for any of the three main eventers did it? Oh well at
least now I know why that entire horde of media is at ringside.  Special guest referee is Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Hart pounds away with punches and a couple of headbutts. He goes for the
sharpshooter but Backlund avoids it. Hart with an elbow drop and a pretty
advanced rope choke on Backlund. They go to the floor and Hart roughs him up
there. Sharpshooter #2 is foiled by Backlund but the figure four is effective
as Piper is hilariously up in Backlund’s grill “WHADDYA SAY!” Backlund reverses
the hold and Hart makes the ropes. Hart with a single leg grapevine as Piper
does his best to keep the fans entertained. Backlaud rallies but Vince is busy
talking about the WWF Français and WWE Deutschland announcer parings. Backlund
escapes with a stiff leg to the mouth and goes for the crossface but Hart backs
into a corner and Backlund goes after the arm with armbar takedown and then a
hammerlock. A nasty elbow to the much and back to the armbar. If this match is
booked for 30-35 minutes I think this would be pretty damn good but clearly it
isn’t and Backlund’s style doesn’t exactly compress itself for timing. More
solid arm work but Bret slams his way out of it. Side backbreaker from Hart and
the middle rope elbow. Sharpshooter is applied but Backlund gets to the ropes.
Hart with a corner whip and a charge but Backlund escapes the flying shoulder.
Backlund’s deranged look when he’s about to apply the crossface chicken wing is
pretty awesome. Backlund gets the chicken wing but can’t fully apply the
crossface, Hart reverses the hold cleanly and gets him off his feet. After
fighting a little longer Backlund submits to his own hold. The World rejoices!

(Hart def. Backlund, submission, **1/4, they did some nice things and I could
see where they wanted to go but time didn’t allow it to get there. Backlund’s
arm work was solid.)

JR interviews Backlund after the loss, Backlund says he saw the light. Poor JR.

Back to Nicolas Turturro, who can’t find Pamela Anderson. Did someone check
Tommy Lee’s dick? She spent a lot of spare time hanging around that. Just a
suggestion.

Todd Pettengil interviews Diesel. The usual Big Daddy Cool spiel.

Howard Finkel introduces that solid array of D-List celebrities. Jonathan
Taylor Thomas is your guest time keeper. Crowd responds with about as much
excitement as I expect. Nicolas Turturro is your guest ring announcer and to
his credit he seemed tickled to death to be there. I mean if you agree to it
you might as well have fun.

WWF World Heavyweight Championship: Shawn Michaels vs. Diesel

Shawn has a bubbly Jenny McCarthy and Sid with him. Diesel found Pamela
Anderson, she was on Tommy Lee’s dick like I thought. She looks pretty pissed.
They actually did the glass breaking entrance for Diesel?? Surprising how
everyone remembers when Austin got it two years later but no one remembers it
here. Oh well. Shawn goes for a charge right away and gets sent over the top so
Diesel can bring Anderson in the ring and parade her around. Man she really can’t
even act like she’s excited to be there. Real match starts and Michaels is
moving like a sumbitch. As Nash said in Austin’s podcast that first rope
sequence with Shawn was always going to be a doozy because of his movement and
it was, I counted four reversals and three ducks before Diesel clobbers him.
Michaels goes to the arm but Diesel launches him across the ring then gives him
a huge back body drop. Diesel sends Michaels over the turnbuckle again and onto
a cameraman, who Shawn kindly dragged away from the ring. Michaels goes after
Diesel in the corner but gets rejected with an elbow. Shawn avoids a press slam
and goes for a suplex. Bad idea as that gets reversed and a knee lift sends him
to the floor. Diesel looks to capitalize but Shawn goes to the eyes. A sunset
flip attempt is thwarted as my feed messes up a little. Diesel misses a big
boot and Michaels clotheslines him over the top. Michaels goes to the air and
hits a high cross body to the floor. Baseball slide hits square in the mouth.
Second time misses and Michaels is introduced to the mat. He shoves the
cameramen out of the way so they could do a spot on the post with Diesel
missing an elbow. Crowd starts huge “Sid” chant making him the most over guy in
the match. Shawn keeps Diesel on the floor and hits a splash from the ring
apron. Well Shawn is trying to get them to stop chanting Sid. Ok WWE Network,
why is this feed so fucked up? It seriously just froze? Are you kidding me? Don’t
make me go to YouTube. I will do it. Diesel is in bad shape with his ribs while
Sid creeps toward the champion before the ref stops him. Diesel back in the
ring and Michaels starts working on the ribs and the knee. Multitasking at its
finest. Michaels back to the top and hits a bulldog for two. Diesel reverses a
corner whip but Michaels hits a springboard back elbow for two as the crowd is
starting to appreciate his effort and a “Let’s Go Shawn” chant begins. Michaels
uses the knee on Diesel’s ribs and then hits the big elbow for two. Damn he is
putting it all out there for the people. Diesel escapes a front face lock with
power so Shawn hits a running elbow. Diesel tries the rally but Shawn slaps on
the sleeper to slow him down. After a minute or so Diesel gets to his feet and
backs Michaels into the corner. Corner clothesline and a second one from the
champ. He hits the snake eyes and the sit down splash and then sends Michaels
to the floor. They fight on the outside for a bit. Back in the ring and Diesel
pounds away so Michaels escapes again. Fighting on the floor and the official
twists his ankle coming out to the floor to keep Sid away. Sweet chin music hits
Diesel solid back in the ring but Hebner struggles to get in the ring and it
just gets a two count. Sid removes the padding of a turnbuckle but Diesel gets
a backdrop suplex. Still Michaels is first to gain consciousness and covers for
two. Michaels goes to the ropes for something but Diesel catches him and hits a
sidewalk slam. Diesel catapults Shawn into the buckle but not the exposed top
turnbuckle, the center one. Diesel finally hits the massive boot and a horrible
jackknife that damn near broke Shawn’s leg gets the three count. Great match!

(Diesel def. Michaels, pinfall, ****, wasn’t the most memorable match for
either guy but still amazingly good stuff from a fully healthy Shawn Michaels
and Nash back when he was motivated to be somebody.)

Post-match Sid tells JR it ain’t over while Diesel celebrates with the
D-listers.

Whoever uploaded this card to the Network server needs to be fired.

A second post-match interview with Michaels and Sid and it’s a big whine fest.

The corporation is introduced. It’s Tatanka, Nikolai Volkoff, IRS, Kama, King
Kong Bundy and Ted DiBiase. Not exactly the 1927 Yankees or anything. LT’s
group is Ken Norton Jr., Chris Spielman (who my husband says is one of the best
guys around), Rickey Jackson, Carl Banks, Steve McMichael and of course the
late great Minister of Defense, Reggie White. They have a little brawl with the
corporation as the crowd finally wakes up with a big LT chant.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Lawrence Taylor

Wanna hear something odd? They dub over Salt-n-Pepa singing “Whatta Man” with
both the Monday Night Football theme and their generic old school Wrestlemania
music. Why would they have to dub over a LIVE performance? Whatever.

(After many issues with the network feed on my laptop I’m switching to the iPad
to see if it’s any better.)

Pat Patterson is the referee for obvious reasons (in case this becomes a
clusterfuck…by the way iPad feed seems MUCH better FWIW).

LT slaps the shit out of him and hits a massive flying forearm. Clothesline
sends Bigelow over the top and the crowd responds with a little shock. Bigelow
back in the ring and he misses an avalanche, Taylor with a bulldog for two and
a couple of the stiffest forearms you’ll see this side of Japan. He hip tosses
Bigelow to the floor and the two factions congregate out there. Back in the
ring Bigelow starts working over Taylor with completely loose stuff in
comparison and a headbutt. I’m shocked Bigelow wasn’t busted open hardway from
one of those forearms, that shit looked PAINFUL. Taylor is already a little
blown up so Bigelow slams him but misses a falling headbutt. Big clothesline
from Taylor, exploding clothesline but Bigelow intercepts his high cross body
and sends him into the corner. Bigelow stays in control with some basic stuff
and then a Boston crab. I give Bam Bam a lot of credit; he’s working a sensible
match, not doing anything crazy but keeping it dramatic and generating good
babyface heat for Taylor’s comebacks. Bigelow with a knee lock now and Taylor
makes the ropes to break the hold. Modified crossbow from Bigelow as Taylor is
getting a much-needed breather. Taylor with a forearm and then a backdrop
suplex. Bigelow is up first with a double axe and a couple of falling headbutt
into the mid section. Bigelow goes to the top and hits the crossover splash but
he hurts his knee and rolls off of Taylor after the one count. He goes back and
makes a proper cover for two. Irish whip but Bigelow sets too early and Taylor
goes for the powerbomb but smartly feels uncomfortable with the move and falls
back like a gut wrench suplex. He gets two and saves a life (temporarily as it
would turn out). Bigelow with the enziguri for two. More falling headbutts and
Bigelow goes to the top and hits the top rope headbutt for another two. He’s
just killing his finishers tonight. Hope that $100,000 check was worth it!
Taylor back up with forearms and shoulderblocks. He revs up and hits two
thunderous forearms and goes to the middle rope and hits a big forearm to the
temple for the three count. He could teach guys how to throw a proper forearm.

(Taylor def. Bigelow, ***, better than it had any right on earth to be thanks
to the professionalism of Bigelow and whoever taught Taylor how to do things he
would feel comfortable doing.)

Bottom Line: Two three-star matches and a four-star match makes this a
perfectly watchable card. The atmosphere is underwhelming and it feels more like “In Your House: Wrestlemania”
than  Wrestlemania if that makes sense
but the work is generally pretty good.

If I had the power of history to re-book here’s what I do:

Allied Powers vs. Smoking Gunns (Tag Title change and it’s there I set up Yoko’s return and the eventual Allied breakup at Summerslam)

Owen Hart vs. 1-2-3 Kid (Random filler stuff to get two workers on the card)

Jeff Jarrett & The Roadie vs. Undertaker (We’ll figure it out)

Razor Ramon vs. Shawn Michaels (I-C title rematch here, we’ll get Razor the title back before this card and do the Wrestlemania X rematch with Shawn going over)

Bret Hart vs. Diesel (Gotta get Diesel over here. I do it by Hart getting him in the sharpshooter, Owen coming down and ringing the bell prematurely to make Hart think he won and Owen distracting him for Diesel to get the jack knife and the win)

Bam Bam vs. LT (This part worked the first time)