The PG Era Rant: Raw, 2/17/14

When last we left our heroes, they had
all the momentum. Daniel Bryan had disposed of Kane. John Cena had
beaten Randy Orton. Sheamus and Christian took out Antonio Cesaro
and his sidekick Jack Swagger. The Elimination Chamber was looking
lopsided. It’s the last chance for Orton to make an impression… is
the Authority ready to abandon him?

The USA Network ad focuses on Orton vs.
Sheamus, which is our main event. The live look-in also mentions
that there’s a Chamber match on Sunday.

The PG Era Rant for Raw, Feb. 17, 2013.

Live from Denver, CO, the Mile High
City. Insert Evan Bourne joke here.

We all know who’s hosting by now.

And our opening salvo this week will be
highlights… no, wait, not yet. Bad production truck. It’ll be
John Cena. If John Cena were Jeff Hardy, Scott would be telling us
what the towel in his right back pocket means. Okay, now
we see the highlights from last week. Cena gets the usual reception.
He hypes up the crowd some before talking about the Chamber match.
He plays up how painful and dangerous it is, implying it’s
career-threatening, but he makes it clear: whoever wins will have
earned history at WrestleMania XXX against Batista. For Cena, this
is old hat. As is the mixed reaction. He knows momentum is
important, and Orton’s the only one who has none. Orton lost to
Daniel Bryan (cue the YES chants), by himself, and all this means
Orton’s days as champ are numbered. But before we can continue,
it’s…

Zeb
Colter with “Don’t Call Me Antonio” Cesaro. Colter says Cesaro
will win on Sunday, and Cesaro reminds us that, hey, he beat Orton
too, which is why he’ll win in the Chamber. He won’t just be the
face of the company, but the face of AMERICA. Cena calls Cesaro into
the ring and addresses him directly: good job on beating Orton.
(Cesaro’s taller than Cena.) But it says more about Orton than about
him. And oh yeah, they’ll meet in the Chamber one more time, with
four more people getting in their way in the Chamber, which Cesaro
knows nothing about. “So don’t write checks with your mouth that
your body can’t cash, son.”

But
wait! It’s Sheamus time! Sheamus tells us he’s a Chamber veteran.
He doesn’t want to be face of the WWE, but this Sunday he’ll
re-arrange the faces of his opponents with kicks. Fortunately,
tonight he’s facing Orton, so… HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Christian
is on his way. He’s not happy about being kicked on SmackDown (yeah,
it was an accident), but at the Chamber, he’ll eliminate Sheamus and
it won’t be an accident. And right on cue, here’s Orton.

He
thanks the Authority for the opportunity to face everyone on Sunday.
He starts by saying that, yeah, he underestimated Cesaro but no more.
And yeah, Cena won, but when the chips are down is a different
story. Christian? He remembers their sequence in 2011, but he
dominated Christian in it. As for Sheamus, he’ll win tonight and no
way he’ll get kicked. He’s the face of the company because… you
know what, never mind, here’s Daniel Bryan.

His
shirt is awesome. DANIEL BRYAN HAS A POSSE.

Crowd
is behind Bryan more than anyone else. Daniel Bryan doesn’t talk
because the fans talk for him. Everyone knows how big the Chamber
match is because it goes to Mania. He’s not letting this opportunity
slip away, because the only catchphrase we’ll hear will be YES. The
crowd is LOUD in chanting.

Entering
the Segment One Rumble at #7 is Kane. And he’s in a suit with
something to say, as is the crowd (“YOU SOLD OUT!”). Kane wants
to fix some mistakes. And he’s been put in charge tonight, so update
your scorecards. We know about Orton/Sheamus, so the other four will
wrestle tonight as well. Cesaro will face Cena (crowd likes that),
which means Christian will face Bryan, and that match is NOW!

Later tonight, Mark
Henry faces Roman Reigns. Also, Sin Cara and Los Matadores will face
the Wyatt Family.

When we cut back,
Bryan wants a piece of Kane, but Christian attacks from behind and
dumps Bryan. They brawl on the outside, with Christian having the
advantage, throwing him into the barricade and pounding him on the
outside. Officially, the match has yet to start. He throws Bryan
into the steps and prepares for the match while we go to commercial.

Christian v. Daniel Bryan.
Kane is still at ringside. Bryan kicks away to keep Christian at
bay, but Christian attacks the arm and works it over. Bryan shoves
him off and sends the knee to Christian, adding uppercuts with the
good arm that causes Christian to bail. Bryan goes to dive but runs
into an uppercut from Christian. Kane approves. Christian works the
arm some more as the announcers say he’s doing this because it’s
smart to weaken an opponent. Christian goes to the Fujiwara armbar
as the crowd chants for Bryan. Bryan goes for a shoulder, but nails
his bad arm and Christian gets one. Christian keeps working the arm
over the ropes, then mocks Bryan’s YES chant (taking a page from
Orton’s book). Christian stomps on the arm and gets a hammerlock
slam. He pulls up on the arm in a chicken-wing. Crowd rallies
behind Bryan again as he elbows out, but Christian slams into the arm
for two. Christian goes ground and pound, but Bryan reverses to a
half-crab try, but Christian fights out. Christian then wraps the
wrong arm around the ropes before going up, grabbing Bryan, and
getting a single-arm tornado DDT for two. He puts his weight on the
arm as he cranks the neck. Christian headbutts the shoulder
repeatedly (“I should be the champ!”), then smacks Bryan and
plays to the crowd only to get tossed over the top. Tope suicida
follows, but Bryan lands arm-first into the barricade as we take
another break.

Christian/Bryan, part two (three?).
We return with Christian holding a top wristlock, but Bryan fights
out with one arm only to get slugged down. Bryan does the comeback
on Christian though, and he fires up the crowd. YES kicks land,
including the roundhouse at the end, for two. Bryan goes up, but the
Ram Jam eats the knees and Christian gets two. Christian works the
arm around the ropes, slugging away as the crowd tries to rally
Bryan. It causes a blind charge that misses, and Bryan kicks like
crazy before landing the coast-to-coast dropkick… but a second one
runs into the boot. Christian with a diving European Uppercut and
he… claps up the crowd? He wants the Killswitch, but Bryan catches
into the Yes Lock, only he has no leverage due to the bad arm.
Christian throws Bryan into the buckle, but Bryan reverses the
Killswitch into a double-leg cradle for the shock pin at 11:11.
**1/4
Christian isn’t someone I really am into to the degree I “should”
be. Bryan’s arm is visibly hurt… and Kane congratulates Bryan.
But Bryan will wrestle twice tonight, and Kane is match #2. Bryan
isn’t upset at ALL. JBL’s spin is hilarious. Bryan attacks as Kane
enters, but he bowls Bryan over on the shoulder and kicks him out of
the ring. The match when we return.

Daniel
Bryan v. Kane.
Well, I’m pretty sure which four matches Scott will be seeing on
Hulu. Joined in progress as Kane whips Bryan into the corner and
stomps at the bad arm. Kane picks Bryan up by the bad arm and
shoulderblocks the arm, then throws the arm to the mat. Crowd is
dead. Dockers to the throat follow. Kane wraps Bryan’s arm around
the ropes and slams his knees into the arm. Bryan can’t even hang
Kane up on the ropes as Kane suplexes him back in for two. Kane
punches the arm and drops his knees on it. Kane throws Bryan’s
shoulder into the turnbuckle repeatedly as the crowd tries to get a
You Sold Out chant started. Kane fires off the forearms in the
corner and works the arm around the ropes again. Crowd finds this
boring. FINALLY, Bryan hangs Kane up on the ropes and goes up top,
landing the missile dropkick. He’s trying to fire himself up, and
it’s YES kicks time, but Kane catches the roundhouse and choke throws
Bryan to the outside. He follows, throwing Bryan into the barricade
and wrapping his arm around the post backwards. He refuses to let
go, and Kane is disqualified at 3:55. I’m sure he’s upset by that.
Kane throws Bryan into the steps as the beating continues. He kicks
the stairs into Bryan’s arm as the crowd keeps up the You Sold Out
chants. Kane accepts his DQ and walks away, point made. That was
boring and pointless – why did this have to be a match? DUD

Last
week, Mark Henry challenged Dean Ambrose for the US Title and nearly
won before the Shield stopped him. Rollins and Ambrose went flying,
but Reigns took Henry out. The crowd likes Roman Reigns. It’s
booking.

Renee
Young is with the Shield in a normal interview area. Ambrose cuts
Renee Young off and says he’s surprised Henry showed up “after the
beating I gave him last week”. Reigns says, wait, you lost.
Ambrose says, fine, you can do better than me? Reigns says he KNOWS
he can. And as Young asks if they’re on different pages, Rollins
says it’s okay, they’re always united. The Shield is all about war,
and Wyatts will learn. Ambrose says the Family is an illusion, but
the Shield is real. Reigns says they don’t experience fear.
Believe.

On
Sunday, it’s the Wyatt Family facing the Shield.

Fandango
v. Santino Marella.
Again? Lawler implies that Santino and Emma may be romantic as we
look at Emma in NXT. Santino fakes some martial arts to put Fandango
in the ropes, but Fandango with a big knee only for Santino to do the
power walk… right into a knee. Fandango with a running back elbow
for two. Fandango with a headbutt and he dances, then a clothesline.
Kneedrop off the ropes misses, and Santino with a splits Stunner.
Santino begins the comeback, complete with saluting headbutt, and he
shimmies out the Cobra. Summer Rae distracts him, so Emma does an
airplane spin on Summer. And both get the worst of it. Santino
helps Emma, and the two get googly eyes. Santino goes in for a
kiss… and Fandango (yes, there’s still a match) gets a dropkick and
Falcon Arrow for the pin at 2:42. Santino got no one but himself to
blame. 1/2*
JBL asks Santino to throw Emma to the curb. Because JBL is a jerk.

Mark
Henry is caught up to by Renee Young. She asks him about the match
with Roman Reigns. Henry is ready. He should be champion, but it
didn’t happen. Tonight, though, against Reigns, there’s no title.
Reigns is going into the Hall of Pain. That’s what he do.

Roman
Reigns is on his way through the crowd.

Theodore
Roosevelt was a US President. Yup.

Roman
Reigns v. Mark Henry.
Long staredown as the crowd is on Reigns’s side. Reigns pounds away
on Henry, but a whip fails and Henry reverses into a big boot. Henry
with an avalanche, and he asks to do it again. Henry clubs down
Reigns and headbutts him, but Reigns kicks his way out and pounds on
Henry’s back. Reigns goes for a variation on the cobra clutch, but
Henry fights out with his bad arm. Reigns with a SAMOAN DROP (!!)
for two. Even Ambrose is like “Wow.” Henry with a headbutt as
he gets back up, then a Junkyard Headbutt and avalanche. Blind
charge eats the boot, and the Superpunch follows as the crowd cheers.
Reigns is ready for the spear, and he lands it for the pin at 2:48.
Ambrose is a little upset, though Rollins loves it. So does the
crowd. I guess the Shield are de
facto
faces on Sunday. Ambrose attacks Henry after the bell because that’s
how he is, and Reigns is a little perplexed. *1/4

And
now, the Wyatts appear on the screen. Bray sings about the joy in
his heart, and he makes even THAT creepy. Bray is excited about
Sunday. The clock’s ticking on the Shield. Defeat will not be in
vain, because he will build his kingdom on their bones. Bray needs
to know: was it worth it? Harper steps forward and asks if they’re
willing to die for this. Bray says if not, they’ve already lost.
Reigns, though, isn’t fazed and demands they come to see him in the
ring. That gets Bray’s attention. “Funny you should say that. We
were thinking the exact same thing.” Rowan says for them to run…
and here they come! The music plays… but the screen is pitch
black. Just to build tension, though, as the Family is on their way
to the Shield in the ring. The staredown begins anew, but the edge
is on Shield’s side as they’re already in the ring. Crowd is on
Shield’s side from the sound of it. Wyatts mount the apron and smile
at the Shield. And… Bray enters the ring this time! But the
Shield don’t attack… until Reigns steps forward. Harper and Rowan
enter the ring. Rollins and Ambrose step up. The Shield are talking
a lot. Bray… calls off his Family and walks away again. Bray
makes it clear: he’s naming the time and place.

Later
tonight, it’s John Cena and “His Name Is Antonio” Cesaro. Plus,
Randy Orton faces Sheamus.

Get
the WWE Network in 7 days! That means you! See the entire Hall of
Fame Ceremony! Tons of old shows! Every Pay-Per-View ever! SHUT UP
AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Your
kickoff match is Ryback/Axel v. Cody/Goldust. Feel the excitement.

Meanwhile,
Cody is playing with some WWE toys as he and Dustin do an ad for the
latest playset. Goldust was more into ripping wings off of
butterflies and seeing if they would allow hamsters to fly. Cody,
understandably freaked out, refuses help. And Wade Barrett has Bad
News. He kicks the whole playset over. That worked.

Kofi
Kingston v. Jack Swagger.
No entrances. Swagger pounds on Kofi in the corner to start,
kicking away and having to be pulled away. Kofi kicks away, adding
punches, but Swagger reverses and gets a wheelbarrow suplex for two.
Swagger pounds on Kofi in the corner and gets a short lariat for two.
Crowd is not interested in this match much. Swagger to the
surfboard, but Kofi fights out only to get caught and thrown into the
buckle. Vaderbomb follows for two. Swagger slams his forearm into
Kofi’s back, then Hammer Throws Kofi into the corner. A second try
is reversed to a springboard dropkick. Pendulum kick by Kofi, and a
springboard clothesline as he revs up the comeback. Kofi is caught
mid-flight and tossed into the corner, but a charge eats boot. Kofi
splashes the back for two. Swagger punches his way out of it but he
fails throwing Kofi out, and Kofi with the SOS, but Swagger’s foot is
on the ropes. Crowd wanted the finish, which is a good sign for
someone. Swagger leverages Kofi to the outside, but Kofi lands on
the apron and gets a crossbody for two. Swagger rolls through to the
Patriot Lock on Kofi, then yanks him back for the tapout at 4:42. WE
THE PEOPLE! *3/4
But before we go anywhere, here comes Big E. Langston because he has
a match next. That was rude. Swagger leaves without incident.

Handicap
match: Big E Langston v. McIntyre and Mahal.
Big E sends McIntyre packing, and Mahal goes for the ride before
getting slammed. Colter interrupts on the microphone and says
they’ll watch the match. McIntyre trips Langston, and the two
double-team him. Colter keeps working the mic as the Band work
Langston, but they put their heads down and Langston clears the ring.
Big tackle to Mahal. Rib breakers follow, but McIntyre kicks
Langston down as Mahal gets two. They stomp away on Langston as
Colter is the reason everyone’s paying attention. Double suplex
connects for the Band. And McIntyre gets… nothing? McIntyre
throws Langston into Mahal’s knee, for zero again. Langston fights
out of the double team, back dropping Mahal while holding McIntyre.
McIntyre is dumped, and Mahal runs into the clotheslines and
Greco-Roman suplex. And another for McIntyre. Ultimate Splash to
both men, and Colter goes back and forth across the ring on both men.
HE suplexes Mahal into McIntyre, lowers the straps, and it’s the Big
Ending to Mahal, then McIntyre, for the pin at 4:45. Call it *1/2.
Now Langston has a mic, and he says that Colter is full of crap.
Good build for Sunday – both champ and challenger look strong.

Alexander
Rusev has power. This would have been a bigger deal if he hadn’t
been in the Rumble. Just saying.

Coming
up: Sin Cara and Los Matadores face the Wyatt Family.

Black
History Month continues as we look at Ron Simmons. I will never
forget being in Baltimore in 1992 when Simmons beat Vader. We need
more champions who win and bring out the face midcard to celebrate
with them.

Here’s
a look at what makes the Elimination Chamber match such a big deal.

Renee
Young is backstage with John Cena. Young asks about the Cena/Cesaro
match later tonight. Cena made it clear last week: the future is
coming. Orton’s only identity is being champion. But Cena means
this: the future has to go through him (the present). Cesaro is the
same. The Chamber is when we decide the fate of the title. But
tonight, we see what Cesaro is made of.

Cena
races from the interview area to the ring, as his music plays BEFORE
he’s done talking. “It’s fightin’ time.”

As
a reminder, Cesaro beat Orton on Friday.

John
Cena v. “I Don’t Care What You Say, I Will Call Him Antonio”
Cesaro.
Did they just pimp Steve Austin’s podcast? Yes, because John Cena
is on it. Colter and Swagger are at ringside. This match gets its
own hashtag. Lockup, and Cesaro with a quick cradle for one. Cena
gets the chants as Cesaro works the arm. He hooks the free arm into
a headlock, but Cena reverses into a takedown. Cesaro shoves off,
but Cena tackles him down and runs to a reverse hiptoss. Cesaro
huddles up with his cohorts before returning. Cesaro is hesitant to
lock up as the crowd is divided three or four ways. Cena wins the
lockup into a wristlock, but Cesaro reverses and works the arm into a
headlock takedown. Cesaro tackles Cena down and catches Cena in
mid-air into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. WE THE PEOPLE!
Cena pulls himself up only to get uppercutted. Jump to the gut gets
two. Cesaro works the arm again with a variation of the abdominal
stretch on it. Cena fights out with a hiptoss, but Cesaro low
bridges Cena on a charge. Cesaro follows him outside and throws him
into the barricade. Swagger approves. Cena is on the apron and
drapes Cesaro on the ropes, but runs into a dropkick for two. And
another two. He goes to the chinlock on Cena. Cena fights out and
tries an AA, but Cesaro escapes to the apron and drapes Cena’s head
on the top rope. Second-rope elbow gets two. Cesaro stomps on
Cena’s hand and kicks away. Cena catches the half-nelson neckbreaker
out of nowhere for two. Hammer Throw by Cesaro follows, and a
baseball slide sends Cena to the outside. Swagger and Colter stalk
Cena as we go to break.

Cena/Cesaro,
part two.
Cena fights out of a Cesaro hold as a slugfest breaks out, and Cena
with a headscissors. Cena dives to Cesaro but is caught in a
fallaway slam with a bridge for two. Wow, never seen that before.
Cena punches away on Cesaro to get momentum, but he runs into a
sleeperhold. Cena backs Cesaro into a corner to break, but Cesaro
gets a lariat for two. Back to a ground sleeper by Cesaro as the
announcers are making him a big deal. Cena again sends Cesaro to the
corner to break, and we’re into the video game comeback. Cesaro,
though, reverses the back suplex slam into a giant swing try, which
Cena re-reverses to the STF, which Cesaro re-re-reverses to a Karelin
suplex. Holy cow that was TIGHT. It gets two. Cesaro boxes on Cena
and gets a running Euro uppercut. He misses the second time, and
this time Cena gets the back suplex slam. Five-Knuckle Shuffle
connects on Cesaro, and the AA is wound up, but Cesaro fights out
into the Catapult Uppercut for two. Cole is selling this match like
a champ. JBL is helping. Crowd says This Is Awesome. Cesaro wants
the swing, and he’s got Cena hooked, but it took too long and Cena
crawls up Cesaro’s body for a Dolph DDT for two. This is wild.
Swagger just about has a heart attack. Cena slowly climbs to the top
rope, but Cesaro catches him with an uppercut, sending Cena to the
floor. We tease a countout, but Cena’s on the apron at six… and
Cesaro pulls him OFF THE APRON with a superplex! It gets two. And
another two. Cesaro taunts Cena… and is instantly pulled into an
STF out of nowhere. Too close to the ropes, so Cena breaks and
Cesaro catches the GIANT SWING OF DOOM (14½ rotations) for two.
Crowd: “THIS IS AWESOME!” YES! Neutralizer tease, but Cena
lifts him to the AA. Cesaro on his feet and returns with a big boot
only for Cena to catch him with a clothesline. He rolls through into
an AA (!!) for the pin at 19:09. So after polling the live thread
and considering how I felt, I think the right rating here is about
****1/4
and I’m not sorry about it. Snowflakes don’t actually matter here –
Cesaro was made to look like a future star while making it clear the
future might not be here yet. They’re making Cena the top dog of the
Chamber entering the event, which will be just fine because we know
he won’t win.

Did
you know Abraham Lincoln used to be a US President? He also said
that you can’t fool all the people all of the time.

Orton
is talking to HHH. Given the Lincoln quote, there’s a joke in here
somewhere. Orton says he appreciates what they’ve done for him. HHH
says he was worried the pressure of being champ was too much for him,
but he sees that Orton is trying to live up to it. Even though he
keeps losing. Orton agrees that he’s been a little off his game, but
this Sunday he’ll prove he’s ready to be the face of the company.
Orton appreciates everything HHH does for him. More gladhandling
follows. Orton says Batista may be good, but he could never be face
of the company. And by the way, he’s standing right behind you,
Randy. He calls Randy the ass of the WWE. Cutting edge commentary,
that. Orton walks off. But before anything continues, Del Rio
appears in a neck brace. Del Rio says he’s a man and that this
Sunday Batista will pay for his neck injury. And Batista’s arms will
be broken on Sunday. Batista just shoves Del Rio into a tool bench
like the sportsman he is.

Cut
to Renee Young, who announces a new match: Titus O’Neil will face
Darren Young. We see on SmackDown where Young upsets Damien Sandow,
then the former Prime Time Players fight it out. It ends with Young
ripping up O’Neil’s suit. O’Neil commandeers the mic and introduces
himself instead of Renee doing it. O’Neil is here to be a champion,
and you spell champion T-I-T-U-S. We bring up that the duo teamed
for two years (731 days to be exact), and on Sunday, Titus will
destroy the dead weight. Titus says everyone will have to witness
his rise (his voice cracked hard as he was shouting it). Announcers:
“Why is he screaming?”

Los
Matadores introduce El Torito in their unique way. The image of the
bull on the Tron now spews steam out of its nostrils.

Los
Matadores and Sin Cara v. Wyatt Family.
As a reminder, I just call them Primo and Epico. Rowan and Primo
start, and Rowan clubs away. He tosses Primo to the apron, but Primo
vaults back in only to get smashed on a flying forearm try. Harper
in, and he gets a back elbow and elbowdrops. Slam follows, getting
two. Bray in, and he headbutts the back of Primo’s head repeatedly
before crawling over him to El Torito. A suplex throw follows, and
Rowan enters with a kneedrop. A slam follows, and then the DOUBLE
NOOGIE OF DOOM. Rowan breaks to get an elbowdrop for two. Harper
tags himself in, getting a pair of uppercuts and a Gator Roll. Primo
fights to his feet and gets a jawbreaer, but Harper cuts the tag off.
Primo with an enzuigiri to Harper, though, and it’s hot tag Cara.
Cara with a coco but to Harper and springboard crossbody for one.
Tilt-a-whirl headscissors and Bray gets sent off the apron. Tajiri
elbow by Cara gets two, Rowan saves. Epico dumps Rowan, and El
Torito tries a quebrada but is caught. Primo and Epico knock Rowan
over, but Harper catches Torito. Cara cradles Harper for two, but
Harper recovers with a slingshot… no, rana by Cara. He goes to the
apron with the lift kick and goes up top, but the Senton Bomb misses
and the discus lariat ends it at… no, wait, Bray wants to end it.
The inverted look follows, and Sister Abigail’s Kiss ends it at 5:34.
Perfectly acceptable match. *1/2
Now, see, if I were booking, the Shield would say the heck with talk
and just race to the ring to start it right now. No such luck,
though.

Randy
Orton and Sheamus is our main event.

The
Outlaws are in the ring when we return, and Road Dogg STILL hasn’t
gotten the memo that he’s a heel. They’re winded just doing the
intro.

Jey
Uso v. Billy Gunn.
I don’t think this is gonna be pretty. Jimmy Uso and Road Dogg are
both on commentary. Gunn pushes Jey into the corner, but nothing
comes of it. Gunn kicks Jey and sends him into the corner, boxing
him down. Jey slides out of a whip and sends Gunn into the corner,
getting a series of armdrags as Gunn bails. Dogg comes over to talk
strategy. Gunn pulls Jey out of the ring, but he gets the worst of
it only for Gunn to use get a lariat for two. The crowd is chanting
for the Outlaws because they act like faces. Gunn with a straight
right for two. Gunn to the chinlock. Michael Cole nearly calls Dogg
“Brian”, which is funny. Jimmy and Dogg are arguing at the
commentary table as Gunn slowly works over Jey. Road Dogg drops
“With My Baby Tonight” as Gunn keeps punching Jey. He says
playtime’s over, but the Famouser misses and Jey rolls Gunn up for
the pin at 3:20. RETIRE. NOW. -**
Jimmy superkicks Dogg to make a point, and Jey dives onto both
Outlaws. This match was so bad the crowd chanted for CM Punk.

Byron
Saxton is backstage with Sheamus to talk about tonight’s main event.
Sheamus says the Chamber requires you to throw everything away, but
it’s worth it. He can taste the main event. Earlier tonight,
Christian got aggressive, because everyone wants the upper hand. But
Sheamus has always been aggressive – it’s his best side. And Orton
will find that out tonight. He has a viper’s antidote: blunt force
trauma. Not the best of promos. The main event is next.

Did
you know FDR was a President?

We
go back to SmackDown, when Sheamus and Christian crossed paths as
teammates and cost their team the match. So on Friday, it’ll be
Sheamus and Christian one on one to settle their issues.

Main
event, non-title: Randy Orton v. Sheamus.
Orton stalls with a SIGN POINT OF DOOM to start, taunting Sheamus
with it. They lock up, but Orton stalls off a clean break to the
outside as the crowd is in no mood for this match. Another lockup,
and another forced clean break. Yeah, this is gonna help. Sheamus
goes to a headlock, then tackles Orton down and the champ bails out
again. Sheamus with a SIGN POINT as Orton slowly re-enters the ring.
Orton pounds away with an uppercut, but that warms Sheamus up and he
responds in kind, pounding away in the opposite corner. Suplex
follows and Orton bails AGAIN. Sheamus follows this time, but Orton
is ready and sends Sheamus into the steel post. Sheamus recovers,
sending Orton into the table as they return on the count of 7.
Sheamus with a trio of kneedrops for two. Sheamus continues with the
shots, but he gets dumped over the top on a failed Brogue Kick and
sent back into the post as we go to break.

Orton/Sheamus,
part two.
We return with Orton working a chinlock. He’s able to hold it for
some time, but Sheamus fights out and gets a back suplex. Sheamus
sends Orton out of the ring with a clothesline, and the crowd… does
nothing. Sheamus sends Orton into the barricade twice over, but
Orton reverses and Sheamus eats the stairs. Sheamus is in danger of
being counted out, but he gets in at nine. Orton rakes Sheamus’s
face in the corner, then puts him up top and headbutts away.
Superplex is blocked by Sheamus, who shoves Orton down and comes
after him with his battering ram. It’s a double KO tease, and both
men roll out. Orton clears the table and back suplexes Sheamus
through it out of nowhere to wake the crowd up. Sheamus teases
another countout as Orton milks the crowd, but he gets in at nine.
Orton to the Garvin Stomp on a half-dead Sheamus, as the crowd is
slowly starting to rally behind Sheamus. Kneedrop misses, though,
and Sheamus with Polish Hamers. Kneelift misses and Orton gets a
powerslam for two. Orton looks for the draping DDT, but Sheamus
launches Orton the apron and in perfect position for the Ten of
Clubs. Sheamus lifts Orton back over for a Finlay Roll try, but
Orton with a backbreaker instead. Orton rubs feeling into his chest
before trying the Draping DDT a second time, this time connecting.
He plays to the crowd again, almost begging them to boo him, and sets
for the RKO. Sheamus holds his ground as Orton slides away, and the
Irish Curse hits three straight times. Now Sheamus is pumping
himself up, ready for the Brogue Kick, but the Shield races in for
the DQ at 14:52. Huh? **1/4
This
brings Cena out to save, and Daniel Bryan (arm wrap and all), then
Cesaro too. And then Christian runs in, and it’s only a matter of
time before the Wyatts join us as well. Wyatts and Shield are
finally facing off in a way as everyone beats on everyone and the
crowd goes bonkers as WE ARE OUT OF TIME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

FINAL
THOUGHTS:

Sorry,
got some Schiavone in me.

Look,
this was a go-home show, so there’s that. I’m a little worried about
where they’re going, though.

It’s
clear Reigns/Ambrose is in the offering, with Rollins in the middle.
I’m beginning to think Swagger and Cesaro are the same. If they’re
doing Cena/Bray, they need to start next week. Bryan is the wild
card – if he wins Sunday, then there’s no issues and he faces
Batista. Otherwise, he has to face Triple H – Kane just won’t be
good enough.

But
they WANT us to settle for Bryan/Kane because otherwise, Batista
can’t be the real main event like they promised him (and Disney).
This is the real disconnect. We all know Vince McMahon hates being a
wrestling promoter and wants his guys to cross over, and he’ll force
it however he wants. Would it really surprise you to learn that
Vince unified the titles because he wants Disney’s Man to be the only
champion? We’ve already seen he derailed a Cena/Punk main event (and
we know it would otherwise be the main event; Raw gave it away) so
that Dwayne could go on TV and talk about being champion. Whether he
did or not is unimportant – it was the intent that counts.

I’ve
accepted it. I’ve accepted that New Orleans is going to hate the
main event. I also believe Vince doesn’t care about the fans,
because he sees us as nerds. He wants the mainstream attention, and
he doesn’t care how much he has to mortgage the fanbase to make it
happen. Vince has always wanted it this way, and he’ll burn his fans
as long as he and the A listers are playing a string quartet.

Get
used to it, folks. Vince hates you all. We have met the enemy.

Sorry,
I shouldn’t be so negative.

Let’s
focus on what they did right tonight. Cena and Cesaro had a
fantastic match – so good, I jumped into the live thread and asked
for opinions before giving it a final rating. Swagger and Langston
are going towards a very nice matchup, both of them looking pretty
strong. Everyone wants to see Wyatts/Shield now. The matches are
going to be great.

The
results? Well…

HOW
I’D BOOK IT:

And
in the Elimination Chamber:

And
at the finish, Brock Lesnar rips the door off its hinges and
threatens to destroy both men. HHH and everyone else race out to
stop it, but during the distraction, HHH denies Bryan with a
Pedigree. Orton escapes, but that’s just the alleged main event.

WRESTLEMANIA
30 – ONE HACK’S CARD:

And
there you go. Another lousy card by a fantasy booker. Tear it
apart.

STATS:

MATCH
TIME: 72:38 over ten (TEN) matches.

BEST
MATCH: Cena/Cesaro

WORST
MATCH: Jey/Gunn

NIGHT
MVP: Big E Langston

FINAL
SCORE: Meh, 4/10.

I
might be around to break down Elimination Chamber. But odds are I’ll
be too busy on the WWE Network. So will you.